I was out of the door in a flash.
I scurried down the third grade hallway, folders tucked beneath one arm, two cups of coffee in hand, my key ring hanging around my pinky finger, and a cheese Danish wrapped in plastic trapped between my teeth. The bell hadn’t rung yet and I was so relieved.
I met in front of my classroom just as Kim was coming out of hers. She had a kinky, full afro and loved hippy fashion. In fact, one of her headbands was how we worked up our very first chat—not to mention her classroom was right next to mine and I was a nervous shit my first day.
She welcomed me right in with open arms.
She made a tisking noise when she saw me coming, but didn’t hesitate on swiping her mocha out of my hand.
“You got lucky, girl. Forty-five seconds and that bell rings.” She studied the Danish. “Is that for me too?”
I grabbed it and shook my head, smirking. “Definitely not. Didn’t eat breakfast. Need it!” I wiggled my eyebrows at her before marching into my classroom.
“Hi, Miss Knight!” the entire class said in unison.
I grinned. “Oh my goodness! What a wonderful way to start my morning! Hi, my lovely, beautiful students.”
“Why are you late again?” Johnny, one of the smartest (and nosiest) asked.
I placed my coffee down on the podium up front and walked around it to stand in front of the dry erase board. “Well, last night I was up grading that little quiz we took yesterday. Do you remember?”
“Yes,” Jessica said enthusiastically. “It was about Dr. Seuss.”
“Yes! And not only that, but this class did so well on it that we get to watch a Dr. Seuss movie today!” They all cheered and I laughed as they turned red with excitement. “It is Friday, after all.” I grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. “Now, make sure that you actually watch the movie, okay? Watch and listen because I will be asking you all a few questions afterwards.”
“I’ve watched all of the Dr. Seuss movies, Miss Knight,” Johnny, the know-it-all, stated.
I planted a hand on my hip, smirking at him. “I’m not talking about the new ones with all of the big visual effects.”
“What other ones are there?” he asked, and he was truly confused. His face scrunched up in the most adorable way. This was why I loved third grade. They were still innocent, but they weren’t too wild. They knew better, but they still loved to learn at this age. Yes, I’d had a few duds here and there, but it had truly been worthwhile.
Becoming a teacher was one of the best things to ever happen to me. I didn’t regret my choice of career. It was hard work, but there was nothing like seeing the kids succeed and knowing you took part in that.
“You’ll see.” I winked at him as I popped the DVD in. Good thing I had this all figured out before leaving yesterday. While they were watching the movie, I was going to play catch up on next week’s assignments. “Now I don’t want any talking, okay? Not until it’s over. Is that understood, guys?”
“Yes, Miss Knight.” They all said it in unison and I nodded appreciatively at them before pressing play, shutting the lights off, and then walking to my desk. When I sat down, so much relief washed over me.
I just needed a quick breather. I couldn’t keep putting myself in this position because of Sterling. He had his issues and I wanted to help, but I also had a life and a pretty demanding career.
I needed to stay on top of my agenda, not fall backwards. I did that once—when I first started here.
I thought about Theo all summer long. Not even Sterling could cheer me up. He would always ask me what was wrong, but I would lie and say it was cramps, or a headache, or that I was just tired.
But the truth was, I missed Theo. Every single fucking day, I missed him. I wanted him back. I didn’t know what he was doing with his new wife. I wanted to call him—actually, I tried once. He’d changed his number. Of course he did. He was moving forward, and for a while I was backtracking.
I turned in my seat, peering out the window. I was grateful to have a classroom with an ocean view.
It was nice to come to work every day and hear the waves, and the kids loved it so much. But when school started, I damned myself. I could see the ocean, and every time I was on lunch break or had a minute to myself, I looked out and all I could think about was him.
I grabbed my keys and unlocked the top drawer of my desk. I glanced around the classroom, but they were all glued to the screen. I rolled back in my chair and read the sticky note that was taped to the bottom of the drawer. I’d had it there since my first day.
“Told you I would get it. I guess being a Black has its perks.”
I laughed quietly.
It was probably silly, but I read it everyday. For some reason it motivated me—the sticky note Theo left for me on the last day I saw him.
Someone knocked on the door, pulling me out of my state, and I shut the drawer quickly, spotting Principal Lint.
Oh, shit.
He waved a hand, and I nodded, pushing out of my chair and hurrying for the door. I stepped out and cracked it halfway behind me.
“Good morning, Miss Knight.” He had that usual light smile on display.
“Good morning, Mr. Lint. How are you?”
“I’m great.” He stepped back and folded his fingers in front of him. “I didn’t mean to pry, but I saw you coming in really close to the bell. I heard about you doing the same thing a few days ago. I just stopped by to make sure everything is okay?”
“Oh—psshh. Please. Everything is fine! Yeah, I’m so sorry about that. I’ve just been working really hard at night, so much so that I forget I actually need sleep like a normal human being.”
