Apart from all that, have been to the beach for the weekend, which was fantastic. After a 7-hour journey on a bus where we watched Terminator II in Spanish, we arrived and swam in the sea, had high-speed rickshaw races against each other to include high-speed rickshaw crashes, got stung by a Portuguese man-of-war while skinny-dipping in the sea at night (it might not have been a Portuguese man-of-war due to continued existence, but I didn’t know that at the time, and you have never seen anyone get out of the sea quicker).
Sometimes the sea can be more welcoming than you might expect. This is from Australia.
The shark dive was quality, but we had to wait around for ages before they turned up. We waited for a couple of hours on a boat in a scene which couldn’t have been more Jaws-like. It was a very nice day but also misty, and when we were on the boat the mist descended all around as the captain threw large bits of fish into the water. Well we waited around and eventually 2 littlish blue sharks turned up. They were about 6 and 8 feet long, but not really very vicious-looking. Then a 10/12 foot (at a guess) mako shark turned up, and though not a Great White was definitely more Jaws-looking, especially when the captain was pulling the fish away from it and it came out of the water. The water was freezing. The cage was bouncing around in the water and you had to be careful not to put your hand through the cage when you were holding on, it was fantastic!
All parents know that their young sons approach everything, whether bike riding or washing up, with careless nonchalance. So it must be a relief to know they are actually aware that it is inadvisable to put your fingers near to a shark’s mouth.
When it comes to man-eating fish, gappers are often, to be frank, entirely bonkers. This young woman went to the Amazon.
The next morning we were awoken at 5.30 for more jungle walking, during which Victor made sure we were all acquainted with the tree whose roots look like a thousand penises, not quite touching the ground, before spying more flora and fauna from the lookout tower, and from the canoe down below it. That afternoon was spent fruitlessly piranha-fishing from the canoe, before Victor insisted that we all jump into the muddy brown water – apparently it didn’t matter that we’d just been tempting man-eating fish with pieces of meat, and the water was ‘perfectly safe apart from the fish that swim up your rectum …’ However, having survived swimming in the Amazon, we were able to enjoy another amazing sunset fishing from the banks this time. Unfortunately we forgot a torch so Will and I were almost snapped by a caiman (3–5-metre-long member of the crocodile family) whilst trying to get back to the shore once it had got dark …
This young man and his friend go caving in China. That too may have been a mistake.
I soon found myself on my belly, pushing and pulling my belly across the ground, deeper into what I thought was the final cavern, where the treasure of an underground waterfall was. Happy and exhausted, I took a picture of Hans swimming in this mini-interior waterfall, thinking the adventure was over. Never think anything. All of a sudden our guide points past, over the waterfall, and climbs up over the fall into the darkness. And so we followed, but what became quickly apparent was we were not alone. I am not talking about the fish beneath our feet, or the worms in the rocks, I am talking about bats. Hans had rushed ahead, we quickly shouted ‘Wow, bats!’ As soon as he said this, the bats shot past the corner into our faces. What followed was bats swarming around our heads trying to keep out of the torch’s light. It did cross my mind in a panic, shit, should have had that rabies jab, but after a while I became accustomed to the nippy flying rodents. Anyway, I didn’t get bitten, so I won’t be in search of virgin’s blood or foaming at the mouth, biting my own hand.
Africa, of course, has quite a selection of unwanted beasts:
After I left the internet place we went to do a shop in the supermarket and we walked in to find that a man was putting up a sign (well, that’s what we thought). He was actually holding down a rat with the sign and another guy was hitting it with a broom to try and kill it, lovely!!!! … had a freak-out on Wednesday as saw a tarantula in the house, huge bloody thing so hairy and gross, so typically it would be a day for creepy-crawlies, 2 more spiders on the walls, and then centipede things!!!
This is from Panama.
I meticulously arrange my mozzie net in the mornings and evenings, wrapping it across and under the sponge mattress, so you can imagine my horrific surprise to discover a very dangerous scorpion hanging from the roof of the net. I called him Paul Daniels, and he met with the sharp side of a colleague’s machete. Would have been a trip to hospital.
Mind you, some people visiting Africa hope and expect to encounter wildlife. This young man is spending time in Kenya.
