by Rita Hestand
"I understand that, Ma." Luke reached for her hand. "But…I know nothing of her family, nothing about before she came to live here. I'm a preacher, a respected rancher, how can I just up and marry her? What would people think?"
Ma shrugged. "What would people thing? I can't believe you said that. You are a man first, Luke. That's what. What others might think about you is none of your business actually. They are gonna think what they want to think. But, I guess you don't have that strong a feeling for her after all."
Luke hung his head. "You're wrong, Ma, I think I'm in love with her…" The look of loss on his face made Ma change tactics. "Who am I kidding. I know I am."
"Then what is to stop you from proposing?" Ma asked as though he were dense.
"What would people say? I haven't even properly courted her yet. And something tells me, there is a reason for her strange behavior. Like she's hiding something."
Ma frowned. "You are worried about what other people think? What you should be worried about is what you think, and what she thinks Because Sarah will either marry, or go home, that's a fact. And I guess I can't blame her if you can't put yourself first for once. If you are worried about your congregation, don't. If something happened, they'd be the first to let you go of that job, let me tell you. Not that they don't love you, they do, but people can change, in a minute they can. Being a preacher is a job, not a life. You are also a rancher, and a good one. But most importantly, you are a man."
"I am a preacher Ma. And that involves worrying over what people think. I worry every time I give a sermon. Was it effective? Did I help someone? But I've felt for some time that maybe she's hiding something. And that maybe I should find out what it is, before hand." Luke confessed. "I guess I want her to open up and share with me. That's part of what love is all about, isn’t it?"
Ma's eyebrows went up. "All of us hide things Luke."
"Love should be about trusting one another…"
Ma let out a heavy sigh. "To a degree, I agree. However, loving someone, sometimes means believing in them, without knowing for sure, that's trust too. Blind trust…sometimes it equals real love, Luke. Going on what you know, not what you don't. I don't know everything about her, but I love her. Because she's sweet and good and cares for others."
"You don't have to sell her to me. My eyes were opened when Haney's mother died. I saw how selfless she was. You could see her concern, feel it almost. And it wasn't fake either. She's a very caring, nurturing young woman. I know she was abused growing up, I know they kicked her out, too. What I don't know is the time between. What happened that she can't talk to me about it."
"Is that so important? To know everything?"
"I don't know. It must be if she can't talk about it, Ma."
"Then maybe I should tell you Luke, because I'm not sure at this point if you can handle it or not." Ma firmed her lips, her anger simmering.
"You know?"
"I do."
"Then tell me Ma. I've got to know."
Ma's eyes narrowed on him. "Remember one thing before I tell you."
"Sure, what's that?"
"Judge not less you be judged." Ma frowned at him.
He nodded. "Go on."
"Sarah was kicked out of her home, at fourteen. Maybe earlier than that. Age doesn't matter much when you are that young, but what did matter was that she couldn't support herself. She nearly starved to death the first year. But a friend told her of a job, so she took it, and never looked back."
"A job?"
"As a dancehall girl, Luke. What other kind of work is there for a kid?"
"My God, Ma…." Luke's face turned bright red, anger, and hurt spewed from his eyes.
"She was starving Luke, with no where to turn."
"But Sarah….I thought she was such an innocent. She let me believe it."
"I know to look at her; you would never think….So now you know."
"Now I know." He said dully.
"And does it change how you feel about her?"
Luke stared at Ma, his face went white. "Jesus told the prostitute to go and sin no more. Is that what she's doing?"
"I reckon she is."
"I understand why she didn't tell me. Yes, I can see it now."
"And you must'n tell her you know. I only told you because Sarah couldn't. She didn't want to fall in love with you, Luke."
"She's in love with me?"
"I think so. Yes."
Luke felt a strange loss. A tear fell on his cheek. "Thanks for telling me."
"Luke you should go home and pray on this. But I'll warn you now, if you don't act on your feelings, it could be too late." Ma challenged him.
Luke stared Ma in the eyes, a hard thing to do for any man or woman, but he did. "I love her, Ma. I want to ask her to marry, but…marriage isn't something you do on a whim. It's serious and it's for life, Ma. You know that. And now this…Pardon me, but it's a little hard for me to take in."
"I loved my husband and I still do, Luke."
"That's the kind of love I want Ma. The kind that endures." Luke smiled sadly. "Love should be a one time thing that lasts forever."
"She's never been married Luke. But…she has known men. I don't know if you can come to grips with that fact, she didn't either."
"I appreciate you telling me." Luke turned to Ma, looking for some kind of acceptance or forgiveness.
"For your sake, I hope you find out how you feel about it all, before it's too late."
"I guess I better go. Tell Sarah I stopped by." Luke told her as he moved to leave.
"Luke…Ruth, in the bible, said "whether thou goest, I will go.". She didn't say, first tell me about your life before I knew you. She loved unconditionally. That's part of what made her such a great woman. I got that from one of your sermons. Maybe you should study on that a while. Sarah's sin is no greater than some of ours."
