She was still different and, beyond her mixed feelings about considering forming a family unit, she was still afraid she would never truly fit in. Both Dante and Reese already knew she was different. How long before everyone else realized it, as well? And, once they had, even supposing they decided to allow her to live among them, they would know she was different and she would be able to feel them staring at her where ever she went and know she was being judged, hated for being different.
"We have a standing army. You needn't give that up if it's what you want. You would still be allowed to form a family unit."
Surprise flickered through Amaryllis briefly, but she wasn't particularly pleased by the information when she'd expected that to settle the matter. She decided to try a different tact.
"You would be more ... content with someone who has more interest in forming a family unit than I."
"One of my own kind, you mean?” he asked in a harsh whisper.
Touchy. She hadn't realized he would be so touchy about it. The anger in his voice unsettled her and riled her own anger. “I don't know why you think you want me anyway. You've hardly spoken to me in all the time we've worked together. Why the sudden interest?"
He was silent so long she'd decided he couldn't come up with a convincing lie.
"I was ... afraid."
The comment startled her. It also completely caught her attention. “Why?” she asked, genuinely confused.
He seemed to wrestle with himself for several moments. “Could we discuss this when we have no audience?"
He had a point. They didn't have any privacy, and yet she could hear the others who'd been confined talking. She couldn't think they had a great deal of interest in her conversation. Finally, she got up and moved to the front of the cell. “Why?” she demanded, pressing her face to the bars so that she could see him in the next cell.
He scrubbed a hand over his face. “It was forbidden."
Her lips flattened. “Sex was forbidden. We could've been friends."
"I do not want to be your friend,” he said harshly. “And I could not take a chance that I would be tempted to do something that would make them suspicious of me. It seemed ... safer to keep my distance."
Amaryllis frowned. “You were afraid you'd blow your cover? Or that they'd reprimand you with brig time so that you couldn't spy for the cyborgs?"
"I was afraid they would separate us so that I could not protect you,” he growled irritably. “And...."
Amaryllis didn't know whether to be insulted or flattered. She supposed she was a little of both. She'd assumed Reese had been so protective because he'd been under orders to watch her closely and she'd resented it.
It was still insulting that he'd considered her incapable of taking care of herself. “And?"
He sighed. “I was ... uncertain."
Amaryllis frowned. “Uncertain of what?"
He made a sound of impatience. “I was not programmed in the way to entice a female for the purpose of mating. I do not know how. I thought ... I had planned to have that programming added,” he finished uncomfortably.
Amaryllis bit her lip, torn between the urge to giggle and the desire to comfort. “You did ... very well with the sex,” she finally offered.
Instead of seeming pleased, he looked frustrated. “I could not have or you would have known that I was making love to you,” he said stiffly. “And you would not have allowed that ...hunter to touch you."
Chapter Fifteen
Guilt swamped Amaryllis. She resented feeling it. Nobody owned her. She wasn't bound by any oath, or any contract. She had a perfect right to enjoy sex, or flirtation, with anybody she wanted to.
She didn't want to hurt anyone, however, especially someone she cared for, and it sounded to her as if Reese was saying he was hurt by it.
Warmth spread through her, hopefulness that he actually felt something for her besides desire. Desire was good, and she wasn't unappreciative, even if it didn't necessarily follow that it was particularly personal. If he actually cared, though, and not merely in the sense that he believed he'd ‘marked’ his territory and had ownership rights....
There was something that didn't quite fit, though.
"You weren't jealous of Dante,” she pointed out hesitantly, remembering almost the moment she questioned it that he'd actually seemed pretty pissed off when he'd found her in Dante's cabin, reeking of sex.
He seemed to wrestle with himself, but in the end he neither admitted nor denied the accusation. “He did not know that I wanted you for myself."
Amaryllis thought that over and realized he was trying to make excuses for his brother.
"Besides, if I had done what I wanted to, I would have been here, while you were there."
She hid a smile. It was as much of an admission as he was likely to make. Hewas jealous. He was still ruled more by logic than emotion, though, or he wouldn't have considered the consequences untilafter he'd made his peace with his brother.
That wasn't such a bad thing, was it?
There was a lot to be said for having enough self control to think things through before acting.
She shook her head at the direction of her thoughts, realizing she was actually entertaining the thought of accepting Reese's offer. It was insane even to consider it and not because of any prejudice about him being a cyborg. He was right. He was as human as she was, however he'd been created.
The thing was, he was no more cut out for forming an alliance than she was. Whatever he wanted, or believed he wanted, he'd been designed strictly as a killing machine. Maybe he was right and it would take no more than additional programming to fix that little problem, but she had her doubts that anything could completely overcome his previous programming and it was out of the question even to think about complete reprogramming. He wouldn't be the same person and she adored the person he was.
"We will talk when we reach Gallen."
"Gallen?"
"Home."