We have been doing a lot of camping and I am getting pretty expert. We go to one of the bomas and set up camp inside their walls to protect us from wild beasts and such (a boma is a small collection of huts). Sometimes it is so difficult – we arrive at the poorer bomas and are surrounded by snotty kids covered in flies, they think they are lucky because they are associated with livestock, their favourite things, and don’t understand all our stuff about ‘they carry diseases’, and emaciated dogs all covered in sores, and you just know that the ground is covered in animal and small child waste (no Pampers here) and human spit, and I don’t want to touch anything, but mostly it’s great …
We have had lots of exciting snake incidents. Went with Julian to a nearby airfield to drop some bracelets and on the way back we saw a huge spitting cobra, it was crossing the road in front of us, we both saw it, leaned forward for a better look, realized what it was, leaned back, checked our sunglasses were on firmly, but luckily it shot off and didn’t spit! Also moved my bag on Monday and found a snake under it, just a baby, but it lunged at me, and I got someone to get rid of it (they claimed it was a black mamba, but as the Masai hate snakes and claim every one is a deadly killer, you have to take that with a pinch of salt!).
The other really exciting animal encounter was, I saw my first leopard! We were driving back from dropping off another volunteer at the airfield, and went along a river because they knew I really wanted to see a leopard and there are lots of trees there and it’s the most likely spot, and we looked and looked until I fell asleep, and Jenny suddenly grabbed me and I woke up to see a leopard crossing in front of us. We interrupted it hunting, so it then went and sulked under a tree and we got a really good look.
Snakes? You haven’t seen snakes if you haven’t been to South America. This young woman was on safari in Venezuela.
I should mention that during one of our safaris I nearly needed a change of underwear when we stumbled across a 3.5 metre ana-fucking-conda. Are you understanding that? 3.5 metres. Our guide, a local called Papas, who in my opinion should have his own show, casually poked it with a stick and did some ‘I am clearly not 100% sane’ moves to catch it. Then he offered us ‘goes’ at holding it. It took about 5 adults to hold it, and I have photos to prove my claims.
Things are not helped when your travelling companions are in league with the more alarming fauna. This is from a young Scottish woman in Burma. She, like many gappers, seems to be under the impression that an exclamation mark is a useful vowel.
We’re in a place called Batu Patay (or however it’s spelled) which is a tiny village next to a big river. In hammocks under tarps, there are bugs everywhere! And they’re huge!!!!! But am having a really good time. All the people are wicked! And there is a store in the village and a volleyball court, so fun messing around with locals. Guy beside me just farted. Eeeewww!!!! Anyway, I’ve seen a ton of monkeys and I saw a croc the other day!!! Bit disconcerting as they live in the river that we are beside!!!!! Today we visited an orang-utan sanctuary which made me think of Becky!!!! Just joking!!! Saw lots of freaky monkeys too!!!!
The same lass goes for a walk through the jungle.
Just been trekking for 12 days, but group underestimated food rations rather badly as we couldn’t be bothered to carry them, so pretty much was starving after 12 day
s of plain porridge and plain crackers and plain rice for dinner, eeewww, anyhow last night we went out for dinner and three of us ate so much they threw up, and no one could move after dinner, very amusing!!! Now off to go diving for a week on desert island!!! Wahooooooo, where there is café so no more shit shit shit food!!! Mozzies not so bad trekking, but fuck me there are some big ass bugs here. Got one crazy Malaysian guy in my group who finds it really funny to chase me with the bugs he catches!
It is quite awe-inspiring to learn how brave some of our gappers are. They march into jungles with the same casual ease with which at home they might enter a branch of Top Shop. This email is from Ecuador, which may offer more strange experiences per square mile than any other gap-year destination.
Spiders the size of your hand, cockroaches, weird insects, mice, crocodiles, pink dolphins (yes, that’s right!), monkeys, racoons, butterflies, sloths, anacondas, parrots, macaws, piranhas … all these things were in the jungle and so were we! Didn’t see everything, we were very gutted that we didn’t see any jaguars, but maybe that’s a good thing. Also didn’t see the crocs, but we did see the anaconda, and yes it was scary, but not all that big, maybe three metres, but it was all curled up. I think it looked kind of cute!
