by Geoff Rodkey
CLAUDIA
Akash is not only my friend Parvati’s older brother, but he’s also on Student Government with me. He’s the eighth grade class treasurer, and we worked together last year to get Culvert to do a fund-raiser for flood victims in Indonesia. Ever since then, we’ve been political allies. We’re basically as close as a sixth and eighth grader of the opposite sex can be without dating each other.
PARVATI
Ohmygosh, I thought you WERE starting to date for a minute there. That one day after school, you were, like, sitting in the cafeteria together for HOURS.
CLAUDIA
It was a very complicated negotiation. First, I had to convince Akash to help me. He was a little uncomfortable with the idea of abusing his power.
AKASH
I’m a fair god. I don’t like to mess with people just because I can. I mean, if one of the Planet Amigo regulars asked me to help him cheat, there’s no way I’d do it.
CLAUDIA
Fortunately for me, though, Akash had seen “The Vest Song” on ClickChat.
AKASH
Posting that was way harsh. I could see how you’d want to kick somebody’s butt over it. Also, even though I think your brother’s pretty cool, I really hate that Xander kid. He’s a punk. So I decided it was okay to help you, as long as you were just messing with those two.
CLAUDIA
What I really wanted was to kill all of Reese’s and Xander’s soldiers, burn down their castles, and make them respawn in the middle of nowhere with no goldz. But Akash wouldn’t go for it.
AKASH
It was just way too cruel. I mean, when I looked at how big Reese and Xander’s castles had gotten, I was pretty shocked. They must have spent, like, hundreds of hours of their lives on deathmatches to earn enough goldz to build those things.
CLAUDIA
Exactly. So it would have been a very important lesson in why you SHOULDN’T waste your life playing deathmatches.
AKASH
That’s a parenting thing. It’s not my job to punish a kid for wasting his life.
Like I said, I’m a fair god.
But I was willing to let you mess with them in the deathmatches. As long as you weren’t too obvious about it.
CLAUDIA
So I asked Akash to give me some kind of shield that’d make me impossible to kill. And lasers to shoot out of my eyes.
He wouldn’t go for either one of those.
AKASH
The thing is, if I made you impossible to kill, every kid in the deathmatch would see it and message-bomb me with complaints.
Plus, lasers in the eyes would have taken me, like, a hundred hours of coding to create. And no offense—I mean, I like you, but I don’t “hundred hours of coding” like you.
CLAUDIA
I totally got that. And I didn’t want to cause you any trouble. I just wanted to anonymously murder Reese and Xander a couple of hundred times.
AKASH
Basically, you wanted to be invisible.
CLAUDIA
Exactly. And when you suggested that, it made total sense.
AKASH
Invisibility was easy. I didn’t even have to code it myself. I found a mod online and installed it in, like, five minutes.
But then I had to spend a couple hours teaching you how to kill people in deathmatches. Even when you were invisible, you were pretty hopeless.
CLAUDIA
I know. I basically suck at video games. Thank you for being so patient! And for making me invisible. I REALLY appreciate it. Seriously, you are a god.
AKASH
Yes, I am. And you’re welcome.
CHAPTER 12
THE TERRIBLE VENGEANCE OF INVISIBLE DEATH
CLAUDIA
Once Akash set me up with invisibility and taught me some basic killing skills, I deleted StealthViper999—who, I had to admit, was neither stealthy nor viper-like—and created a new avatar, who I called InvisibleDeath.
For obvious reasons.
At this point, it was Friday afternoon, and most weekends, Reese spends every waking minute (when he’s not at a soccer game) on MetaWorld. So I was all amped up to get my revenge ASAP.
But that particular Friday, Reese got a 57 on his math test. Even by my brother’s incredibly low standards, it was such a bad grade that Ms. Santiago made him take the test home to get it signed by a parent.
REESE
I don’t know what the big deal was. A 57’s still “Very Good.”
CLAUDIA
I should explain about the Culvert Prep grading system. A few years ago, a bunch of parents complained that letter grades were hurting their kids’ self-esteem. So now, instead of A, B, C, D, and F, our grading scale is “Amazing,” “Spectacular,” “Excellent,” “Very Good,” and “Okay.”
Which is totally stupid. Because nothing changed except the names, so if you get a “Very Good” on your report card, your parents have to come in for a special conference with your teacher. And if you get more than one “Okay,” they basically tell you to start looking for another school.
Also, I know which parents did the complaining—and I don’t want to be catty or name names, but I can tell you the one thing their kids ABSOLUTELY DO NOT NEED is more self-esteem.
