by Lake, Rae B.
I turn to Max and rub his head, his tail wags like crazy. "Zaštiti je," I tell him and push him towards Lily. He takes a position right in front of her and I know that he's not going to let anything bad happen to my kid.
"Oh please, she doesn't need protecting from Fly. He's a good man." Keeley tosses a hand up in the air.
"Go on, Lily. I'll watch through the window, ok?"
"Ok Daddy." She turns and walks out the door. I go to the window and pull the curtain all the way back so I can see her walking the short distance to that man's house. It was about 100 hundred feet or so. When she knocks on the door the man opens right away.
"Key?" He shouts back.
Keeley walks over to the door, "I'm fine, my husband and I need to talk." The word talk slides out of her mouth like fucking poison.
I look over to where Roth is sitting and see through the windshield that he is keeping an eye on everything that is going on. Just in case.
Keeley closes the door and I draw the blinds.
Let the fight begin.
"Who the hell do you think you are? What makes you think you can come in here now and tell me who my kid can be around?"
"Did you fucking forget that she is my kid too?" I don't hold back. Even though I know I'm supposed to be groveling, but I've done enough of that shit already. If she wanted to fight, then I was going to fight back. "Who the fuck is he?"
"What? Fly? He's my neighbor." She answers nonchalantly.
"What the fuck is your neighbor doing in your house at nearly 7 at night?"
"Do I have a fucking curfew now Dillon? He can stay as long as I want him to stay."
I squint my eyes at her, I log every part of her body language. "Are you fucking him?"
Her mouth drops open, "Excuse me? Did you just fucking ask me that?"
"Yes, the hell I did. You've been running away from me for months and when I finally am able to track you down you have some man in your house playing with my kid. So fuck yes, I'm asking you if you are fucking him." My face feels like it's on fire. Everything feels hot.
"No, you jack ass. He's just a friend. Someone I can depend on." That last part a verbal dagger straight at me.
"Keeley, you know you can depend on me. Nothing has changed in that regard."
"Yeah, can I depend on you? You don't even ask me who he is, just go straight into fighting. Not everything has to be solved with killing and guns. For fuck’s sake!" She yells out and turns away. I follow behind her. I'm not done.
"He put his fucking hands on me. I wasn't going to let that shit slide." I grab her shoulder and try to turn her around. She yanks out of my grasp like my hand was caked in shit.
"Don't touch me, Dillon. Don't put your hands on me." Her voice cracks and I can see her eyes filling up with tears.
She tightens her arms around herself. She is wearing a large, knitted pull over sweater and huge sweatpants. I get that she's home and maybe she was just looking to be comfortable, but why was everything she had on so big. It looked like she had gained a bit of weight too, maybe she was self-conscious about that? I didn't care if she was as big as a house, she would always be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
"Keeley." I take a step back, giving her the space she clearly wants. "I just want to talk to you. I've already told you that I fucked up. I already know that I caused so much shit to happen to the club and to you. I've been through hell and back trying to figure out what the hell I need to do to fix all of it, but I need you. We need to work this the fuck out."
She shakes her head and sits down on one of the stools that is by the corner of the room. "I don't know if we can work this out. I don't think this can be worked out." She doesn't look up at me.
"What? How can you say that shit? You don't love me anymore?" My heartbeat triples in speed. I can't lose her. I fucking can't. It feels like someone is sitting on my chest. Something rolls down my face and I feel sweat drop into my eyes. She was fucking leaving me. I rode all this way just to find out that she didn't want to be with me anymore.
"No, I'm not saying that. Of course, I still love you." She still isn't looking at me.
"Then what the fuck are you talking about. We've never not been able to work shit out." I take another step in her direction, but she leans back further in her chair. She doesn't want to touch me or for me to be near her. Maybe she is entertaining other men.
I've lost her.
"Keeley, don't fucking do this."