We stayed in a kind of tree-house in the middle of the jungle. It was an eco-tour thingy, so everything was pretty basic, but I’m used to that now!!! It was facing the jungle and if there was anything out there I would have got a good view!!! It was kind of scary, though, I’ll admit. I wouldn’t want to be left there on my own. It is so noisy at night time … I forgot my earplugs and I could hear growling (which was the howler monkeys – apparently) and munching and scampering in our room. God knows what that was. The scariest thing we did was a night canoe trip, searching for caimans, the crocodiles they have there. I wasn’t really too keen on the idea of being in a very small boat in the dark, when if you go in the water you probably won’t come out again!!! We didn’t get to see any crocs because we ran out of fuel … that was a bit scratchy as it was very dark and very quiet and we were in the middle of the Amazon river.
Others are less lucky. This is from West Africa.
On Wednesday we went up to Wa in order to go to the hippo sanctuary, but as you do here, we ended up waiting five and a half hours in what the guidebook calls ‘the most fascinating town’. Er … I think he should get a life. We didn’t get to Wechiau, the village near the hippos, until after dark. Early morning sanctuary visit was as predicted. We saw lots of hippos. Albeit all were under water, but the ears are the best bit, I swear. So don’t trust these guidebook people who send you off on detours to crap places where there is nothing to do.
Here is another – possibly apocryphal – example of human beings teaming up with animals to scare innocent gap-year students.
The Chinese have a very wicked trick that they play on foreigners and even though every foreigner is told about the story they fall for it their first time, every time. I have been told the story, and apparently it is only a matter of time before I am lured into it. What happens is this: the Chinese have a method of frying a fish so that it is still alive, even though it looks dead on the plate. There is one particular dish in which the fish is covered in breadcrumbs but remains alive. Apparently when the dish is served discreetly to a foreigner, the foreigner jabs it with his chopsticks and the fish jumps two feet high off the plate!!!
Not all animals are dangerous, although they do seem to be malevolent. This is from a volunteer working in Peru.
The food is weird, the water is brown, and there are more bugs than plants (and that’s saying something). The rats scuttle around the rooms at night and eat any food left out. It is SO hot, more hot than you would ever think, and humid and sweaty and gross. I have my own little room which I lock to keep out the monkeys, who got into another girl’s room and broke her iPod and stole her malaria tablets. But it’s not as bad as it sounds!
A week later she is bringing her mother up to date.
My tummy is a little rumbly but completely controllable and I think it will be better in a few days’ time. I just have to finish adjusting to the water. Have you sent my bras yet? The monkeys have gone a step further. They wait until we’re all doing stuff and break the electricity to our rooms, so night comes and our lights won’t go on. It’s easily fixable but on a nightly basis it is rather trying! We are working on a plan to watch the main evil monkey and strand him on an island further upstream so he can’t come back …
The most surprising animals can turn out to be dangerous – especially in Australia.
We headed for Byron Bay, only a 2–3-hour drive apparently, it took us about 7. So we stopped in Coffs Harbour for a night as we were all tired and emotional, and Ivan the driver was starting to complain. So we stayed in a tiny campsite and I saw an animal [I didn’t recognize]. It was quite funny really because it jumped into a palm tree we were passing on the way to the bathroom, it gave us a bit of a shock and we weren’t sure what it was, so we looked up into the tree. Being the tallest, I reckoned I knew pretty well what it was. ‘It’s okay, it’s only a cat … with short arms. Yeah, a cat with short arms, no problem.’ Terri looked at me quizzically. ‘A what?!’ I looked confused, looked at her, and looked at an amused bystanding man. ‘What’s a cat with short arms in this country, then?’ I asked him. ‘That? Oh, that’s a possum. Don’t look so frightened. They haven’t killed anyone for at least 2 or 3 years.’ I had to sit in the bathroom for 20 minutes until I was sure it had gone.
