by Lake, Rae B.
This shit again. I didn't have the patience or the emotional capacity right now to deal with this shit. I can't come back. I would be lying to them and myself if I said that I was in the right frame of mind to be a part of all this again. I don't trust myself. If I can't trust myself then how can I expect them to trust me? It can't happen.
"Clean, go somewhere with that." I flip my hand up and try to walk away.
He grabs me hard by my arm and turns me back in his direction.
"You still loyal to that patch brother?" He moves in close so he can talk into my ear.
"Fuck yes. You know I am." I answer right away.
"Then look below mine and remember your place." My eyes roll down below his Wings of Diablo patch to the President tags. He's right I'm being disrespectful as fuck to someone who is supposed to be the president of our founding chapter.
"My bad." I take a step back and address him how I should.
"Come, let's talk." Clean walks past me and straight towards church expecting me to follow.
When we get inside and close the doors all the sound from the outside disappears. I can still feel the bass through the floorboards, but no more sound.
"Wire. What the hell are you trying to prove?" Clean asks before we even have a chance to fully sit down at the table.
"Excuse me? What do you mean what am I trying to prove? I'm not trying to prove shit. I'm doing what I need to do."
"Yeah? And what the fuck is that exactly, because all I see is you riding around the fucking country with no back up putting yourself at risk. I see you punishing yourself for some shit that none of us saw coming. Yeah, you were the president and you should have seen it, but you've paid the price already. Stop this shit. There is nothing to gain from you staying nomad." He speaks quickly and his cheeks get red as he does. Clean has been thinking about this for a long time.
"Do you think that I would do that shit again? That I would let traitors into our clubhouse?" I ask.
"No, of course not."
"I think I will. I say that because I don't even know how I did it in the first place. I don't know where I went fucking left Clean. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought that I was making the club stronger and look what I did. You may be willing to run into the fire for me, but I don't want that fucking responsibility. I don't want to be the one to get my family killed or our women hurt. I'm fucking broken Clean. Double guessing every fucking decision, I have ever made, and I don't see that shit stopping any time soon." I lean forward in the chair so he can see how serious I am. "Clean you're all better off without someone like me here."
Clean leans back in his chair, the seat of the president, one that used to be mine. "Wire, you think I want this responsibility? I don't. I'm not built for this shit and we both know it. I'm only here, because I'm next in the fucking line. You don't think I make mistakes? Because I can fucking assure you that I do. This isn't a perfect fucking life, there is always going to be risk and pain. But if we are fucking together then we can fucking get through it. You fucked up when you started listening to those outside of our brotherhood, but that’s something that can be fixed."
"Then fix it."
Clean jumps out of his seat and pounds his hands down on the table, "What the fuck do you think I'm trying to do? You think I'm over here twiddling my goddamn thumbs? I'm fixing your goddamn mess when it should be your ass doing it. Even if I'm the president of this club for the rest of my life, every single one of them and every fucking ally we ever had would follow you before they follow me. I'm doing what needs to be done here only because you are too chicken shit to realize that it's you that needs to be doing it." He takes a quick breath to calm himself down. "Wire, we need you. All of us, we need you home. Everything will be ok. Tell us what you need, and we can make sure that you get it, but stop running away from your family."
That must be what he feels like I'm doing. That I'm abandoning them.
"Barry, you will always be my brother even if I never step another foot into this clubhouse. These bikers here will always be my family, but until I know for sure that I have confidence in myself I can't allow you all to follow a leader who can fuck up as thoroughly as I did. I can't do it. "
Clean leans back in his chair and puts a hand over his face. When he pulls his hands down and I can see his face I'm surprised at what I see—the bags under his eyes, the slight wrinkles at the corners of his mouth from all the scowling. Being President is a drain on him physically. I don't know how I didn't see it before. This responsibility has broken stronger men.
"You can do this Clean. You might not think you were made to lead, but I know you can."
He laughs, "Oh yeah, I can do it, but there is no one here that will ever say that I do it better than you."
I know he isn't trying to play with me, but I just can't understand how he can say something like that? His wife was brutalized, because of the people that I’d kept around us. He lost his son, because of me. How can he really think that I'd make a better leader than him?
"You look like you just bit into something nasty." Clean speaks up and I’m jarred out of my own thoughts.
"Do you mean that Clean? After everything that happened, because of the people that I put us around, do you really think that there is no one better than me for the job? Does Maven feel that way?"
The slight smile on his face drops as he looks over to the side, finally understanding what I'm getting at. "You realize it was me who brought the Spawns into our lives. It was all of us that decided to send our women to the charity event with no protection. You were the leader, but the decisions were never all yours. Stop killing yourself over this. None of us want you to suffer anymore and that is exactly what you’re doing to yourself. Killing yourself for something no one even blames you for anymore."
I let my head hit the back of the chair. I wish that were true. I know one person for sure who still blames me for that shit. "Tell that to Keeley."
"Keeley! Thank fuck. You two finally working shit out? Where is she?"
