by Ira Tabankin
“Todd, it’s a good thing I love you and you’re the father of my granddaughters or I’d kill you. They’re dirty and I mean that in every way possible. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. If they keep shaking the bed like they’ll break my bed frame and headboard. The ‘old lady’, as Dutch calls her, is hanging on to my headboard while she’s riding him. Damn it, they’re making a porno in my bedroom.” Todd laughs, spitting up his coffee. While we’re watching, four more people jump on my bed and start going at it. “Todd, isn’t there some way we can gas them to make them stop?”
John turns around to see what’s got us all worked up, he looks at the monitor laughing, “Jay, I didn’t know you produced porn on the side.”
“John, find a way to get them out of my house!”
“Jay, settle down. You knew this could happen. Don’t lose your cool so early. We’re working on a plan to get them to leave.”
“John, my worry is they decide to stay for the winter.”
“Jay, they may then decide to try their hand at planting crops, we could be looking at them moving in and staying. If they do, we’re going to have to run a guerrilla operation to get them out. It could take us months to remove them.”
“John, I need you to find a way to get them out, not think of ways for them to stay.”
“Jay, very soon, I promise you. There’s evidence the gang and the mob are at odds with each other, this works to our benefit. Also, some of the gang can’t figure out if they should stay or leave. Some want to stay for the winter, others are afraid the mob is going to attack them. The mob is hungry and pissed at the MC. Very soon it will be time to exploit the distrust between the two groups. We’ll help turn one against the other. “
“John, if you say so. We must try to dislodge them ASAP.”
“Jay, believe me when I say, I fully understand, everyone wants to go home.”
“I’m glad you understand.”
Tony meets me walking out of the security room, “Tony, what do you think your counterparts are doing in other parts of the country?”
“Jay, according to the reports and radio/HAM messages we’ve listened to, the entire country is fighting with each other. Many of the families are fighting with each other so they come out on top when the mess is over.”
“Which side are you supporting?”
Tony smiles, “I’m supporting whoever wins control.”
“I understand. I wonder how my favorite sheriff is doing.”
“That’s a very good question. We haven’t seen or heard anything from him since a couple of days before the battle. I wonder who he’s screwing out of a nice place to live. Jay, it would just break my heart if he ran into some serious trouble, he’s been a pain in my ass for too long.”
“Was he always trying to arrest you?”
Tony laughs, “My brother from another mother, he didn’t want to arrest me, he wanted his cut from my various businesses. He wanted his monthly payments made on time and in cash with untraceable bills. So long as civilians weren’t killed in my business, he left me alone. He made an arrest of a couple of my people now and again so he would look good to the voters, but all he was really interested in was the money, ‘show me the money’ was his favorite saying.”
Before we can continue, Todd makes a shelter wide announcement, “Jay, please come to the security room, Jay, please report to the security room, we have a code 1 event.”
Tony and I looked at each other, we didn’t need to say anything, we both knew a code 1 event could be a serious crises, we took off running to the security office. People who saw us running assumed something terrible happened. They got very concerned, many followed us to learn what happened. Rumors spread through the shelter quicker than we were jogging, the rumors beat us by minutes. In hindsight, I don’t think it was a good idea using code words over the general announcement system nor should we have run through the shelter, we attracted way too much attention. When we arrived, there were already fifteen people standing outside the locked door to the security room demanding to know what was going on. They started hounding us with questions before we even unlocked the door.
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Captain Sarnoff is handed a coded message from his radio operator, “Sir, you have an eyes-only message from the FSB head of mission Demetri Darkenov. His instructions are to hand the message only to you and for you to respond within one hour. Sir, shall I wait?”
Looking at the length of the message, Captain Sarnoff replies, “I will call you when I am ready to respond, this might take a little time. Where are we?”
“Sir, we are south of Chicago just outside of a town named, Normal, Illinois.”
“Who the hell names a city, Normal? These Americans are crazy. Normal. No one is normal, least of all Americans. I will decode and read Darkenov’s message in my vehicle.”
Sarnoff decodes the message on his laptop, he’s surprised by the message. He leans back in his chair thinking how to respond. He drafts a response, calling the radio operator to send his response to the FSB. Sarnoff spits on the ground thinking to himself, Damn FSB is worse than the KGB was, same people, more freedom since our beloved President allows them to do anything they want. This mission is crazy. They could be igniting the fuse for World War Three. I do not have a choice so I will have to follow his instructions. I need to speak with Nikita, this could get very messy.
Sarnoff grabs a private running by his vehicle, “Where is Nikita?”
The private snaps to attention, “Captain, the political officer is inspecting the men.”
“Please locate him and tell him I need to see him as soon as possible.”
“Yes, sir.” Replied the private as he ran off to find the political officer.
Ten minutes later Sarnoff sees his old friend walking towards him, “Comrade Captain Sarnoff, you want to see me?”
“Do not give me any of that Comrade bullshit. Our mission orders have changed. Darkenov personally sent the changes.”
