Instead of answering, I’d just said, “I owe you nothing.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’ve prided myself on finding who I was meant to be,” I’d said through clenched teeth. “On becoming a stronger person despite how worthless every one of you made me feel. On being someone so far from the fake, terrible people who offered me shelter and nothing more. Except I’m not.”
My voice shook, but I’d taken a steadying breath and continued on. “My entire adult life has been lived a certain way because I am endlessly running from you. Running from that feeling of hopelessness and insignificance . . . and, in that, I am hurting everyone I come in contact with the way you all hurt me. Not only that, but I have spent the past twelve years hiding from you because I am terrified you will show up at the next place and the next and make me feel like an unwanted, irrelevant teenager all over again.”
She’d lifted her chin in defiance, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. “We raised you, and we deserve respect and recognition for that.”
“You deserve nothing,” I’d yelled. “I raised myself. I kept myself fed on dry cereal and sandwiches while you fed your family—because you made it clear I wasn’t part of that. I took care of everything for me, the same as I always had. You gave me a roof, that’s it.”
I’d stepped back, trying to control the way my body vibrated with rage and lifelong pains.
“Stay away from me,” I’d said in warning. “Don’t you, or any of your family, show up where you know I’ll be. Do not contact my friends for any reason. I’m done hiding from you. I’m done living my life a certain way because of you. I have let myself become this cruel, heartless coward because of you . . . and I’m so fucking done.”
I’d stormed to my car and, the next morning, found myself at my other aunt’s house. She’d already been warned I might be coming and was prepared for the conversation, but I’d said everything I needed to.
However, I still had this . . .
My next breath got trapped in my lungs when the door opened and her shocked face appeared.
“Rae,” she said, slightly breathless, like she wasn’t sure she was actually seeing me.
“I think I hate you.” The words came out on a rush after twenty-seven years of begging to be freed.
She seemed to collapse on herself, but gripped the edge of the door to remain standing. “I know,” she said softly. “I know . . . and I don’t blame you.” After a moment, she gestured toward the entryway. “Would you like to come in?”
“Well, yeah, I think the town network is probably already buzzing that I’m here. So, it might be best.”
At that, a soft laugh tumbled from her as she stepped back and led me into the living room.
Once we were settled, I asked, “How did you know he wouldn’t start hitting me?”
That had been playing in my mind since Emberly had revealed my dad had been abusive, and one of the things I hadn’t asked her when they’d visited Nathan and Megan’s home.
I’d asked a dozen other things and said even more, but I’d been too afraid to hear her answer in front of the others. Or, maybe, it was that I hadn’t thought she’d tell me the truth with Emberly there.
“He loved you—absolutely adored you,” Tori said as she worried her hands. “Everything I did was the wrong thing, but you? You were right. You were the only perfect thing in his life. I knew . . .” She lifted her hands, as if not knowing how to explain. “I thought if I took you, he would hunt me down—even if just to get you back. I figured if I left you with him, he would let me go.”
In her answer, she’d answered one of my other questions—why did you leave me?
Still . . .
“You couldn’t have known.”
“No,” she admitted, the word filled with shame. “And that has haunted me.”
A huff forced from my chest. “You seem haunted,” I murmured sarcastically. “I heard all about you and your life. I saw your fear at Emberly finding out about me, rather than your relief at knowing, hey, your other daughter made it out alive.”
“Rae—”
“He didn’t hit me by the way, not that you asked.” I tried to swallow the bitterness that was so easy to rise, shaking my head as I did. “I never knew what he did—never had an idea until Emberly told me. When you left, he went into an alcohol-fueled depression. Spent his days drinking and staring at your note, like that would bring you back.”
The last part wasn’t news to her, I’d already told her as much. But she still watched me, listening, as if I were giving her every detail for the first time.
“I’m glad to know that, truly.” She placed a hand over her throat as she struggled to swallow. “Despite what you heard or what you saw in me, I have thought of you every day. I wake up thinking about you and fall asleep the same. Wondering. Regretting. Worrying.” Her chin trembled and heavy tears fell relentlessly. When she continued, her voice was thick with shame. “I know what I did. I have lived with that and will live with that forever. That doesn’t mean I ever forgot you.”
“Did you ever think about going back for me?”
Her face creased with emotion and her tears began falling faster. “Only once, but let me explain,” she said as sobs racked her body, her shoulders jerking as she tried to calm herself enough to speak again. “He isolated me. Wouldn’t let me talk with family or friends, wouldn’t let me work. Destroyed my spirit until I was a shell, unable to stand up to him anymore. Every day was filled with immeasurable pain and periods of unconsciousness, and I never knew if I would be alive the next day.
“When I left, I broke in a way I never had before. Like I’d finally let myself acknowledge I deserved to live and be happy. I drove and drove and ended up so lost until I came upon a town named Amber. I truly hated myself at that moment. All I could think of was you because the name was so similar. I nearly turned around then, but I was sure he would kill me if I went back, so I stayed. Here. In the town that reminded me of the girl who gave me a chance to live. It took years to overcome that fear and to find myself again. By the time I ever felt strong enough to face him, going back for you would’ve ripped your life apart. You wouldn’t have known me.”
