His face was almost purple with suppressed agitation.
“Mary and Elizabeth, leave the room. Don’t stay to pack up your books. Leave the room, I say!” He spoke with trembling anger, and the frightened girls obeyed without a word. A cloud passing over the sun cast a cold gloom into the room which was late so bright and beaming; but, by equalising the light, it took away the dark shadow from the place where Jemima had been standing, and her figure caught her father’s eye.
“Leave the room, Jemima,” said he.
“Why, father?” replied she, in an opposition that was strange even to herself, but which was prompted by the sullen passion which seethed below the stagnant surface of her life, and which sought a vent in defiance. She maintained her ground, facing round upon her father, and Ruth — Ruth, who had risen, and stood trembling, shaking, a lightning-fear having shown her the precipice on which she stood. It was of no use; no quiet, innocent life — no profound silence, even to her own heart, as to the Past; the old offence could never be drowned in the Deep; but thus, when all was calm on the great, broad, sunny sea, it rose to the surface, and faced her with its unclosed eyes and its ghastly countenance. The blood bubbled up to her brain, and made such a sound there, as of boiling waters, that she did not hear the words which Mr Bradshaw first spoke; indeed, his speech was broken and disjointed by intense passion. But she needed not to hear; she knew. As she rose up at first, so she stood now — numb and helpless. When her ears heard again (as if the sounds were drawing nearer, and becoming more distinct, from some faint, vague distance of space), Mr Bradshaw was saying, “If there be one sin I hate — I utterly loathe — more than all others, it is wantonness. It includes all other sins. It is but of a piece that you should have come with your sickly, hypocritical face, imposing upon us all. I trust Benson did not know of it — for his own sake, I trust not. Before God, if he got you into my house on false pretences, he shall find his charity at other men’s expense shall cost him dear — you — the common talk of Eccleston for your profligacy — ” He was absolutely choked by his boiling indignation. Ruth stood speechless, motionless. Her head drooped a little forward, her eyes were more than half veiled by the large quivering lids, her arms hung down straight and heavy. At last she heaved the weight off her heart enough to say, in a faint, moaning voice, speaking with infinite difficulty:
“I was so young.”
“The more depraved, the more disgusting you,” Mr Bradshaw exclaimed, almost glad that the woman, unresisting so long, should now begin to resist. But to his surprise (for in his anger he had forgotten her presence) Jemima moved forwards, and said, “Father!”
“You hold your tongue, Jemima. You have grown more and more insolent — more and more disobedient every day. I now know who to thank for it. When such a woman came into my family there is no wonder at any corruption — any evil — any defilement — ”
“Father!”
“Not a word! If, in your disobedience, you choose to stay and hear what no modest young woman would put herself in the way of hearing, you shall be silent when I bid you. The only good you can gain is in the way of warning. Look at that woman” (indicating Ruth, who moved her drooping head a little on one side, as if by such motion she could avert the pitiless pointing — her face growing whiter and whiter still every instant) — ”look at that woman, I say — corrupt long before she was your age — hypocrite for years! If ever you, or any child of mine, cared for her, shake her off from you, as St Paul shook off the viper — even into the fire.” He stopped for very want of breath. Jemima, all flushed and panting, went up and stood side by side with wan Ruth. She took the cold, dead hand which hung next to her in her warm convulsive grasp, and holding it so tight that it was blue and discoloured for days, she spoke out beyond all power of restraint from her father.
“Father, I will speak. I will not keep silence. I will bear witness to Ruth. I have hated her — so keenly, may God forgive me! but you may know, from that, that my witness is true. I have hated her, and my hatred was only quenched into contempt — not contempt now, dear Ruth — dear Ruth” — (this was spoken with infinite softness and tenderness, and in spite of her father’s fierce eyes and passionate gesture) — ”I heard what you have learnt now, father, weeks and weeks ago — a year it may be, all time of late has been so long; and I shuddered up from her and from her sin; and I might have spoken of it, and told it there and then, if I had not been afraid that it was from no good motive I should act in so doing, but to gain a way to the desire of my own jealous heart. Yes, father, to show you what a witness I am for Ruth, I will own that I was stabbed to the heart with jealousy; some one — some one cared for Ruth that — oh, father! spare me saying all.” Her face was double-dyed with crimson blushes, and she paused for one moment — no more.
“I watched her, and I watched her with my wild-beast eyes. If I had seen one paltering with duty — if I had witnessed one flickering shadow of untruth in word or action — if, more than all things, my woman’s instinct had ever been conscious of the faintest speck of impurity in thought, or word, or look, my old hate would have flamed out with the flame of hell! my contempt would have turned to loathing disgust, instead of my being full of pity, and the stirrings of new-awakened love, and most true respect. Father, I have borne my witness!”
