“I thought you two were just having fun,” Mav says, because Mav can’t mind his own fucking business. “I didn’t realize it was serious.”
“It’s not serious,” I say.
“It can be if you let it be,” Jessa retorts.
I don’t know what face I make, but I know I make one because she shakes her head, throws her napkin on the table, and storms off in the direction of the bathroom. I watch her bubbly ass until she disappears down the hall since it’ll probably be the last time I ever see it.
“You going to go after her?”
“No.”
“You serious?” Mav raises an eyebrow when I meet his eyes.
“You wanna go after her?”
“I can’t go after her. You already fucked her.”
“So?” Now I feel myself make a face. “You just said we weren’t serious.”
“Yeah, but that’s weird. Would you fuck your friend’s ex?” he asks, and I know he’s talking about Jo.
Maybe he’s not. My brother can be so dense sometimes. Either way, I ignore his statement. The fact of the matter is, Lawrence crossed the line first and technically I had Jo first. Lawrence knew I liked her and he went after her anyway, probably as a way to get back at me for not going to Duke and becoming one of his receivers. Well, fuck Lawrence and fuck Duke and fuck Bobby Yelich. I take another sip of my drink before setting it down. Josephine laughs again; this time her throaty laugh makes my heartbeat catch.
“Man, I didn’t know Bobby was that funny,” Mav says.
“He’s not.”
“You know him?”
“No.”
Mav chuckles. “You jealous?”
“Hell no.” I scowl.
“Sure looks like it.”
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out to see a text from Jessa.
Jessa: I’m leaving. I already got an Uber.
Me: I can take you.
Jessa: I don’t want you to.
Me: I don’t mind.
Jessa: What is this? What we’re doing? I thought maybe we were going somewhere.
Me: I told you I didn’t want a girlfriend. You said you didn’t want a boyfriend. I thought we had an agreement.
Jessa: We did.
Me: So?
Jessa: I like you. Things changed.
Me: Not for me.
She sends a sad face emoji and I put my phone away looking up just in time to see Mitch walking back to the table and Misty disappearing through the back door. Jo notices and gets up to go after her sister. Bobby and the other guy keep talking and dabbing like they won some kind of prize, but I focus on Mitch when he sits down. He looks over at me.
“Where’s Jessa?”
“She left.”
“Okay?” He frowns. “Alone?”
“She called an Uber.”
“Why?”
“What were you and Misty talking about?” I ask.
“Life. Just catching up.”
“Hm.” I take another sip of my drink. “Is that why she left looking pissed off?”
“Misty is her own person. I don’t decide how she reacts to the things we talk about.”
I laugh. “Okay, you fucking weirdo.”
“I asked her to come visit me in New York,” he says after a long, silent moment.
I blink. Mav blinks. The rest of the table is silent. The rest of the table are three guys from Mitch’s baseball team as well. It’s not like they’re untrustworthy or whatever but my brother isn’t much of a sharer so it surprises me that he said that aloud without a second thought.
“I take it she turned you down?” Yamil says across the table.
“Yep.” Mitch sighs heavily. “She says my first love will always be baseball and she’d always come second and she doesn’t think she can handle it and that if I do get signed she can’t bear to endure another heartbreak.”
“Did you tell her that wasn’t true and that baseball won’t always come first?” Mav asks.
“Why would I lie to her?” Mitch lets out a forced laugh. “She’s not wrong.”
“You two are going to die alone,” Mav says, shaking his head. “You’re so focused on yourselves that you forget you need other people.”
“Says the guy who spends more than half his time playing video games.”
“Hey, I’m getting paid to test out video games.” He shrugs a shoulder. “I’m okay with that.”
“For now. Wait till hockey season starts and you’re wrapped up in that,” Mitch says.
When the food arrives and it’s not Misty or Jo serving it, I start to wonder if they left. In the time between the food and the cheesecake, Henry comes over and starts talking to us with some friends, and I have to push Jo out of my mind, but not completely. Is she still outside? Is she coming back? Does she remember she promised to save me a slice of cake? It doesn’t matter. I’m getting cheesecake either way, but I want it to come from her. Even as I think this, I know it’s stupid, but it doesn’t make a difference. I’ve made up my mind. I’m going to have my cake and eat it too. Fuck the consequences.
Chapter 18
Jo
“I don’t want any more.” I hand the joint back to my sister and exhale. “My head feels light and I need to be able to have a conversation with Mom and Dad.” My own words make me push off the wall, wide-eyed. “Do you think they’ll know I’m high?”
“You cannot possibly be high, Jo. You took half a hit of this.” She looks at me. “This is medicinal.”
“Yeah, for your anxiety, not for mine.”
“You don’t have anxiety.” My sister presses the tip of the joint to her lips and inhales.
“My anxieties lie completely on our parents right now. First I was arrested and then this? They’ll kill me.” I start pacing. “Dammit.”
“Here. Put some Visine in your eyes. It’ll be fine. This is supposed to help you relax, not panic.”
“I’m not panicking but this absolutely does not help me relax.”