“And you would’ve had to tell your daughter.” Before she could respond, I asked, “Why ‘Emberly?’”
“The same reason I stayed in Amber,” she said and gestured to me. “It wasn’t to replace you. It was to honor the girl who gave me a chance at life.”
“A chance through abandonment.”
Her eyelids slowly shut and opened a few moments later. “As I said, I will live with that forever.”
I nodded and stood to leave. At the edge of the living room, I turned to find her a few steps behind me. “When I look at you, I don’t see my mom,” I said as gently as possible. “I don’t expect you to see your daughter when you look at me. To me, you’re Emberly’s mom, and she’s Sawyer’s best friend. Nothing more.” I struggled to take a breath, struggled to get the next words out that meant hope when I knew I couldn’t afford to feel that. “But, if I end up in a position where I continue to see you, I’ll hopefully hate you a little less each time. That bitterness will fade. And I’ll one day be able to talk to you without seeing the past.”
“That’s more than I ever could’ve asked for,” she said with a hesitant nod. “Thank you for giving me this chance to speak to you.”
With that, I left.
Chest aching in an unfamiliar way.
Head down.
Hoping to remain hidden to the town of Amber.
Chapter 40
Sawyer
I wondered if walking through the front door of Blossom would ever feel normal, or if Rae Jacobs had changed something as simple as that forever.
A weighted breath pushed from my lungs when I shut the door behind me and started to call out to everyone that I was there when my stare caught on the entryway table. On the jars of honey there.
A door . . .
My town . . .
>
Fucking honey.
Everything reminded me of Rae somehow, and I hated that I couldn’t push her from my mind when she’d left just as abruptly as she’d arrived.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been standing there, staring at honey, when I realized no one else was there with me.
No constantly-moving Savannah, whirling through to say hi before going back to the kitchen.
No niece and nephew, excitedly barreling into me and demanding to play zombie.
No Mom, giving me that look she’d worn the past few weeks, the one that screamed how worried she was.
No Beau—who was I kidding? Beau never came to the door unless he happened to be walking through at the same time.
I followed the scent of dinner toward the kitchen, where soft murmurs could be heard rather than the loud talking I expected that always battled the music Savannah played when she cooked.
“Hello?” I called out uneasily, my steps slowing when the murmurs immediately halted.
I looked at each member of my family that filled the kitchen, eyebrow raised in question when they just stared at me.
“Did I miss something? It’s Sunday, right?”
“Of course it is,” Mom said softly, her gaze dropping to the floor when I looked to her again.
I gestured behind me. “Who went to First Monday?”
Savannah sucked in a stuttered breath and glanced pleadingly at Beau, but he only continued to watch me with a look that gave nothing away.
“None of us,” Savannah finally said, her fingertips pressed to her mouth as she turned to me with an expression that stopped my heart. “Rae brought—”
“Rae’s here?” I demanded, every cell in my body reacting to her words and the knowledge that that girl was somewhere in my town.
Close enough to touch.
Close enough to catch before she could disappear again.
Regret bled from Savannah when she said, “She was. For only a minute or two, a little over an hour ago. Came to apologize and brought those. Then she was gone.”
Her last words followed me as I ran from the kitchen, toward the front door.
I wasn’t sure where I was going to go—but I had to leave.
I had to try to find her.
I threw open the door and stopped dead.
Hand on the frame and the other on the door, both shaking and chest heaving as I stared at the girl standing in front of me, hand raised to knock.
Her hazel eyes filled with tears, her body gently vibrating as her arm slowly lowered.
“Rae . . .”
“I think I’m in love with you.”
The moment the words passed her lips, I released my grip that had felt so crucial to stay standing, and pulled her against me, kissing her and pouring these weeks of pain and regret and fear into that kiss.
A soft cry eased from her as she opened to me, telling me without words a hundred things that had gone unsaid until she was clinging to me as the urgency of the kiss changed.
As that pain shifted to my consuming need and love for her.
“I love you,” I breathed as I stole another taste of her, then dropped my forehead against hers. “I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry.”
“No, don’t,” she begged as her tears finally slipped free. “Please don’t. I caused it all, I know. I know I pushed you and kept too many things from you. And Jack—Sawyer, I’m not engaged to him, I never was.” She pulled away enough to look into my eyes but stayed pressed close to my chest. “He just put the ring on my finger without ever getting an answer from me. I left the next morning.”
I softly trailed my thumb across her red-stained lips, head shaking as I did. “It’s okay. We’ll talk. We will, I just need to know that you’re here—that you aren’t gonna disappear.”
She gripped my hand in hers and placed it against her cheek, her eyelids shutting. “I’m here if you want me to be.”
“Rae, you know I don’t want you anywhere else.” I traced the tips of my fingers over her cheek. Because I could. Because she was here. “But Em told me about her trip, what you said about being here.”
