by Liz Talley
“Hey, Jess,” he called. She turned and arched an eyebrow. Her heart thudded, and anger made her flushed. “Stop being such a pussy.”
Jess walked out the bedroom door, her heart heavy, her throat scratchy, and her eyes aching. She wanted to hit Ryan for his cruel words even as she knew they held a lot of truth. She wanted to burst into tears and tell him she was sorry for saying such hurtful things. But she couldn’t do either of those things. Maybe tomorrow she’d think about not being such a pussy. Today she had to be a bridesmaid.
Chapter Sixteen
Jess scooped a grape into her mouth and chewed the too-sour fruit. Across from her sat Mimi, Rosemary’s next-door neighbor, along with Rosemary’s cousin Mary Charlotte, who wasn’t in the wedding but was invited to the bridal brunch. Eden sat too far away, between Rosemary and her grandmother on her father’s side. The women in Sal’s family filled in the rest of the places. Jess felt stuck.
“So you’re dating Ryan Reyes, huh?” Mary Charlotte asked, eyeing her with speculation. Rosemary’s cousin worked as a legal secretary and had the dirt on everyone in Morning Glory.
“Yeah,” Jess said. Of course, they’d just hurled horrible accusations at each other, so that might no longer be true. Her heart sat heavy in her chest. She wanted to cry, but instead she took another bite of her chicken salad croissant and tried to chew. Her appetite had vanished over the morning’s events. After they’d argued, she and Ryan had pretended to be pleasant throughout breakfast, though they hardly said a word to each other. His parents had noticed. A dead person would have noticed the tension. It had been awful, but she’d made it through by refusing to think of anything but getting through the day. For Rosemary.
Before she and Ryan had come back to Morning Glory, they’d been wrapped in a blanket of peace and happiness. But obviously it had been a blanket held together by wishes or butterfly wings or thin air.
God, how had everything had gone so wrong?
Thursday had been fine. They’d eaten dinner with his parents, he’d bonded with Sal over wainscoting and red leather booths, and they’d had giggly, hushed sex in the still hours of the night. But then Friday the questions came, the conjecture in the looks when people looked at them. She’d tried to ignore it, but deep down inside she suspected her fellow Morning Glorinians secretly shook their heads in disapproval of her bringing a hunk home just to prove a point. Or maybe she felt that way because she knew she’d wanted him there for that reason, too. And even though it was gender discrimination, because she doubted anyone had made Benton feel icky about sleeping with half the single women in town over the past year, she still felt the hidden censure of flaunting her hunk.
And then there was Benton. His words last night at the Iron Bull—
“Ryan certainly has changed.” Mary Charlotte interrupted her thoughts. “Of course, I was two years ahead of y’all, but I remember him. I tell you, I wouldn’t have recognized him if someone hadn’t shown me his picture in the paper from a few years back. He was skinny then and wore glasses. But you could tell it was the same guy. But now, ooh-la-la, he’s a hottie. Good for you, Jess.”
“Mmm-hmm,” Jess murmured, going back to her fruit salad.
“And who are we discussing, dear?” Mimi asked, leaning over and giving Jess a whiff of her Chanel No. 5 perfume.
“Jess’s new man, Dr. Ryan Reyes.” Mary Charlotte’s eyes twinkled. “Ooh, I wonder if he makes house calls?”
“He’s a physician, dear?” Mimi asked.
“No, ma’am. He has a doctorate in … something. He was a scientist, and now he owns a charter fishing service in Florida. He’s Martha and Emilio’s son.” Jess gave an internal sigh. She was tired of doing this. And embarrassed to not know what his doctorate was in. Wasn’t someone in a relationship supposed to know those sorts of basic things? Well, if they were still in a relationship. She’d left before anything more could be said on the matter. Before she could apologize for saying such awful things to the man she …
What? Loved? Slept with? Used? Yelled at? Sought revenge with? Who was Ryan anyway, and what was he to her?
Maybe that was part of the problem—they’d yet to declare to each other how they felt. She burned hot for his touch, loved his sense of humor, took pleasure in his hidden geekiness, and loved sitting beside him, his fingers twined in hers. What did those feelings mean, and could she trust them enough to change her vision for her future?
