by Robin Kaye
“Are you at Pete’s?”
“Yes.”
“Are you bleeding?”
“N-n-no”
“I’ll be right there.”
It took a half a box of tissues for him to get there.
Jax walked in, pulled her onto his lap, and held her like he used to when they were young. “He had Pete take you home, huh?”
“He didn’t even say good-bye.”
“Rocki, give the guy a break. How could he say good-bye to you without breaking down? Honey, he loves you. He’s afraid, he’s confused, he needs space, but he loves you.”
“I know but when he told me . . . He said he’d love me for the rest of his life—he didn’t say he’d spend the rest of his life loving me—there’s a difference. A big, big difference.”
“Give him time. He’s a smart guy; he’ll figure it out. Have some faith in him.”
“What if I lose him?”
“Why do you think I’m single? I’m not as brave as you are.” Jax hugged her close and rubbed her back.
She didn’t know when it happened, but she must have cried herself to sleep. She awoke with a big dog in her bed and a little girl standing next to her.
“Rocki, I got scared. Can me and D.O.G. sleep with you?”
“Sure, baby, crawl under the covers.” She held the blankets up for Nicki and pushed the dog down to the foot of the bed. “Did you have a bad dream?”
“I dreamed that Slater went away and I couldn’t find him. I kept calling for him and he never came. I got so scared.”
“I know, baby.” Nicki was a perceptive little girl—Rocki had the same feeling, so she didn’t want to tell her it wouldn’t happen. “Slater loves you. Even if he’s not here with us, he’ll always be in our hearts.”
“I don’t want him in my heart. I want him here.”
“Yeah, me too.”
Nicki snuggled up close. “Is he gonna leave because of me?”
“No, baby. Slater needs some time to deal with a grown-up problem. Men are different, when they have problems, they go into their caves to figure things out.”
“What do girls do?”
“We eat chocolate, talk to our best friends, and shop.” She thought she should leave out getting stinking drunk. Nicki was only ten after all.
“Where’s Slater’s cave?”
“I don’t know, but it’s not a real cave. It’s just a place where he can be alone to brood.”
“Yeah, Storm told me about that. Boys brood and girls cry.”
“You can cry if you want to, Nicki. I have tissues, and I know where Bree keeps her stash of chocolate.”
“You do?”
“I certainly do. We can have a little girly picnic. But D.O.G. can’t have any.”
“’Cause he’s a boy?”
“No, because he’s a dog. Chocolate makes dogs sick.”
“Okay.”
“And no smudges on the sheets.”
Nicki smiled. “That would just be a waste of good chocolate.”
“Exactly. Maybe tomorrow, you and I can go out for some retail therapy. Think of all the after Christmas sales.”
Nicki’s face screwed up into a complicated knot.
“What’s wrong?”
Nicki shrugged. “I don’t have any money. And really, everyone bought me so many presents and stuff, I don’t need anything and I don’t want to ask Pop for money. It doesn’t seem right.”
“That’s okay. Let me tell you a little secret.”
“Do you want me to pinkie swear not to say anything?”
“We can if you want. But I trust you, Nicki.”
“You do? Okay, what is it?”
“I have lots and lots of money, so we can go on a shopping spree on me.”
“You’re rich? Like Scrooge McDuck?”
“No, not that rich.”
“How come it’s a secret? Mr. Thomas is rich—he’s Scrooge McDuck rich, but instead of a helicopter he has one of Storm’s boats. A super-big boat—but he doesn’t try to keep his money secret.”
Rocki shrugged. “It sounds stupid, but I wanted to make sure everyone liked me for me, and not because I have money.”
Nicki leaned back against the pillows. “You’re right, it sounds stupid. No one here would do that. If you were mean or something, it wouldn’t matter how much money you had, they’d still not like you. Look at Logan’s old girlfriend, Payton. She’s rich and we couldn’t stand her. Logan said she was a good person, but I didn’t think so. I think she was a big meanie.”