“I can tell without even seeing them, there goes our little scenic drive through mid-America.”
“You are right there. Do you want to read the orders or should I summarize them?”
“Old friend, please just summarize them. Darkenov is such an asshole, he is usually way too wordy.”
“He hasn’t changed. Our orders are to look and act like an American Tea Party militia and attack an American Army company moving south from Chicago. We are to use RPGs or American missiles. We have been instructed to use AR15s or old AK47s. We are not to use any weapon or wear anything that connects us to the Mother Land.”
“Great, the SOB wants us to start a new civil war for him.”
“Captain, this is a dangerous mission. An American Army Company is much larger than us. We were simply supposed to drop off weapons and stir up civil unrest, not attack the damn US Army. Their Army has no sense of humor. Why are we supposed to look like a Tea Party and not just unhappy, hungry citizens? We look normal, we are unhappy and most of us are hungry. When this mission is completed the damn FSB will most likely track all of us down and kill us. They will not want any live witnesses around to testify what they started. Who did you piss off to get us locked into this bullshit mission? I had high hopes of returning home in one piece and not in a pine box.”
“I too would like to return home alive and not in a box. I do not trust Darkenov as far as I can throw him, which might have to be off the roof of the Russian Mission building.”
“Captain, trust and Darkenov do not belong in the same sentence. We should plan to disappear after this mission. Before you ask, he will not listen to me. I am considered tainted because I have spent most of my career in the field at your side. No matter how connected you or I are, no one can save us from the FSB’s wet works teams.”
“Nikita, my old friend, let us plan how to carry out Darkenov’s mission and then disappear. I considered not carrying out his mission. However, we need the time to make the arrangements for us and the men to disappear. I do not th
ink either of us will be able to go home again. Our masters will not want anyone telling tales after this mission.”
“Da, Captain, maybe we should make plans to stay here. America will be restarting, there will be plenty of good paying work for people like us. Many of their rich will be interested in having their own army. We should easily be able to hire ourselves out for security work. Some may be interested in hiring us to do battle for them. We should create new documents for the entire team, I suggest we stop using Russian, we only speak English, the men can use the practice.”
“That is an interesting thought. We will discuss it in more detail after we locate and dispose of this American Army unit. According to the orders, they are supposed to be close, they were reported moving south on Interstate 57.”
“Good, the sooner we take care of the Americans the quicker we can disappear.”
“Nikita, come, let us open a bottle of vodka while we review how to trap the Americans. Like the good Russian soldiers we are for now, we will follow our orders. If we do not follow Darkenov’s orders, he will not stop until he has every one of our heads mounted on his wall.”
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At 9:00 PM, most of us are sitting in the mess hall sipping coffee, tea, or hot chocolate while we wait for the President’s latest address. Fred yells out, “I’ve got fifty that says, he’s going to raise taxes, any takers?”
Rich responds, “I’ve got one hundred that says he’s going to ban all guns.”
Tony responds, “Those bets are a sure thing for you, how about a real bet, one hundred dollars with odds of a thousand to one that he resigns.”
Everyone laughs when the large screen changes to an image of the White House. We notice that the White House is ringed with heavily armed troops, the fence in front of the White House has been increased to over twenty feet high. There are two LAVs and an M1 tank sitting in the driveway blocking anyone who tries breaking through the barrier to gain access to the Presidential House. Megan from Fox News looks into the camera saying, “Good evening, tonight President 0bama is going to address the nation on the ongoing financial crisis. He’s also promised to address the spreading violence that has the entire country fearing for their safety. The DHS and DOJ have stopped issuing the crime statistics due to the rapidly increasing numbers of violent crime that are reported every day. There are rumors circulating the Pentagon that all of America’s foreign-based troops are being brought home. The door is opening, here is the President of the United States.”
The President steps up to the podium smiling as he begins to read from his TelePrompTer. “My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I address you this evening. I know everyone listening to me this evening has to some degree suffered a loss. This worldwide economic crisis started with Greece defaulting on their IMF loans. Greece’s default began a domino effect across Europe and even reached into America when Puerto Rico defaulted. When the financial dominoes fell, the world’s economy slowed. In the following three weeks, a record number of people were thrown out of work. Our economy had been on the edge due to Saudi Arabia cutting the cost of oil to record lows so they could bankrupt our fracking industry. Once most of the fracking companies were bankrupt, OPEC raised the price of oil to $150 a barrel pushing almost the entire world into a recession or depression. The world’s economy couldn’t cope with these various shocks. When the Euro failed, Europe’s economy crashed, the repercussions of the price of oil and the huge losses caused by the defaults in Europe caused our banks to begin to fail because they were so large they were heavily invested in other currencies and in the stock market.”
Fred yelled, “What happened to, ‘too big to fail?’” Most of us laughed and also shook our heads knowing Fred was right. The President had told us that he had to merge the banks so they became too large to fail and now he’s telling us, they’ve failed because they were too large.