The single word raised a plethora of feelings, but yearning was uppermost ... for her own home, for her mother. She wished desperately that she could seek her mother's advice, but then it occurred to her that her mother would probably think she was a basket case even to consider having a serious relationship with a cyborg.
She wouldn't understand that Reese was a person, not a machine.
It was as well that Reese thought it best to hold the discussion until they reached the world the cyborgs called home. It would give her time to learn what if any options she had and to decide what she really wanted to do.
She didn't know whether to be relieved or sorry when she discovered she needn't worry that Reese would change his mind and try to press her for an answer. The guards arrived later that evening and moved him to another cell further along the corridor. Six dreary days later, she was released from lock up. The day after that, they landed.
Chapter Sixteen
Amaryllis was almost as terrified as she was excited at the prospect of being off ship after months in space.
No one else seemed to share her reservations. When the order came to disembark, the corridor flooded with eager ‘colonists’ of both the hunter and the cyborg variety, although Amaryllis supposed they were all cyborgs now.
Or maybe they'd decided to call themselves something else? She thought a little hysterically.
She was pregnant.
She figured that was reason enough to be battling hysteria even if she wasn't facing a world she was fairly certain she wasn't prepared for.
She was still in a state of shock over the realization, still unable to completely accept her suspicions.
She didn't have to look far for the source, but she still had a hard time accepting that she'd been impregnated by a cyborg.
How had they developed the capability? She knew damn well The Company would have made certain they couldn't reproduce, regardless of the other liberties they'd taken and despite the fact that they'd deliberately developed a human/robotic hybrid.
&nb
sp; Did it matter now?
She'd been trying to deny it for weeks, ignoring all the changes in her body that told its own story. She'd almost managed to convince herself that it was pure imagination. After all, she'd never been pregnant before. It seemed more likely that her suspicions could be wrong than that she'd hit on just why she didn't feel quite as she should. Right? But she knew she could continue trying to deny it until the baby—or whatever it was—was born, and it wasn't going to change a damn thing. Denial wasn't going to stop it from happening.
It could've been either one of them.
It could've been both for all she knew.
She didn't care. All that mattered was that she was almost certain she had something growing inside of her and she didn't want it there.
She couldn't face producing a freak.
She wasn't about to bring something into the world to go through the hell she'd gone through.
Her parents had always said it was the radiation storms, that they'd had inadequate shielding at a critical time in her development. There'd been a time when she'd believed them, but that was before she'd been facing the possibility of producing some ‘thing’ herself.
And if that wasn't bad enough, she'd mated with a cyborg. They'd been engineered for excellence, but there had been no expectation that they would reproduce and therefore no concern that their genes could affect future generations. His genes could be as fucked up as her own probably were.
She wanted, desperately, to find a physician who could tell her just how bad it was and remove it if it was as she suspected. She knew that was impossible though. They'd know inside of five minutes that she wasn't one of them and who knew what would happen?
Her only hope, as far as she could see, was to get on an outbound ship as soon as possible and find help.
Reese and Dante were waiting for her when she finally made her way down the gangplank. If she hadn't been so distracted, she would've been looking for a way to avoid them. As it was, Reese had gripped her arm before she even realized he was there.
She glanced at him and then Dante.
"We have a home. You can stay with us until ... until you decide what you want to do,” Reese offered.
Amaryllis blinked at him in dismay. It took her several moments to realize he wasn't talking about her condition, couldn't be because he had no knowledge of it. It took her several moments longer to jog her brain into functioning.
"I'm going to stay at the barracks,” she said finally, remembering the announcement that had been made shortly before they'd landed that accommodations for those who had not made other arrangements could be found at the barracks near the edge of town.
Reese and Dante exchanged a look.
"I will be staying at the house of a friend,” Dante said coolly.
Amaryllis must have stared at him a full minute before she realized what he was saying. She glanced at Reese and then at Dante again. He was a medic. But would he have enough knowledge of medicine to know how to check her? Would he know what to look for? He could probably tell her, positively, whether she was or she was not pregnant, but she'd find that out in due time without having to be checked.
What she needed to know was whether the child was normal or if it was defective and, if it was defective, what course she should take.
She shook the thought off, horrified at the desperation that had spawned it. Dante might know her secret, but he might also have fathered the child. She couldn't let either one of them know.
Reese had spoken of contracting for a family unit. He wouldn't understand at all.
Finally, she shook her head. “My decision has nothing to do with you."
He reddened, turning to glare angrily at the distant horizon.
Amaryllis stared up at him in dismay. She hadn't spoken to him since she'd been discovered in his cabin. She was fairly certain that he hadn't turned her in as she'd first believed, but he'd avoided her since, and she didn't know whether it was because of Reese, or because he thought she hated him for betraying her trust. “I didn't mean that the way you obviously took it. I'm just.... “She searched for something to say that would be palatable to both of them. “...confused right now and I need time to adjust."
It was patently obvious that neither of them was happy about her decision, but they apparently thought argument would be useless. After exchanging another glance, as if they were communicating telepathically, they escorted her to the barracks.