"Whoa boy, you moving way too fast. I only just got her phone number. I don't know where they are, and she barely wants to talk to me. She doesn't trust me to keep her safe or Lily."
"It'll take a little time, but the fact that she is even answering the phone is progress. You know she loves you."
I open my eyes and look at him. "That's what she says. That she still loves me, but that's just one more thing that I don't deserve."
"Hmm, sounds like the both of you need to talk to Duo."
"Duo? Storm's woman?"
"Oh yeah, I guess you didn't really get the whole genealogy on her, huh. That's your cousin-in-law."
What the fuck?
"What are you talking about? How is she my cousin-in-law?"
"She's Keeley's cousin. Her father is Marko Juric's brother."
"Bullshit!" I stand up now, how many other family members did I not know about. For fuck’s sake, over the past couple of days I’d figured out that I have a father and siblings that I didn't know about. Now I have a cousin that's been living right here with my club and I didn't even notice. It felt like I was a part of a big prank that no one was letting me in on.
"I swear it. I even saw Sven and her father myself."
"Ain't this a bitch." I turn to the door and just as I put my hand on the knob, I remember my place. He didn't dismiss me. "Are we done?"
"Yeah, I'm coming right behind you."
I rush out of church and make my way through the crowd. They part for me as if they are showing me some type of reverence. Though I wish that they wouldn't. I make my way over to Storm, the man that was once a brother to my enemy. Prospect rags on his back as he boxes in his woman against the bar.
When I get behind him Mack shoots me a worried glance. He probably thought I was going to start some shit with him, but there was nothing that I could say about the decision to fold Storm back in. He was dealt a shit hand and had made up for the wrong that he did. If Clean says he belongs
with us than that is where he belongs.
I tap him on the shoulder, "Storm, I need to lay eyes on your woman for a second."
He turns and at first I think he is going to say something about my request. Instead, he just nods and takes a step back.
The woman that they call Duo is a beautiful warm brown color and has a lot of curly light brown hair, but what I was looking for was the telltale sign of the Juric family. Sure enough, even though she has two different colored eyes, one was that unique bright gold color, but the other was a light blue. This was for sure a relative of Keeley. I've never seen anyone with these colors of eyes. Fuck I've never even seen any one with contacts this color.
"You're a Juric?"
She smiles and grabs my hand, "Come, let's go talk." She leans over and kisses Storm. Before she leads me away towards one of the back rooms.
Once we get behind one of the doors, she sits and waits for me to talk. "You wanted to talk to me?"
"Yes, how did I not know about you?'
"Maybe you did. Orza?"
Fuck, I roll my eyes, I do remember Keeley talking about her. "You're right I did know. I know this might go against everything that you want to do, but can you tell me where Keeley is?"
She shakes her head and looks away. "I wish I could. I know that you're suffering, even I can see that from here. I have no idea where she is."
"Do you think you could find anyone who would tell you where she is?"
"No, you know that's not how our family works. If she wants to be hidden than that is what will happen. There is nothing that any of us can do about that."
"Fuck don't I know it." I lean against the door and look at my feet. I would just have to work harder on getting Keeley to tell me where she is.
"You know that what happened here at the clubhouse isn't your fault, right?"
My eyes pop back up to hers.
"What? How would you know? You weren't here. Thank fuck for that, but you can ask any of the wives that were here before and all of them will tell you what I let happen."
"I have already talked to all of them and none of them blame you. Some of them still blame themselves, some blame dead men, hell some even blame the fucking captain of the boat, but no one, not a single one of them blames you."
My mouth opens and I snap it shut before I could open it again, looks like I'm going to have to give her the same answer that I gave Clean.
"My wife blames me."
She has the nerve to laugh, "I doubt that. Strongly."
"She told me that she did."
"Is that what she said? That she blamed you for that man holding her down and taking a part of her away?"
"Not word for word, but ..."
Duo cuts me off before I can finish, "Than that isn't what she is blaming you for. You didn't do that to her. She may blame you for after … for shutting down, for not fixing the problem, or for not fighting harder for her, there are a slew of things that she could be blaming you for, but what happened to her isn’t it."
I have nothing to say to that. I hope it's true. I hope that Keeley can look at me and know I would never let something like that happen to her if I could help it. I want her to trust me like she did before. I miss my wife.
"Come on, let's go back to the party. I'm sorry that I can't be of more help to you."
"It's ok. I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. Giving me some perspective." I put my hand out for her to shake. She scoffs and pulls me into a hug.
"We're family Wire. She loves you. You have to fight for her." She pulls back looking into my eyes.
"With every fucking breath I have I will fight for her."
"Good, then it won't be long."
We walk out the door, but instead of me going back to the party I decide to go out back. I'm not really in a partying mood right now. I trudge my way up to the tree in the back of the compound. Under it, markers that show where our family is buried. I sit right by Alex's marker. My mentor, the man that I’d looked to for everything. Even when he went off the deep end, I still went to him for everything. Now he's gone and I feel like I can't keep my head above water.
