“Is this safe?” I kept my arm under him to make sure he didn’t slip out.
“It’s fine.” She laughed, her eyes dancing with humour. “He’s used to this. I promise.” Well, Finn might be, but I wasn’t, and I wasn’t ready to put my trust in it, just yet.
I watched as she returned to getting a bag ready, shoving pots, and cloths and nappies into a large shoulder bag.
“Hey, you sure take a lot of preparation, just to go out,” I whispered to Finn. He’d settled against me and had rested his cheek on my chest with his arms wrapped around me like a funny sort of hug.
“Right. That was easy for a change. Ready?”
“Sure. Can you grab my jacket?”
She picked it up and held it out to me. I fed one arm through, keeping the other firmly around Finn. “Where are we going?”
She eyed me with a smile tugging at her lips. Gone was any of the worry or concern that was present at our meeting. This was the Astrid I remembered, and I was so fucking relieved.
“Somewhere you’ve been before. I thought you might like a return visit.”
“The gardens?”
“It’s our favourite place.” She nodded to Finn. I found it hard to believe that he could like it just as much as his mother, but hey, I wasn’t arguing.
After a tense journey, with the most precious thing in the world strapped to my chest, we arrived at the main entrance to the gardens. Astrid led the way through the streets into the peace of the garden.
Last time I’d been here, it had been the start of something I’d hoped would be pretty fucking special. Astrid had led me around in the middle of winter and talked about beauty that I couldn’t see. Now, all I could see was a beautiful garden, ripe with colour and potential. It was as if I was looking at the same place through new eyes.
“How often do you come here?”
“Every week.”
“You’re not bored?” I asked, trying to see what she saw.
“No. There’s something new to look at each time I visit. But it’s not just about the gardens anymore. I have time to myself here—to think, or just to escape. Finn likes being out in the fresh air. He’s not as grizzly.” I looked down and saw Finn happily chilled and content to be carried around.
“Do you have any other help? With Finn, I mean?”
“Sure,” she shrugs. “Belle takes him out when she can.” But she didn’t elaborate. I already knew she didn’t have the support of her family. She moved to an assortment of flowers in a raised planter.
“I want to help.” I looked at Astrid. Even I knew that babies took a lot of work, and having more people to help could only be a benefit, surely?
“Well, that’s going to be hard with us living so far away.”
The reality of our situation flattened the mood.
I let Astrid lead us through the garden, ducking into one of the vast Victorian greenhouses. The warmth of the spring day multiplied and grew sticky as we walked around the tropical greenery. The air, already thick with humidity, was also heavy with the tension between us after the mention of our situation.
Finn started to fidget against my chest, which diverted my concentration to him. I froze and waited for him to settle before moving again, but he wasn’t happy, fighting his position. “Astrid, is he okay?”
“Sure. He might be a little warm. We’ll go back out.” She headed for the door on the other side of the structure, and we came out into a rose garden. Flowers weren’t blooming yet, but the dark greens of the plants ensured it wouldn’t be long.
As soon as we were outside, Finn settled again. I wanted to know what Finn needed and when he needed it. Astrid instantly knew what might be the matter, and a bitter streak flashed through me that I was little more than a stranger to my son.
Plans were meant to be broken, right? Because I couldn’t keep this up without telling Astrid exactly how I felt. I stopped and waited for her to notice me.
She glanced towards me and stopped. “Are you okay? Do you need me to take him?” She motioned to Finn.
“I don’t want to avoid this any longer.” I steadied myself. “I came back to see Finn, Astrid. I don’t want to have to book my visits in or see him every couple of months. I want to get to know him. Hell, I want him to know who I am.” But the words didn’t feel important enough. Words weren’t my strong suit, and right then I needed a way to get through to Astrid.
Her eyes held mine, the blue so striking it could take your breath away. She looked down at Finn, who gurgled as she stroked his hair. Then she looked right back at me.