“And I will tell you how much your witness is worth,” said her father, beginning low, that his pent-up wrath might have room to swell out. “It only convinces me more and more how deep is the corruption this wanton has spread in my family. She has come amongst us with her innocent seeming, and spread her nets well and skilfully. She has turned right into wrong, and wrong into right, and taught you all to be uncertain whether there be any such thing as Vice in the world, or whether it ought not to be looked upon as Virtue. She has led you to the brink of the deep pit, ready for the first chance circumstance to push you in. And I trusted her — I trusted her — I welcomed her.”
“I have done very wrong,” murmured Ruth, but so low, that perhaps he did not hear her, for he went on, lashing himself up.
“I welcomed her. I was duped into allowing her bastard — (I sicken at the thought of it) — ”
At the mention of Leonard, Ruth lifted up her eyes for the first time since the conversation began, the pupils dilating, as if she were just becoming aware of some new agony in store for her. I have seen such a look of terror on a poor dumb animal’s countenance, and once or twice on human faces. I pray I may never see it again on either! Jemima felt the hand she held in her strong grasp writhe itself free. Ruth spread her arms before her, clasping and lacing her fingers together, her head thrown a little back, as if in intensest suffering.
Mr Bradshaw went on:
“That very child and heir of shame to associate with my own innocent children! I trust they are not contaminated.”
“I cannot bear it — I cannot bear it!” were the words wrung out of Ruth.
“Cannot bear it! cannot bear it!” he repeated. “You must bear it, madam. Do you suppose your child is to be exempt from the penalties of his birth? Do you suppose that he alone is to be saved from the upbraiding scoff? Do you suppose that he is ever to rank with other boys, who are not stained and marked with sin from their birth? Every creature in Eccleston may know what he is; do you think they will spare him their scorn? ‘Cannot bear it,’ indeed! Before you went into your sin, you should have thought whether you could bear the consequences or not — have had some idea how far your offspring would be degraded and scouted, till the best thing that could happen to him would be for him to be lost to all sense of shame, dead to all knowledge of guilt, for his mother’s sake.”
Ruth spoke out. She stood like a wild creature at bay, past fear now. “I appeal to God against such a doom for my child. I appeal to God to help me. I am a mother, and as such I cry to God for help — for help to keep my boy in His pitying sight, and to bring him up in His holy fear. Let the shame fall on me! I have deserved it, but he — he is so innocent and good.”
Jemima stood by, dumb and pitying. Her sorrow was past her power. She helped in arranging the dress, with one or two gentle touches, which were hardly felt by Ruth, but which called out all Mr Bradshaw’s ire afresh; he absolutely took her by the shoulders and turned her by force out of the room. In the hall, and along the stairs, her passionate woeful crying was heard. The sound only concentrated Mr Bradshaw’s anger on Ruth. He held the street-door open wide, and said, between his teeth, “If ever you, or your bastard, darken this door again, I will have you both turned out by the police!”
He need not have added this, if he had seen Ruth’s face.
CHAPTER XXVII
Preparing to Stand on the Truth
As Ruth went along the accustomed streets, every sight and every sound seemed to bear a new meaning, and each and all to have some reference to her boy’s disgrace. She held her head down, and scudded along dizzy with fear, lest some word should have told him what she had been, and what he was, before she could reach him. It was a wild, unreasoning fear, but it took hold of her as strongly as if it had been well founded. And, indeed, the secret whispered by Mrs Pearson, whose curiosity and suspicion had been excited by Jemima’s manner, and confirmed since by many a little corroborating circumstance, had spread abroad, and was known to most of the gossips in Eccleston before it reached Mr Bradshaw’s ears.
As Ruth came up to the door of the Chapel-house, it was opened, and Leonard came out, bright and hopeful as the morning, his face radiant at the prospect of the happy day before him. He was dressed in the clothes it had been such a pleasant pride to her to make for him. He had the dark blue ribbon tied round his neck that she had left out for him that very morning, with a smiling thought of how it would set off his brown, handsome face. She caught him by the hand as they met, and turned him, with his face homewards, without a word. Her looks, her rushing movement, her silence, awed him; and although he wondered, he did not stay to ask why she did so. The door was on the latch; she opened it, and only said, “Upstairs,” in a hoarse whisper. Up they went into her own room. She drew him in, and bolted the door; and then, sitting down, she placed him (she had never let go of him) before her, holding him with her hands on each of his shoulders, and gazing into his face with a woeful look of the agony that could not find vent in words. At last she tried to speak; she tried with strong bodily effort, almost amounting to convulsion. But the words would not come; it was not till she saw the absolute terror depicted on his face that she found utterance; and then the sight of that terror changed the words from what she meant them to have been. She drew him to her, and laid her head upon his shoulder; hiding her face even there.
“My poor, poor boy! my poor, poor darling! Oh! would that I had died — I had died, in my innocent girlhood!”
“Mother! mother!” sobbed Leonard. “What is the matter? Why do you look so wild and ill? Why do you call me your ‘poor boy’? Are we not going to Scaurside-hill? I don’t much mind it, mother; only please don’t gasp and quiver so. Dearest mother, are you ill? Let me call Aunt Faith!”