This hurts worse than it did when she had walked out of the clubhouse. I was angry when she did that, but I knew it was for the best. Part of me is relieved that someone else was going to be responsible for her wellbeing. I never thought I wasn't going to be able to get her back.
"You don't understand. You just think everything is black and white, that it can all just be swept under the rug. But some consequences are forever. You're not always going to be able to live with them. I know it. I know you. It'll be too much." She wipes her hand over her face to clear the tears, but fresh ones take their place. "I don't see how we can go back to how things were. It'll never be the same again."
Fuck, is it getting darker in here?
I pull my kutte off and toss it on the side table that she has there. When I look down at my person, I can see that my already dark shirt is even darker with sweat. I'm drenched.
I take another breath and try to calm myself. I know what this is. Keeley was the first one to tell me that I suffered from panic attacks. No matter how much shit I have been through these were always the fucking worst. Feeling like you have no control and you were going to die before you take your next breath. I try to release my hands from their clenched up state, but the second I do they clench back up as if my entire body is one clenched up muscle.
"Fucking hell, not now." I say to myself. I didn't have time to look weak right now. I was in a fight and definitely losing. I was losing my entire fucking world right now. The realization dawns on me that this could be the end. I have to put my head all the way back to try and get some air into my lungs. I can hear myself hyperventilating now.
"Dillon? Dillon what is it?' I hear Keeley get up from the chair that she is in and take a few steps toward me. My Princess, always caring about someone else. Fuck how did I mess this up so completely?
"Fuck!" I roar out and try to do some of the shit I have used over the years to get myself under control.
"Dillon, turn around and talk to me."
"What the fuck else is there to talk about. You've already made your goddamn decision!" I scream at her and swipe at the table that I'm standing next to. Keys and knick-knacks go flying across the room and I push my hands into my hair. "You can't fucking do this."
"Dillon, calm down."
"Calm down! How the fuck can I calm down? Tell me! How?" I'm screaming louder now, with every word she cringes back. "I know all the fucking consequences! I know what the fuck I allowed to happen. When are you going to let that shit go? It's in the past. It happened. It's over! I can't fucking lose you. I can't!" I try to take in a breath, but it feels like it just gets stuck right at the top of my throat. "Fuck!" I roar out and throw my hand into the wall. The pain zips up my arm, but it's not enough. I pull my hand back and hit the wall again. Again.
"Dillon no! Stop!" She yells at me, but I don't want to stop. The pain is better than this. Anything is better than realizing that she doesn't want me anymore.
"Dillon!" She screams for me again. Finally, she manages to sneak under my arm and wrap herself around my midsection pulling me away from the wall so I can't hit it anymore. I heave in another breath, but I still can't get enough oxygen. As much as I want her arms around me, I can't breathe, and I push her off.
"I can't fucking breathe. Shit."
"Sit. Come sit with me. You know how to do this. Please." She tries to lower herself down to the floor and I follow behind her like a little puppy.
She kneels next to me and wipes at my forehead and neck. "Just breathe Dillon. You're ok. Everything i
s ok. I'm here."
She soothes me and I look up into her gorgeous gold eyes to see if she means it. I can see how tired she is, she has bags under her eyes that weren't there before. I did this to her. When I met her, I knew she was an angel, but I just couldn't leave her alone. I made her mine and broke her. Now I can' t be without her. I don't fucking know how to live without Keeley.
"Keeley, what do you want me to do? You want me to give up the patch? Find a job behind a desk? I'll flip burgers. I'll do whatever you want me to do. I love you so much. Please." I lean my head down to hang between my legs. "Please, tell me how to fix this. You and Lily are my life. I'm fucking dying." I tell her the truth, that is exactly what it feels like. If I walk out of this house knowing that she is really gone for good, I'll die.
When I look back up to her, she has her hand to her mouth, and she is crying. "Please." I beg and my voice cracks and tears fall from my eyes.
