Ever since the Wednesday when she had accompanied Mary and Elizabeth, at Mrs Bradshaw’s desire, to be measured for spring clothes by the new Eccleston dressmaker, she had been looking forward to this Saturday afternoon’s pleasure of making summer trousers for Leonard; but the satisfaction of the employment was a little taken away by Leonard’s speech. It was a sign, however, that her life was very quiet and peaceful, that she had leisure to think upon the thing at all; and often she forgot it entirely in her low, chanting song, or in listening to the thrush warbling out his afternoon ditty to his patient mate in the holly-bush below.
The distant rumble of carts through the busy streets (it was market-day) not only formed a low rolling bass to the nearer and pleasanter sounds, but enhanced the sense of peace by the suggestion of the contrast afforded to the repose of the garden by the bustle not far off.
But besides physical din and bustle, there is mental strife and turmoil.
That afternoon, as Jemima was restlessly wandering about the house, her mother desired her to go on an errand to Mrs Pearson’s, the new dressmaker, in order to give some directions about her sisters’ new frocks. Jemima went, rather than have the trouble of resisting; or else she would have preferred staying at home, moving or being outwardly quiet according to her own fitful will. Mrs Bradshaw, who, as I have said, had been aware for some time that something was wrong with her daughter, and was very anxious to set it to rights if she only knew how, had rather planned this errand with a view to dispel Jemima’s melancholy.
“And, Mimie, dear,” said her mother, “when you are there, look out for a new bonnet for yourself; she has got some very pretty ones, and your old one is so shabby.”
“It does for me, mother,” said Jemima, heavily. “I don’t want a new bonnet.”
“But I want you to have one, my lassie. I want my girl to look well and nice.”
There was something of homely tenderness in Mrs Bradshaw’s tone that touched Jemima’s heart. She went to her mother, and kissed her with more of affection than she had shown to any one for weeks before; and the kiss was returned with warm fondness.
“I think you love me, mother,” said Jemima.
“We all love you, dear, if you would but think so. And if you want anything, or wish for anything, only tell me, and with a little patience I can get your father to give it you, I know. Only be happy, there’s a good girl.”
“Be happy! as if one could by an effort of will!” thought Jemima, as she went along the street, too absorbed in herself to notice the bows of acquaintances and friends, but instinctively guiding herself right among the throng and press of carts, and gigs, and market people in High Street.
But her mother’s tones and looks, with their comforting power, remained longer in her recollection than the inconsistency of any words spoken. When she had completed her errand about the frocks, she asked to look at some bonnets, in order to show her recognition of her mother’s kind thought.
Mrs Pearson was a smart, clever-looking woman of five or six and thirty. She had all the variety of small-talk at her finger-ends that was formerly needed by barbers to amuse the people who came to be shaved. She had admired the town till Jemima was weary of its praises, sick and oppressed by its sameness, as she had been these many weeks.
“Here are some bonnets, ma’am, that will be just the thing for you — elegant and tasty, yet quite of the simple style, suitable to young ladies. Oblige me by trying on this white silk!”
Jemima looked at herself in the glass; she was obliged to own it was very becoming, and perhaps not the less so for the flush of modest shame which came into her cheeks as she heard Mrs Pearson’s open praises of the “rich, beautiful hair,” and the “Oriental eyes” of the wearer.
“I induced the young lady who accompanied your sisters the other day — the governess, is she, ma’am?”
“Yes — Mrs Denbigh is her name,” said Jemima, clouding over.
“Thank you, ma’am. Well, I persuaded Mrs Denbigh to try on that bonnet, and you can’t think how charming she looked in it; and yet I don’t think it became her as much as it does you.”
“Mrs Denbigh is very beautiful,” said Jemima, taking off the bonnet, and not much inclined to try on any other.
“Very, ma’am. Quite a peculiar style of beauty. If I might be allowed, I should say that hers was a Grecian style of loveliness, while yours was Oriental. She reminded me of a young person I once knew in Fordham.” Mrs Pearson sighed an audible sigh.
“In Fordham!” said Jemima, remembering that Ruth had once spoken of the place as one in which she had spent some time, while the county in which it was situated was the same in which Ruth was born. “In Fordham! Why, I think Mrs Denbigh comes from that neighbourhood.”
“Oh, ma’am! she cannot be the young person I mean — I am sure, ma’am — holding the position she does in your establishment. I should hardly say I knew her myself; for I only saw her two or three times at my sister’s house; but she was so remarked for her beauty, that I remember her face quite well — the more so, on account of her vicious conduct afterwards.”
“Her vicious conduct!” repeated Jemima, convinced by these words that there could be no identity between Ruth and the “young person” alluded to. “Then it could not have been our Mrs Denbigh.”
“Oh, no, ma’am! I am sure I should be sorry to be understood to have suggested anything of the kind. I beg your pardon if I did so. All I meant to say — and perhaps that was a liberty I ought not to have taken, considering what Ruth Hilton was — ”
“Ruth Hilton!” said Jemima, turning suddenly round, and facing Mrs Pearson.
