“I don’t know where he is, baby. But it’s well passed his time to check in.”
I stood dumbfounded, trying to process what he was actually telling me. I thought he was telling me something had happened to Jamie. But that couldn’t be right. It was ridiculous to think something had happened to him. Nothing could happen to him.
I backed away. Away from the hands that reached for me. They wanted to comfort me, but I didn’t need comforting. Jamie was coming back. “I want to talk to Noah.”
“Noah is not here.”
“Where is he?” My world was spinning out of control; my dad, the driveway, spinning with dizzying speed and I fought to keep my footing.
“He went looking for him.”
“So Jamie’s missing?” If Jamie were missing, Noah would find him. He had to. Jamie gone wasn’t possible. Anything beyond that was unthinkable.
“Erin, there was an explosion. I can’t go into the details…”
I shook my head and backed away. This couldn’t be right. My dad was still talking. His mouth was moving, but I couldn’t hear him for the blood rushing to my head and the heart pounding in my chest.
Boat. Explosion. Recovery.
Recovery not rescue. I heard the words but refused to understand their meaning.
“You think Jamie is dead?” My mind froze around the thought. That’s what he was saying, wasn't it?
“All the evidence points to that, yes.”
“What evidence? Have you recovered a body?” I couldn’t believe what I was asking. Couldn’t believe we were talking about Jamie like this. As if there was the possibility he was dead. I clutched my chest, at the ache growing, threatening to split my ribs wide open.
“Erin,” his voice was exceedingly gentle as though I were a small child without the ability to understand. And I didn’t want to understand. I didn’t want to understand his next words, but I did.
“There isn’t likely to be one. The location of the explosion has made recovery difficult at best. And the weather in the region isn’t helping with the search efforts."
Oh God. I covered my ears, the horror of what he was implying stopped my heart. No. I wouldn’t think of Jamie like that. His body mangled beyond recognition. His remains at the mercy of the ocean and the currents and the predators.
“I don't believe you,” I said as I launched myself at him and gripped his arms because surely this couldn’t be it. He had to be lying. Why would he tell me these awful, horrible lies?
“I told you. There was an explosion. Recovery efforts have yielded very little. No proof of Jamie’s whereabouts. No proof that he survived. It’s been hours, Erin.”
Time enough that if Jamie were alive, if he were capable, he’d be here. The Deep would heal him, but if he'd been in an explosion, if the damage had been severe enough, even I knew she couldn't completely put him back together.
Oh God.
I spun around and half ran, half stumbled my way down the path that led to the beach like I’d done so many times over the last weeks, and Jamie was always there. He was always waiting for me.
I didn’t stop until I reached the shoreline. An angry wind whipped my hair. Waves crashed in quick succession, a tumultuous sound. I searched the horizon. My dad had said the weather was a problem in the search efforts. All I could see was a blue, cloudless sky, and a sun so bright it was blinding. How far away from home had he been?
Mrs. Jacobs was walking up the beach with her dark head bent and her feet dragging in the tide. When she reached me, she lifted her hand and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. Her eyes were red and puffy as though she'd been crying. Did she believe my dad? Had she given up too?
“He’s coming back,” I said, my lip trembling.
“I hope so.” She closed her eyes and turned her face toward the mist of water coming off the waves. “I hope so.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
I sat in the exact spot Jamie and I had shared a picnic, hugging my knees to my chest. One of my hands was curled around the pearl hanging from my neck as if by holding on to it I could hold Jamie here in this world. It was still warm, wasn't it? That had to mean something.
The sun had set hours ago, but I hadn’t moved, stubbornly refusing to go in the house. I wondered if I was cold. I wondered why my parents and Maggie kept hovering over me. Why they kept trying to persuade me to go inside. I wondered why they’d given up hope.
Jamie was coming back and I had to be here when he did. I had to greet him when he came out of the water. I needed to tell him I’d felt our baby move.