Yeah, Nicki was a real smart little girl. Rocki slipped out of bed. “You stay here. I’ll get the chocolate. Do you want a glass of milk?”
“Yes, please. Oh and can you bring a cookie for D.O.G. so he doesn’t feel left out?”
“Sure thing, I’ll be right back.”
Rocki shook her head. Nicki was so much like Slater it hurt. If Slater left, it would be hard to be around Nicki. If Slater left, it would be even harder to lose Nicki. At least she’d have a little piece of Slater in her life. If Slater left, Rocki wouldn’t be the only casualty.
• • •
Jax stepped out of the shower and picked up the phone, his heart jackhammering like the guys ripping up the sidewalk two doors down. The last several calls he’d received had all been bad news and he had a feeling this one wouldn’t be good either. He answered while dripping all over Rocki’s bathroom. “Hello?”
“Jax, it’s Pete.”
Jax wrapped a towel around his waist.
“I need you to do me a favor.”
“What do you need?”
“Can you bring me Slater’s duffel bag and anything he left at Rocki’s. I think his computer is here.”
“It is. This doesn’t sound good, Pete.” Jax put the lid down and sat, holding his head in his hand. It sounded as if Slater was rabbiting.
“It’s not. But there’s nothing we can do. This is a road Slater has to walk, and for some reason, he thinks he needs to go it alone. He checked himself out of the hospital.”
“Shit.”
“He thinks he’s doing what’s best for Rocki and Nicki.”
“Rocki’s a mess.”
“I know. This is hard on everyone. I need to fill Storm and Logan in on what’s going on.”
“They don’t know?”
“I probably should have told them last night, but I just didn’t have the stomach for it. It would really help me out if you could take Rocki and Nicki to breakfast—get them out of the house for a few hours.”
“I’m happy to help. I’ll get dressed and head over after I get Slater’s things together.”
“Just bring them to the bar, son. I don’t want to upset the girls.”
“Okay, but one of us is going to have to tell Rocki.”
“I want to talk to Slater first and see how he’s doing.”
“Sure, just keep me in the loop. I’ll keep the girls occupied.”
“Thanks, Jax. It means a lot to me. Rocki means a lot to me too. She’s like another one of my kids. I hate to see her upset.”
“Let’s just hope Slater gets his head together and doesn’t do something stupid.”
“From your mouth to God’s ears.”
“I’ll be there in under an hour.”
He made the trip to the Crow’s Nest in no time. Packing for Slater was as easy as zipping the guy’s duffel. He obviously hadn’t made himself at home. He was definitely military—everything was neatly folded—probably regulation. The man traveled light, which was another bad sign.
He dropped the bag off with Pete, made it to the apartment, and found the girls curled up together asleep like kittens in a basket. D.O.G. opened one eye and then rolled over using Rocki’s feet as a pillow.
Jax remembered the way Rocki woke up eve
ry day after their parents died. She’d open her eyes, smile, and then she’d remember. He would see the black veil of pain cover her face. He didn’t know how to stop it. He couldn’t stand seeing it. He did the only thing he could do. He made her laugh. Shit, he hadn’t done this in years but it looked as if he was going to have to resurrect his stunning performance of The Blob. He just hoped it still worked.
He crouched at the foot of the bed and started the sound effects—the guttural beat of a heart. When Nicki opened her eyes, he made a funny face and oozed onto the bed. Rocki awoke, heard him and found Nicki grinning from ear to ear.
Rocki feigned a B-flick scream queen, but couldn’t stop her laughter. “Nicki. Help! It’s—”
“The Blob.” He strung out the word till he ran out of air, holding his hands in the air like a bad impression of Boris Karloff’s mummy. He felt dumb. He pushed D.O.G. off the bed and started his sideways roll over them.
“Jax!” Rocki yelled. “You’re heavy!”
“The Blob is coming for you.” He grabbed Nicki and tickled her until she was fighting for breath.