“Yes, ma’am, that was the name of the young person I allude to.”
“Tell me about her — what did she do?” asked Jemima, subduing her eagerness of tone and look as best she might, but trembling as on the verge of some strange discovery.
“I don’t know whether I ought to tell you, ma’am — it is hardly a fit story for a young lady; but this Ruth Hilton was an apprentice to my sister-in-law, who had a first-rate business in Fordham, which brought her a good deal of patronage from the county families; and this young creature was very artful and bold, and thought sadly too much of her beauty; and, somehow, she beguiled a young gentleman, who took her into keeping (I am sure, ma’am, I ought to apologise for polluting your ears — )”
“Go on,” said Jemima, breathlessly.
“I don’t know much more. His mother followed him into Wales. She was a lady of a great deal of religion, and of a very old family, and was much shocked at her son’s misfortune in being captivated by such a person; but she led him to repentance, and took him to Paris, where, I think, she died; but I am not sure, for, owing to family differences, I have not been on terms for some years with my sister-in-law, who was my informant.”
“Who died?” interrupted Jemima — ”the young man’s mother, or — or Ruth Hilton?”
“Oh dear, ma’am! pray don’t confuse the two. It was the mother, Mrs — I forget the name — something like Billington. It was the lady who died.”
“And what became of the other?” asked Jemima, unable, as her dark suspicion seemed thickening, to speak the name.
“The girl? Why, ma’am, what could become of her? Not that I know exactly — only one knows they can but go from bad to worse, poor creatures! God forgive me, if I am speaking too transiently of such degraded women, who, after all, are a disgrace to our sex.”
“Then you know nothing more about her?” asked Jemima.
“I did hear that she had gone off with another gentleman that she met with in Wales, but I’m sure I can’t tell who told me.”
There was a little pause. Jemima was pondering on all she had heard. Suddenly she felt that Mrs Pearson’s eyes were upon her, watching her; not with curiosity, but with a newly-awakened intelligence; — and yet she must ask one more question; but she tried to ask it in an indifferent, careless tone, handling the bonnet while she spoke.
“How long is
it since all this — all you have been telling me about — happened?” (Leonard was eight years old.)
“Why — let me see. It was before I was married, and I was married three years, and poor dear Pearson has been deceased five — I should say going on for nine years this summer. Blush roses would become your complexion, perhaps, better than these lilacs,” said she, as with superficial observation she watched Jemima turning the bonnet round and round on her hand — the bonnet that her dizzy eyes did not see.
“Thank you. It is very pretty. But I don’t want a bonnet. I beg your pardon for taking up your time.” And with an abrupt bow to the discomfited Mrs Pearson, she was out and away in the open air, threading her way with instinctive energy along the crowded street. Suddenly she turned round, and went back to Mrs Pearson’s with even more rapidity than she had been walking away from the house.
“I have changed my mind,” said she, as she came, breathless, up into the show-room. “I will take the bonnet. How much is it?”
“Allow me to change the flowers; it can be done in an instant, and then you can see if you would not prefer the roses; but with either foliage it is a lovely little bonnet,” said Mrs Pearson, holding it up admiringly on her hand.
“Oh! never mind the flowers — yes! change them to roses.” And she stood by, agitated (Mrs Pearson thought with impatience), all the time the milliner was making the alteration with skilful, busy haste.
“By the way,” said Jemima, when she saw the last touches were being given, and that she must not delay executing the purpose which was the real cause of her return — ”Papa, I am sure, would not like your connecting Mrs Denbigh’s name with such a — story as you have been telling me.”
“Oh dear! ma’am, I have too much respect for you all to think of doing such a thing! Of course I know, ma’am, that it is not to be cast up to any lady that she is like anybody disreputable.”
“But I would rather you did not name the likeness to any one,” said Jemima; “not to any one. Don’t tell any one the story you have told me this morning.”
“Indeed, ma’am, I should never think of such a thing! My poor husband could have borne witness that I am as close as the grave where there is anything to conceal.”
“Oh dear!” said Jemima, “Mrs Pearson, there is nothing to conceal; only you must not speak about it.”
“I certainly shall not do it, ma’am; you may rest assured of me.”
This time Jemima did not go towards home, but in the direction of the outskirts of the town, on the hilly side. She had some dim recollection of hearing her sisters ask if they might not go and invite Leonard and his mother to tea; and how could she face Ruth, after the conviction had taken possession of her heart that she, and the sinful creature she had just heard of, were one and the same?