“I brought you a blanket.” My mom dropped beside me, her cheeks red from the cold and wind. She wrapped the blanket around my shoulders, tucking it under my chin. I wiped my nose, ignoring the numbness in my face. My eyes stung, but I blinked the tears away. Tears would be like admitting I believed my dad. And I didn’t. I couldn’t.
My mom sat with me for a while. She knew better than to start a conversation. I’d barely spoken a complete sentence since I’d entrenched myself on the beach.
Mrs. Jacobs had worn a new path from the beach to the house. I could see her and my dad out of the corner of my eye, and I tried not to watch, tried not to listen when she broke down and covered her face with her hands, her cries heavy on the wind.
And still I wouldn’t give up hope. He’d come back. He'd promised he would. He'd promised so many things and Jamie kept his promises. He wouldn’t leave me. He loved me.
Jamie, where are you?
Minutes later, or it might have been an hour, my mom tried once again to coax me indoors.
“Come inside.”
“No.”
“Erin, it’s cold.”
“Leave me alone, Mom. Please.”
She sighed and finally turned back to the house, and still I waited.
I don't know how long it was before I saw him, a dark silhouette coming out of the water.
“Jamie!” I threw off the blanket and lurched to my feet, running to meet him. “Jamie!”
My eyes wanted to see. My ears wanted to hear his voice, but it wasn’t Jamie’s voice I heard. It was Noah’s.
“Erin.” Noah's hands circled my arms. “It’s me.”
“Where is he, Noah?” My voice broke and I choked back the sob I’d been holding in all day. I'd been convinced Noah would find him. Noah wouldn't come home without him. “Where is he?” I grabbed him and shook him, demanding an answer. “Where is he?”
“I don’t know.”
Ignoring the water dripping from his skin and hair, I collapsed against him. He gathered me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me, holding me up, or I might have been holding him up.
“Where is he?” I asked again.
“I don’t know.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
I could see the guys through the window from where I was perched on the edge of Jamie's bed. It seemed that was all I had done for the last seven weeks. Sit. Wait. Hope.
Donovan, Tate, Ross, and Lassiter stood stoic, their stances braced, their small cohesive group set apart from the members of Jamie's tribe that had gathered on the beach. They'd all come to say goodbye. They were waiting for me to perform the ceremony. I couldn't think of it as a funeral. I couldn't believe he was gone. How could I believe such a thing when I'd been so happy?
A soft knock sounded at the bedroom door. I wished whoever it was would go away. I refused to participate in this farce. Jamie was coming back.
"Erin." My dad stepped into the room.
My gaze shifted from the window to my lap and the hands I held clasped there.
"I don't want to go," I said. I knew I sounded like a petulant child, but I couldn't help it. He had to know I couldn't go out there.
His sigh was heavy as he made his way over to the bed and crouched in front of me, covering my hands with his.
"I know how hard this for you, but this isn't all about you."
Did he know how hard it was? How impossible? If he knew, he wouldn't be aski
ng me to go out there with all those people who had given up hope.
"I don't want to go," I said more forcefully, meeting his gaze. What sympathy I might have seen in the softness of his features fled with his next words. His blue eyes sharpened over his black shirt and the pressure of his grip on my hands increased.
"Well, that's too bad because you're going."
I started at the command in his tone, the determination in his expression. It was the first time he'd been remotely harsh with me in the seven weeks since he'd told me Jamie wasn't coming back.
"You're not the only one hurting. Lara and Noah, they need this. They need you."
My gaze once again wandered to the window. How could I do this? I felt as if my fingers held to the cliff's edge of what was left of my hope. Going out there with all those people, participating in their ceremony, would be like letting go and falling. I wouldn't survive such a fall. I knew I wouldn't.
My dad rose to his feet and held his hand out to me. The invitation of his fingers wavered in front of my face. But they weren't an invitation. They were a demand. "Erin."
I placed my hand in his as my stomach pitched into my throat and my mind screamed, No. He coaxed me from the bed and from the sanctuary of Jamie's room—a room we'd shared for a few short weeks. My hand clutched the door frame in one last desperate protest until I was forced to let go, and I was swallowed by total bleakness.
