“Come on,” he said, already leading me away from the building. “I’m taking you home.”
Chapter 10
“Seriously, you guys, I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. You have a scraped knee, bruised knuckles, and a broken heart. Here, put this on your hand.” I accepted an icepack from Christian and winced as it made contact with my knuckles. Chiseled face versus petite hands; who wins that battle? Remembering the blood squirting from Dain’s nose, I decided that my throbbing knuckles were worth it.
“Not to mention the guilt you’re sure to feel when you realize you’ve ruined a two hundred dollar Prada jumpsuit.” The room fell silent as we all turned to glare at Chloe. She smiled sheepishly. “But, don’t worry. I have another one in white.”
I winced again as Kinsley knelt in front of me, dabbing at my scraped knee with a peroxide-soaked cotton ball. “All of this is really unnecessary,” I said, though I was secretly glad to have them all with me just then. Once I was alone, I’d have only my regrets for company. “I told you, I’ll be fine.”
“Sure you will,” Kinsley said. “Still, just let us fuss over you a little bit. You want a drink? A pint of mint chocolate chip? A dart board with Dain’s picture on it?”
“I think she already got in a good game of fist darts,” Luke quipped from the couch beside me. He had driven me home and resumed his place at my side since we walked into the apartment. It had been just the two of us in the car, since we’d come to Dain’s apartment in two vehicles. With Kara tagging along, there were too many of us for one. Christian and the girls had gone in his car, and Luke had driven me in his beat-up Nissan.
We rode together in silence, without even the radio, which was strange. Luke’s life was full of music and that included his car. CDs littered the backseat; he was a rebel against mp3s, said it ruined the art of it. Instead, we’d simply sat, Luke’s fingers entwined in mine as he navigated the city streets. I didn’t know what I was doing, letting him hold my hand. I only knew that it felt good and I needed the comfort.
“You should have seen it,” Christian said with a laugh. “He’s going to be sporting raccoon eyes in the morning.”
“Good,” Chloe spat, her nose wrinkling in disdain. “What an ass.”
“He’s worse than an ass,” Kinsley mumbled, rubbing my scrape gently with Neosporin. “He’s a pimple on an ass.”
“Nice,” Luke said with a smirk.
“What is it about guys like Dain that make girls like me go all stupid in the head?” I mused out loud. Kinsley covered my knee with a Band-Aid before sitting cross-legged on the floor. “I’m no genius like you, Kinsley, but I’m usually smarter than this.”
“It’s the three M’s,” said Luke. “Gets ’em every time.”
I frowned. “Three M’s?”
Christian crossed his arms over his chest. “Magnetism, Money, Mojo.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Aren’t magnetism and mojo kind of the same thing?”
“No,” he and Luke answered in unison.
“It’s a lethal combination,” Chloe answered. “You didn’t stand a chance.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Christian said. “If anything, I’m the one who should feel bad here. I introduced you guys, and I trusted him to treat you well. I’d never heard him talk about any girl the way he was talking about you. I’m so sorry, Jenn.”
I gave Christian a smile. “Hey, it’s not your fault, either. Apparently the three M’s don’t just work on girls.” I stood and stretched, still clutching the icepack. “I think I’m going to crash, I’m really tired.”
Kinsley stood. “Want me to come with?”
I shook my head. “Nah. I just want to be alone right now, if that’s okay.”
“Sure,” she said, though she still looked worried.
No one tried to stop me as I retreated to my room. Once inside, I sank down onto the bed. I knew I should take off Chloe’s jumpsuit, but just then I didn’t have the energy. I stared at the wall as I reached up to undo my ‘cat ears’, dropping bobby pins onto the nightstand as my hair fell down around my shoulders. Finding a packet of cleansing cloths, I scrubbed the ruined cat makeup from my face. The sounds of everyone else getting ready for bed reached me from under my door, and within half an hour, the house was quiet. I was still sitting there, icing my hand and wondering how I’d gotten here.