“Oh yes. A fine boy. He helped my husband do our taxes one year. Ed got mad at Wendell Edwards and refused to pay him one more cent to do our quarterlies. Emilio sent his boy over. Wasn’t but twelve years old, but he did our taxes lickety-split with some newfangled computer program. It was amazing. Wouldn’t take any money for it, either, but Ed forced him to put some in his savings. He’s a genius, you know.”
“I do,” Jess said.
The striking of a fork against a crystal champagne glass drew their attention. Jess tried to tuck away the big ball of hurt inside her as she caught sight of Rosemary’s face. Her friend glowed, positively vibrated with anticipation and joy. Rosemary’s mother, Patsy, set the glass down and beamed at the ladies gathered round the large table in the Methodist church. “Thank you, friends, for being here with us on this day. I’ve dreamed about it for many years. Of course, I hadn’t expected to have to pull together my daughter’s wedding in less than a month.” Patsy cast a patronizing look at Rosemary and someone giggled nervously. “But I’m happy to say we’ve made it. Today is Rosemary’s wedding day, and I’m so glad you’re here to share it with us.”
Rosemary clapped her hands and stood, effectively stealing the spotlight from her mother. Patsy frowned. “Yes, Sal and I are so excited to have our closest friends and family with us on this day. Our wedding is a reflection of who we are—two different people who chose each other over what made sense. So today will be a mixture of tradition and novelty, the expected and unexpected, but most of all it will be about choosing love.” She sat down hard, refilled her champagne glass and lifted it, her eyes falling on Jess.
The message was clear: Don’t be confused about what is important.
But unfortunately, Jess had thrown that baby out with the bathwater. Or something like that. She’d likely tossed away the best thing that had happened to her.
Because she was chicken. Or a pussy. Or a pussified chicken.
She shuffled the food on her plate around so it looked like she’d eaten enough not to be rude and then excused herself to the restroom. Except she didn’t go to the restroom. She looked for a room to escape to for a moment. Pushing into a Sunday school room, she collapsed into a rocking chair and closed her eyes. Opening them, she looked around, noting she was in the preschool class. Large blocks and a patterned rug. Small chairs and the “Jesus Loves Me” song painted as a mural on the wall. All totally normal. All extremely sad to her.
Tears brimmed in her eyes, and she wiped them away, trying to tell herself to stop being such a crybaby. So she and Ryan had fought. So she felt out of place, discombobulated, angry, and small. She’d have to—
“Jess?”
She turned to see Eden standing in the doorway.
“Hey,” Jess said, sniffing and wiping her eyes.
“You okay?”
“Sure.”
“Really?”
Jess gave a little laugh. “No.”
Eden eased into the room and pulled a small chair out and sat in it. Oddly enough, she fit. Jess would have looked like a giraffe in a clown car if she’d tried it. Eden looked up at her. “It’s Benton, isn’t it?”
“Yes and no. It’s me,” Jess said, sniffing so her nose didn’t run. “And I shouldn’t talk about it. It’s Rosemary’s big day, and I don’t want to be the party pooper ruining it.”
“What did he say to you?”
“Who? Benton?” Jess asked, her gaze finding Eden’s concerned one. “He wants me back.”
“Oh Christ,” Eden muttered. “Of course he does. He likes to have all the to
ys.”
“Yeah, people keep saying that, and I’ve realized it’s true. I came back with a boyfriend, and he didn’t like that. Suddenly he’d made a mistake. Funny, huh? For a good six months after he left, I would have believed him. I wanted him to get past whatever it was he was doing and come home.”
Eden stared at her.
“I know,” Jess said, hating the woman she used to be … hating the woman she still was. “But he didn’t come back to me. And I got over him. But last night when he said all the right things, part of me wanted to believe him. And I don’t know why.”
“Because you loved him once. You had a nice life, and you want it back. I understand that,” Eden said with a shrug. “The thing is, society tells us it’s all about the heart, but in a practical sense, it’s all about security. Look, I live in Grover’s Park, where sometimes people don’t marry for love. They marry for a steady Social Security check.”
