by Judy Angelo
“Silken,” she said, her voice weak, “I don’t feel too good.”
“What’s the matter, honey? Where does it hurt?” Silken had to fight to keep the fear out of her voice.
“It doesn’t. I just don’t feel right. And my body…it’s going numb all over.”
“I’m calling 911 right now.”
“No, don’t,” Suave said, her voice breathless. “Can you come?”
“I’m on the highway, heading to you right now. Just hang in there.”
When Silken hung up she had to bite her lip to keep a sob from escaping. Suave’s question cut her to the quick. Can you come? There was nothing that could keep her away.
But what made things worse was that she knew she’d left a huge burden on Suave’s shoulders and her sister ended up paying the price…all for the sake of Silken’s happiness. She would never forgive herself for that.
When Silken arrived at the office eleven minutes later she wasted no time in bundling Suave into the car and rushing her off to the emergency room. There she ran into another frustration - a three-hour wait. What part of emergency didn’t these people get?
Finally, after Silken had practically worn a path in the coarse carpet with all her pacing, Suave was wheeled inside for a battery of tests – blood, urine, ECG and MRI. The good news was, they could find absolutely nothing wrong with her…which was also the bad news. Nobody could pinpoint what was wrong with Suave. And as long as they couldn’t figure it out they were not letting her back out the door.
That evening Silken did not leave Suave’s side. When her sister drifted off to sleep she was still holding her hand. When Max came, carrying a brown paper bag and a cup of coffee, she was still sitting there, the thoughts racing through her head, the guilt eating into her heart.
“Any news?” Max asked as he sank into the empty chair beside her.
Silken shook her head. “Not yet.” Her voice was hoarse from lack of use. She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying not to look as scared as she felt. What if this was a really serious illness? What if…
She couldn’t even think it. If anything happened to her sister she would just die.
“I brought you some dinner,” Max said, setting the bag on the nearby tray and putting out a Styrofoam container and a fork.
“I don’t want any.” She didn’t even have the strength to be gracious.
He shook his head. “You have to eat. You’ll have to stay strong so you can help Suave.” He lifted the lid and the smell of sweet and sour chicken rose into the air. “Now come on. Eat.”
When Max put the fork to her lips Silken opened her mouth and let him lay the succulent meat on her tongue. The sweet tang made her shudder, her taste buds shocked by the sudden stimulation. She hadn’t eaten in eight hours and as she swallowed the first morsel her stomach growled.
With Max’s help Silken got through almost half the meal but as soon as the food had taken the edge off her hunger she pushed his hand away. She had more important things to do than worry about her stomach.
She had to know what was happening to Suave.
***
It took another twenty-four hours and a second round of tests before the doctors came back with a diagnosis. Suave’s symptoms were the manifestation of a disease of the nerves, brain and spinal cord. They determined that she had Multiple Sclerosis.
“What? How could that be? Suave’s been strong and healthy all her life.” Silken’s eyes flew from the ER doctor to the neurologist. “She eats healthy, too. She’s practically a vegetarian. How could this be happening to her?”
The neurologist drew in her breath and her face was grim. “We did the second set of MRI’s with contrast. The ink allowed us to see the lesions on the brain for the first time. Those lesions plus the symptoms she’s been experiencing make it close to certain that what your sister has is MS.”
“But isn’t that a disease that can paralyze?” Silken felt like they’d just dropped her heart inside a lead box. She was glad Suave wasn’t in the room.
“Yes.” The ER doctor folded his arms across his chest. “And that’s why we have to proceed cautiously in handling this patient. Severe stress can exacerbate the condition.” Then he frowned. “I meant to ask you, has she been under any undue stress lately? That’s the primary trigger for this disease.”
Those were the worst words the doctor could have said to Silken because it made her realize that what Suave was going through was all her fault. Because of her selfish behavior, focusing on her wedding and leaving all the work pressure on her sister, she’d put her under stress and made her sick. And this time, she wasn’t sick with anything as benign as the flu. She’d heard about MS and that it was a disease that made you progressively disabled over time and there was no known cure. How could she have done that to her beloved sister?
That night after Suave had been discharged and Silken took her home to bed, she sat by her bedroom window staring out into the night. There was no way she could sleep. Not tonight when she had so much on her mind. Starting the following week Suave would have to begin getting daily injections in the large muscle in her leg. According to the doctors, this was her only hope of slowing down the disease. The sad thing was, the drug was only thirty percent effective but the list of side effects was long, the worst of which was damage to the liver.
Silken sighed. From here on Suave would be faced with a difficult life, with the best case scenario being that they kept things under control and staved off disability for several years. The worst case? It could be as bad as ending up being bedridden and suffering from depression and cognitive impairment.
And who would be there to care for Suave if that ever happened?
Through her tears, Silken stared up at the crescent moon glowing in its inky-blue sea. “Oh, God,” she whispered on a trembling breath, “why didn’t you let it be me?”
CHAPTER TWENTY
“You’re not serious.” Max felt like he’d just been hit by a freight train. “Our wedding is in two weeks.”