Rocki beaned him with a pillow, and then Nicki got into the act and bedlam ensued. D.O.G. jumped around barking.
Nicki laughed so hard, happy tears streaked her face, and Rocki tackled him.
Shit. Rocki knew all his ticklish spots. He finally yelled uncle and ended up lying in the middle of the bed with an arm around both girls. Once he caught his breath, he gave them each a kiss on the forehead. “I’m here to take my two favorite ladies to breakfast. How fast can you get ready to go?”
Nicki shot out of bed. “I gotta ask Pop.”
“Already done.”
“D.O.G. needs to go potty.”
“I’ll walk him while you and Rocki get dressed.”
“Okay!” Nicki tore out of the room.
“Brush your teeth, Nicki,” Rocki yelled before turning her gaze to him. “Okay, what’s going on?”
“Do I have to have an ulterior motive to want to take you out to breakfast?”
“No, but you do. I just want to know what it is. Is something wrong with Slater?”
“Nothing that wasn’t wrong with him last night—at least as far as I know.”
“Don’t lie to me, Jax.”
“I’m not.” Okay, he wasn’t telling her everything, but as far as he knew, Slater was no more screwed up than he had been last night. That was the truth at least.
“Nicki doesn’t need to be hanging out in the apartment missing Slater. I thought you two could take me around the city today.”
“Well, we did talk about going shopping.”
Jax smiled. Shopping he could do—it might kill him, but he’d do anything to keep a smile on their faces. “It just so happens that I have an American Express Platinum Card burning a hole in my wallet. I never did get to buy you a Christmas present.”
“Only Platinum? I thought you’d go Black.”
“Rocki—I’m not that pretentious. Besides, it costs seventy-five hundred dollars a year just to have one.”
“You’re pretentious, but you’re also cheap.”
“I’m a fund manager. I make money and I spend it, but I hate to waste it.”
“I guess I should get ready.”
“Yup. I’m thinking we should hit FAO Schwartz, Toys R Us, and maybe Tiffany.”
“And shoe stores—you know how much I love shoes.”
Shoes. He groaned inwardly. God, she was really going to kill him—and make him pay first.
• • •
Slater stood outside his hotel, counting the cracks in the sidewalk. He ignored the rumble of the elevated subway down at the end of the block, inhaled exhaust fumes, and waited for Pop. He scrubbed his face with his hand, thinking he should shave. His beard was getting itchy, but then the rest of him felt itchy too. It felt as if he were about to crawl out of his own skin.
He needed to get his computer. He needed to do serious research. He needed to know where he came from, who he came from, why his own father hated him so much—he’d murdered Slater’s mother and tried to kill him.
Pop stopped beside him, dropped Slater’s duffel and messenger bag, and leaned against the same graffiti-covered wall Slater was holding up. “You couldn’t find a dumpier hotel?”
“I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t tell Rocki where I was.”
The look on his father’s face screamed disappointment. Slater just wished he could feel enough to be ashamed, but he didn’t have it in him today. He was numb. Maybe it was from the cold, but he had a feeling it was from pushing Rocki away. She took his heart, and without one, a guy might live, but it made feeling anything more than pain difficult.
“All you had to do was ask me not to tell Rocki, son. I’d respect your wishes. Why don’t I call my buddy and get you a room at the Millennium? At least they have room service.”
“No, Pop, I’m fine.”
“You’ll get bedbugs here.”
“I’ve had worse.”
“Slater, I don’t ask much—”
“Fine.” God, he didn’t want to hear a sermon, but Pop had that look Slater had seen a million times—the look that was always followed by a lecture. “Call your friend and give me the address, but if Rocki shows up, I’ll leave.”
Pop put a hand on his shoulder and it was all Slater could do not to shrug it off. Pop was already upset—Slater saw it in his face. He didn’t want to make things worse for anyone—that was why he had to get away.
“Son, I’m not going to put Rocki in a position to be hurt any more than she already has.”
“I’m not hurting her. I’m protecting her.”