Luke's head turned in question, his eyes probing Ma. "That's certainly a point to ponder Ma. If it were just me, it wouldn't be such a problem, but it's not. What I do, sets an example for others. And that's not the kind of thing that others could tolerate, Ma. Much as I care about her, I just don't know…"
"Just don't ponder too long." Ma smiled sadly at him. "Like I said, she's got a contract."
He nodded and left.
~*~
Sarah came in later that day; she was dressed quite elegantly and smiling. "Is there any dinner left?"
"Of course, I saved you some. But…first…I'd like to talk to you." Ma said fixing her plate and warming it on the stove.
Sarah shrugged nonchalantly, "Alright, Ma, what is it?"
"What in the world do you think you are doing?" Ma blurted coming up right in the face.
"What are you talking about?" Sarah laughed.
"Dressing up, flaunting yourself in town. What are you up to?"
Sarah folded her lips together. "I'm looking for a husband."
"Is that a fact."
"I do have a contract, Ma."
"But Sarah…this is no way to find a man!"
"The contract says married, not happily ever after Ma. If I don't marry, I can't stay here. And…I want to stay, because….because…" Tears began to fall. "I'd miss everyone so."
Ma handed her a hankie, "Because what?"
"I-I've come to love so many of you here…"
"I know that Sarah. But you can't just marry anyone."
"Why not?" Sarah burst out. "Josh knows the truth, and before long, so will Luke. He's not going to marry an ex-prostitute. I don't blame him, but I do have to look after myself, Ma."
"You're in love with Luke and you know it." Ma blurted again.
"Little good that will do me. Luke can't love unconditionally Ma. He wants a pedigree. I don't have one. So Luke is off limits. He can't commit for the sake of his feelings. He has to know everything. I can't tell him. Although, in time I'm sure it will leak out. And he'll be glad he never asked me."
"I thought you loved him!"
"I do, but that'
s going nowhere. I should have known better from the start. Jo Ella sort of put these big ideas in our head about changing our entire lives and making something of them. But in reality that doesn't always work out right, Ma."
"If you love someone you have to love their weaknesses too."
"Luke isn't weak, Ma, he's strong, and if you don't turn those beans down, they'll burn." Sarah noticed the steam rising quickly.
Ma went to the stove, set the beans to the side and came back to the table. "I'll admit he's got some faults."
"We all have faults Ma. His is keep him from living. He needs a sweet little girl next door, with a family line as long as his arm."
Ma firmed her lips, she cast her gaze outside, seeing a dog in the distance barking. Then she turned back to look at Sarah. "Every one of you girls knew when you came here, that eventually, you would have to tell your husband about yourself, either, before or after the ceremony. Luke takes marriage very seriously. He doesn't plan to repeat himself, and I can understand that. But you are not facing up to your past, and you know as well as I that you must, to be happy."
Sarah stared at the floor, as though it were interesting. "I could admit it to probably any other man, but Luke? I'll simply marry someone who doesn't care, like Trish is doing, marrying Chester."
"She's marrying for security purposes, that's all. I even understand that, considering how she's had to live." Ma stared out once more as though thinking on the matter.
Sarah sobered a bit. "I guess I can understand that, too."
"I wish her all the luck in the world, even though I don't think she'll have it, not with Chester. I love all you girls, you've all come to mean something to me. I want the best for you. And I know now, that the best for you is Luke."
"I know that Ma." Sarah put a hand over hers and smiled. "I know you want what is best for us all. That's why we love you so much, but…I just picked the wrong fella to fall in love with. So, I've got to look around more. And the only way to do that is let everyone know I'm here and looking."
Ma got up and moved back to the stove. She stirred the beans and washed her hands.
Sarah started to go upstairs, but turned, ran and hugged Ma to her and whispered. "Don't worry so much, Ma, we'll all be fine."
"God, I hope so." Ma cried and watched Sarah run up the stairs.
Chapter Twenty-One
Luke rarely came to supper any more and Sarah was glad. It was awkward being in the same room with him.
Sarah put on a face like she was very happy in front of the others, but they all knew it was a face. Still no one remarked of it and Sarah was grateful.
That next Saturday, she went fishing with Brady and Haney. Orville was with them once more. Sarah eyed Orville now. Should she reconsider him? She hadn't given him much of a chance because of Luke, but now that Luke was out of the picture, she had to start concentrating on seriously finding a man.
The thing was Orville was arrogant, thought quite a bit of himself, and if he knew her background, he'd probably run for the hills too. She needed a man more like Chester, one that wouldn't care what she'd been. She began to see the wisdom in marrying a man like Chester.
No, Orville just wasn't the right man.
"Didn't see you at the dance, last Saturday," Orville eyed her as he plopped himself against a tree and stuck his pole in the dirt.
"No, I didn't go."
"Weren't you asked?" Orville stared at her a long time.
"Yes, but I wasn't feeling well…"
Orville nodded his head. "Kind of hard to go with a Reverend, isn't it?"
Sarah shrugged. "I was flattered that he asked, but, I guess it wasn't meant to be."
"You don't like him…I mean…like that?" Orville asked.
"Orville, I'm not going to lie about it. I'm a mail order bride. I have a contract, to get married within the year or return home. The Reverend isn't marriage material. I'm looking for a man that is. A man that wants to settle down to a wife and family."