"Oh Dillon, no." She throws her arms around my neck. "Please don't cry. I don't know how. " She kisses my face and my eyes, wipes my cheeks, touching me everywhere that she can. I can feel the love coming off of her. I don't know why we can't move on. She loves me.
I move my arms up and grab hold of her face. She whimpers. She knows what's coming. I press my mouth to hers.
I've found my heaven.
My body completely forgets its fight to get a good breath. I don't need to breathe, not when I have Keeley.
She is hesitant at first, but she gives in. I feel high with every press of her lips against mine. When she opens her mouth and lets my tongue delve inside, I grip her harder. She pushes her hands into my hair and tugs hard.
My body feels as if it’s wrapped in a cocoon of fucking pleasure, every touch every movement makes me want more.
She sucks on my lips and bites down slightly. A deep rumble rolls through my chest. I need her. I didn't come here for this, but now I know I can't leave without having her, even if it's going to be the last time. I double my efforts and pull her face to the side so I can get to her neck. I bite and lick at her as she moans in pleasure.
"Oh God … Dillon."
My mind is racing a million miles a minute. She rocks closer to me, but being on our knees there is still so much space between us. I reach for the thick sweater that she has on to pull it off. I need more of her and now.
She stills instantly and tries to back away, but I already have a grip on her shirt. I pull back and when I look in her eyes, I see something I don't expect to see. Panic.
Her hands go up to push me, but then she just drops them.
Why doesn't she want me to take her shirt off? I raise the bottom of it and let my hands roam over her skin.
"Oh fuck. What the fuck?" My eyes immediately drop down to her stomach.
"I told you already, some consequences are forever."
She leans down and in a fit of anger rips the sweater over her head leaving only the thin tank top she had on underneath. Showing me the perfectly round soccer ball in her stomach.
She's pregnant.
Dillon
"Keeley, you're pregnant?" My eyes have yet to leave her stomach.
"No shit Dillon. Did you think I didn't notice?" She snarls before she awkwardly gets up, pulling her sweater with her.
"Why wouldn't you tell me some shit like that?" The words that leave my mouth are measured. I'm angry, worried and feel so much, but I can't seem to move.
"I didn't even know if I needed to tell you anything."
My head pops up at that. Did she think I wouldn't take care of my kid, because that shit isn't happening.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I finally get up from the ground and stalk over to where she is.
"Dillon just leave it alone ok."
"The fuck I will, you're sitting over here fucking pregnant and you didn't think to tell me?"
I think back to Fly, the man that was very at home in her house. Is that why she didn't tell me? Because it's his? My stomach lurches up and I have to clamp my mouth shut to make sure that I don't spew chunks all over the place.
"Whose baby, is it?" The words are soft when they come out of my mouth.
She doesn't answer just shakes her head.
Fuck it is his. Oh fuck. "Keeley whose baby is it?" I get closer to her, I want to hear her say it out of her own fucking mouth that she'd laid down with that motherfucker and let him knock her up. She doesn't answer just continues to shake her head. Though now the tears are streaming down her face.
I grab her roughly by her arms and jerk her once, "I said whose fucking baby is it!" I yell into her face.
"I don't know!" She screams back
"The fuck do you mean you don't know? It takes two people to fuck." I snarl at her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch his name as he slammed me to the ground and raped me." Her eyes cut daggers into me even through the tears falling down her cheeks.
No.
Fuck no.
"This is from ..." I can't even bring myself to say it. Now I know what she was talking about. The consequences that neither one of us would be able to get past. The man that raped her had gotten her pregnant.
"I don't know. I won't be able to tell until the baby comes out. I tried to do the amino fluid test, but my body didn't tolerate it." She looks away.
I fall back down to the floor. She's absolutely right. This is one fucking consequence that I don't know if I can handle.
"Keeley ... I ..."