“Was.” Silken’s shoulders sagged and her voice sounded old, like she’d already lived a thousand lives. “I can’t marry you, Max. Not under the circumstances.” She shook her head then looked away.
Max felt like she’d grabbed his heart and ripped it out by the roots. Fighting for composure, he reached out and took her hand in his. “Silken, I know you love your sister and I respect you for that but how can you say that? This decision, it will affect the rest of your life…and mine.”
Her face still averted, she drew in a deep breath then let it out slowly. “I’m sorry but it can’t be helped.” Then she sniffed. “You’ll move on, find someone else and I…I’ll survive.”
“Look at me, Silken.” He was not going to take that from her, not when he couldn’t see her eyes. He had to know if she truly meant what she was saying. “Tell me you don’t love me and I’ll walk away. But as long as you love me, as long as there’s hope, I can’t let you go. Not like this.”
For a long time he stared down at her lowered head then, slowly, she lifted her face and looked into his eyes.
And as he looked back at her those eyes he’d grown to love so much were now deep, dark pools of sorrow.
“Let me go, Max,” she said, her voice gone cool and distant. “I can’t…I don’t love you anymore.”
***
“I’ve been doing a lot of research,” Suave said, her face glowing as she walked into Silken’s room, “and there’s hope for me yet.”
Silken smiled, not wanting to burst Suave’s bubble but not wanting her to hang on to false hope, either. “What did you find out this time?”
“Remember I told you when I was browsing on the net last week that I found this book written by a lady in the UK who’s had MS over thirty-five years?”
“Yes?” Silken was watching Suave’s face and there was such hope, such excitement there that she couldn’t help feeling excited herself. “And?”
“I got the book day befo
re yesterday and I’ve finished reading it. Do you know that after thirty-five years she’s still active and mobile and most people don’t even realize she has MS?”
Now that caught Silken’s attention. “How is that? Did she try an experimental drug?”
Suave shook her head and she was beaming. “That’s the great part. It’s not like she’s pushing a miracle drug. She doesn’t speak against using prescribed drugs but she says a big part of managing the illness has to do with diet, supplements and exercise. That’s stuff we can control all on our own.”
Silken frowned. “But how? Could the answer be that simple?” And then her frown deepened. “And why didn’t the doctors tell us about this?”
For the first time since her illness a flash of something akin to anger crossed Suave’s face. “If it’s not a drug it’s not worth mentioning, as far as some of these medical doctors are concerned. That’s why it’s important to do your own research. Thank God for the internet.”
“So who’s this miracle woman? Can I see the book?”
“Sure. Give me a sec.” In less than a minute Suave was back, a thick white book in hand.
Silken took it from her. “Managing Multiple Sclerosis Naturally”, she read as she stared at the cover. She flipped it over in her hand and began reading the back material. “Are you sure this is good information? Is this woman credible? What kind of doctor is she?”
Suave rolled her eyes. “Are you even listening? She’s not a doctor but she’s probably the best advisor you could want. She’s been living with this thing for over three decades. And besides,” Suave took the book from her hand and began to flip through the pages, “the lady’s done her research.” Then she smiled and clutched the book to her chest like it was a treasured Bible. “Anyway, I’ve got nothing to lose. I’m heading out to the drugstore to stock up on my fish oil with omega 3, my vitamin D and my vitamin B12. I’ll catch up with you later.” She was almost out the door when she stopped and turned back to Silken. “Oh, and by the way, you thought I was a health nut before? Now I’m really going to go overboard. Judy says the trick is to consume no more than fifteen grams of saturated fat per day. That’s my new rule to live by.” Then she smiled. “I think I’m going to send Ms. Graham an e-mail.”
Humming to herself she walked out the door, looking and sounding happier than Silken had seen her in weeks.
Long after Suave had gone Silken sat on the bed, staring at the bedroom wall. This was the best news she’d had in such a long time. She was happy for Suave. Her sister’s future did not have to look grim. There was actually something she could do to slow the progression of this disease, maybe even halt it if she was lucky, and she didn’t even need a doctor’s prescription to do it.
And yet, although she should have been hopping up and down with crazy joy, what she felt was relief…but she also felt numb…and she felt drained.
The last several weeks had been difficult, shuttling Suave from her primary care physician to the neurologist to the X-ray department and to the lab as more and more tests were ordered for her. And even as they did all that, the numbness and dizziness did not go away, and they were even exacerbated by bouts of nausea.
It was only during the last week, after Suave read something on the internet about taking fish oil supplements, that she tried it and began to feel better. And now that she’d found the new ‘bible’, Silken was sure she would go all out with her supplement regime. She was looking forward to her sister feeling like her normal self again. As Suave had said, it was no fun walking around feeling like you were on the deck of a ship being buffeted by the waves. Silken couldn’t even begin to imagine living with such a feeling of imbalance.
But now maybe she could rest a little easier knowing that there were more options to explore. And maybe finally she could get some sleep.
Since Suave’s diagnosis Silken had not had a good night’s sleep for more reasons than one. She’d been fretting about her sister but she’d also been in mourning…for the loss of the love of her life.