Ruth lifted herself up, and put away the hair that had fallen over and was blinding her eyes. She looked at him with intense wistfulness.
“Kiss me, Leonard!” said she — ”kiss me, my darling, once more in the old way!” Leonard threw himself into her arms and hugged her with all his force, and their lips clung together as in the kiss given to the dying.
“Leonard!” said she at length, holding him away from her, and nerving herself up to tell him all by one spasmodic effort — ”listen to me.” The boy stood breathless and still, gazing at her. On her impetuous transit from Mr Bradshaw’s to the Chapel-house, her wild, desperate thought had been that she would call herself by every violent, coarse name which the world might give her — that Leonard should hear those words applied to his mother first from her own lips; but the influence of his presence — for he was a holy and sacred creature in her eyes, and this point remained steadfast, though all the rest were upheaved — subdued her; and now it seemed as if she could not find words fine enough, and pure enough, to convey the truth that he must learn, and should learn from no tongue but hers.
“Leonard — when I was very young I did very wrong. I think God, who knows all, will judge me more tenderly than men — but I did wrong in a way which you cannot understand yet” (she saw the red flush come into his cheek, and it stung her as the first token of that shame which was to be his portion through life) — ”in a way people never forget, never forgive. You will hear me called the hardest names that ever can be thrown at women — I have been, to-day; and, my child, you must bear it patiently, because they will be partly true. Never get confused, by your love for me, into thinking that what I did was right. — Where was I?” said she, suddenly faltering, and forgetting all she had said and all she had got to say; and then, seeing Leonard’s face of wonder, and burning shame and indignation, she went on more rapidly, as fearing lest her strength should fail before she had ended.
“And, Leonard,” continued she, in a trembling, sad voice, “this is not all. The punishment of punishments lies awaiting me still. It is to see you suffer for my wrongdoing. Yes, darling! they will speak shameful things of you, poor innocent child! as well as of me, who am guilty. They will throw it in your teeth through life, that your mother was never married — was not married when you were born — ”
“Were not you married? Are not you a widow?” asked he abruptly, for the first time getting anything like a clear idea of the real state of the case.
“No! May God forgive me, and help me!” exclaimed she, as she saw a strange look of repugnance cloud over the boy’s face, and felt a slight motion on his part to extricate himself from her hold. It was as slight, as transient as it could be — over in an instant. But she had taken her hands away, and covered up her face with them as quickly — covered up her face in shame before her child; and in the bitterness of her heart she was wailing out, “Oh, would to God I had died — that I had died as a baby — that I had died as a little baby hanging at my mother’s breast!”
“Mother,” said Leonard, timidly putting his hand on her arm; but she shrunk from him, and continued her low, passionate wailing. “Mother,” said he, after a pause, coming nearer, though she saw it not — ”mammy darling,” said he, using the caressing name, which he had been trying to drop as not sufficiently manly, “mammy, my own, own dear, dear, darling mother, I don’t believe them — I don’t, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t!” He broke out into a wild burst of crying as he said this. In a moment her arms were round the poor boy, and she was hushing him up like a baby on her bosom. “Hush, Leonard! Leonard, be still, my child! I have been too sudden with you! — I have done you harm — oh! I have done you nothing but harm,” cried she, in a tone of bitter self-reproach.
“No, mother,” said he, stopping his tears, and his eyes blazing out with earnestness; “there never was such a mother as you have been to me, and I won’t believe any one who says it. I won’t; and I’ll knock them down if they say it again, I will!” He clenched his fist, with a fierce, defiant look on his face.
“You forget, my child,” said Ruth, in the sweetest, saddest tone that ever was heard, “I said it of myself; I said it because it was true.” Leonard threw his arms tight round her, and hid his face against her bosom. She felt him pant there like some hunted creature. She had no soothing comfort to give him. “Oh, that she and he lay dead!”
At last, exhausted, he lay so still and motionless, that she feared to look. She wanted him to speak, yet dreaded his first words. She kissed his hair, his head, his very clothes, murmuring low, inarticulate, moaning sounds.
“Leo
nard,” said she, “Leonard, look up at me! Leonard, look up!” But he only clung the closer, and hid his face the more.
“My boy!” said she, “what can I do or say? If I tell you never to mind it — that it is nothing — I tell you false. It is a bitter shame and a sorrow that I have drawn down upon you. A shame, Leonard, because of me, your mother; but, Leonard, it is no disgrace or lowering of you in the eyes of God.” She spoke now as if she had found the clue which might lead him to rest and strength at last. “Remember that, always. Remember that, when the time of trial comes — and it seems a hard and cruel thing that you should be called reproachful names by men, and all for what was no fault of yours — remember God’s pity and God’s justice; and though my sin shall have made you an outcast in the world — oh, my child, my child!” — (she felt him kiss her, as if mutely trying to comfort her — it gave her strength to go on) — ”remember, darling of my heart, it is only your own sin that can make you an outcast from God.”
Delphi Complete Works of Elizabeth Gaskell Page 103