The President continued, “The economic and banking failures ringed the world. While we were dealing with our banking system failures, we received the third punch when the Chinese demanded repayment of our trillions of dollars of debt the US owed them. China then demanded we give them the State of Hawaii as repayment for our debt. I asked the Chinese Premier for additional time to make payments, they refused my request. They said we could make the payment in gold or simply hand them Hawaii. I refused to hand them Hawaii. America doesn’t hand over territory to foreign nations. I ordered the US Navy to intercept the Chinese fleet that was on their way to claim Hawaii. I ordered the Navy to stop the Chinese fleet. I can report that the largest naval battle since the Second World War is being fought in the Pacific. This war, like most wars, shouldn’t have been fought. The Chinese tricked us and pulled a very sneaky trick on our fine young men and women sailors. We’ve lost thousands, but we also dealt the Chinese a heavy blow.”
Flo yells out, “So who’s winning? Show us the pictures!” We clap in support for Flo.
Ricky says, “There's no need for this war, all of those poor sailors died for a loan. Is any loan worth the lives of thousands of people? Why are we fighting our friends the Chinese?”
John yells, “Ricky do us a favor and shut up.”
The President smiles into the camera, “We all live on the same small blue planet. I call on the Chinese to cease fire and withdraw your ships, go home in peace. I promise you as America’s Commander in Chief that our ships won’t follow you, they will cease firing and allow you to retreat. Soon we will be one people united in peace. I promise the Chinese people, we as adults can sit across from each other and find a peaceful solution to the Chinese grievances. I’m sure we can work out a payment plan that will work for both countries.”
We don’t understand why he’s telling the Chinese to withdraw without us finishing the war. Reports have come in from embedded reporters that we sank the Chinese carrier while they attacked four of our carriers, we didn’t lose any. The battleship USS Missouri ravaged their fleet by shelling them with experimental sabot shells before they got into range when they started firing 2,700-pound shells at the Chinese. We’re looking at each other shaking our heads wondering what he knows and isn’t telling us.
“Restoring our economy and way of life is going to take a major sacrifice for all of us. America, the entire world is going to have to change in order to rebuild and return us to the leadership position in the world. Let’s review the current situation, we have a national debt of $22,500,789, 335,114, as of a couple of minutes ago. This is so high mostly due to the incompetence of my predecessor. The compounding interest changes the amount every minute. Some have said there’s not enough money is the world to repay our debt. I say there is. In fact, we’re working on acquired the funds required to pay down our debt. During my first seven years in office, I’ve reduced the debt to income ratio lower than almost every other President. Had the Congress passed my budgets, we wouldn’t be in the situation we are now. We would have been the strongest country in the world, we could have saved the world from the economic meltdown that’s destroyed so many families. The current economic situation is worse than the Great Depression of the 1930s. The current worldwide unemployment rate is standing at 50%. Yes, you heard me correctly, half of the world’s population is unemployed. Three-quarters of the world is starving to death because they can’t afford to feed their families. Half of the other third is comprised of those who are just making it day by day, another third is comprised of people who are working for various governments trying to protect and support you, our citizens. The top one percent have gotten rich off of the backs of the working poor who they’ve held down in a permanent lower class poverty. The rich have been able to buy politicians so they get laws passed that enable them to stay rich while the poor stay poor. I say this has to end if the world is going to change and turn around.”
Ricky pumps his fist in the air, “Yes, finally everyone will pay their fair share, we’ll be able to pay all of the world’s debt off. We’re going to cut back our crazy defense spending. We’re fi
nally really moving forward. He’s going to bring us the hope and change he always promised to bring us.”
Fred yells, “Ricky shut the hell up, we can only listen to one asshole at a time.”
Everyone laughs at Ricky’s expense.
The President continues, “I’ve tried to work with the one percent, I upped their tax rate to 75% so they could help their country in her time of need, most of the one percent repaid America by leaving the country, over 10,000 renounced their citizenship. Is this any way to repay the very people who they got rich from? The rich think they can play a game with taxes, they move their families and their money from country to country. These wealthy Americans move to the country with the lowest tax rate. I ask you, the average American family, you who are having trouble putting food on your table, is this fair? Is it legitimate or reasonable that the very richest in the world should be able to move their money around to avoid paying their fair share? I’ve spent the last 34 days in close communication with the United Nations and the other first and second tier countries. We’ve reached a monumental agreement. An agreement that is going to change the world forever. Starting today, the entire world will be paying taxes to the United Nations. The U.N. will spread the wealth of the world to those countries that most need the resources. I’m very happy to report that under the supervision of the United Nations, every country will be brought up to a common level, soon there won’t be a first, second or third world. We will all be a single world united under the blue and white flag of the United Nations. In order to ensure that countries support the agreement, we’ve agreed to merge the world’s top militaries into a singular world force that no one will be able to successfully confront. The United Nations new worldwide military command is going to ensure the stability of every country while at the same time enabling countries to drastically reduce our military expenses. In order to ensure the new one world order isn’t challenged, the United Nations has agreed to extend the Small Arms Treaty to ban the private ownership of all firearms.”
