by J. S. Cooper
I stared at the phone in my hand and realized that, like it or not, my life was changed forever. Everyone thought that falling in love with Clementine had been the event that had changed my life. They thought the fact that I’d finally taken a girlfriend meant my life had taken a huge turn. And it had taken a turn. I was now in a relationship. But the relationship didn’t define me. The relationship hadn’t changed my life because Clementine had always been there in my heart. She’d always been mine and I’d been hers. There was never a real question about that. But now, now everything was different. I felt different. I felt lost. I felt like an evolution was going on in my life and I didn’t want it anymore. I didn’t want to know this new life. I didn’t want my life to change. I didn’t want to acknowledge that my mother was dying and even more than that, I didn’t want to acknowledge that I needed to let that relationship go before it destroyed me.
Clementine and her family had always been my home. They’d been the one’s there to pick me up and save me every time I fell, but that hadn’t stopped the hole within from growing bigger and bigger. I didn’t know what to do anymore. I was scared and worried. I was scared that I’d never be able to make it right. I didn’t want to see my mother. I didn’t want to face that pain again. I wanted to ignore it and her and that made me feel guilty. What sort of son was I? Was I capable of love? Was I capable of really loving someone? I didn’t even know anymore. I just didn’t even know. I jumped up and walked to the bedroom and looked at some of the photos that Clementine had put on the wall of the two of us. Photos that reminded me of the past. Photos that reminded me of how simple my life had been before I’d acknowledged that I had feelings for Clementine. The days when all I’d needed was to hook up with some random girl, to forget the loneliness. The days when casual sex had provided me with a high that was enough to get me through. Though, it had never been the sex that had gotten me through. It had always been Clementine. It had always been there. She’d always been my rock, but what had I been to her? Was I doomed to ruin this relationship? Could I be the man that she wanted? I stared at a photo of the two of us sitting on a couch together making silly faces and my heart broke. This beautiful girl was my life. She deserved better than me. She deserved a man that could give her the stars and the moon. She deserved a man that could give her everything she wanted. I didn’t know if I was capable of being that man. I didn’t know if I had it in me to give that much of my heart and soul; no matter how much I wanted to. I didn’t even know if I had that much to give anymore. I sat down on the bed and held the picture frame to my chest. I wanted so much to make it work with Clementine, but I didn’t know if I could ever be the man that deserved to be with her.
Chapter Eight
Rhett
“Did it hurt you? These are the scars you never show. She is a fire sign, you know. One day you're near and then you go.”
"Fire Sign" by David Berkeley - After The Wrecking Ships.
There was only one room with a light shining through the door as I walked down the corridor and I paused outside the door, debating whether or not I should go inside. My heart was racing as I stood there uncertainly. I wasn’t even sure what I was doing here. I knew Clementine would wonder where I was when she got home. I hadn’t called and I hadn’t left a message, but I hadn’t known what to say.
“Hey,” a girl standing by the doorway nodded at me unsmiling. “You here for the group?”
“Perhaps.”
“What’s your issue?” She looked me up and down. “Let me guess, cocaine?”
“No, I don’t do cocaine.” I shook my head.
“Heroine?”
“No.”
“Meth?” Her voice rose and she looked surprised. “You look too preppy for a meth addict.”
“I’m not an addict.”
“Then why are you here?” She sounded annoyed.
“To understand.” I said softly.
“To understand what?”
“What it’s like to be an addict.”
“Oh.” She pulled her hair to her lips and started sucking on it.
“Why are you here?” I smiled. “Addicted to sucking your hair?” I teased her lightly.
“Alcohol.” She shrugged and looked down. “And company.”
“Company?” I looked around the room. Most people were sitting in chairs by themselves, not communicating.
“It’s not Glee Club.” She said shrilly. “But we all come every week. I can count on them.”
“For what?”
“To be there.” She shrugged.
“I see.” Though I didn’t really. I looked at the small group of people and looked back at the door. “I guess I should leave.” I said softly, the most unsure I’d ever been in my life.
“You don’t have to leave.” She shook her head, her eyes disappointed. “We could always use another member.”
“I’m not an addict though. I don’t want to take time away from anyone else.”
“But you came to understand right?” She asked softly as I nodded. “I wish my boyfriend would come.”
“You have a boyfriend?” I looked at her skinny body and greasy hair and had to admit I was surprised. “Sorry that was rude.” I said quickly.
“No need to apologize.” She laughed. “It takes a lot more than that to get me down.”
“I didn’t mean to be rude. Clementine says I talk without thinking sometimes.”
“Who’s Clementine? Your girl?” She looked at me thoughtfully.