"I tried to abort it." She says, her hands balled up at her sides and her eyes focused on one spot on the floor. "When I figured out that I was pregnant I made an appointment to get it ripped out of my body. It felt like I was carrying the devil's spawn inside of me. That there was this monster inside of me draining me. That I was keeping safe the child of the man who'd raped me. I wanted to go inside my body and just rip it out. I even went to the appointment, but all my mind could think about was the last time you and I had sex … the day before that, what if this baby is yours? What if this little helpless child was made out of love? So, I couldn't go through with it. Every day I look in the mirror and see my body changing. I hate it. I hate this baby and then I feel guilty that I hate the baby, because I don't know who's it is. I feel like I'm going crazy. I know if it isn't yours, I'd give it up for adoption. Except then I would have given away a chunk of myself whether I wanted it or not, left out in the world trying to fight for itself. If I keep it, I'll be reminded every day of the man that brutalized me. I'll never be able to love it the way it should be. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that this is happening. That's why I can't forgive you, this is never going away and until I find out for sure who's it is then I don't know how to move on." By the time she finishes her face is splotchy, red, and wet from all the tears.
Even if I couldn’t handle it myself, I would handle it for her. Whatever feelings I had about the situation mean shit when it came to what she was going through. She needs all of my fucking support. It was my dumbass mistakes that got us in this situation, I couldn’t run away from them.
I stand up and walk over to her, this time when I grab for her face she doesn't pull away.
"That's my baby."
"Oh Dillon, you don't know ..."
I cut her off, "Keeley, there is no test, no bloodwork, nothing that will tell me any different. That is my kid. The fuck who hurt you will never have a claim to this baby even in death." I put my hands down and cup her round belly. "This is my baby. We will love this baby, it will grow, and Lily will love her new sibling. We will feed it, clothe it and make sure that it has everything it needs to survive whatever the world brings its way. I love it already." I kiss her once and then drop down to my knees in front of her stomach.
"Hey little one, how’s it going in there?"
Keeley breaks down into huge sobs at my words. She falls down and wraps her arms around my neck before she kisses me hard. I kiss her back just as hard showing her that nothing about this situation makes me want her any less. She ha
s every right to feel how she feels and if tomorrow she told me that she wanted to get rid of the baby I would sit in the waiting room with her.
"You mean this? Don't say this now just because you think it’s what I want to hear."
"Keeley, this baby is ours. Forever." I lean forward and kiss her again. When she starts pulling at my shirt, I let her take it off. I will do whatever she wants me to do.
"I need you Dillon so bad. You still want ... I mean, I know I'm diff-" More self-doubt. Nope, I refuse to let her think of herself as anything, but the beautiful woman that she is.
"I want all of you. It's been so fucking long. I'm going to destroy you" I lean down and nip at her neck.
"Oh God yes, I want all that. Please Dillon." She scratches at my neck and I pick her up making sure not to put too much pressure on her stomach. I've been with her while she was pregnant with Lily, but even I know each pregnancy is different. What she had liked then might not be what she likes now. I would have to learn her body all over again and I can't fucking wait. "Bedroom." My voice is gruff and laced with need.
"That one." She points over my shoulder and I turn in that direction to see two rooms. She lowers her mouth down to my face and kisses me all over. Her hands tugging and pulling me to go faster. I would give her the relief that she needs, but there is nothing about this that was going to be over fast. No, it's been months in the waiting.
I turn into the room that she's indicated and can see her bed is just a simple king-sized bed. There are a million pillows taking up most of the space.
"What the fuck is with all the goddamn pillows?" I do my best to push as many out of the way as I can without putting her down.
"You're not here, bed too empty." She says between breaths.
"I'm here now." I lay her down on the bed. Her hands go up to pull me down, but I don't let her. I pull her sweatpants and panties off with one tug. I quickly undo my pants, but leave my boxers on. I know if I take them off now there is nothing that is going to stop me from diving straight into her. I need to take care of her first, a few times at least.