Noah was standing by the windows in the living room staring out at the surf. The instant he turned and looked at me, I knew my dad had been right and underneath my grief I felt the stirrings of shame. Noah needed me, but I needed him more. I wouldn't have survived the last seven weeks without him. I walked over to him and he immediately grabbed my hand, holding so tightly I thought he might crush my fingers. I met the despondency in his gaze and begged him not to let go. I couldn't do this without him.
My dad stood with Mrs. Jacobs, his hand at the small of her back. My mother was somewhere out on that beach waiting with the others.
"Come on," Noah whispered and we followed Mrs. Jacobs and my dad out the door, my mind in full denial even as I let Noah lead me onward.
Unlike the day of our wedding, the waves created a different song. They rolled over in a heavy beat that dragged at my legs and drowned my heart.
It was always cold on the beach now, the wind always biting as the sun refused to rise high enough to chase away the chill that seemed to have settled in my heart. I welcomed it. The numbness was the only reason I could face the beach without Jamie.
I met Donovan's gaze and his jaw tightened as he blinked a few times to ward off the moisture growing in his eyes. Our fingers touched briefly and Tate and Lassiter offered me solemn nods, silent looks of sympathy. I clenched my teeth. I couldn't be here. This couldn't be happening.
Jamie's tribe parted, opening up a path to the water. Maggie stood on the shoreline, her skirts whipping in the breeze, her face turned to the sky. When Noah and I took our places beside Mrs. Jacobs, Maggie started singing.
Maggie's voice crooned over the wash of the waves, the melody a sad lament, a song without words, but I felt the meaning in every desolate note. It was a goodbye, a farewell. My eyes swelled and burned with unshed tears, but I blinked them away, refusing to allow the haunting melody to touch me. I clutched tighter to Noah's hand and leaned against his shoulder, the fabric of his shirt soft on my cheek, the muscle underneath knotted and tense.
The song ended and I braced myself when Mrs. Jacobs walked into the surf, the foamy waves soaking the hem of her dress. She opened her hand to the sky and Jamie's pearls gleamed in the sun, making them pulse with life. Her lips moved though I couldn't hear her words and I was glad of it. I didn't want to hear her say goodbye. My chest grew impossibly tight. My hand rose to my throat and I covered the pearl Jamie had put around my neck on the last morning I'd seen him. I bit the inside of my mouth to keep myself from crying out when she tossed the palmful of pearls into the waves.
Noah had warned me about this part of the ceremony, but it didn't lessen the impact of my reaction to seeing those tiny pieces of Jamie being scattered in the surf and washing out to sea. All I could think was why? Why give her anything else of him when she's already taken it all.
Noah squeezed my fingers tighter as if he could read my thoughts. As if he knew how much I wanted to chase those pieces of Jamie and gather them for myself and hold onto them forever. As if he wanted to do the same thing.
One by one, the members of Jamie's tribe waded into the surf and one by one they disappeared into its depths until only Mrs. Jacobs and Noah remained. And then she too cast off her shawl and dove into a crashing wave. Without knowing why, the sight of it made me angry. The moment I feared came when Noah dropped my hand, and I was once again without an anchor and left adrift.
His eyes were apologetic as he pulled his shirt over his head, and I knew a moment of complete desolation as I watched him dive into the Gulf.
My heart throbbed with jealousy. They'd find comfort in the Deep and with each other. They'd be closer to Jamie, closer than I would ever get. My hands curled under my round stomach. I closed my eyes when Lyla moved as though she were reaching out to me and reminding me she was still there, reminding me that through her I would always have a part of Jamie with me. It should have made me feel better, less alone, but it didn't. I missed him so much.
My dad's hands fell heavy on my shoulders. "Come on, let's go back to the house."
I wrapped myself in a self hug, shying away from Donovan's attempt to touch me. Shying away from the commiseration in Tate's eyes. Not even Maggie's lyrically spoken words of sympathy could penetrate the barrier I'd erected. I was beyond consolation and the last thing I wanted any of them to do was try and make me feel better when there was nothing that could make me feel better, nothing that could take away the hopelessness that had plagued me for weeks.