I nodded in response, feeling guilty that I was even here. For some reason I felt like I was cheating on Clementine. I knew she’d be hurt if she knew I was here, but I hadn’t known how to tell her how I felt. I was ashamed of myself for my feelings. I was ashamed that a part of me just wanted to forget my mother even existed. I was ashamed that I felt so empty inside, when I should have been the happiest in my life.
“She pretty?” The girl in front of me continued sucking her hair. “She must be real pretty if she got a guy like you.”
“A guy like me?”
“A guy with big blue eyes and a handsome face.” She laughed. “I’m an addict. I’m not blind.”
“I’m really not all that.” I said modestly and then laughed. I could imagine the face Clementine would have made if she’d witnessed this conversation.
“So is Clementine the one with the problem?” The girl paused. “Let me guess, she’s addicted to crack and you don’t know how to tell your blue-blood parents that their perfect son is caught up with a crackhead from the wrong side of the tracks.”
“I’m no blueblood.” I said with a drawl and laughed at her shocked expression. “And Clementine is not a crackhead or from the wrong side of the tracks.”
“So who’s the dope head?”
“No one’s a dope head.” I said softly.
“Oh.” I knew she wanted to ask more, but she thought better of it.
“My mom’s an alcoholic.” I said softly. “And she’s dying.”
“Oh.” She said again and this time she removed the hair from her mouth and brushed it away from her face. I could see now that she was prettier than I’d initially thought. “That’s tough.”
“I don’t understand why she won’t stop drinking.” I said softly. “That’s why I’m here. I want to understand. I want to feel compassion.” My heart broke as I spoke. “I want to feel whole.”
“Abuse? Rape? Repressed mental trauma? Depression?” She said softly. “Those things usually lead to alcoholism. At least they did to mine.”
“I’m sorry.” I said awkwardly, having forgotten that she also had an alcohol problem.
“Don’t worry about it. My boyfriend Jim says stuff to me all the time.” She shrugged. “Way more hurtful, but I still love him.”
“What’s your name?”
“Caroline.”
“I’m Rhett.”
“Like Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind?”
“Just like Rhett Butler.” I nodded.
“I should have guessed from your drawl.” She looked at her watch. “We should grab a seat, Bill will be here soon and he likes to start right away.”
“Maybe I should go.” I said again, uncertainly. I wasn’t even sure why I’d ended up here. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting to figure out.
“Don’t go.” She grabbed my arm, her eyes pleading with me. “Maybe you’ll find some answers.”
“I doubt it.”
“You never know. It helps me to come.” She gave me a wistful smile, her eyes looking suddenly bleak. “These meetings are like a glimpse of sunshine in my grey days.”
“Oh, I don’t—”
“I sound depressing, don’t I?” She giggle suddenly. “Jim always tells me to smile. He says that’s my best asset.”
“Then you should never stop smiling.”
“We’re high school sweethearts you know. You wouldn’t think it by looking at me now, but I was head cheerleader and he was a part of the football team.”
“All-American couple.”
“We were Homecoming King and Queen.” She stared off in the distance. “Of course I knew we would be.”
“That’s great.”
“I bet you and Clementine were King and Queen as well right?” She looked at me then. “There’s no way you weren’t.”
“We didn’t date in high school.” I said softly, thinking back to my friendship with Clemmie in high school. I couldn’t believe how blind I’d been. “I was a bit of a doofus and didn’t realize until recently that I loved her.”
“Wow.”
“We’ve been best friends for years.” I continued. “And a part of me has always loved her, but I just didn’t realize just what she meant to me.”
“Why isn’t she here?” She looked at me questioningly. “I’m surprised she didn’t come as well.”
“She doesn’t know I’m here.” I took a deep breath. “She doesn’t know that my mom is dying.”
“I’m sorry.” Caroline grabbed my hand. “I didn’t mean to be insensitive.”
“It’s fine.” I shrugged. “I came because I want to understand why I feel the way I do. My heart is breaking and at the same time I feel a cold indifference.” The words came out of my mouth reluctantly. It felt like I was letting out a secret I was ashamed of. A secret I didn’t want anyone to know about. “And I think that my feelings towards my mother are hurting my relationship with Clementine.”
“What does she say?”
“She doesn’t know.” I said softly. “I don’t know how to tell her that I feel empty inside. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t know how to explain that even though I love her with all my heart, there are days that my heart feels empty and void.” I whispered the words feeling ashamed.
“Love’s weird.” She nodded. “I love Jim, but you know, the alcohol is something I love as well.”