"Why didn't you warn me about this shit? You knew what would happen. There is no way that you couldn't know what was going to happen? It feels like anyone who wears that president’s patch ends up losing it all. I feel like such a fucking failure. What do I do? How can I come back to them? I don't deserve their loyalty. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so fucked up. I need you. I don't know how to fix this." I fight against the tears threatening to spill from my eyes.
There was a movement to the side of me and in an instant, I had my gun out and pointed at whoever was trying to sneak up on me.
"Pope, man what the fuck! I could have shot you right in the fucking head." I put the gun right back where I had it.
"My bad Wire I didn't mean to disturb you, but it seemed like you were having a moment."
"Yeah, it was a private moment. What the fuck are you doing out here?"
"Oh, you know even while we play someone has to make sure that no one is stupid enough to roll up on us." He looks back towards the horizon.
He was doing a perimeter run. Good fucking job. "That's good. Has there been any threats that I need to be aware of? Anything with Rooster?"
"No, it's like that bastard has fallen all the way off the grid. He knows that we are all coming for him. Even the fucking spawns exiled him completely and are looking for him."
"Yeah?" That was news to me. Though I didn't know how much of it I would say that I believed, these were the same people that I had called brother. The same ones, who had used me and my club as a front for their shady business.
"Yeah, Shepard took over. They are doing a whole fucking rehaul. It's admirable." Pope shrugs and takes a step in my direction.
"Admirable? You think all of them have changed. They are only looking out for themselves." I would never trust them again no matter what any of them said to me. They were all fucking snakes in the grass.
"Yeah, I don't doubt that. But then again just because they are looking out for themselves doesn't mean that they are bad folks … just selfish, everyone can make amends. I don't think selling women off to the highest bidder is Shepard's motive of operation. Drugs on the other hand is a whole other story." Pope laughs slightly before he crosses his arms over his chest. The look on his face tells me that he was about to divulge something I didn't want to hear. "So, I heard what you said. I wasn't trying to spy, but I was standing right here."
I roll my eyes and start back toward the clubhouse. I didn't need another person telling me how it’s not my fault or that I didn't need to feel like this. "Yeah, don't worry about it."
He rushes to get in front of me. Pope is a newly patched member, but he was around for all the bullshit.
"Look, just hear me out." He puts his hands up so that I stop, "I know what you're going through, I've been there myself. Fuck, I'm still there."
"What the fuck are you talking about? You know shit about what I'm going through, none of you do." I scream in his face.
"I do, I know that no matter how many of us tell you that it's not your fault it'll never do anything to take away the guilt. You need to figure out how to live with it. You need to figure out how to get the fuck back up with this heavy weight on your shoulders and come out the leader that you once were. It'll kill you if you don't ... I killed my son."
Suddenly all the anger that I was just feeling evaporated, what the fuck? How did I not know about this?
"What? Are you serious?"
"Yes, I did. I didn't pull the trigger, but I put him in a situation that he shouldn't have ever been in. I used to be heavy into smuggling and forgery, all the way up to the highest fucking level. But my woman told me that they were getting too comfortable with me. That it was becoming the norm now for someone to show up in the middle of the night and just drop some shit off without me knowing anything about it. She told me that we would be the ones to suffer, because of it. I didn'
t listen though. Instead, I was so sure that they all had my back, that I was irreplaceable. They set me up, made it look like I was skimming off the top. When they came to me looking for product that I didn't have … they laid my baby in my lap and blew his brains out. He was only 4." Tears rest heavily on his eyelashes and the wind forces them down his face.
"I was lost after that. I was worth shit to my wife. The rest of my family gave up on me. I had nothing to offer anyone, because I knew that I would never trust another decision that I made. I mean how could I if I didn't see what was coming down the line. How could I say that I was the one to protect my family when it was my decision that took Blaine away from me. After a few years of doing nothing, and I mean nothing, but breathing I figured out that the pain is never going to end. I'm never going to feel better about what I did, but I could hold the pain and still live. I spent the next five years in a monastery training to be a priest. All the while just trying to find a way to atone, find a way to help others. To this day I know it was my own actions that destroyed my life, but I can work on not doing the same things again. I can make sure no one else does it as well. Trust me when I say that you have to pull yourself out of this, you going from place to place trying to outrun your guilt is never going to work. It'll be with you for the rest of your life."
I had nothing to say, part of me wondered if he could be right? Did I need to accept what I'd done and just make it a part of who I was now?
"I'm sorry man. I had no idea."
"Yeah, it's not something that I go around announcing to everyone." He wipes his face, but doesn't look away from me.
"How did you start? I don't even know what the first step is." I admit to him.
"The first step is believing in yourself. Everyone knows that you are a good man, it's time you believe it too. Just think about it. These boys need you. We all do." He puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes once before he walks off.
I would have never thought from looking at him that he was so haunted.
A buzz in my pocket takes my attention away from the older man that just dropped some knowledge on me. When I look down at the screen, I recognize Brendan's number. Maybe he has some information about Keeley.