Amaryllis would've preferred they hadn't and it had nothing to do with the fact that she saw Cain watching the three of them speculatively from the terminal. She was in no fit frame of mind to deal with him either.
It was a beautiful world. Dimly, she was aware of that even through her abstraction, aware of the pure sweetness of the air, the gentle caress of the breeze, the comforting warmth of the sun. Abundant vegetation covered the surrounding hills. Tiny flying creatures fluttered among the branches of strange trees and brush and soared overhead, singing strange songs through alien throats. The city, Gallen, nestled comfortably alongside the natural surroundings, the buildings as beautiful in their own way as the land the cyborgs had obviously taken great care to leave as undisturbed as possible.
It lightened her spirits, drew her from her self-absorption. “It's ... beautiful,” she said, her voice tinged with surprise as she stopped short to study her surroundings. She didn't know what she'd expected, but this was certainly not it. She supposed she'd thought that it would look much like the planet of her childhood.
Typically, the terra farmers were sent to planets that would barely sustain life and it was up to them to create a planet more hospitable for the colonists that would come later. They had tried to make their personal habitats as ‘homey’ as possible, but the structure itself was utilitarian and painfully ugly. Beyond the habitat, vegetation was sparse, scraggly and often deadly, and so, too, were the few creatures to be found. The air was breathable, but no one went outside the dome without a suit and a respirator. They'd lived in almost perpetual gloom despite the bright artificial lighting because the atmosphere was so thick the sun barely penetrated it to brighten the ground, much less the glass dome that guarded their habitat.
The ‘playground’ was an area in the center of the dome that the colonists had set aside as safe enough for the children to play. But, although to the young child she'd been it had seemed a place filled with adventure she alone was excluded from finding, the truth was it was as horrible as the remainder of the habitat.
This world was one of such perfection it filled her with wonder, as if she'd slipped into a fantasy world where the sun never burned and the flora and fauna had evolved solely to give comfort and sustenance and pleasure. And, as if guided by their reverence of such beauty, the cyborgs had created a city equally beautiful, built of the pink and white veined stones that erupted from the earth here there, the roofs topped with tiles baked from the soil itself, and everywhere—on the pillars that supported the roofs and the walls—relief carvings that reflected the climbing vegetation and flowers and bird-like creatures surrounding it so that the city itself seemed a part of it all, rather than an intrusion.
"Is this—real?"
Reese, she saw, was smiling at her with obvious pride. “Yes. I'm glad our new home pleases you.” He turned then and, from the rise where they stood, pointed out the buildings of importance in the city—the hall where the council members met; the education centers; the medical/research center; the center for laws; the fort for the militia.
Spiraling out from the city proper, Amaryllis could see glimpses of other buildings. “What are those?"
"The plantations already established. On that rise there is the home that Dante and I built together. It is small by comparison to many of the others, but we did not need much room to be comfortable. In any case, we wanted to wait until we had a family and build to suit our mates."
Amaryllis felt her face redden. After glancing uncomfortably at Dante, she began to move again, heading toward the barrack
s. Without a word, Reese and Dante fell into step beside her.
The barracks, she discovered as they approached it, was far more simple a structure than the others, but still surprisingly pleasing to the eye and as luxurious inside as an upper end apartment complex. She was assigned quarters at the main office and given supplies. To her relief, Reese and Dante excused themselves and departed once they'd walked her to the barracks.
Her heels echoed hollowly as she moved briskly along the virtually deserted corridor that bisected the barracks and finally found the door to her own quarters. It was sparsely furnished, more utilitarian, like the barracks she was accustomed to, but far larger, containing a private bath, a tiny, well stocked kitchen area and a combination living/sleeping area.
She didn't have much enthusiasm for exploring. Depression had settled over her from the moment Reese and Dante had departed, leaving her no reason to try even to appear hopeful about her situation. She plopped into the only comfortable chair the quarters boasted, fighting the tightness of pure misery in her chest.
There'd been only one ship at the landing—the ship they'd traveled on.
She wasn't getting off this planet and she had no idea what the hell she was going to do.
Chapter Seventeen
Amaryllis didn't even claim the most rudimentary cooking skills. What little she did know had been gained from watching her mother prepare meals, but, naturally enough, she had no actual experience in preparing food. After a while, though, she began to realize that at least a part of the hollowness in her belly was hunger and she dragged herself up and went to find something to fill the void. The meal she managed wasn't anything to brag about, but it satisfied her need for food.
Afterwards, bored and anxious, she decided to go out to test her freedom. To her surprise and relief, she was allowed to pass without question. She found herself heading directly toward the med center without even realizing that was the destination she'd had in mind. A great crowd was gathered in the streets, however, and, unnerved, she made an about face as soon as she saw that something had the cyborgs surprisingly stirred up and quickly put as much distance between herself and the crowd as possible.
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