Since she’d broken off her engagement with Max he’d spoken to her a few times, but only to find out how Suave was doing. Still, she could detect no resentment in his voice, only a cool distance and a formality that told her everything between them was different.
Not that she’d expected otherwise. She was the one who had made things different. She had no-one to blame but herself.
Her wedding day had come and gone and here she was, six weeks later, the ‘almost’ bride. At the thought of what could have been Silken pulled her legs up onto the bed and wrapped her arms around them. She dropped her chin on her knees, fighting the urge to cry.
She knew she had no right to be depressed. Nobody had forced her into the decision she’d made. She’d gone and made that move all by herself so now she had to live with it.
But knowing it had been her call wasn’t making things any easier. She missed Max so much it hurt. Literally.
And, what made it worse, she hadn’t been honest. Not with Max and not even with her sister. She’d told Max she didn’t love him and nothing could have been further from the truth. And Suave, even when she’d practically gone into shock when Silken had told her the wedding was off, she’d simply told her they’d had an irreconcilable fight and that they’d both agreed to go their separate ways. She could never let her sister know the real reason for the cancellation of her wedding plans.
That evening when Silken saw Suave laying out her supplements on the kitchen table, her face glowing with excitement, she knew that the sacrifice had been worth it. She had stayed by her sister’s side during the worst period of her life, when she’d been numb, unbalanced and mentally confused. Now it looked like she was on the road to recovery and Silken could not have asked for a better blessing.
After that, life took a turn for the better for Silken and Suave. The low fat diet that Suave was following made her so vibrant, energetic and upbeat that Silken decided to try it herself. She was pleasantly surprised to find that she was sleeping better and feeling generally in a much better mood. Things were not perfect, by any means, but her outlook on life had shifted from depression to a generally more positive outlook.
And then, as if this was their time for a miracle, Suave got the best news of her life. She’d gone for her regular visit with her GP that afternoon and even before she returned to office she called Silken, so excited she was stuttering.
“I can’t believe it,” she shouted into the phone. “The latest test results came back and the lesions on my brain, they're gone.”
She’d rushed back and burst in through the office door. Silken was waiting for her and as soon as she stepped in she ran to meet her.
“What were you telling me on the phone?” she asked, her eyes searching Suave’s. “You’re healed?”
“No, not healed,” Suave said, laughing almost hysterically. “Even better. It looks like I never had MS in the first place.”
That stopped Silken in her tracks. She stepped back and stared at Suave’s flushed face. Was she sick again? Was she hallucinating this time? “Uhm, are you sure you know what you’re talking about, Suave?” She took her by the hand and led her over to her desk. “I think you’d better sit down.” She pushed her down onto the office chair then placed a hand on her sister’s forehead. “You’re not having a fever, are you?”
“Silken, will you stop being such a mother hen?” Suave laughed and pushed her hand away. “Just shut up and listen, will you?”
Silken did as she was ordered. She pulled up a chair across from Suave and listened open-mouthed as her sister explained what had happened.
“A misdiagnosis,” she said triumphantly. “That’s what it was. I didn’t have MS. I was deficient in vitamin B12.”
Slowly, Silken shook her head. “But that makes no sense. What about the symptoms? Weren’t those signs of MS?”
“As it so happens, the symptoms of MS and vitamin B12 deficiency are very similar, right down to the lesions on the brain.” Sua
ve pushed forward in the chair and leaned toward Silken. “Do you know how they figured out they’d made a mistake? My last MRI on the brain. Not a single lesion to be found.”
Silken gasped. “But how is that possible? You can’t reverse these things, can you?” She held her breath, hoping against hope that the answer was yes, that Suave would make her question totally irrelevant.
"Apparently you can. In my case, anyway.” Suave grabbed her purse from where it perched beside her on the chair and dumped its contents on top of the desk. “Remember these pills I started taking after I read the book?” She slid a bottle across the table.
Silken picked it up and read the label. “Vitamin B12. So?”
“So that was the answer. Don’t you see? I reversed my deficiency in that vitamin so my symptoms began to disappear.”
Silken lifted her eyes from the bottle in her hand. "And so did the lesions?”
“And so did the lesions.” Suave was positively glowing now. “And the good thing is, I can figure out why I was deficient in the first place. I cut red meat out of my diet a long time ago but apparently it’s an excellent source of B12. My diet was almost like a vegetarian’s and they’re normally advised to take B12 supplements. I hadn’t even realized that until I started my research.”
Silken’s heart was beginning to do a happy dance inside her chest but she had to rein it in. Before she started celebrating she needed to know for sure.
“So you’re cured?”
Suave shook her head. “I don’t want to say that yet. They’re going to run some more tests just to confirm the results but it sure looks hopeful.” Then she drew in her breath and let it out on a sigh. “But I’m a happy camper right now, you can trust me on that.”
Then, before Silken could move, she hopped out of the chair, grabbed her purse and headed for the door. “I’ll soon be back,” she said. “I have to go share the good news.”