“Was Finn the only reason you came?” Hope laced her words and anticipation sizzled through my chest. Perhaps my words had worked. But nothing was as easy now.
“No. But there’s more at stake this time around.” I swallowed the lump in my throat and kept my hands wrapped around Finn to stop myself reaching for Astrid.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice was soft, and it slew my heart to watch her pain. Her fingers drifted from Finn’s head to my jaw. I searched her eyes then because I wasn’t going to take the next step unless I knew she was right there with me—desperate to repair the connection that had run between us since the very first moment we met.
My heart struck my rib cage, beating such a steady beat that I was worried Finn would feel it through my body.
It wouldn’t be our first kiss, but that’s how it felt, or more accurately, it reminded me of the first kiss I’d ever had—stolen from Jenny Lane when I was eleven years old. Only this kiss was the gateway to my entire future.
Astrid leant in, and I crushed my lips to hers, not wanting her to have any doubt in her mind that as much as I’d come for Finn, I’d come for her, as well. She’d never escaped my mind in all of this time apart. And while we needed to repair the trust between us, I was more than willing to put in the work.
Her soft lips explored mine, and I was immediately doused in lust, remembering all the heat of Astrid’s mouth and body. But as our kiss deepened, I remembered why the press of her body against mine was missing. Strapped to my chest was Finn.
She broke the contact and cleared her throat. “Wow. Okay.” She turned her head for a moment as if embarrassed at what just happened.
“What time does Finn need his next feed?” I questioned.
“Soon. And then he can go down for his sleep.” Her eyes drifted back up to mine.
Perfect. Time to pick up where we just left off, without the tiny human in between us. I snatched her hand in mine and refused to allow her to pull away from me.
From us.
She’d never be able to do that again. I knew her game. There was still time to understand the why, but I wasn’t in a rush anymore.
We walked to the exit and made it back to the apartment in relative silence. So much was left unsaid between us, but all the big stuff could wait. If there was to be any hope of working this out, it started with me and Astrid, no matter how much I wanted to be a part of Finn’s life, that would only happen the way I wanted if Astrid and I could make us work.
By the time we were back home, Finn was not happy to still be strapped in and made it clear for both to hear. But Astrid was calm and relaxed and had him out of the material strap thing and in her arms on the rocker before I could keep up.
I followed Astrid and watched in awe as she fed Finn, who seemed to think there was a shortage of milk or something, the fuss he was making about getting his hands on the white stuff. Guess he liked his food.
“Can you pull the curtain in my room?” I did as I was asked and let Astrid do her thing.
I continued to watch for a few minutes before ducking out and taking up my spot on the sofa. It didn’t take long for her to come back out, pulling the door ajar behind her.
“He’s flat out. See, all that fresh air was good for him.”
She dropped down on to the sofa next to me. “So, what now?” She looked up at me, and that wonder sparked in her eyes again.
“Well, that’s up to you.”
>
26
Astrid
The question hung in the air between us.
What did I want? Wasn’t that the mystery I’d willed my head to figure out? I’d been so focussed on Finn and held the notion that Leo was better out of our lives than in, that seeing him again had blindsided me.
God, it opened up a part of my heart that I’d shut off and had assumed had been overtaken with the love I now had for my son. But seeing Leo with Finn changed that. Hearing that he wanted to be part of his life, and being here with us… it shifted my entire perspective.
And that kiss kindled a yearning inside my chest that was frightening.
I wanted Leo. And I couldn’t think of any reason why I should deny myself that gift.
I took his hand and wrapped my fingers around his—this wasn’t purely a physical connection anymore. “I want you to kiss me again.”
His rich eyes warmed, and I saw the specs of passion build at the edges, enticing me to fall deeper into him.
He wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and pulled me to him, his lips urgent and forceful against mine. It was the perfect mix of desperation and sexy to set my heart galloping in my chest.
