by Karen Kirst
Evan moved to the door, his hand on the handle. “Speaking of that, the first thing I’m going to do when I get to town is send that telegram to Gatlinburg. Your family will finally get the news they’ve been waiting for.”
Her smile widened and her expression was one of true happiness. “They will be so relieved.”
Eager to get ready and be on his way, he hooked a thumb over his shoulder. “Well, I’d better get a move on if I’m going to get everything done before lunch.”
“Go.” She shooed him out. “Do whatever you have to do.”
“Remember what I said,” he reminded her an hour later from his perch on the wagon seat.
“Yes, of course.” She stood on the front porch, one hand shading her eyes from the bright sun. “Be careful.”
Evan stared down at her, wondering if it had been a mistake to bring her here. Forever stored in his memory would be Juliana in his home—standing on his porch, sitting on his sofa, eating at his table. He wouldn’t have to imagine her presence here, which meant her absence would be all the more noticeable.
Not for the first time, his thoughts returned to their conversation of the evening before when she’d rejected his offer of a marriage based on friendship. He knew that he was fast approaching the point of offering her his heart merely to keep her near. When he was with Juliana, the grief and loneliness faded away and he felt content to simply be in her presence.
The truth was that Evan didn’t want to be alone anymore. Why not share his life with her? Everyone would expect them to marry anyway for propriety’s sake. If they married, he would have a companion and her reputation would be protected. Problem solved.
Now all he had to do was convince Juliana.
He tipped his hat. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
Chapter Eighteen
Juliana watched his wagon disappear around the curve before going back inside. As she walked past the fireplace, her glance fell on a small daguerreotype lying flat on the mantel. Picking it up with the tips of her fingers, she stared at the image of a handsome couple and two teenage boys. She recognized the taller boy right away. If her guess was correct, Evan looked to be around the age of fourteen or fifteen. Although thinner, his features less defined, he was handsome even then.
Next to him stood his younger brother, James.
After studying the image, Juliana decided that both boys took after their father in height and coloring, but their noses and mouths resembled their mother’s. She placed it back upon the mantel, propping it up against the wall.
Juliana wondered what it would feel like to be the last one left of her entire family. To have nothing left but bittersweet memories. The mere idea made her unbearably sad.
Moving past the mantel, she retrieved her bonnet from the bedroom and walked back outside into the golden sunshine. The air was heavy with moisture, the sun’s rays already uncomfortably hot.
Turning in the direction of the barn, she passed beneath the branches of several apple trees, inhaling the pleasant scent of apple blossoms. The shade was pleasant. Beyond the trees, she encountered a chicken coop and a small shed that she didn’t explore.
Inside the darkened interior of the barn, she made friends with a calico cat and a sweet gray mare who appeared to be the sole occupants. Everything was neat and tidy—not unlike Evan himself—until she stumbled upon the tool area he’d mentioned before, the place where he liked to invent things. In the far corner of the barn stood a rough wooden table piled high with tools and gadgets of all shapes and sizes. She didn’t dare touch a thing lest the whole pile tumble to the dirt floor. If there was enough time, perhaps he would agree to give her a demonstration of one of his devices.
The moment she stepped outside, a warning bell went off inside her head. Something was different. Wrong. The cheerful day had taken on a menacing edge.
Her wide eyes cast about for a clue as to what had sparked her alarm and came up empty. Nothing was out of place. No wild animals. No revenge-seeking outlaws.
Then, a flash of color in the woods. Adrenaline surged through her veins, and she automatically reached for her gun. When her fingers found the empty holster, her heart sank. A lot of good it would do her back in the cabin!
Crouching down, she used the barn door as a shield. Her stomach clenched into a hard knot. She scanned the woods again. Nothing.
She stayed in that position until her legs ached with fatigue. Maybe she’d imagined the whole thing.
Another fifteen minutes dragged by. Finally, she bolted for the cabin. Slamming the door closed and sliding the lock in place, she rested against it trying to catch her breath.
Her gun. She needed her gun. Now.
She found it where she’d left it, checked the chamber and placed it in her holster.
Filled with unease, she peered out the window for what seemed like an hour. When Evan’s hired help strode into view, she gasped. Unaware that he was being watched, he strolled casually toward the animal pens.
Irritated with herself, she dropped the curtain. Silly, Juliana. That’s what you are.
She decided then and there not to tell Evan. She wouldn’t bother him with what was probably a result of her overactive imagination. He had enough worries. No need adding to them.
He would be leaving in the morning, and she would stay here. Alone.
The more she thought about it, the less she wanted to be left behind. Although she knew he wasn’t likely to agree, she would at least try to change his mind.
“I need to talk—”
“There’s something I want—”
Speaking at the same time, they both stopped and smiled.
“You first.” Evan gestured from his spot on the blanket. They had polished off a delicious lunch of crispy fried chicken, boiled new potatoes, coleslaw and yeast rolls. There were two slices of peach pie, but dessert would have to wait. They were stuffed.
Juliana sat with her legs curled to the side, her pale skirt billowing around her. She watched the river water meander past, the grayish-brown stones glistening in the sun.
“I want to go with you tomorrow.” There, she’d said it.