“I know that’s what you think you’re doing. That’s the only reason you’re still standing. You’re making a huge mistake. I know it in my bones, but there’s no way you’ll believe me. I just hope you come to your senses before it’s too late.”
A lump formed in Slater’s throat that no amount of swallowing could reduce. “I don’t know what to believe. Pop, I lost my temper once. I went after some asshole beating on his own daughter. I wanted to kill him and if I hadn’t been nine years old, I would have.” Shit. The lump filled his throat as if he were intubated. Every time he tried to swallow, he fought the urge to gag. He’d spent the last twenty years afraid he’d turn into a murderer. He’d been capable of it at nine. He was more than capable now. Knowing that, knowing that his own father was a killer, told him every fear he’d ever had was warranted.
“You would have been justified. I read the report. That man deserved whatever you did to him. He went to jail for child abuse a year or so after you were pulled out of that house.”
Slater sucked in a breath and met Pete’s gaze. “Was Kendra okay?”
“She lived.”
Slater rubbed his eyes. He’d been remembering so much, his brain was flooded with Technicolor horrors. It was like the dam broke and feelings and images rushed through every part of his past, breaking down all the walls he’d built, destroying everything in its rapid descent to the bottom. He just wished he knew when he’d hit the floor. His head pounded, his heart raced, his fingers tingled with pins and needles, and beads of sweat popped out on his forehead even as a chill ran through his entire body.
“Slater, you’re not a nine-year-old boy protecting a little girl from a man three times your size. You’re a grown man. You’re the man I raised. You’re in control.”
“I almost lost it when Storm accused me of mistreating Nicki.” He dragged a hand across his brow and squeezed his eyes shut. “If he had been in front of me instead of on the phone, I don’t know what would have happened.”
“You would have beaten the snot out of him. But you wouldn’t have hurt him. I saw you and Logan go at it, remember? You pulled every punch, hell, you let him pummel you.”
“I deserved it.”
“I’m not now.”
“No.” He pursed his lips in irritation. “You’re right. You’re letting a ghost control you.” He spoke slowly, as if Slater’s IQ had been cut in half. “That’s your problem. I hope you bury that bastard where he belongs and have a happy, fulfilling life just to spite him while he rots in hell.”
“I’m not letting anyone control me. I’m trying to get control. I’m doing my best, Pop.”
Pop’s shoulders dropped and he widened his stance, rocking back on his heels. “You’re not in this alone. You have me, your brothers, Rocki—”
“God, don’t do this.” Slater ran his hand through his hair and gave it a tug, then paced to the curb, turned and paced back, stopping right in front of Pop, meeting his gaze. “You can’t fix this for me.” Spitting the words out around the lump lodged in his throat was painful. He swallowed and tried not to lose his coffee. “You can’t make it go away. No one can. I just need to learn to live with it. I need to understand what happened. I need to find a way to move past it.”
“Love heals all wounds, son.”
“Now you’re quoting the Bible?” Slater wanted to bang his head against the brick wall; it would do more good than arguing with Pop.
Pop gripped his shoulder again and squeezed. If he wasn’t mistaken, Pop was fighting the urge to cuff him upside the head. Not that he didn’t deserve it. “No, if I were to do that, I’d tell you that love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things . . . It’s in Corinthians. Check it out smart-ass. They’ll probably have a Bible in your room.” Pop released him and stepped back. “Go to the Millennium in Times Square. Jerry Schmidt will have a room waiting for you. All I ask is that you contact me once a day and let me know how you’re doing.”
“And whatever I say won’t be repeated to Rocki?”
“You have my word.” Fire flashed in the old man’s eyes and Slater wished he hadn’t had to ask.
“Okay, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Remember, take care of Rocki and Nicki and don’t tell them where I am.”
“I’ve been taking care of my girls long before you got here. I don’t need you telling me what to do, especially since you’re doing such a piss-poor job of it yourself.” Pop gave him another disgusted look, then walked away.