“You’ve only done it twice.” Misty laughs.
“Yeah. And look at what happened the first time.”
“You walked in on your roommate screwing someone else.” She shrugs a shoulder, exhaling. “That’s what happens when you move in with a hot guy.”
“Misty, this is not funny. I’m seriously freaking out right now.” I swear my heart is racing extra fast. Is that normal? I pull out my phone and Google it. “Apparently it’s normal.”
“What’s normal?”
“Dude, are you not listening to me?”
“Jo, you’ve been quiet for the last five minutes.” She eyes me curiously. “Maybe you shouldn’t talk to Mom and Dad after all.”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you.” I put my phone in my back pocket. I look at my car, then at the back door, then take the bottle of Visine she’s handing me and apply a drop in each eye. I blink and blink until I think maybe I’m less high. Jesus. I only took one hit of that thing. Never again.
“I’m going back inside,” Misty says.
“What?” I gape at her. “I can’t go back inside yet.”
“So, wait for me out here. I’m getting hungry and we missed dinner by now. I’ll go grab us some plates and stuff.”
“Okay.” I breathe in and out. “I’ll wait here.”
When Misty goes inside, I start pacing again and focusing on breathing deeply. That has to help, right? Yes. Deep breaths. I keep pacing. The door opens quickly, or at least I think quickly, and I turn around ready to say so until I see Jagger. I take an exaggerated step back, even I know I’m being weird, but he looks good, like really good, in black slacks, a white button-down, and a black tie. He left his jacket inside, but his normally wild dark hair is brushed perfectly to the side and his face is shaved and smooth.
“You look really good,” I blurt out. The response I get, his lip pulling up slightly and his eyes dancing, makes my heart leap.
“Thank you, Josephine. I think that’s the first nice thing y
ou’ve said to me in years.” He raises an eyebrow and shoves his hands in his pockets as he reaches me. “Why are you out here all alone?”
“Um . . . I was with Misty. She’s getting food.”
“To bring outside?” he asks in a slow voice that makes me wonder how dumb of an idea it was after all. It seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do just minutes ago.
“Yes?”
“You don’t sound so sure.” His eyes are still dancing. My heart is still hammering.
“I’m high.”
“What?” He chuckles. “Right now?”
“Yes.” I nod. “I can’t go back in there. My parents and Bobby . . . ” My eyes widen. “Oh my God. Bobby. I forgot about him.”
“Who cares about him?”
“Is he still inside?”
“Yes.”
“He’s probably waiting for me to give him my number.”
“Why would you want to give him your number?” Jagger scowls.
“Because he’s cute.”
“I thought you were done dating athletes?”
“I am.” I blink. “I told you that?”
“You did.”
“Hm.” I purse my lips. “I’m really thirsty.”
“What?” He barks out a laugh, it’s a low laugh and it’s short-lived but oh my God it sounds so nice.
“I’m parched.” I put a hand on my throat.
“Give me a moment.” He shakes his head with a sigh, walks back to the door, and disappears inside. Unlike Misty, he’s back outside in a second with a bottle of water. He hands it over. I take it, uncap it, and down half of it in light speed.
“Thanks so much.” I breathe out when I cap it and lower it. “Water is so good.”
“It is.”
“It’s so sad that so many people don’t have access to it. Did you know that?” I feel myself frown. “I mean here in the United States people don’t have access to clean water. That’s insane.”
“It’s very sad,” he agrees.
“And then you have major assholes like Lawrence who are about to become millionaires and will never do anything about it.” I cross my arms.
“What does . . . ” He shakes his head and looks away. “So, you and Bobby.”
“He’s nice, right?”
“I guess.”
“You guess?”
“What happened to the no-athlete rule?” He meets my gaze again.
“Misty says I need to have casual relationships for a while, so I figure, if it’s going to be casual anyway, who cares?” I shrug. “Kind of like what you and that girl have going on.”
“You mean Jessa?”
“Yep.” Now it’s me who looks away. “You brought her as your date though so maybe it’s more than casual.”
“It’s not.”
“Not yet.”
“It never will be.”
“How do you know?” I look at him again. “Things change and sometimes it does become more.”
“In order for it to become more, both people would have to want that, which is not the case with Jessa.”
“It is for her.”
“How would you know?”
“I saw her crying. She left in an Uber. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know something happened.” I search his eyes.
“We hooked up once.” He moves closer. My pulse leaps.
“Once,” I whisper.
“That worked out fine.”
“Did it?”
“It seemed to. You got what you wanted out of it, didn’t you? You moved on rather quickly, too.”
“He was very persistent.” I swallow. “You weren’t.”
“What would have happened if I had been?”
“I don’t know.” It’s a total lie. I one thousand percent would have dated him, but he never chased, never showed interest. It was a one and done for him.
“Did you want me to chase you? Were you waiting for me to?” He takes another step forward, completely engulfing the distance between us.
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I guess a part of me wanted you to, but I knew deep down that you weren’t the chasing type. It doesn’t matter anyway.”
“Why doesn’t it matter?
“You would have broken me.”