Anyway, when Reese brought home his 57 that Friday, Mom and Dad reacted in their usual way, which was to take away all his electronics for a week. Ordinarily, I would have applauded their decision. But in this case, it was a real problem. Not only did it mean I’d have to wait an entire week to get my revenge, but when Reese loses his electronics, he mopes around the house all day and won’t stop begging me to play Jenga with him.
Which is particularly annoying, because I am terrible at Jenga.
By Sunday afternoon, I was losing my mind. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. Mom had just left for the airport and yet another business trip, so I went to work on Dad.
Not to brag or anything, but I can be very persuasive. Within five minutes, he was texting Mom:
MOM AND DAD (text messages)
(DAD) Claudia says we were too hard on
Reese re math test. Bunch of kids
complained it was unfair and got
worse grades than usual
(MOM) Did Reese pay her to say that?
Don’t think so. He is in bedroom
playing Jenga by himself. Should I
give him electronics back?
Think we need to stick to our guns.
Article in NYT said consistency v
important in punishing kids
Not sure. Feel like we should let him
have laptop at least
You just don’t want to play Jenga
Claudia very impassioned about this.
Actually kind of touching to see her
stick up for brother
Ed. Note: felt a little guilty about this
Nice to see she has finally forgiven
him… OK. Give him laptop. But first go
over math test answers with him
CLAUDIA
Unfortunately, the “go over math test answers” situation turned into a complete nightmare for both Reese and Dad (who is not great at being patient with Reese about his homework), so Reese didn’t get his laptop back until it was too late for him to go on MetaWorld that night.
And after Dad told him at dinner that I was the one who’d gotten his punishment reduced, Reese was so slobberingly Ed. Note: not a word (but can’t find real one that fits) thankful that I thought he might actually try to hug me. All through Monday, he kept being so nice to me that—even though the “Vest Song” nightmare was STILL giving me a stomachache every time I thought about it—I actually started to wonder how much I still wanted revenge.
But then in gym class that afternoon, I played volleyball against a team with Xander on it. Right when I was about to serve (which was traumatic enough, because I am even worse at volleyball than I am at Jenga), Xander started singing, “THAT CUTE LEATHER VEST�
�”
A bunch of kids laughed, and I turned bright red and totally whiffed the serve. That pretty much took care of my second thoughts. From then on, my one regret was that I’d only get to stab Xander in MetaWorld and not in real life.
It was almost nine o’clock that night before Reese finally finished his homework and logged on to MetaWorld. At that point, my InvisibleDeath avatar had been invisibly hanging out in Planet Amigo’s main square for half an hour, waiting for Reese and Xander to show up and join a deathmatch.
When they finally did, I got excited and scared at the same time—because even though I’d had plenty of practice with Akash, I was still worried I might mess something up.
But it turned out to be easy. I followed them right into a deathmatch, and after it started, all I had to do was run over and stab them a bunch of times.
They both went nuts. It was so hilarious that I saved the screenshots:
METAWORLD CHAT LOG
[Editor’s note: Reese is “Skronkmonster,” and Xander is “XIzKillinIt.”]
16 players in DESERT1 Deathmatch on
Planet Amigo.
DESERT1 Deathmatch beginning in 5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
InvisibleDeath killed Skronkmonster.
<
Zipthunk killed Badabling.
<
<
InvisibleDeath killed XIzKillinIt.
<
<
<
<
<
<
TheMightyFinn killed Blastroy.
<
<
Zipthunk killed Trixter.
<
<
<
<
CLAUDIA
I have to admit my first kill was extremely satisfying. Not only were Reese and Xander freaking out in the chat, but I could hear Reese next door in his bedroom, yelling “WHAAAT?” and “NO WAY!” at his laptop.
The taste of blood made me thirsty for more, so when Reese and Xander logged out to respawn, I went back to Amigo Central and waited for them to reappear and sign up for another deathmatch. When they did, I followed them again:
METAWORLD CHAT LOG
16 players in MURDERTOWN Deathmatch on Planet Amigo.
MURDERTOWN Deathmatch beginning in 5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
InvisibleDeath killed Skronkmonster.
InvisibleDeath killed XIzKillinIt.
<
<
<
CLAUDIA
This went on for a while:
METAWORLD CHAT LOGS
16 players in JUNGLE2 Deathmatch on Planet Amigo.
JUNGLE2 Deathmatch beginning in 5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
InvisibleDeath killed XIzKillinIt.
InvisibleDeath killed Skronkmonster.