It just didn’t make any sense. I thought I’d done everything right. I’d chosen the right guy—respectful, charming, willing to work with me on the virginity issue. I’d avoided blow jobs in the backseat, office supplies, and Fifty Shades-themed situations. More than that, I’d opened my heart thinking that I’d get more out of the relationship than I’d first expected. Now, I was back where I’d started, only as an added bonus I was also hurt and miserable.
A knock sounded at the door and I stood, rolling my eyes. “Kinsley, I told you I’m fine!” I insisted, swinging open the door. Only, Kinsley wasn’t on the other side. “Luke.” I backed away as he came into the room, not even bothering to ask me first. He’d put on pajama pants, but was also wearing a shirt for a change. The Rolling Stones tee was a shade too tight—it left little to the imagination and I found myself staring at his chest as he closed the door behind him.
“We need to talk,” he said.
I sighed, dropping to the bed and lowering my eyes. “Can we do this tomorrow? I’ve had my fill of emotional turmoil for the night.”
He joined me, leaving a few inches of space between us on the bed. “Just hear me out.”
I nodded, but didn’t look at him. Just now, I didn’t think I could take it. If I’d been confused before where Luke was concerned, now I was even more so. He continued on. “I just wanted you to know, that I get no joy out of this. I’m sure you think I do, since I hated that guy from the start. And yeah, I’ll admit I was jealous, even though I had no right to be. None of those things makes me happy about seeing you hurt.”
I ventured a glance up at him and was lost. Those buttery brown eyes sucked me right in and I leaned my head on his shoulder. “I know,” I answered. “No matter what I said to you before, you’re a good friend. I know you care about me.”
“Care doesn’t quite cover it,” he whispered, resting his head on top of mine. “I guess I waited too long to make that known, and I’m sorry for that, too. Maybe if I had, none of this would have happened.”
I stiffened, bristling at his assumption. “Because I’d have fallen into your arms like all other girls on campus?” I shot to my feet, turning to face him with my hands on my hips. My icepack dropped to the floor.
Instantly, Luke stood, running a hand through his hair. “Of course not,” he said. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?” I asked. “Do you think if you’d told me you wanted me, I would have thrown myself at you? Maybe by now you’d be done with me?”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes I do! You think I’m blind? I see the endless parade of girls lining up to date you; there’s a new one every Saturday night. Don’t even get me started on Kara!”
Luke’s hands bit into my shoulders as he pulled me close, up against his body. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said again, his voice a low growl. His jaw was hard and his eyes were wide and wild. “You think you know, because I’m really good at letting people see what I want them to see. But you don’t know, any more than anyone else does because I don’t let you. That’s my fault also. I let people think I’m some kind of insatiable man whore, but the truth is … the truth …”
I stared up at him, my heart hammering wildly in my chest. “What, Luke? What’s the truth?”
“I haven’t slept with a girl in months,” he said. Even though his behavior had proven otherwise, I believed him. “And even then I was just going through the motions. Those girls I dated like to make people think something more happened, so they can say they’ve been there. I let it happen becau
se since Rebecca I haven’t been the same and I didn’t want anyone else getting that close.”
“What about Kara?” I asked, my stomach churning as I remembered him pulling her into his bedroom, his eyes locked with mine as he shut the door. It had hurt, though at the time I’d had no right to let it. Just as he’d had no right to be jealous of Dain. Yet, here we were.
“Kara and I fooled around, but I never … I didn’t want to, not with her. After we kissed that night and you blew me off I used her to make you jealous. It was petty and stupid, and now I’m pretty sure she thinks I want something with her that I’m not willing to give.”
“I don’t think you need to worry on that front. Kara knows more than you give her credit for.”