The moan he pulled from my throat turned the mood from sexy to sinful, and Leo pulled my body towards him. I split my legs either side to straddle his lap, and his lips immediately moved from my mouth down the column of my neck and down to my chest. The buttons of the shirt I was wearing weren’t enough of a deterrent to Leo, who slipped each breast free and exposed my chest to his assault.
Sparks shot through my nervous system as the scratch of his beard brushed my delicate skin. It built anticipation and desire in my stomach that I’d almost forgotten could exist.
His mouth captured my nipple in his mouth, and the heat felt delicious through the material of my bra. I was overly sensitive and could already feel all my defensives dropping with the pull of need draining the oxygen from my blood. Leo continued to strip every scrap of material from my top half until he’d buried his face in my chest.
He grabbed my butt and lifted, twisting me onto my back and laying me on the sofa. He kissed my stomach, which pulled me back into the real world for a moment. I wasn’t as toned as I had been before, but after a few moments, the worry faded into the background as Leo continued to smother me with affection. He moved up and down my torso until every inch of my skin hummed from his attention. It was only then that he reached for the button of my jeans.
As he dragged the denim off, I spiralled back to the worry of where this was heading. I wasn’t ready to have sex—god, I’d had a baby and the thought of anything…
“Stop over-thinking this, Astrid.” He cut into my internal dilemma. His lips brushed over the apex of my thighs, and he blew a stream of warm air over my knickers.
“Leo, I’m not sure—"
“Shh, I’ve got you. Just let me enjoy you. I need to make sure this is real. I’ve never had the time to savour you as I’ve really wanted.”
I dropped my head back to the cushioned sofa and forced the doubts from my mind. Leo took his time, just like he said he would. Slow licks, soft kisses, and the occasional bite peppered my body for what felt like forever.
“Bed?” Leo looked up at me, his eyes so dark that I wondered what might happen next.
“Finn’s in the room.”
“He needs his own room,” Leo groaned, and right then, I couldn’t agree more.
He grabbed a cushion and knelt on the floor, pulling me around to the edge of the sofa. He peeled the fabric of my knickers from my skin before muscling his way between my legs. And he didn’t hold back.
This time, his tongue teased the edge of my most sensitive spot, his lips kissed along my thighs, and he drove me to distraction, making me wish he’d just get on with the torture and touch me where my body was crying out for attention.
Finally, his tongue swiped through me and touched my clit. I tilted my head back, and my hips jutted up in an automatic response. God, I wanted more of this.
“Yes,” I panted.
Leo obliged and set to licking and lapping at me like he was in a race. The tension in my legs grew as I pressed myself harder against his mouth. I needed to come, and I wanted Leo to shatter my world.
His hands pressed against my thighs, spreading my legs as wide as possible and he sucked and licked until I was delirious—desperate to reach the crescendo and collapse into a million pieces.
“Please… please… yes!” I moaned, unable to keep the appeals from falling from my lips.
The wave finally broke, coiling around every muscle in my body and pulsing to my racing heartbeat. My eyes were so heavy that I couldn’t even watch Leo. I was spent and longed to curl up in a bed next to the man who’d made me feel like a woman again.
“Where are you staying?” I hummed, still floating in a blissful haze.
“About that. I can check into a hotel. But I kind of don’t have plans past staying here with you both.” He kissed along my collarbone as if offering an apology for his forwardness. Right then, I didn’t care that he’d hoped because I wanted him here just as much.
“Okay. It might be nice to have another person in the house for once. You can get to know Finn a little better,” I said through sleepy eyes as I pulled my legs up onto the sofa to find a more comfortable position.
“Should I check on Finn?” Leo asked.
I shook my head. “We’ve got a little longer. He’ll tell us when he’s awake.”
Sleep was coming hard, and a soft weight draped over my shoulders, securing my fate.
The sound of Finn gurgling slowly broke through my sleep, and I woke slowly, with a stiff shoulder.
