“Eh, it’s not that bad. But now that you mention it, what’s going on? We sit by each other in Professor Plutz’s class every day, and I’ve never noticed anything. Did you fall in something out there, or what?”
“Nah. Nothing like that. It’s just that when I feel threatened, my body secretes this liquid as a kind of self-defense. I can’t control it. I think it activated when Mr. Jeddee was attacked by that worm.”
Wow. Note to self—never pop out from around a corner and surprise Telly. Lightyear sure doesn’t seem to mind, though. He loves Telly. Actually, I think he’s all right, too. I mean, besides the gagtacular odor.
“So how come I never see you around after school?”
“Well, I’m pretty busy taking lessons.”
“Really? What kind? Do you play an instrument or something?”
“Nah.”
“Well, what then?”
“I’d rather not say.”
“C’mon, Telly. I promise I won’t tell anybody if you don’t want me to.”
“Yeah, but somebody might hear.”
“There’s no one within fifteen feet of us right now. Remember? The whole self-defense odor thing?”
“Dance.”
“What?”
“I take dance lessons. Now go ahead and make fun of me.”
“Why would I do that? I’m sort of doing the same thing. In fact, Zot’s coming over tonight to try to teach me a few moves so I don’t look like an idiot at the Galactic Getdown. Well, not as big of an idiot, anyway. I’m trying to impress somebody.”
“Wait. Zot is trying to help you impress someone else?”
“Yeah. We’re pretty good friends, you know.”
“Sure. I guess. Well, good luck with that. And, Kelvin?”
“Yeah?”
When I got back home after the field trip, I started feeling a little guilty about my sponge idea for Mom’s birthday present. Especially since I got her the same thing last year. I couldn’t waste the opportunity to grab Luna’s attention with the glowing stone, though, so I invited Rand-El over to help me with another idea.
“Cottage cheese? You fed Lightyear cottage cheese?”
“Sure, Rand-El. I figured, what mom wouldn’t be moved to tears by having her son give her a barfed-up ball of cottage cheese for her birthday? Jeez. He must have eaten that before I brought him in here.”
“Well, how was I supposed to know? Besides, maybe your mom loves barfed-up cottage cheese balls. You Earth folks can be a little strange, you know.”
“Yeah, I don’t think so. And I don’t think she’d be too thrilled with any of these other ones we tried, either.”
“Actually, the glass one isn’t half bad.”
“I guess. But it’s not glowing. None of them are glowing like the real one.”
I’m getting desperate enough that I’m about to let Lightyear chow down on my original participation trophy, the one he made all the copies from. It’s gold with a marble base, so I figure it might make a cool barfed-up stone, even if it is only plastic. But just as I’m about to make the ultimate athletic sacrifice, there’s a knock on my bedroom door.
“Hey, what are you guys doing here?”
“We’re here to teach you how to dance, remember?” Zot’s smile is even wider than usual. And her braces are brighter than any of the duplicate stones Lightyear has been… producing. Maybe I should ask Zot to sacrifice her mouthware for the sake of my mom’s happiness.
Rand-El looks disgusted. Even more so than usual. “Dance? Why would you want to do something dumb like that? Are you trying to impress somebody, or what?”
“You do know the school dance is in three days, right?” I tell him. “And Principal Ort said he expects to see everybody there. What are you going to do, stand in the corner the whole time and pick your nose?”
“Maybe. I just might scratch my butt, too. It would be a heck of a lot more fun than dancing. Who wants to do that?”
“Me,” Grimnee says as she turns on my music pod and lumbers toward the middle of the room.
“What’s going on in there?” It’s Dad. “Did you accidentally teleport a herd of pole-vaulting bison into your room, or what? HAR!!”
Zot, Rand-El, and even Grimnee laugh out loud. Nope. I’ll never understand.
“Sorry, Dad. We’ll try to keep it down.”
“Okay,” I say to Zot, “how do you want to do this?”
She grabs my hands and leads me to a spot free of Grimnee dance debris.
“There’s nothing to it, really. The key is to not be self-conscious and just have fun.”
“Hey, this is great! I hope Luna is as good a dancer as you are, Zot.”
Well, now! This is more like it! Finally someone recognizes the brilliance, the might, the majesty of Erik Failenheimer! Not to mention my leadership capabilities. When these… whatever the heck they are… saw me roaming around back there, they obviously could sense my aura of magnificence. And what about that rock formation bearing my likeness? Never have I laid eyes upon a more beautiful landscape! Although, I must admit, it is a strange coincidence.
But I wonder-what is the meaning of all this? What do they want from me?
Wait. One of them is approaching my throne.
He looks like he might be their leader. Or might have been their leader before I arrived.
“Who are you? And why have you chosen me? Not that I blame you, of course. I’m an excellent choice for… whatever it is you chose me for.”
“…”
“Hello?! Do you understand anything I’m saying? I hope you don’t expect me to just sit here and stare at your blank, silent faces all day.”
“…”
“Zarfloots, man! Don’t just stand there like an imbecile! Do something!”
There, it looks like that got things going. He’s motioning for me to follow him. But where?
We’re winding our way back through the village, to a cave at the base of the handsome rock formation.