"Why not," Brady stared at Sarah now. "He's a man isn't he?"
"Who? Who are you talking about?" Sarah asked, shocked that Brady would pay attention to the conversation going on.
"Why not you and the Reverend?" Brady asked, his face contorting into a frown.
"He needs a real lady…" Sarah explained. "A dainty and beautiful lady."
"Is that what he said?" Brady asked curiously.
"No, it isn't. But…he's a preacher, Brady."
"He's a rancher too!" Brady corrected. "That makes him an ordinary man…like any other. No better no worse. If I was a man, I'd marry you, Sarah."
Touched by his admission, Sarah reached to pat his hair. "If you were a little older, I'd marry you too, Brady."
"I agree with Sarah, Brady. The Reverend is too tense, too serious, for Sarah."
"Well, yes, of course he is. I'm not really in his social circle, though." Sarah felt she had to defend her position, and to all people, Brady.
"What is a social circle?" Haney asked.
"It's like us, we're a social circle," Brady laughed. "A fishing social circle."
"Never mind. Let's catch some fish, alright?" Sarah suggested with a sigh.
"I took Jennifer Collins to the dance, she's very pretty. Do you know her Sarah?" Orville asked.
"Oh yes, Jennifer is very nice. She sings in the choir at church. She's almost as good as Maggie." Sarah glanced at him with surprise. "Of course she has four brothers that kind of stare down your neck…I'm told." She chuckled to herself.
"Yeah, I noticed that. But I like her."
"And how is your new job working out for you?" Sarah changed the subject.
"Great. I like it. It's easy and very comfortable." Orville seemed to gloat over his good fortune. Orville had finally learned to wear his everyday clothes to fish in, and to relax a bit. Sarah noted the changes in him.
"It's important to like what you do alright." Sarah acknowledged.
"I've got big plans. I don't intend being a small time accountant long. Naturally, I will earn some favor from the bank President, and then I can move on to bigger things. Maybe go to San Francisco."
"You wouldn't be gold hunting in California would ya?" Sarah teased, throwing her line out and settling a ways from Orville.
"No, that's too hard a work. I use my head. I'll get along. You wait and see."
"Oh, I have no doubt about it, Orville." Sarah relaxed and found herself going to sleep.
It was half an hour later when she woke up to find Brady standing over here staring. "What's wrong?" She asked in a flurry.
"You were moaning in your sleep. You feeling alright?" Brady asked.
"Of course, I'm fine." Sarah reassured him, but realized why she was moaning too. It was Luke, in her dreams again. When was she going to exercise him from her life?
~*~
It was the following week and Sarah was in town with Maggie buying some material for Maggie's audition. Maggie would be singing in the first Opera House in Vada. It would be an honor for her to get a job singing there, Sarah thought. "What do you think of this material, Maggie?" She held up some beautiful silk that caught her eye.
Maggie sauntered over to the counter where Sarah spread the material out for her to feel.
"It's lovely. How many yards do you think you'll need?"
"Depends on how many folds you'll want, and if you want a bustle. It sure will look beautiful with your hair and eyes, Maggie."
"You're such a doll to do all this work for me Sarah. I feel guilty putting it on you." Maggie glanced at her.
"Well don't. I love to make beautiful clothes." Sarah smiled and fingered the material once more. "This is so soft, so elegant. It'll be a pleasure to work with"
"You really should be a seamstress. Let's get it, then." Maggie told her her enthusiasm bubbling over as Sarah raved about the material.
As the store clerk was measuring it out, Maggie glanced out the window. "Well would you look at that?"
Sarah hadn't been payin
g much attention, but she went to the window to peer out too. There stood Luke with a beautiful young brunette on his arm.
"Wonder who she is? I've never seen her around here." Maggie sounded almost angry.
"Oh that's Rebecca Goldfield. She's new in town. Well, sort of, at least. She's been back east at finishing school. Her father used to be Mayor here a few years back. But he just died, and the funeral is in two days." Clara Martin, the clerk told them as she eyed the window too.
"So she lives here?" Maggie raised a brow at Sarah as she turned around to look at Clara.
"Oh yes, they own that huge mansion on the hill up yonder. The one that has been vacant for over a year. It's been closed up for a while. Poor Rebecca, she's all alone now. But I doubt she'll stay that way, she's the richest woman in this part of Texas now that he's gone." Clara touted. "I doubt she'll stay singled long though."
Sarah couldn't take her eyes off Luke, but she made herself turn away. To have a woman on his arm, made Sarah hurt so deeply, she couldn't explain the extreme sadness that filled her at that moment, but she hid it well.
"I'm so sorry…it must be hard. Is her mother still living?" Sarah asked, trying to sound concerned.
"No, she died years ago. She was quite the lady in this town for a while. Until they decided to move to San Francisco, he was in politics all his life, and they said he was running for Congress when he died."
"What did he die of?" Sarah asked.
"I'm not sure…." Clara sounded disappointed that she didn't know everything, but Sarah was groping now for conversation, hoping Maggie would bring anything up. "Someone said he had heart trouble."