“That’s horrible.”
“Yeah,” Eden said with a shrug, “but that’s life for some people. And Benton is like a Social Security check. He has money, a good job, a respected family, and though he can be a total asshole, you know what you’re getting with him.”
“That’s … true,” Jess said, looking at her friend in a new light. Eden didn’t have much in the way of financial security. Perhaps the particular glasses Eden wore changed the light she saw the world in. And they surely weren’t the rosy designer pair Jess was viewing the world through.
“Yeah,” Eden said, folding her hands and staring off toward the easel holding a large picture of Zachariah climbing the sycamore tree. “But I’m not like that. I believe in love.”
For a moment silence sat between them, pregnant with reflection, accepting of life’s unpredictability.
“You know what I think bothers me the most, E,” Jess said.
Her friend turned her eyes back to Jess.
“I hurt Ryan,” Jess said. She waited a few seconds for Eden to respond, but her friend remained silent, waiting on her to explain. “I’m scared of getting hurt, and, well, Ryan’s acting crazy. He punched Benton this morning—”
“He punched Benton? Why?”
“Benton came by while I was sleeping, and they exchanged some words. Benton wanted to talk to me again, and Ryan was all crazy protective. When Benton tried to go around Ryan, he punched him. Twice.”
“Oh my,” Eden breathed, her eyes sparkling even in the dimness. “What did Benton do?”
“He fell down.”
Eden laughed, and that made Jess laugh. “He was shocked. I don’t think anyone has ever hit him before,” Jess said.
“The man spent too much time around people who see only one way—theirs. People who don’t ask, just take. If anyone needed a comeuppance, it’s Benton. And he was awful to Ryan growing up. Bet Ryan didn’t hold anything back,” Eden said.
“No, he hit him pretty good.” Jess smiled at the memory of Benton’s face. She didn’t condone violence, of course, but the incredulous look had been amusing. “He was one of the guys who locked Ryan into that PE closet.”
“I know,” Eden said.
“But you never told me.”
“You never wanted to believe anything bad about Benton. You saw him as the perfect guy. You never saw the chinks in his armor.”
Jess frowned. “Yes, I did. I lived with the man for years. I saw plenty of chinks and cracks,” Jess said, rubbing her hands along the worn rocker arms. “I don’t think I can live here anymore. I think that’s why I’m so conflicted.”
“Why can’t you live here? You love Morning Glory.”
Jess stilled for a moment, almost unbelieving of her own words. Not live in Morning Glory? Golly gee willikers. How could that be? “I do love Morning Glory, and it will always be my home, but this year has changed me. I don’t want Benton back, and he’s not running me off or anything. But coming back here after having been gone a month feels like pulling on shoes that are too small. Or maybe trying to go back into the cocoon. I just don’t think I can come home and be the same woman I was.”
“No one expects you to.”
“Maybe not, but I think I need something different for a while. You understand?”
Eden laughed. “Oh, I understand. As soon as Alan gets through with this tour, he’ll be getting out of the marines. He and my sister will come back here, and I’ll spread my little wings. No more cocoon for me, either.”
Jess smiled at that thought.
“And Ryan?” Eden asked softly.
“I’m scared to love him.”
“That’s probably a natural reaction, but if you let Benton’s cheating on you, leaving you, driving you out of your hometown stop you from loving again, I’m going to kick your ass.” Eden stood up and slid off her ballet flats. “Seriously, I’m ready to do it right now. Because Benton doesn’t get to win. He doesn’t get to put you in a corner and have the satisfaction of knowing you can’t be happy because of him. So if you’re going to run from Ryan and being happy, I’m going to have to beat some sense into you.”
Jess looked up at Eden with her eyes shining in defiance. “You think you can take me?”
“I’m stronger than I look, and you know where I grew up,” Eden said, curling her fists. “Don’t let him win, Jess.”
“I’m not,” Jess said, though she didn’t say it with much conviction. Things felt too overwhelming.
“Get up,” Eden said, tugging Jess’s wrist.
“Stop,” Jess said, shaking her off.