Once we reached the house, I headed straight for Jamie's room. I still thought of it as Jamie's room even though I'd been sleeping in it—or trying to—for almost two months without him. Two months during which my mom would have to remind me to eat. And like I had done for the last two months, I stared at the picture of us on the dresser, dry-eyed and soul empty. I read through his text messages that were still on my phone until my vision watered and my heart hurt so badly I couldn't breathe. I’d put on one of his shirts, the one that smelled the most like him and lay on his bed with the windows open, listening to the waves roll. My hand stayed on my stomach and every time I felt her move I would tell Jamie, my lips moving in a quiet whisper, and hope somehow he heard me.
"Hey." Noah's voice sounded from the doorway.
"Hey." I sat up, surprised to see Noah so soon, but when I gazed out the window it was to find the sun had set and the room had grown dark, the hours passing as they always did with me unaware.
Noah's eyes were shadowed. His was a face meant to smile and I hadn’t seen him smile in weeks. I doubted I would ever smile again, but unlike Noah, solemn suited me.
He sat on the edge of the bed, holding a small tan box out to me. "I made you something."
I took it, my fingers trembling and placed the box in my lap. When I could only sit and stare at it, he reached over and lifted the lid. Lying in a bed of fine velvet was a small bracelet. Strung among the intricate pattern of the woven leather were three tiny pearls of the palest green. My breath hitched.
“It’s for Lyla,” he said, clearing his throat.
My finger hovered over each pearl almost afraid to touch them, and when I did, I swore I felt him. I swore I heard him whisper my name. The feeling settled over me, but it brought little comfort. My whole body ached for him.
“Did you make this?" My voice cracked on a whisper.
“Yeah," he said as we both gazed at the small bracelet. It was so tiny and so beautiful, the details so intricate as though he'd poured his grief into making it. I wished I had such an outlet.
"It's beautiful." And like always when we were together, d
espair washed over me. I leaned into him and his arm came around my shoulder, and I breathed him in and it was almost as though it were Jamie I smelled.
"He's not coming back is he?"
Noah pressed his mouth into my hair, refusing to answer.
Chapter Twenty-Six
The days following Jamie's funeral passed in a pattern of sameness. I didn't know why I continued to torture myself by coming to the beach. Jamie consumed my thoughts, but when I was here it was as if he consumed me. I felt his touch in the wind. I heard his voice in the waves. His smell was everywhere.
He'd insisted magic lived in the Deep; some presence that called to him and comforted him. I wanted to feel that magic. I wanted it to touch me and comfort me. I was so tired of feeling nothing but pain every time I took a breath.
I held the necklace he'd given me in my hand, the pearl that matched Jamie's eyes, but it didn't look like Jamie's eyes anymore. The pearl was dull and lifeless, the magic of it gone.
I want to say I didn’t know what I was doing. That had I been aware, I would never have risked myself or my baby. I just wanted the magic. I needed it to touch me and make me whole. One touch, that was all I needed, one lap of one wave over my feet.
It felt good when the water washed over my feet, but it wasn’t enough. I needed more. I needed to be closer to him. I didn’t fear the waves. How could I when the worst had already happened? When it felt as though my life was already over? Danger didn't exist for me here. He’d come. I knew he would. Jamie would never let anything happen to me. And somehow I felt him, the promise of him luring me farther into the Deep, and I imagined I heard him calling my name as the waves crashed over me. I imagined I felt the strength of his arms lifting me up, holding me, keeping me safe. Keeping us safe.
I was floating, blissfully numb, and I gave myself over to the feeling. Feeling nothing was good.
Then I saw him coming out of the Deep. I’d been right. He wouldn’t let anything happen to me. I waited for his touch. I waited for him to save me. I waited for him to breathe his life into me.
Summer's Last Breath (The Emerald Series) Page 20