It was yet only the middle of the afternoon; the hours were early in the old-fashioned town of Eccleston. Soft white clouds had come slowly sailing up out of the west; the plain was flecked with thin floating shadows, gently borne along by the westerly wind that was waving the long grass in the hay-fields into alternate light and shade. Jemima went into one of these fields, lying by the side of the upland road. She was stunned by the shock she had received. The diver, leaving the green sward, smooth and known, where his friends stand with their familiar smiling faces, admiring his glad bravery — the diver, down in an instant in the horrid depths of the sea, close to some strange, ghastly, lidless-eyed monster, can hardly more feel his blood curdle at the near terror than did Jemima now. Two hours ago — but a point of time on her mind’s dial — she had never imagined that she should ever come in contact with any one who had committed open sin; she had never shaped her conviction into words and sentences, but still it was there, that all the respectable, all the family and religious circumstances of her life, would hedge her in, and guard her from ever encountering the great shock of coming face to face with vice. Without being pharisaical in her estimation of herself, she had all a Pharisee’s dread of publicans and sinners, and all a child’s cowardliness — that cowardliness which prompts it to shut its eyes against the object of terror, rather than acknowledge its existence with brave faith. Her father’s often reiterated speeches had not been without their effect. He drew a clear line of partition, which separated mankind into two great groups, to one of which, by the grace of God, he and his belonged; while the other was composed of those whom it was his duty to try and reform, and bring the whole force of his morality to bear upon, with lectures, admonitions, and exhortations — a duty to be performed, because it was a duty — but with very little of that Hope and Faith which is the Spirit that maketh alive. Jemima had rebelled against these hard doctrines of her father’s, but their frequent repetition had had its effect, and led her to look upon those who had gone astray with shrinking, shuddering recoil, instead of with a pity so Christ-like as to have both wisdom and tenderness in it.
And now she saw among her own familiar associates one, almost her housefellow, who had been stained with that evil most repugnant to her womanly modesty, that would fain have ignored its existence altogether. She loathed the thought of meeting Ruth again. She wished that she could take her up, and put her down at a distance somewhere — anywhere — where she might never see or hear of her more; never be reminded, as she must be whenever she saw her, that such things were in this sunny, bright, lark-singing earth, over which the blue dome of heaven bent softly down as Jemima sat in the hayfield that June afternoon; her cheeks flushed and red, but her lips pale and compressed, and her eyes full of a heavy, angry sorrow. It was Saturday, and the people in that part of the country left their work an hour earlier on that day. By this, Jemima knew it must be growing time for her to be at home. She had had so much of conflict in her own mind of late, that she had grown to dislike struggle, or speech, or explanation; and so strove to conform to times and hours much more than she had done in happier days. But oh! how full of hate her heart was growing against the world! And oh! how she sickened at the thought of seeing Ruth! Who was to be trusted more, if Ruth — calm, modest, delicate, dignified Ruth — had a memory blackened by sin?
As she went heavily along, the thought of Mr Farquhar came into her mind. It showed how terrible had been the stun, that he had been forgotten until now. With the thought of him came in her first merciful feeling towards Ruth. This would never have been, had there been the least latent suspicion in Jemima’s jealous mind that Ruth had purposely done aught — looked a look — uttered a word — modulated a tone — for the sake of attracting. As Jemima recalled all the passages of their intercourse, she slowly confessed to herself how pure and simple had been all Ruth’s ways in relation to Mr Farquhar. It was not merely that there had been no coquetting, but there had been simple unconsciousness on Ruth’s part, for so long a time after Jemima had discovered Mr Farquhar’s inclination for her; and when at length she had slowly awakened to some perception of the state of his feelings, there had been a modest, shrinking dignity of manner, not startled, or emotional, or even timid, but pure, grave, and quiet; and this conduct of Ruth’s, Jemima instinctively acknowledged to be of necessity transparent and sincere. Now, and here, there was no hypocrisy; but some time, somewhere, on the part of somebody, what hypocrisy, what lies must have been acted, if not absolutely spoken, before Ruth could have been received by them all as the sweet, gentle, girlish widow, which she remembered they had all believed Mrs Denbigh to be when first she came among them! Could Mr and Miss Benson know? Could they be a party to the deceit? Not sufficiently acquainted with the world to understand how strong had been the temptation to play the part they did, if they wished to give Ruth a chance, Jemima could not believe them guilty of such deceit as the knowledge of Mrs Denbigh’s previous conduct would imply; and yet how it darkened the latter into a treacherous hypocrite, with a black secret shut up in her soul for years — living in apparent confidence, and daily household familiarity with the Bensons for years, yet never telling the remorse that ought to be corroding her heart! Who wa
s true? Who was not? Who was good and pure? Who was not? The very foundations of Jemima’s belief in her mind were shaken.
Could it be false? Could there be two Ruth Hiltons? She went over every morsel of evidence. It could not be. She knew that Mrs Denbigh’s former name had been Hilton. She had heard her speak casually, but charily, of having lived in Fordham. She knew she had been in Wales but a short time before she made her appearance in Eccleston. There was no doubt of the identity. Into the middle of Jemima’s pain and horror at the afternoon’s discovery, there came a sense of the power which the knowledge of this secret gave her over Ruth; but this was no relief, only an aggravation of the regret with which Jemima looked back on her state of ignorance. It was no wonder that when she arrived at home, she was so oppressed with headache that she had to go to bed directly.
Delphi Complete Works of Elizabeth Gaskell Page 101