“I would never hurt you. That’s why I never chased. I regretted it though. I regretted it more when you moved on with him.” He searches my eyes. “You’ve been tearing me up inside for years.”
“I didn’t know you felt anything.” I can barely breathe, but somehow I speak the words.
“Of course you didn’t.” He scoffs.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You haven’t even been around. You’ve spent so much of your time at Duke freaking parties.” He makes a face as he says the words, as if merely speaking it aloud leaves a taste in his mouth. “How would you know? You dropped classes I was in. You walked away from parties we both attended—”
“Because even though we both know you’re not the chasing type and you’re definitely not the settling down type, you kept coming on to me at those parties!”
“Because I wanted you.” He takes one last step forward with the force of his words and closes the remaining distance between us. My heart leaps into my throat as I stare into his thunderous gaze. He looks like he’s looking for a fight, or worse, like he might devour me right here. He takes a breath and lowers his voice, and the timbre does absolutely nothing to calm my emotions. “I’ve wanted you since we were teenagers. I wanted you at that party and after I had you, I knew it would never be enough.” His words are a low growl, a harsh whisper against my lips. “I’ve wanted you every day since and seeing you with him was like eating glass. Is that what you want to hear? Is that what it’ll take for you to finally pick me?”
“You’re an idiot, Jagger Cruz. I would have picked you from day one and you know it.”
“Day one doesn’t count.”
“Day one meant everything to me.” I lift a hand and run it up his torso, setting it on his shoulder. “You were my first, you know.”
“I remember.” His gaze darkens. I swear I feel him shaking beneath my hand. “Fuck, Josephine. Just . . . ”
I stand on the tips of my toes and move my hand so that it’s on the back of his neck and kiss him. In my mind, I’m in control of this kiss, but when he moves into it and his large hands finally touch me, I feel myself unravel and when he backs me into the wall behind me and presses into me, his mouth devouring mine, I know I’m not in control of anything at all. I realize that this is what I crave and am afraid of. Memories of our hookup flood back to me and I know that underneath all of the lust there’s a genuine fear of what would happen if things don’t work out. We weren’t just friends. Our parents are friends, almost like family in the sense that when shit goes sideways they always count on each other to be there. A relationship between us would carry the weight of the responsibility that if we didn’t work out, we’d still see each other and be expected to act cordial. With a shuddering breath, I pull away from the kiss, drunk from it, and look into his eyes. He looks wild, barely contained, his breathing heavy as if he’d been on the field.
“You think too much,” he says finally.
“You don’t think enough.”
“That’s why I have more fun.” His lip twists into a smirk. “You said you wanted casual. Do casual with me.”
My heart thunders. I want to say I don’t think I can. I want to say no way, I could never. I want to guard myself from the heartache I know will come from it. Instead, I nod and accept because if I’m going to do casual anyway, it might as well be with the hottest guy I’ve ever known.
Chapter 19
Jagger
You would think after that kiss I’d take her home and fuck her brains out. You’d be wrong. Somehow, we went from being interrupted by Misty, who brought out a tray of food that Josephine turned down since she was no longer hungry and that turned into me having to drive Misty, who was a little tipsy,
and their grandmother Sabrina home, and of course, Jo, who was going to get an Uber because she’d smoked some weed with Misty and unlike Misty, Jo was seemingly terrified of driving under any influence even if she was absolutely sober by the time all of us left the restaurant.
“Your car smells new. Is it new?” her grandmother asks. She’s sitting in the passenger seat and has not stopped touching things, from the air vents to the radio.
“It’s not, but I’ve rarely driven it. It stays here when we go back to New York for breaks.”
“This is the car you should get, Josephine,” she announces.
I glance up in the rearview and find Jo’s hazel eyes on mine. My heart instantly kicks into high gear. God, I want her. I want her so badly I can barely stand it. She must see it in my eyes because it takes her a long moment to clear her throat and answer her grandmother.
“Sure, Nana, I’ll get right on it. Are you going to write the generous check or will I have to wait for my inheritance to kick in?” Jo asks. I find myself fighting a smile.
“I’ll help you buy a car,” Misty announces. “Maybe not this one, but a nicer one.”
“Why are you grounded, Josephine? You never told me,” her grandmother says.
“I made a mistake.”
“What kind of mistake?”
“The kind that gets you kicked off the volleyball team.” Jo’s no longer looking at me, but down at her lap and dammit, I hate it. I want her eyes on mine.
“You got kicked off the volleyball team?” Her grandmother turns slightly in the passenger seat with a gasp. “But you were the best one on the team.”
“I wasn’t the best one.” Jo lets out a short laugh.
“Nonsense. I saw you play.”
“Nana, how’s your Netflix show binging coming along?” Misty asks randomly. “Are you still watching Casa de Papel?”
“Yes but they changed the title and it took me two weeks to realize it. It is now called Money Heist.” Her grandmother doesn’t sound pleased by this. “So I’m a little behind.”
“That’s a good one though,” Misty says. “You have to give me recommendations. I haven’t been watching anything since I’m so busy with school.”
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