<
<
<
16 players in DARKFOREST Deathmatch on Planet Amigo.
DARKFOREST Deathmatch beginning in 5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
InvisibleDeath killed XIzKillinIt.
InvisibleDeath killed Skronkmonster.
<
Pls leave us alone>>
<
But no.>>
16 players in DESERT1 Deathmatch on Planet Amigo.
DESERT1 Deathmatch beginning in 5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
InvisibleDeath killed Skronkmonster.
InvisibleDeath killed XIzKillinIt.
<
<
CLAUDIA
Eventually, they gave up:
METAWORLD CHAT LOGS
16 players in JUNGLE1 Deathmatch on Planet Amigo.
JUNGLE1 Deathmatch beginning in 5…
4…
3…
2…
1…
InvisibleDeath killed XIzKillinIt.
InvisibleDeath killed Skronkmonster.
<
<
CLAUDIA
As far as The War went, this was a major victory. Basically, I had driven my enemies from the battlefield in despair. So you’d think I would’ve been thrilled.
And at the beginning, I definitely was. But every time I killed them, it got a little less fun. It was kind of like eating ten bowls of ice cream. After a while, it still tastes good, but you’re like, “Ugh. Why am I still eating?”
Which was frustrating. All I wanted was some satisfying revenge for the “Vest Song” nightmare. But after I logged off, I didn’t feel satisfied. I just felt sort of blech. Ed. Note: not technically a word (but it should be)
So I decided to go next door and check on Reese in person, because I thought maybe if he seemed like he was in horrible anguish, I’d be able to enjoy the moment a little more.
And that’s when the whole InvisibleDeath thing started to get weird.
CHAPTER 13
ATTACK OF THE WHINERS
CLAUDIA
When I got to Reese’s room, he was hunched over his laptop, banging out a ClickChat message while he yelled at Xander on FaceTime.
I said, “Hey, Reese—what’s up?”
And he said something like, “CAN’TTALKPLANETAMIGOMAJORCRISIS!”
I started to say, “Is there anything I can do to help?” But before I could get more than a couple of words out, he went:
“FINNISHHACKERSCAN’TTALKVERYSERIOUSWUAAAAAGH!”
So I decided to back off and watch the situation unfold from a distance.
REESE
Xander and I were mad angry. It’s totally illegal to be invisible in a deathmatch! Planet Amigo doesn’t even HAVE invisibility!
We figured “InvisibleDeath” must be some kind of hacker, and we should alert Akash ASAP. He’s got a ClickChat account for his admin stuff called “AmigoGod,” so we went there to let him know what was up.
CLICKCHAT COMMENTS ON PUBLIC WALL OF “AMIGOGOD”
SKRONKMONSTER AKASH WE HAVE SIRIUS GRIEFER PROBLEM
XIzKillinIt U NEED 2 BAN “INVISIBLEDEATH”
AmigoGod For what?
XIzKillinIt FOR BEING INVISIBLE
SKRONKMONSTER HE IS GRIEFING US IN DETHMATCHS. COULD BE MAJUR AMIGO SECURATY PROBLEM Ed. Note: also MAJUR REESE SPELLING PRUBLUM
AmigoGod Can u please turn off capslock? No need to yell
SKRONKMONSTER Sorry
XIzKillinIt u need 2 ban him now!!!!!!!
SKRONKMONSTER also make sure Invisbledeth hasnt hacked ur whole planet
AmigoGod Who is “invisibledeath?”
SKRONKMONSTER No idea. Think he must b Finnish. When we go on dethmatchs, he kills us right away
&nb
sp; AmigoGod Maybe he is just very good at deathmatches
XIzKillinIt hes INVISIBLE!!!!! its illegal!!!!
AmigoGod I will check it out this weekend
XIzKillinIt y not now????
AmigoGod God works in mysterious ways. And has a history test tomorrow
REESE
Xander and I were pretty shocked that Akash didn’t totally freak out about InvisibleDeath. It seemed like a serious situation. And when we told everybody about it the next day at school, it turned out a ton of other kids were getting griefed by him on Planet Amigo.
CLAUDIA
This is where it gets crazy. Because all I did as InvisibleDeath was go on that one night and kill Xander and Reese a bunch of times.
That was IT.
But suddenly, InvisibleDeath turned into this weird boogeyman who got blamed for everything bad that had ever happened to anybody in the history of the Internet.
AKASH
I should have told them I’d banned InvisibleDeath right away. But I had a ton of stuff going on that week, so I didn’t want to deal. And when I ignored them, they turned the whole sixth grade into an angry mob.