Now he’s taking the torch from its stand and leading me inside. I don’t know what he intends to show me, but whatever it is must be pretty important. Guards are posted every twenty feet along the wall.
All right, this is getting ridiculous now. Counting our trek through the village, I’ve been walking for at least five minutes already. And the cave floor is cold. And a little damp. This is no way to treat an evil genius who you have just given a crown and robe to, for Pete’s sake! It’s time to demand I be carried the rest of the way and… wait! The torch is illuminating something there on the wall.
What the… that’s me! But these etchings look ancient! Yet, there I am, crash-landing onto this very planet! And seated on the throne! And leading this planet’s inhabitants into battle! And… could it be? YES! That’s me, the master of all I survey, holding the Zorb aloft as these curvy creatures grovel at my feet!
This proves it. I am destined to rule the universe! It has been foretold! I will lead my army of minions… no, pinions… against those who dare to oppose me, and stake my rightful claim to the all-powerful Zorb! NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW!! BWAHAHAHA!!!
Well, that was a rough morning. My back still hurts from Zot’s dance “lesson” yesterday. So does my hip. And my neck. And both elbows. Even my nostrils are sore. Man, I just don’t understand girls.
Everybody but Grimnee is here, so I ask about their ideas for getting rid of the Zorb.
“Your dad’s lab is on the bottom level of the space station, right? Well, all we have to do is go outside, cut a hole in the floor, lower the containment vault out of the lab, take it over to a black hole, and dump it in. Problem solved. Any questions?”
“Um… a couple. How do we cut the hole? How do we transport the Zorb? How do we find the nearest black hole? And how do we know that throwing the Zorb into that black hole won’t destroy the galaxy?”
“Hey, that’s for somebody else to figure out. I’m strictly an idea man.”
“Yeah, a bad idea man.”
“I s
uppose you can do better?”
“Sure. In my plan we build a time machine, and I get in it, travel back to five minutes before right now, and stuff a sock in your mouth so we don’t have to listen to that ridiculous plan.”
“Hey, c’mon, you guys. Cool it. I know we’re all a little tense right now, but let’s just listen to what everybody has to say. You never know when an idea might lead to a real solution. How about you, Zot? What have you got?”
“Nothing.”
“Really? It’s all hands on deck here, Zot. We need everybody’s help.”
“Whatever.”
Nope. Definitely don’t understand girls. This isn’t going as well as I hoped.
“How about you, Brian? Are you getting anywhere on the design of that Zorb energy-neutralization beam thingy?”
“It’s no use, guys. I’ve tried everything I can think of to stay calm enough to work on it, but it’s no use. All I end up with is a belly full of pickles.”
Well, that about does it. Grimnee’s not here, and Mippitt isn’t programmed for strategic thinking, so that leaves old Spotcho as our last hope for a good idea.
“Oh, I have a great idea. Unfortunately, it has nothing to do with the Zorb. I figured we had enough manpower dedicated to the Zorb issue last night, so I focused on coming up with an idea for your one big thing, Kelvin. Your reputation changer. And I’ve got it. C’mon, follow me.”
Sure. Why not? Since it looks like I’ll be mining grismak crystals the rest of my life, I may as well do it with a good reputation.
“So, explain to me again what this thing is.”
“It’s called an anechoic chamber.” I think Spotch is losing his patience with me, but it’s hard to tell with his lack of facial expression. “My mom uses it a lot for her acoustics experiments.”
“Acoustics?” I sure wish that Mighty Mega Supergeniusness would kick in, so I didn’t have to feel so clueless about so many things. I mean, Bula got hers and she’s only four. I still haven’t figured out how that’s fair.
“You know, the study of sound. That’s my mom’s scientific specialty. Her lab down here is filled with cool stuff like this chamber.”
“Yeah, I see that. But you said this could be my reputation changer. My one big thing. How’s that going to work?”
“Okay, here’s the deal.” I can tell Spotch is serious now. Not from the tone of his voice, because that hardly ever changes, but because he’s grabbed me by the shoulders.
“An anechoic chamber is designed to be absolutely quiet. All those cone shapes covering the walls and ceiling absorb sound waves. You don’t get any noise reflecting off the surfaces. No echoes. When you’re in there with the door shut, the only sounds you hear are the ones you make yourself. There’s no background noise of any kind. It’s almost like being out in space.”
“Got it.” And I really think I do this time. “But I still don’t see how this is going to help me.”
“Look over there.” Spotch points toward a sign on the side of the chamber.
“My mom says the lack of sound will make you freak out after a while. You’ll begin to feel strange and maybe even start hallucinating when you’ve been in there for too long. Forty-two minutes is the longest anyone’s been able to last. Kelvin, that can be your name on that sign!”
Now we’re talking! Sit on a chair in a nice, quiet room for forty-three minutes and change my reputation forever! This sure beats eating larvae.
“Let’s do it!”
I step into the chamber. The only thing inside is a chair. I sit down on it.
“There’s a timer on the door. It’ll start when I shut it and stop when I open it back up, so we’ll have a record of how long you’re in there. There’s a microphone in the chamber, so if you can’t take it anymore, just let me know.”