“Do you love Ryan?” Eden asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Do you love Ryan?” Eden said, her voice harder. “It’s not a hard question. You either do or you don’t.”
“Eden, stop acting crazy.”
“No. You’re leaving me in this shitty town, and I want it to be for a good reason. Do you love him? Does he make you happy? Can you imagine your world without him in it? Does he make your heart skip a beat? Does he make you ache for him? Do. You. Love. Him?”
“Yes. Okay, yes.” Jess threw her hands up and burst into tears. “I love him. And that’s so stupid, because I’m not supposed to. He’s my rebound.”
“You are an idiot. Would you stop following the shit you read in magazines or on Facebook? No one knows you or your heart. Stop pussyfooting around, flip-flopping and hemhawing. Life is short, sister, and you have a man who loves you. If you’re holding back because you’re scared or because you think people will think you’re doing the wrong thing, then you’re stupid. And I’ve never taken you for stupid.”
Jess felt something inside her break loose. Everywhere she’d turned, the people she’d trusted had told her to let go of her reservations and reach for happiness. She hadn’t wanted to listen because she thought she could control her life. But she couldn’t. All that had happened to her over the past year had nothing to do with her. Not Benton leaving. Not the divorce. Not falling in love with Ryan. Things happened, and she had to learn how to …
… find a high current to glide on, far above the madding crowd of guilt, conventions, and doubt.
Lacy had known exactly what to say.
Digging the letter out of her pocket, she unfolded it. Eden stepped back, her gaze finding the letter. Her friend’s eyes widened. “Is that Lacy’s letter?”
Jess nodded. “It’s silly, but I wanted her with us today.
Eden’s expression deepened, and sudden tears sheened her eyes. Slowly she reached into the pocket of her dress and pulled out a folded sheet. “Me, too.”
For a moment they looked at each other, tears brimming in their eyes. Jess found the lines Lacy had written to her and read them out loud. “‘Go where the wind blows you, friend. Don’t be afraid. Where it takes you, love will be waiting.’”
Eden sniffed and wiped the tears from her eyes. “She was pretty smart, huh?”
“Yeah, and so are you. I’m the idiot, remember?”
“No, you just wanted a happy ending, but your prince turned out to b
e a toad.”
“And my puppy turned out to be a prince,” Jess joked, wiping her eyes. “And now, after I’ve said some truly horrible things to him, I have to get Ryan back.”
Eden reached into her other pocket and pulled out her new smartphone. It was lit up. “After we get our hair and makeup done. Rosemary’s panicking because we’re supposed to be at House of Beauty in five minutes.” Eden grabbed Jess’s hand and pulled her up.
Jess refolded the letter and slid it into her pocket. “I need a plan.”
“We can discuss it over the manicures. How bad did you screw things up with Ryan?”
“I called him a pretender, and I screamed”—she looked around at her surroundings and lowered her voice—“‘eff you’ at him.”
Eden’s eyes grew big. “Wow. Okay, I’m thinking this is going to have to be a grand gesture. We might be able to incorporate the Elvis impersonator. Does Ryan like Elvis?”
Jess shook her head. “I don’t know. I wish I didn’t have to get my hair done. My gut is churning, and I feel like if I could talk to Ryan, I could make everything better.”
“He’s not going anywhere. He doesn’t have a car. Now, let’s go get prettied up. You want to look good when you get your prince.”
Jess followed Eden out of the pre-K Sunday school room still feeling unsettled but knowing what she had to do. The words Lacy had written were true. She had found a current, and now she was ready to spread those wings. She could only hope that Ryan would want to soar with her.
Ryan pulled up to the church and killed the engine of his parents’ tiny Smart car. He couldn’t believe his father had bought something so ridiculous, and when he’d said as much, his father had launched into a long narrative about the effects of automobile emissions on the planet. Once his eyes had unglazed, Ryan nodded, grabbed the key, and got out before his dad started talking about greenhouse gases and ozone layers. Ryan was more than happy to leave less of a footprint. He only wished to hell the Smart car was bigger than the go-kart he’d yearned for as a kid.