His brow wrinkled in confusion. “We agreed this was the safest place for you. I know you’re eager to see your family, but you won’t have to wait long. Alone, I can ride hard and fast and be there in two days. I’ll be back for you in no time.”
“Don’t leave me behind. If I rode one of your other horses, I wouldn’t have any trouble keeping up with you. You won’t have to worry about me slowing you down, I promise.”
“What is it, Juliana?” He gave her a measuring look. “Does the thought of being here alone make you uneasy? If you want, I can arrange for you to stay in town with one of the families there. There will be questions, of course, but we can handle it, if we must.”
She thought back to her scare earlier in the day, but brushed it aside. “No, it’s not that. I feel safe enough, especially knowing your cousin is nearby. To be honest, I’m worried about your traveling alone.” A grasshopper landed on the sole of her boot, and she flicked it off with her finger. “What if you get sick again? Who would take care of you? Or what if something happened to Lucky? What then?” The idea of him stranded in the mountains, perhaps sick or hurt, worried her to no end.
His voice firm but kind, he said, “I appreciate your concern, but you’re borrowing trouble. I feel fine. My strength has returned, and I haven’t had a weak spell in two days. We’ll just have to trust the good Lord to keep me safe. Wasn’t it you who reminded me the other day that God is in control?”
His admonition shamed her. She knew better than to give in to worry. Rose’s words came back to her—what ifs opened the door to fear. Juliana needed to place Evan’s safety in God’s hands and trust in His protection.
Her head dipped. “You’re right, of course.”
With his finger beneath her chin, Evan lifted her face. “I’ll be fine, you know.”
A sigh escaped her lips. “With God’s h
elp, I’ll try not to worry while you’re gone.”
“Good girl.”
His affectionate smile eased her tension, making her want to reach over and hug him close. She wanted to feel his strong arms around her, sheltering her.
“Your turn,” she announced, shifting position to ease the stiffness in her legs. “What were you about to say before?”
Hooking a hand behind his neck, he hung his head. Whatever it was, he didn’t appear eager to discuss it. When she’d decided she couldn’t handle the suspense any longer, he lifted his head and looked her square in the eye.
“Look—I like you, Irish. I like being around you. I’m comfortable with you, and I think you feel the same way. This is hard to admit, but I-I’ll miss you when you’re not around. I think we make a good team, don’t you?”
He stared at her, waiting for her to answer. She couldn’t. It was as if her brain had suddenly stopped working. When she didn’t respond, he plunged on ahead, his words jumbling together in his haste. “You made it plain what you want in a marriage. What if I said I’m open to more than a friendship marriage? Maybe you thought I meant that I didn’t want children, but I do. You and I…well, there’s something between us. Call it what you want, but I’ve no doubt we’d be good together.”
Juliana sat there, dumbfounded. Was he talking about the marriage bed? A dozen butterflies danced in her stomach as her skin heated beneath his gaze. Evan apparently felt no embarrassment discussing such an intimate subject.
“Exactly what is your point, Evan?” she managed to get out.
“While I can’t offer you my heart, I can offer you a normal husband-and-wife relationship. With God’s blessing, of course, you’d be able to bear children and be a wife and mother and perhaps even someday a grandmother. What do you say?”
Juliana felt her cheeks burn with humiliation. With hurried movements, she began to stuff the food back into the basket. “I don’t think this is a subject I’d like to discuss.”
“I didn’t intend to offend you, Juliana. I apologize.”
She couldn’t look at him. “It’s too hot out here. I’m going in.”
He placed a staying hand on her forearm. “Please, stay. I promise not to bring it up again.”
“I can’t,” she murmured, pulling her arm from his grasp. Forgetting all about the food, she hurried back to the cabin. Mortified both by his words and by her reaction, Juliana fled to the bedroom and bolted the door.
Juliana dashed away the tears leaking from her eyes. So Evan liked her. He thought they made a great team.
With a soft moan, she sank down on the bed and buried her face in her hands.
So this is what misery feels like.
That day in the mercantile had turned her life topsy-turvy. It was as if that one event bisected her existence—pre-Evan, a time of stability and simple pleasures, and post-Evan, a time of unpredictability and upheaval. Her emotions were not in the least reliable anymore. Her heart had been ensnared by a man who didn’t return her love, and she feared that she was destined to mourn for him for the rest of her days.
A fresh wave of tears threatened and, sinking back down on the mattress, she curled into a ball on her side and fell into a troubled sleep.
Juliana awoke to the sounds of Evan knocking around in the kitchen. A glance at the window told her that she’d slept through the evening hours and all night. No doubt her mental anguish had played a part in that. She lay there staring up at the wooden beams, praying for enough strength to make it through the next hour or so until he left.
After yesterday’s conversation, she had mixed feelings about his leaving. A part of her was relieved he was going so she wouldn’t have to be constantly reminded of what she couldn’t have. The other part wanted to fall down at his knees and beg him to take her with him.
A knock on the door startled her out of her reflections.
“Juliana.” Evan’s voice was muffled. “Are you awake? Breakfast is ready.” A pause. “I’d like to see you before I leave.”
