I smiled. “I know.”
“But then as the guys did the research, they found all this positive stuff. So we kind of snuck it past, and I think the viewers liked it. We actually did some pretty good numbers because of that series.”
My father was right, Lui was definitely the businessman in the family. “You stuck your neck out for me,” I said. “I appreciate it. If the numbers had gone the other way you’d have been in trouble.”
“TV news is ephemeral.” He snapped his fingers. “You blink and the segment’s over. Nobody even remembers it twenty-four hours later.”
I looked around his office. One wall was filled with photos of Lui talking, shaking hands, sharing drinks with most of the movers and shakers in Honolulu. “I want you to know I appreciate everything you did for me,” I said. “Everything. The series helped, but I know it took more than that for me to keep my job. Dad knows a lot of people, sure, but even he admits you know more of the people who make things happen nowadays. I’m sure you put a word or two in on my behalf.” I nodded my head in the general direction of the photos.
“I might have called in a few favors.”
“That must have cost you.”
“Nothing I can’t afford.”
That night I called Akoni at home. He’d already heard, from Yumuri, the basic outline of what had happened. “Are you going to take the job?”
“I worked hard to get to homicide. I’m not going to give it up. There are guys who aren’t going to like me, but that’s their problem. I’ve got to be who I’ve got to be.”
“You’re the first homosexual I’ve known.” Akoni paused. “It’s made me think a lot, you know. Changed my attitudes. I mean, I’m not saying I don’t still have a long way to go. But it isn’t even a place I ever thought of going until you—came out, I guess.”
“So?”
“So I’ll bet there’s lots of other guys, cops and other people, too, who could start changing the way they think. That’s an important job, changing the way people think.”
“That’s the part of the job I don’t like,” I said. “I’m not all that comfortable with being gay yet. I want people to think of what I can do, not who I am. I’m worried people are going to see me as the gay cop, and they’ll only see the gay part, not the cop part. And that’s not who I am.”
“I think it is,” Akoni said quietly.
“What?”
“You’re not just a cop anymore, Kimo. Like it or not, you’re a gay cop. True, people are going to see you that way, just like if you went to the mainland they’d see you as a Hawaiian cop, or some kind of mixed-race cop. You better get accustomed to it.”
“Maybe I should just quit the force. I could be a security guard or an insurance agent or something.”
“You’d still be a gay security guard or a gay insurance agent. At least as a gay cop, you can do some good. People still like to victimize fa—I mean gays. Look at that guy your brother beat up. Just minding his own business and somebody whales on him. You could do something about that. And that gay teen center in Waikīkī. You could go there, help out. Maybe you can make it so it’s not so hard to come out for some kids there.”
I thought a lot about what Akoni said after we hung up. There were good things I could do. I could be an example, raise some consciousness, be a role model for some confused kid. But it would mean sacrificing privacy, letting myself be defined by my sexuality, opening myself up to the kind of conversations like the one I had with the security guard at Lui’s station, who wanted to talk to somebody about his gay nephew. For Christ’s sake, I didn’t want to be gay at all, if I could help it. It made me really uncomfortable to become the poster boy for gay life in Honolulu.
There was just too much to think about, and I had to shut if all off for a while. I surfed, and then I swam until my arms and legs felt like jelly. Then I dragged myself home and read for a while in the afternoon. Eventually I got into my truck and started to drive.
It was as if the truck was on automatic pilot, finding its way out to Wailupe on its own. I turned the volume up on an Uluwehi Guerrero CD, letting the pounding of the ipu hula take over my brain, keep it from thinking. I played with Danny for a while, hide and go seek in the backyard, then racing him down the street until he collapsed happily. After he went to bed, Terri poured us a pair of Fire Rock Pale Ales into two tall Pilsner glasses, and we sat out in the backyard under the stars.
“We’re in the same situation, you know,” she said. “We both have to reinvent our lives. I can’t just be a housewife and mother anymore. I have to do something.”
“If you need some money I can probably give you a loan.”
She laughed. “I don’t need the money. My trust fund isn’t huge, but I could certainly run the house on it. And my parents have already put away money for Danny’s education.” She shook her head. “No, I need to do something more with my life. I’m not sure what. Maybe some volunteer work at first. Or else I could go back to the cosmetics counter at Clark’s.”
A bank of clouds moved in front of the moon and the yard darkened. “You’ve got options,” I said. “Options are good.”
“You have them too. If this job makes you uncomfortable, then don’t take it.”