He chortled. “That is true. We do need our rest.” He looked me over briefly before peering over my shoulder and looking at the class. “Listen, I know there isn’t much time left, but if you need a substitute or anything to fill in for you, just let us know. You have never missed a day here since you’ve started and we are so grateful for that, but don’t let yourself get worn down. I don’t say this often, and I know it’s the end of the school year so it doesn’t seem very helpful of me, but we all need a little time off to take a breather here and there when things get overwhelming. I wouldn’t mind if you asked me, just as long as you kept that statement between us. Can’t have all of my teachers bailing on me.”
I nodded, pressing my lips to smile. “I understand, Mr. Lint. But no worries, really. I’m fine. I think I can hang in there until summer starts.”
He looked down at my shoes and his face scrunched up a bit. I looked with him, and holy mother of all saints.
“Are you sure?” he asked again, this time with a small smirk.
My face turned beet red as I studied my flats. One was brown with a gold piece and the other solid black. “Oh my goodness. I am so embarrassed.” I deserved the face palm I gave myself. I had never had this happen before. And how in the hell didn’t I notice? “I have another pair of shoes in the classroom—not my nicest, but at least they match.”
“You may want to change those before the kids get a crack at it,” he said, laughing. “But don’t be embarrassed. It happens to the best of us sometimes.”
“Thank you,” I huffed.
He capped my shoulder. “Have a great day, Miss Knight.” I watched him walk away until he disappeared around the corner. When he did, I hurried next door to tap on Kim’s window.
She was standing in the middle of the classroom, using her hands to make crazy gestures. She was a great teacher. Wonderful with kids. She was vibrant and energetic, just what they needed.
She heard my knock and looked over. I waved a quick hand and she said something to the class before coming to the door.
When she stepped out, she asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Why in the hell didn’t you tell me I had two different shoes on, Kim? Principal Lint saw them, and I made a complete ass of myself!”
She looked down, and unable to help herself, she burst out laughing. “
Oh, wow. I wish I would have seen that before I grabbed the coffee! It would have made my whole day!”
“This is not funny. He’s questioning me . . . watching me. He heard that I was late twice this week.”
“So what?” She frowned a little. “Did he make a big deal about it?”
I stepped back, glancing down the hallway. “No . . . but I hate that he’s watching me at all, you know?” I wrapped my arms around myself.
She grabbed my shoulders, sighing. “Get back to class and change your shoes. Take a deep breath and try to relax. Everything will be fine. During recess, we’ll talk more.”
I nodded. “Okay. Right.” She released me, and then turned to walk back into her classroom. I headed back to mine and sank into my leather chair, kicking my mismatch flats off and sliding into a pair of Crocs.
I normally wore them after school, when all of the kids were gone and I wanted to be comfortable, but I guess today I’d just give up early.
I was absolutely drained when I got home. I stayed a little later to make up for the lost time I could have had in the morning to get my assignments together. We were a week away from summer break and I could not have been happier.
I needed to relax. I needed some me time. I was tired of waking up early and staying up late for the sake of another person. I wanted to sleep in for a change. This year had been bumpy and rough—with Sterling acting out of sorts and me trying to make sense of it all.
Ugh.
It just wasn’t the same.
I walked to the patio door and pushed it open. The breeze was light. A soft gust blew through my hair as I kicked my Crocs off.
Walking toward the beach, I stared out at the ocean, wrapping my hands around myself—not because I was cold, but because for the first time in years, I was alone.
This wasn’t normal. I wasn’t used to this kind of loneliness at all.
I lifted my cellphone and scrolled to Sterling’s name in my call log. My finger hovered over the call button. I chewed on the inside of my cheek, knowing that if I called, I would probably make matters worse. He asked for his space.
But maybe if he could hear my voice, he’d realize he actually needed me there in Orange County with him. I loved my job, but I also had a personal life that I wanted to take care of.
So I called.
And I was glad he picked up.
“Chloe?” he answered.
“Hi, Sterling.”
“What is it?”
“Nothing,” I murmured. “I was just calling to check in. Haven’t heard from you since last night.”
“Oh . . . yeah. Got caught up.” He said nothing more, and the silence was both deafening and awkward.
“Is Margie okay?”
“No.” He groaned, and I knew he was doing his frustrated thing. Rubbing his face so hard—like it would rid him of his troubles. “Things aren’t really looking up. I don’t know what to do for her. I’ve been sitting here in the hospital all day. She can barely even talk.”
“I’m so sorry, Sterling.”
He didn’t respond. Another awkward silence.
“Are you feeling okay?” I asked lightly.
And he didn’t say anything to that either—at least, not right away.
“Chloe . . . listen.”
His voice had changed dramatically. It became deeper. Heavier. The sound of it made my heart shrivel up in my chest. I stepped forward, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear as I focused on the sand.
“I . . . can’t do this right now. I can’t be with you like this,” he mumbled.
“Like what?”
“I love you . . . but I’m not sure if I’m in love with you . . . and I know you aren’t in love with me either. Your heart has never belonged to me.”
I swallowed the large lump that had formed in my throat. “I do love you, Sterling.”