Better to Travel Hopefully
You see your child off at the airport, with a niggling voice at the back of your head asking insistently whether this might be the last time you set eyes on them. But at least they are going to spend the next few hours in the relative comfort of an aeroplane. Cramped it may be, and the food indifferent, but compared to what they are about to face it might as well be an upper-deck stateroom on the old Queen Elizabeth. There are no carry-on chickens or dead fish on the row in front. You will not have to share your seat with another passenger. The chances of bandits holding up the plane and robbing everyone on board are minimal. However, a terrible reality waits for them at the other end.
The most common form of transport for gappers visiting the Third World is, of course, the bus. These are rarely luxury coaches with TVs and toilets, nor do they even offer the comforts of the number 12 bendy bus to Peckham. But, as in this email from India, they can be a lot more exciting.
A four-hour drive from Jabalpur, in turn a 17-hour train journey from Delhi, the drive across mud tracks, women carrying massive baskets on their heads etc. It was a hectic drive, visibility was 5 metres and the giant trucks do not use lights going at 50 mph, we saw two crashes, and then our driver hit some man at 30 mph, full on, seriously scary, the windscreen was smashed but the driver just drove on. It is so backward here!!!! Luckily he ‘only’ fractured his leg and his head was bleeding, not great when the hospital is a mud hut. On more lovely things, neither of us have had the Delhi belly despite the most ludicrously spicy chicken/rat curry on the train and other delights.
Nor do schedules count for very much. This is from Laos.
Pretty much everything here is made of bamboo or teak, with the exception of the roads which are generally made of much less durable substances, like mud. Nothing happens quickly here, and so transport timetables do not exist. Invariably one goes to the sort of ‘bus’ station where you wait until there are enough people going somewhere to fill up the truck. This may take hours. It is necessary that the back of the truck is implausibly overcrowded before departure, thus creating a suitably Communist sense of camaraderie and mutual discomfort.
Our ride today provided extra amusement when two ladies climbed on with a veritable menagerie of beasts. Besides the unremarkable selection of chickens and ducks they also had a couple of beaver-like animals that may or may not be called ‘bamboo rats’. One was alive-ish but looking a bit off colour, the other unarguably dead. One of them pulled out a squirrel
from a bag, and it was here that the dramatic tension lay, for the squirrel was in an ambiguous state. Occasionally the lady would hold her squirrel out of the window for a while to afford it a little air, and this she would follow with a little gentle heart massage. At this point the little fella would open his eyes and waggle his feet before lapsing back into a coma again. The woman then looked over at me with a knowing shake of the head which said ‘I did my best, but death comes to us all’, and bunged the squirrel back in the basket, sealing its fate by plonking a large dead bamboo rat on top. Thus enlightened, we continued to Luang Prabang where we are now.
You can learn much about a country from its bus services. This is from central Africa. Like some gap-year emails it is cunningly designed first to worry the receiving ’rents and then reassure them.
It did take us 6 hours to get there, and we didn’t hitchhike, daddy, we used the minibuses!! Bloody nightmare, though, it takes forever to get anywhere in this country!! Had some interesting experiences on the way. In our bus there were about 50 people (and we’re not talking a big bus either) and then a guy at the side of the road flagged down the bus and was holding a 3-foot catfish, dead but absolutely stank!! Oh yes, he decided to get on so we all had the company of a bloody huge fish for about an hour. These journeys just seem to get better and better!!!!
Anxious parent thinks, ‘Oh, so that’s all right, if a smelly fish is the worst she has to put up with ...’
This is from Honduras.
Well, the other day we left Utila. Travelled all day to the capital of Honduras, which was actually way better than everyone made it out to be (as in, you walk down the streets and get SHOT). So yesterday we left for the journey from hell. First a lovely three and a half hour journey with very uncomfy seats and music so loud you could hardly hear yourself think. Then a minibus to the Nicaraguan border. We got out of the bus to be surrounded by men trying to get you into their little bicycle cab thingy, poking you, shouting. However, their work was in vain seeing as the guy couldn’t open the boot to get our bags out. We waited for almost an hour in the blazing heat while tons of men tried desperately to open the boot. They finally concluded it was hopeless so they loaded the bus with people and us, ready to take us back to where we had come from (a tiny little scummy town where I would rather eat a tampon than sleep).
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