“Actually I kind of think that’s a reason to take it,” I said. I took a long draw of my beer and thought about what I wanted to say. “These last couple of weeks have been really awful, you know? But at the same time they’ve been exciting. I mean, I remember the summer I was thirteen I was miserable, just lying around the house, sleeping like eighteen hours a day, and my whole body ached, because I was having a growth spurt. I was five foot two when school let out and I was five foot nine when it started again. And it was great. I wasn’t the baby anymore. My basketball improved dramatically. My mother started buying my clothes in the men’s department.”
I had some more beer. “So even though it was miserable, in the end I was better off. Maybe this is just the next step in my growth process.”
“It’s funny how society labels us. You’re a gay man, now, and I’m a widow. And you know, we’re not the same people we were a month ago, before we had these labels. So maybe the labels change as we change. Who knows what they’ll be calling us a year from now.”
“To new labels,” I said, clinking my glass against hers. “And to becoming new people.”
That’s what finally decided me. Just like sharks had to keep moving to stay alive, I thought we all had to keep growing and changing. Sometimes that growth hurts, and sometimes you had to give up things that mattered to you. My father had made sacrifices for me and my brothers, and though I’m sure they hurt him, he made it through. They made him the person he is.
My brothers had sacrificed for me, too. They had stood by me, taken chances and given me, eventually, their unconditional love. Even men like Tico Robles were willing to take the risk that some asshole would beat them up just because they were at a gay bar.
The next morning, Derek was freed on bail and he began to spend most days with his grandfather. Aunt Mei-Mei said that the two of them spent a lot of time together, driving out to Windward Oahu and walking the long stretches of beach there.
Tim Ryan called me at home that night. He congratulated me, and we talked for a couple of minutes about the choice I had to make. “Listen, Kimo, there’s one other thing I wanted to say.” He paused. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you. The whole gay thing has been so hard for me, and I never had anybody who was there to help me through it. Now I realize I could have done that for you, and I missed the chance. I want to work on that. If I can just get a little more comfortable with myself, then maybe I can be there for someone else. I’m just not there yet.”
“I understand. But let’s try and be friends, okay? You’ve still got a long way to go before you’re a real surfer.”
“I’ll work on it.” He laughed. “And I’ll try to let you help.”
We hung up, and I sat back on my bed thinking. It was a lot of fut
ure to face, a new job, new relationships with family, friends and coworkers, and then, finally, starting on the search for what my parents had, what my brothers had. There was a saying among women, that you had to kiss a lot of toads before you found your prince, and I hadn’t kissed many toads yet, so I had some catching up to do. Maybe there was a prince out there somewhere waiting for me. At least, I had to believe there was.
I called Lieutenant Sampson the next morning and told him I was ready to come back.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
NEIL PLAKCY is the author of Mahu, Mahu Surfer, Mahu Fire, Mahu Vice, and Mahu Men, about openly gay Honolulu homicide detective Kimo Kanapa’aka. His other books are Three Wrong Turns in the Desert, Dancing with the Tide, The Outhouse Gang, In Dog We Trust, Invasion of the Blatnicks, and GayLife.com. He edited Paws & Reflect: A Special Bond Between Man and Dog and the gay erotic anthologies Hard Hats, Surfer Boys and Skater Boys. His website is www.mahubooks.com.
MLR PRESS AUTHORS
Featuring a roll call of some of the best writers of gay erotica and mysteries today!
M. Jules Aedin
Maura Anderson
Victor J. Banis
Jeanne Barrack
Laura Baumbach
Alex Beecroft
Sarah Black
Ally Blue
J.P. Bowie
Michael Breyette
P.A. Brown
Brenda Bryce
Jade Buchanan
James Buchanan
Charlie Cochrane
Jamie Craig
Kirby Crow
Dick D.