Luke shrugged. “Good. That’ll make things easier when I tell her it’s over. I don’t want to be that guy anymore, Jenn. I’m tired. I just want to be honest. I’ve wanted to tell you forever that I think you’re beautiful, and that seeing you every day makes me happy. I’ve wanted you to know how hard it is to walk past you every morning after you’ve just woken up and your hair is all tousled and your face is just … God, you have this glow first thing in the morning, and you don’t even know it. So many times you walked past me, smelling so sweet, and I just wanted to grab you and kiss you. And then, seeing you with Dain …”
He released me and I backed away, rubbing one arm where he’d just touched me. My skin was still warm from his hand. “Luke, I can’t do this right now. Please. It’s been a long night and I’m drained. These things you’re telling me I … I want to hear them. I want to know how you feel, but more than that I need to think about how I feel. Before tonight, I thought I was in love with Dain. I was so convinced of it that I almost … I was going to … God, this is embarrassing.”
Luke frowned. “You were going to sleep with him.”
I nodded. “Yeah, but it isn’t that simple. If I had, he would have been my first.”
Luke’s jaw dropped and he looked as if someone had just knocked the wind out of him. “Jenn, are you telling me you’re a virgin?”
I could feel my face going red again, and I lowered my eyes, embarrassed. “Yeah, I am. It’s pitiful, I know that. I’ve just never been able to go through with it, and I wanted it to be special. I wanted … you’re going to laugh at me.”
Luke crossed his arms over his chest and raised his chin. “Try me.”
I took a deep breath and sighed, closing my eyes. I couldn’t look at him when I said the words out loud. “I wanted to lose my virginity by my twenty-first birthday. When I met Dain, I thought I was going to get my wish.”
Luke didn’t laugh, thank God. He did wrinkle his eyebrows, though. “Why was it so important to you to do it by your birthday?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. It sounds so stupid now. I just wanted to finally feel like a woman and stop feeling like a klutzy little girl. I didn’t want to make it to twenty-one before I’d finally experienced that. I wanted to feel beautiful and confident, and I wanted to finally stop being so afraid of it. My past experiences have kind of left their mark, and I just wanted to outrun that.”
Luke nodded. “I get it.” He stepped forward again, this time taking my face in his hands. “Can I tell you something?” I nodded, but didn’t respond. “I lost mine when I was fifteen. It was with a girl whose face I can barely remember and it was over so fast I can’t recall any of the details. I wish I’d waited.”
My eyebrows shot up. “You do?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I do. Jenn, you don’t want to just lose it to just anyone, and you shouldn’t put a timeline on it. You should wait until the time is right.”
I rolled my eyes. “Everyone says that and it all sounds so great. Like a Lifetime movie or something. At this point, it feels more like a nuisance than anything else. I had started to believe in the whole ‘magical experience’ when I met Dain, but now I’m back where I started.”
Luke smiled. “Oh, the magic exists. You have to wait for it because you can’t get it back once it’s gone.” His fingers traced lazy circles on my jawline and his warm breath fanned my face. “You’ll know it when it happens. There’s this spark, this elemental feeling of need that is unlike anything you’ve ever felt. It grows and swells until it consumes you, and you feel like you’re just going to die if you don’t make love to that person, right then, right there.” His thumb stroked my lips and my breath hitched, catching in my throat. “Then, when it happens, there’s this sense of rightness about the whole thing and you never want it to end. It’s more than a physical thing. What I’m trying to say is, that feeling is real, and it’s worth holding out for. You deserve for your first time to be like that.”
He pulled away, dropping his hands from my face and I teetered, thrown off balance by his intoxicating spell. I blinked, my head spinning with dizziness and confusion. What was this? The feelings he was stirring in me were similar to the ones I’d had for Dain, but also very different.
“Luke,” I whispered, my voice a plea. Though, honestly, I wasn’t sure what it was I truly wanted.
“I’ll go,” he murmured, taking a step away. “I know you said you wanted to be alone, so I’ll give you your space. Just think about what I said. I don’t expect you to return my feelings. I don’t even know if you feel anything similar to what I do, but I’m tired of hiding.”
“Wait,” I called as he turned to leave. He paused in the doorway and glanced back at me. “I don’t want you to leave. When I said I wanted to be alone, I was just trying to save face. Just stay and hang out for a while? Please. I have feelings … I don’t quite understand them and I need time to figure them out.”