“I just want to be able to heal my heart.” I sighed. “I just want to get over the hurt my mom left me with and I guess I came here because I think understanding her problem will help me to forgive her. And forgiving her will help me get rid of this void she left me with. And once I get rid of that void, I can get over the fear that Clementine might leave me.”
“I understand.” Caroline nodded, her eyes full of tears. “I’m scared that Jim might leave me too. He’s the only one I have now. I just need to be a better person. I just need to give up the drink. If I could just go back to a time when I didn’t drink, I’d be okay. We’d be okay. Jim and I could be okay. I just need to turn back time. I just need to go back to a day I didn’t drink, then I could make sure I never picked up a bottle.”
“I’m sure Jim understands how hard you’re trying.” I squeezed her arm and she looked at me then, her eyes clouded over.
“I just wish I could do my life over.” She whispered and we walked over to the chairs.
***
“Bye Caroline.” I waved as she ran out of the room as soon as the session had ended. I was sad that she’d just left like that, but I guessed that her boyfriend was most probably waiting on her to come home. Just like Clementine. I felt guilty that I’d left the apartment without letting her know I’d be gone, but I was so thankful that I’d come here. I didn’t fully understand what it was to be an addict, but I’d seen the pain that many of the group were dealing with and I was beginning to understand how complex the issue of addition was. I turned to Bill the instructor and spoke, “Thanks for having me here. I really appreciate you letting me sit in.”
“We were glad to have you Rhett. You should really check out some Nar-Anon groups.” He handed me some papers. “I think you’ll find that it’s helpful being around other people that have family members that are addicts. “It’s important for you to not take on the addiction issue and let it control your life.”
“I think I’m going to look for a group.” I nodded, thankfully. “I was glad to come today though. I know this might sound weird, but I feel calmer after having been here. I really liked everyone, especially Caroline.”
“And Caroline really took to you. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her smiling like that.” Bill said.
“Oh, she seems really nice.” I nodded. “I hope her boyfriend comes to a meeting soon to support her.”
“Her boyfriend?” He looked confused.
“Jim.” I said, hoping I wasn’t sharing private information. “Caroline was talking about him earlier.”
“Oh.” He nodded and sighed. “I see.”
“What?” I leaned forward. “Is he some sort of asshole?”
“No.” He paused and then looked me in the eyes. “Jim is dead, Rhett. He died in a drunk driving accident, Caroline was the one driving.”
“Oh.” The blood drained from my face. “I didn’t know.”
“He’s been dead for four years.” He nodded. “They were teenagers. She has a hard time coping.”
“She doesn’t still drink does she?”
“No.” He shook his head. “She never had another drop after Jim died.”
“I didn’t know.” I said again, feeling my heart sinking. “I wish she’d said something, I...” My voice trailed off.
“It’s better that you didn’t know.” He reached out and rubbed my shoulder. “She was able to be herself for the afternoon. She was able to forget. She was able to be a normal girl for a few hours.”
“She’s not normally like that?”
“She rarely speaks. It’s still hard for her.” He sighed. “We all become addicts for different reasons and we all cope with our addictions and actions differently. We all try the best we can. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s not enough.”
“At least you all have each other.”
“Yeah, many times, those that aren’t addicts don’t understand.” He smiled at me. “That’s why it’s so great that you’re trying to figure out what your mom’s going through.”
“Yeah.” I looked at the clock. “I should go.” I stepped back. “Sorry, I have to go.” I hurried to the door and ran down the hallway, needing to exit the building as soon as I could. I paused as I reached the door and I stood there for a second feeling sad as I thought about Caroline. I couldn’t even imagine the pain she must live with every day. I’d die if anything ever happened to Clementine. And if I’d been the person to cause something bad happening to her? Well, I didn’t know if I could live with myself. I felt sad as I thought about Caroline, but then realized just how strong she was. She was living with demons, but she’d stopped drinking. That had to be hard. I could only imagine how hard it was. And then I thought about my mom. She didn’t have anyone. And I had been ready to give up on her. I understood now that giving up on her was giving up on us. I knew that I needed to see her again. I needed to get my answers from her. I had to go back home, but before I could do that, I needed to speak to Clementine. I needed her to know what was going on. I needed her to know that although I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life, I was also the saddest. I needed her to know, that even though there was
an us, there no longer felt like there was a me. I was lost and while I knew my way to her heart, I didn’t know my own way back home again. I knew who I was when I was with her, but when I was by myself, I had no idea who I really was. I needed to go back home. I needed to make things right with my mom. And I needed to find myself. As I realized what I needed to do, I felt my heart breaking. I had no idea how Clementine was going to take everything.