Fat chance. I’m going to put this record so far out of reach, it’ll last forever!
I was right! This is going to be a breeze. It really is ridiculously quiet in here, though. So quiet I can hear the buzz of the…
… lights! What happened to the lights?!
“By the way.” It’s Spotch. He must have a microphone. “The record is for staying in there in the dark.”
“Now you tell me.”
My voice sounds weird. It’s weaker than usual and seems to just disappear. Must be those cones gobbling up all the sound waves. It makes it feel like I’m in some huge, open space.
The darkness is definitely creepy, but I decide to stick it out and take my shot at glory. Courageous Kelvin has a lot better ring to it than Drifting Doofus. Or Larva Boy. Or Genius.
I close my eyes, which makes things seem a little more normal. But it’s so quiet in here. I guess you never realize how many little sounds are always going on in the background until they aren’t there anymore.
I know, maybe I’ll just take a little nap and wake up to a new record. I am pretty tired, and it would be so easy to just sort of… sort of… doze.…
Whoa, what’s that? It sounds like it’s coming from right here next to me, but… wait a minute! It’s my heart! I can feel it now.
And that’s my stomach! Wow. Sounds more like a backed-up sewer drain! My ears must be hunting for things to hear. Spotch was right. The only sounds in here are the ones I make. But who knew I was this loud? And disgusting?
I wiggle my ears and hear a scratching noise. The hair in my ears rubbing on my eardrums? I blink and hear the goopy sound of my eyelids sliding over my eyeballs. When I move my hand, I swear I can hear my wrist bones rubbing together.
That’s it. I open my eyes and let out a shout… that just sort of disappears into the nothingness. Am I even in the chamber anymore? It feels like I’m drifting around in… nowhere. This is Spotch’s fault! He did this! The whole thing was just an excuse to get rid of me. And everybody was in on it. My so-called friends, Principal Ort, the teachers, the lunch ladies, everybody! Even my family, including Bula! Especially Bula! What would three geniuses want with an ignoramus who brings the family IQ down?
When I dozed off, they must have shot me into space to spend the rest of my life drifting aimlessly throughout the galaxy! Well, they’re all going to be sorry when they realize I’m gone for good. They’re going to miss old ignoramus Kelvin. They’re going to wish they had let me out when they had the chance. That they had let me out!
“LET ME OUT!”
“Wh-what’s going on?”
“You wanted to get out, so I let you out. You seem a little upset. Are you all right?”
“Uh… yeah, sure. No problem. I think I dozed off there for a while, though. Hey, how long was I in there? Did I make it to forty-three?”
“Well… sort of.”
“Seconds? Forty-seven seconds?”
“It looks like Rezbar Gleeyak’s record is safe for a while. Sorry it didn’t work out, Kelvin.”
“Oh, well. At least this time nobody was around to see me blow it.”
“Yeah. About that.”
“I figured you’d want everybody to see you do your one big thing, so I sort of broadcast it to the cafeteria. I guess that was a mistake.”
“Bula?! Wh-what are you doing at my school?”
“Mom brought me for orientation. What’s going on?”
“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”
“It doesn’t look like nothing. It looks like you’re embarrassing yourself again. Like the time Mom caught you kissing that yearbook picture of Cindy Sloffman.”
Oh no! PLEASE no! This cannot be happening!
“You better not humiliate me like this when I start going here next week, Kelvin. After all, I have a reputation to consider.”
And I have a new identity with a new family at a new school on an ice planet in the next galaxy to consider. If Spotch could show any emotion, I’m sure he’d look sorry right about now. But not as sorry as me.
“Well, it looks like I’m oh for three in the make-a-new-name-for-myself department.”
“I wouldn’t say that.”
>
“See?”
“Yup. I’ll bet Luna can’t wait to hit the dance floor with ol’ Larva Boy.”
“Oh, c’mon, Kelvin. Once she sees you out there, she’ll be begging for you to ask her. You are going to use those new moves Zot taught you, right?”
“Only if I wear a helmet. As soon as I told her I needed her help so I could dance with Luna, our lesson sort of… took a turn for the worse. I don’t get it.”
“You don’t? Zot likes you, Kelvin.”
“I like her, too. So what?”
“No, I mean she likes likes you. Haven’t you noticed how she’s always smiling at you?”
“Zot’s always smiling. At everybody.”
Yikes.
Oh, this day just keeps getting better and better. What next? I accidentally swallow my backpack? Or I could get stuck on another elevator with lunch-special guy. Or maybe I slip on a banagal peel, get sucked out an air lock, drift into a wormhole portal, and wind up on the other end of the galaxy on a planet filled with Bula clones. I mean, why not, right?
At least Dorn has stuck to verbal-only bullying ever since Grimnee wrapped him in that wad of desks. It was getting pretty old being crammed into my helmet every day. And rough on my back. But something seems a little different with Dorn today. I better tread lightly.
“Uh… hey, Dorn. What’s up?”
“What’s up is I’ve been named the new captain of the helmet inspection police.”
“What? There’s no such thing as the helmet inspection police.”
Crash Landing Page 4