Luke nodded. “Understandable.”
“But for now, I just need my friend.”
Luke sat down on the bed and took my hand, pulling me down beside him. “That, I will always be.”
We settled against the headboard—pretty close together for lack of space—and indulged in a Breaking Bad marathon. We laughed together in way we hadn’t in weeks, and I was grateful. It felt nice to be on good terms with him again, to have my friend back. Eventually, he nodded off, and I quickly followed.
I woke up the next morning with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me. And in that moment between sleep and wakefulness, I began to think about the possibility of more.
***
Day 55
The next few weeks passed by in a blur. As I went through life after Dain, I slowly fell back into normalcy. Class, studying, hanging out with my friends. Things in the house were far more harmonious now that Luke and I weren’t fighting. Though, after our night together, we hadn’t talked about our conversation. Luke hadn’t mentioned his feelings again, and he didn’t push me. Still, I noticed a change in him. The constant parade of girls had stopped, and even Kara quit coming around. He was still my friend, Luke, but now he was also this guy who gave me heated looks over morning coffee and placed his hand at the small of my back ever so lightly anytime we came close enough to each other.
I’d never been one to jump from one relationship to the other, and I wasn’t about to start now. If I was going to open myself up to Luke, I needed to be sure it wasn’t a rebound thing. He deserved better than that from me, and I couldn’t—wouldn’t—lead him on. I knew all too well how that felt and would never make anyone else feel that way if I could help it.
Still, it was hard not to smile back at him when he smiled at me, or lean into him as we lounged on the couch, watching TV. When he asked me to catch a movie with him, I went and had a great time. When he looked at me like he wanted to kiss me, I was tempted to initiate that kiss. Remembering that night at Kingdom and the fiery kiss we’d shared on the dance floor, I couldn’t help but want to experience that again. It was hard, but I held out, remembering what Luke had said about good things being worth the wait.
He’d been right, of course. I’d been going about losing my virginity all wrong, and I’d lost sight of what I’d truly wanted. Love. To be madly, p
assionately, truly in love. The sad thing was, I was starting to realize that I’d never loved Dain. Not in the way I should have to want to have sex with him. Infatuation was a more accurate description, and with every day that passed, I found myself feeling more and more grateful that I hadn’t gone through with it.
Chloe and Kinsley were starting to notice the changes between Luke and me, though, to their credit, they kept their mouth shut about it for a while. Of course, Chloe could only hold out for so long.
“So, what’s up with you and Luke?” she asked as we packed for Thanksgiving break.
Our suitcases were spread out on the floor of her and Kinsley’s room and baskets of fresh laundry surrounded us. This year, Chloe and her parents were spending it in Hawaii. Kinsley would be spending the holiday with me and my parents, since her family was flying to India to visit her grandmother. Kinsley wouldn’t have been able to stay the whole week as they were planning, so I’d invited her home with me. The boys weren’t going anywhere. Since Christian’s parents were here in Austin, he would just go and spend Thanksgiving Day with them; he couldn’t stand to be there any longer than that. Luke’s relationship with his father was shaky at best and he avoided going home whenever possible, so he was staying, too. Usually, he spent the day with Christian’s family.
“Nothing,” I answered quickly, folding a sweater and placing it in my suitcase. “I mean, not really.”
“Mm-hmm,” Kinsley mumbled, giving me a knowing wink. “Go ahead, play it cool. We aren’t buying it.”
I paused in the middle of folding a pair of jeans and stared back and forth between Kinsley and Chloe. They were staring at me expectantly, waiting for me to spill the beans. “Okay,” I said with a sigh. “Maybe something’s going on. But I’m not trying to get into anything new just yet. Dain and I just broke up.”
“A month ago,” Chloe pointed out. “It’s been almost a month, and Luke isn’t going to get any hotter. In fact, as time passes, he gets less hot, so now’s the time to jump on that.”
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