Exhaling, she sat up. “I’ll be out in a few minutes.”
“All right.” Was it her imagination, or was there relief in his voice?
From among his mother’s things, she chose to wear a buttercup-yellow dress with simple lines—a scooped neck, flowing sleeves, a fitted waist and a fluttering skirt. Using the same silver clip, she gathered the hair above her ears and clipped the mass in the back, allowing the rest of her hair to flow around her shoulders.
Stiffening her spine, she sailed with determination toward the dining area.
You can do this, she assured herself. There was no need for tears. Throughout the entire meal, she would remain calm. She could collapse into a worthless heap after he’d gone.
“Is there anything I can do?” There, her voice sounded almost normal.
When his bright blue eyes collided with hers, her lungs struggled to draw in air. The force of his gaze threatened to turn her knees to jelly, and she reached out for something to hold on to. Fortunately, she was standing behind the table and her hands encountered the chair back.
“Have a seat.” He indicated with a dip of his head. “Coffee’s hot, but I can make tea if you prefer.”
She slid out the chair and sank into it gratefully. “Coffee’s fine.”
He placed a steaming mug in front of her, along with a small jug of cream and a bowl of sugar. That he’d remembered touched her. As if reading her mind, he smiled knowingly. He placed a plate heaping with bacon, eggs, grits swimming in butter and two biscuits in front of her. She waited with her hands in her lap as he readied food for himself. When he sat down beside her, his clean scent wafted in her direction. She breathed it in without being too obvious about it.
“Juliana?”
Her eyes flew open, heat rushing to her cheeks. She hadn’t even realized her lids had drifted closed! “Yes?”
“I’m going to pray now,” he said, his open palm sliding toward hers.
She placed her hand on top of his and bowed her head. As he prayed, his thumb lazily grazed her skin, making the nerve endings along her arm tingle with awareness. At his amen, she snatched back her hand and, ignoring his questioning expression, began to eat without really tasting anything.
Neither one spoke. The silence was almost unbearable for her, not because she knew what to say but because she felt as if they should be taking advantage of this last time together instead of being awkward. When at last he set down his fork and leaned back in his chair, she followed suit even though there was still quite a bit of food left on her plate.
“You’re not hungry this morning?” he asked, concerned.
“Not really.”
“There’s food in the larder for sandwiches and soup. Do you know how to make soup?”
“I won’t starve, if that’s what you’re worried about.” She flipped her hair behind her shoulder, irritated at herself. He was worried about her having enough to eat because he knew she had no culinary skills.
“I didn’t mean to make you mad,” he began, his mouth pensive. “That applies to yesterday, too.”
No, she would not rehash that conversation, not in her present state. Standing abruptly, she began cleaning the table. He joined in the cleanup without a word, and in minutes the table was wiped clean.
Evan stood near the door. He cleared his throat. “Lucky’s outside. My bags are packed and loaded.” Lifting the curtain, he glanced out the window. “Dawn’s approaching. Guess it’s time to hit the trail.”
Juliana was so nervous her palms were sweating. Her emotions were in a jumble. She didn’t know what to say or do. So she said nothing.
Their gazes locked, they stared at each other from opposite sides of the room.
“Juliana,” he bit out, his voice strained, “aren’t you going to say anything?”
Swallowing past a lump, she managed, “Take care of yourself.”
“That’s it?”
“What else do you want me to say?” She splayed her hand
s wide.
A muscle jumped in his jaw. He shifted from one foot to the other, an expression of indecision on his handsome face. How she wished she could read his thoughts at that moment.
Especially when he flung his gloves on the table and strode across the room. Juliana was too shocked to move or speak. What was he doing?
He stopped directly before her, his body crowding her back against the cupboard. Not daring to meet his gaze, she allowed hers to roam over his neck and shoulders. The top two buttons of his shirt gaped open, revealing the smooth hollows of his throat and the rapid beat of his pulse.
With deliberate movements, he cupped her neck and eased her face up with slight pressure from his thumbs. As if in slow motion, he lowered his mouth inch by excruciating inch. Perhaps he was giving her a chance to protest. She couldn’t. She craved his kiss.
When at last his lips brushed against hers, a sigh of contentment escaped her. He eased back and his blue eyes, hazy with need, sought permission to continue. In answer, Juliana lifted her mouth, and he met hers once again in an unbearably tender kiss.
Overwhelmed by his need for her, Evan forced himself to go slow. Her lips clung to his in sweet innocence as he explored her generous mouth.
Holding her in his arms, Evan entertained thoughts of forever. The thought of leaving her weighed heavy on his heart. If he were completely honest with himself, he’d own up to the fact he didn’t want to ever let her go.
When he abandoned her lips to rain kisses along her jawline and the sensitive spot beneath her ear, her swift intake of breath stopped him in his tracks. Lifting his head, he gazed into her green eyes. That one look was all it took. With an abruptness that startled her, he set her away from him and strode across the room. If he didn’t put some space between them, he wasn’t sure what he might say or do.
“Goodbye, Juliana.”
Slamming the front door, he bounded off the porch and hurled himself into the saddle, burying his heel in Lucky’s flank.