“But you aren’t in love,” he stated rapidly. “Look, I get it. I get it because I feel the same way. You and Theo? I saw what you had. I was there. I witnessed that shit firsthand.” Tears collected in my eyes when he said his name. “And, fuck . . . there’s Janet. You were right. It is her sometimes. I’m still not over her. I know she’s gone—I fucking know that it’s been years—but . . .fuck. I don’t know. I’m trying to accept that shit and move on, but I can’t move on, you know? I can’t because I still feel guilty—like it was my fault she died. Look,” he sighed, “I want to make this work with you. I want to do what I can to make you happy, but how the hell can I make you happy when I’m not even happy with my damn self?”
“Sterling—”
“No, Chloe. Don’t argue with me about this. You know I’m right.”
He was right. So fucking right. “So . . . what are you saying?” My voice wavered.
He was silent for a long time. I would have assumed he’d hung up, but I could hear a machine beeping in the background. Margie was on machines. Everything around us was going awry.
“I think we should call off the engagement. My head isn’t clear enough for marriage, and I refuse to put you through that.”
My eyes dropped to the ring on my finger. “Sterling, don’t you think we should talk about this in person?”
“We can . . . but what’s the point, Chloe?” He paused and then cleared his throat. “I check your phone at night sometimes. Your Facebook. You search for him.”
My heart plummeted.
Shit.
“I don’t blame you. I look at old pictures of her in the lock box I tell you to never go through. We shouldn’t do this to each other—force something that we both know won’t last. We were great friends before we attempted this love thing. Let’s just go back to being friends for now. Okay? Maybe we can see what happens later?”
I lowered to my knees. The sand was cool to the touch. My heart wasn’t cracking, but it damn sure was aching. After spending so much time with him, Sterling was the companion I relied on.
I mean, of course we had our differences, but I really tried to put him first.
“I understand,” I whispered.
“Don’t take this harshly. Okay?”
“I won’t.”
“Thank you, Haze.” My tears fell when he said that. A nickname of his. My hazel eyes. He adored them, or so he claimed.
The wind grew stronger, and the waves became bigger, crashing as they hit the shoreline.
“I’ll be home next week to get some stuff. I’ll stay at my mom’s place until I figure this all out.”
“Kay.”
He released what sounded like a huge breath of relief. “I do love you, Chloe. You should know that.”
“I know,” I choked out. “Listen, just keep me updated on Margie. She was good to my dad and I feel like I should be there for her since she was there for him, but . . . well, you know. School and all.”
“Right.” I could hear him laughing. It was very faint. “I’ll be sure to keep you updated. Hopefully I can get her out of here soon.”
“Hopefully.”
“Well, goodnight, Chloe.”
“Night, Sterling.”
I hung up and dropped the phone in the sand. My tears had dried up from the wind, but the stronger it grew, the more I felt the storm brewing inside me. It was coming, and I hated it.
I wanted to be strong, but I was irrefutably weak. The crazy thing was that it wasn’t losing Sterling or calling off the engagement that hurt me most. It was the fact that I was alone again.
It was because Theo was still out there, and he could pick and choose whomever he wanted. He didn’t even know what the hell I was up to. He didn’t need me back in his life. Not while I was this unstable.
Plus . . . Izzy. Fucking Izzy. I still had respect for my ex-best friend. I loved her to death. I saw pictures of her at the wedding and she was so happy for her father. There were pictures of just her and Theo, and I could tell she’d completely forgiven him.
What kind of person would I have been to drive a wedge between them again?
I couldn’
t.
I pushed up to a stand and picked up my phone, heading back to the house. Yanking the freezer open and taking out a tub of chocolate ice cream, I placed it on the countertop and then walked to the wine pantry to take down a bottle.
I placed a wide glass down, popped the cork of the wine bottle, and then poured. Nearly to the rim. I had to take a sip before picking it up, but trust me, that first sip was everything I needed plus more . . .
But it still wasn’t enough.
I sat at the counter and removed the lid from the ice cream. But when I picked up my spoon, I caught sight of the damn tattoo. The tribal tattoo I got—the one I lied to Sterling about. It was a boat. It was Dirty Black, but only I knew it.
Why the fuck did I get this thing?
Why would I do this to myself—torture myself with memories of a man that I let go?
What the fuck was I thinking?
I stared at it until my vision became blurry. I could no longer see it and it made me furious.
And then I broke down.
Into a complete sob I just . . . let go. Because as I sat in that empty house, wondering what the hell I’d gotten myself into, I only wanted one person there to comfort me.
The man that showed me true love for the very first time.
The man that made me his everything, and more, while he was in this town.
I wanted Theo, but instead I had no one.
Chapter Five
CHLOE
My phone was buzzing on the stand.
I looked towards the window. The sun was just coming up, splashes of it on the creamy walls. My phone continued buzzing and I let out a tired groan, twisting over to pick it up.
It was Kim.
Of course it was. We didn’t exactly talk about my issues during recess. One of her students puked all over the hallway floor and she had to take care of that. She was curious though . . . and truthfully, I needed someone to vent to right now.
I hardly slept last night. I climbed into bed around 3 a.m. and it was 7 a.m. now.
“Hey, Kim,” I sighed into the phone.
“Wow. I’m surprised you answered,” she said, her voice full of life.
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