I peeled my eyes open and saw Leo bouncing around with Finn in his arms. A smile broke across my lips, and I pulled the blanket down around me as I righted myself to sitting. “Hey, you two. All okay?”
Leo looked comfortable handling Finn, and he seemed happy to be someone’s centre of attention.
“We’re all good. When does he need more food? And what do you want to do for our food? I was thinking takeout?”
I couldn’t deny that sounded perfect.
“In about an hour or so. We can bathe him, then order takeout for after his bedtime feed?”
“Great. Sound like a plan, little dude?” Leo talked to Finn as if he was going to answer. He just looked around the room, fighting to keep his head in one position.
“What does he like to do?” Leo asked, continuing to bounce about.
“A little playmat time, chatting with his animals, being read to—” I listed off all the things that were part of the evening countdown to bedtime. This was often the hardest point in the day—so close to having a rest, but with so much still to do. I was usually both physically and mentally exhausted.
“Maybe Daddy can read him a story. What do you say?” It was the first time he’d used that word with Finn, and it sounded right.
My heart gave a little pulse in agreement, too.
A couple of hours later, Finn had passed out in his basket, and Leo was dishing chow mein and lemon chicken onto plates.
“You have no idea how perfect takeout is right now.” I took the plate from him and sat back on the sofa with chopsticks in hand.
“My sister loves her Chinese food.”
We switched the television on and tuned out to some FBI show. The evening stirred up visions of what the future could look like. Would this be our normal? Sharing responsibilities and enjoying some downtime together? The possibility hurt my heart because all of a sudden, I wanted that more than anything in the world. A lump formed in my throat, and I swallowed past it. Nothing was set in stone. Not yet, but I couldn’t deny that so far, everything with Leo felt right.
After eating my weight in Chinese food, I was ready to fall asleep on the sofa again.
“Okay, how about we call it a night?” Leo stood and pulled me up.
With all of us in my bedroom, we crept in so as not to disturb Finn.
I used the bathroom and climbed into bed and watched Leo. So far, he’d remained fully clothed, and I remembered I liked what was under the surface. As he peeled his t-shirt over his head, he revealed the faint dusting of freckles, harder to see in the dim light. But it was something darker on his skin that caught my full attention.
“Hey, what’s that?” I whispered. I grabbed his wrist and twisted his arm so I could see better. I recognised the raised and healing skin from a tattoo, and the letters now permanently etched into his melted my heart. ‘Finn’ was beautifully drawn in blacks and shaded with greys. My eyes stung, and I breathed past the emotion ready to test the strength of my rib cage.
“Ahh, that. I was mad when you left. I hated the fact that I had a son and didn’t even know about him. It made me want to do something permanent to show that I’d never forget him. This seemed like a good idea.”
“It’s beautiful.” I wasn’t sure if it was the words or the tattoo that meant more to me, and again, the guilt over my decision to keep the knowledge of Finn from Leo churned in my gut.
He finished undressing and slid into the sheets beside me. His arm snaked out to wrap around my hip, and he pulled me back against his chest. This was only the second time he’d slept in my bed with me, but it felt like he belonged here.
“Night, Astrid.” He fidgeted, and then his breathing evened out. No hands roaming my body, no expectation of more sex, just pure contentment to pull me next to him and sleep. A single tear escaped past my lashes and seeped into the high thread count pillowcase. As I thought over the day, I had to wonder what I’d done to deserve someone like Leo. After what I’d done, this was how he’d repaid me? The tears trickled down my face, but they were happy tears.
Despite everything being as perfect as I could have ever have imagined, sleep eluded me. I should have been exhausted—if not physically, then emotionally, but my mind wouldn’t switch off and kept creating fear that I was setting myself up for heartache. After all, there was a practical side to all of this. How were we going to work? Would Leo move back here?
Blush: A Strangers-to-Lovers Romance Page 20