Ethan Day
Jason Edding
Angela Fiddler
Dakota Flint
S.J. Frost
Kimberly Gardner
Roland Graeme
Storm Grant
Amber Green
LB Gregg
Wayne Gunn
David Juhren
Samantha Kane
Kiernan Kelly
J.L. Langley
Josh Lanyon
Clare London
William Maltese
Gary Martine
Z.A. Maxfield
Patric Michael
AKM Miles
Reiko Morgan
Jet Mykles
William Neale
Willa Okati
L. Picaro
Neil Plakcy
Jordan Castillo Price
Luisa Prieto
Rick R. Reed
A.M. Riley
George Seaton
Jardonn Smith
Caro Soles
JoAnne Soper-Cook
Richard Stevenson
Clare Thompson
Marhsall Thornton
Lex Valentine
Haley Walsh
Stevie Woods
Check out titles, both available and forthcoming, at www.mlrpress.com
THE TREVOR PROJECT
The Trevor Project operates the only nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth. Every day, The Trevor Project saves lives though its free and confidential helpline, its website and its educational services. If you or a friend are feeling lost or alone call The Trevor Helpline. If you or a friend are feeling lost, alone, confused or in crisis, please call The Trevor Helpline. You’ll be able to speak confidentially with a trained counselor 24/7.
The Trevor Helpline: 866-488-7386
On the Web: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
THE GAY MEN’S DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PROJECT
Founded in 1994, The Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project is a grassroots, non-profit organization founded by a gay male survivor of domestic violence and developed through the strength, contributions and participation of the community. The Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project supports victims and survivors through education, advocacy and direct services. Understanding that the serious public health issue of domestic violence is not gender specific, we serve men in relationships with men, regardless of how they identify, and stand ready to assist them in navigating through abusive relationships.
GMDVP Helpline: 800.832.1901
On the Web: http://gmdvp.org/
THE GAY & LESBIAN ALLIANCE AGAINST DEFAMATION/GLAAD EN ESPAÑOL
The Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) is dedicated to promoting and ensuring fair, accurate and inclusive representation of people and events in the media as a means of eliminating homophobia and discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation.
On the Web: http://www.glaad.org/
GLAAD en español: http://www.glaad.org/espanol/bienvenido.php
SERVICEMEMBERS LEGAL DEFENSE NETWORK
Servicemembers Legal Defense Network is a nonpartisan, nonprofit, legal services, watchdog and policy organization dedicated to ending discrimination against and harassment of military personnel affected by "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT).The SLDN provides free, confidential legal services to all those impacted by DADT and related discrimination. Since 1993, its inhouse legal team has responded to more than 9,000 requests for assistance. In Congress, it leads the fight to repeal DADT and replace it with a law that ensures equal treatment for every servicemember, regardless of sexual orientation. In the courts, it works to challenge the constitutionality of DADT.
SLDN Call: (202) 328-3244
PO Box 65301 or (202) 328-FAIR
Washington DC 20035-5301 e-mail: [email protected]
On the Web: http://sldn.org/
THE GLBT NATIONAL HELP CENTER
The GLBT National Help Center is a nonprofit, tax-exempt organization that is dedicated to meeting the needs of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community and those questioning their sexual orientation and gender identity. It is an outgrowth of the Gay & Lesbian National Hotline, which began in 1996 and now is a primary program of The GLBT National Help Center. It offers several different programs including two national hotlines that help members of the GLBT community talk about the important issues that they are facing in their lives. It helps end the isolation that many people feel, by providing a safe environment on the phone or via the internet to discuss issues that people can’t talk about anywhere else. The GLBT National Help Center also helps other organizations build the infrastructure they need to provide strong support to our community at the local level.
National Hotline: 1-888-THE-GLNH (1-888-843-4564)
National Youth Talkline 1-800-246-PRIDE (1-800-246-7743)
On the Web: http://www.glnh.org/
e-mail: [email protected]
If you’re a GLBT and questioning student heading off to university, should know that there are resources on campus for you. Here’s just a sample:
US LOCAL GLBT COLLEGE CAMPUS ORGANIZATIONS
http://dv-8.com/resources/us/local/campus.html
GLBT Scholarship Resources http://tinyurl.com/6fx9v6
Syracuse University http://lgbt.syr.edu/
Texas A&M http://glbt.tamu.edu/
Tulane University http://www.oma.tulane.edu/LGBT/Default.htm
University of Alaska http://www.uaf.edu/agla/
University of California, Davis http://lgbtrc.ucdavis.edu/
University of California, San Francisco http://lgbt.ucsf.edu/
University of Colorado http://www.colorado.edu/glbtrc/
University of Florida http://www.dso.ufl.edu/multicultural/lgbt/
University of Hawaiÿi, Mānoa http://manoa.hawaii.edu/lgbt/
University of Utah http://www.sa.utah.edu/lgbt/
University of Virginia http://www.virginia.edu/deanofstudents/lgbt/
Vanderbilt University http://www.vanderbilt.edu/lgbtqi/
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