“I know, but I . . .” She shrugged, her eyes searching mine. “Tori . . . that’s where I was just now. Talking with her. She and I will figure it out because I can’t be where you aren’t.”
I pressed my head to hers again, a groan building in my chest when I remembered where we were.
With a glance behind me to make sure my family hadn’t been watching, I gripped Rae’s hand in mine and pulled her into the house, barely taking the time to shut the door as I hurried across the entryway and up the stairs with her by my side.
As soon as I had the door to her old room unlocked, I pulled her with me and shut us in, twisting the lock as I captured her mouth in a fevered kiss. Then we were moving and stumbling the rest of the way to the bed. And I was laying her on it and trembling because I wanted to strip her and lose myself in her more than I wanted my next breath . . .
But I couldn’t.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I couldn’t.
Knew we needed to get through all the bullshit and get on the same page.
The two of us were fire together. Nothing compared. But masking our thoughts and worries with that passion could easily put us back in that place we’d been before she left.
Her shutting me out, preparing to run.
Me worrying over every single thing until I lashed out.
Over and over again until I lost her.
“I can’t lose you,” I murmured as I slowly pulled away. Brushing my mouth over hers one last time, I rolled us to our sides but kept her close as I searched her remorseful stare.
She watched me for a few moments before releasing a soft sigh. “That last morning when you asked me to stay again . . .” Her head shook and a smile threatened at the corner of her mouth. “I don’t know what happened during that night, but all I wanted was to say yes. I kept thinking I wouldn’t know how to leave, while also fully acknowledging I wouldn’t be able to stay once I faced Emberly’s mom.”
“And then the rest of the day happened,” I offered, remembering in vivid flashes how I’d lost her in the span of a few hours.
“Right.”
“Em said something . . .”—a laugh worked up my throat—“She’s had a lot to say, actually. But, she said that I was so prepared and scared for your goodbye that I made sure to do it first. She was right.”
“No, I pushed you into it,” she said, continuing even as I shook my head. “That entire last day, I can’t imagine how that all came across for you, how embarrassing it was for you and your friends.”
“She was right,” I repeated firmly. “With the Faith thing, everything you said after, and the way you were panicking worse than I’d ever seen . . . I knew that was it. So, I walked first.”
“I can’t blame you, and I didn’t then.”
“Rae, you’d told me about your past and what you used to do. Nothing you said that morning should’ve been surprising to me.”
Her eyebrows drew together as she studied me, worry rippling from her. “Jack?”
“Okay, that did,” I said, trying to push away the automatic, gut-wrenching reaction that came with his name. “But he had pictures.”
Rae’s head jerked back before tightly shaking like she couldn’t comprehend what I’d said. “Pictures? I don’t . . . but like you just said, I’d told you about my past. How could you think that I would?”
“It made too much sense. The constant warnings not to fall in love with you. Freaking out over a picture of us. Assuring me you wouldn’t stay.”
“I wasn’t engaged.” The words came out weak but rang with honesty. “He asked one night out of nowhere, and I just stood there in shock and horror as he put the ring on me and went through the rest of the motions, I swear.”
“I believe you.” Her stare flashed to me, worry and hope swirling in them. “For a long time, I didn’t. But then I started thinking . . . Jack never messaged
me again. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t have stopped after those first messages the way he did. If it had been me, I would’ve made sure to let the other guy know that you were mine, that you would be coming back to me and not to go near you or contact you again.”
Her shaky lips curved into a hint of a smile. “So intense.”
A stunned laugh burst from me, and I tightened my arm around her waist. “Even still, when I got that goodbye text from you? Rae . . .” My head moved in faint shakes and my throat worked in an attempt to swallow. “I ran to my truck and sped here, calling you again and again and panicking because it wasn’t going through. You were gone when I got here, so I just took off. I didn’t even know which way you’d headed, but I went for the highway and drove for over an hour, thinking I’d somehow be able to find you. I fucking lost it.”
“I’m so sorry,” she said on a breath, one of her hands lifting to trace along my jaw. “I’m sorry for so many things, especially that day, but it had to happen.” When my brow furrowed in confusion, she shifted onto her elbow so she was slightly leaning over me. “I would’ve continued pushing you away—pushing my feelings away. I wouldn’t have been forced to face the things I did these past weeks, including my family, Jack, and myself. I wouldn’t be here, absolutely terrified and unsure of how to go about this, but one hundred percent certain I want to be with you.”
“I would do anything to keep you here with me . . . forever.” I searched her face when she sucked in a stuttered breath and asked, “Does that still scare you?”
“Yes, but I want it.”
I slid my hand into her hair and put the slightest pressure against her head as I leaned up, aching for more of her.
She brushed her lips against mine, giving me a hint of a kiss before asking, “How else will I get free coffee?”
My eyes narrowed into slits as hers danced with amusement. “You still got jokes.” The words were a playful grumble as I switched our positions, caging her to the bed and attacking her neck with teasing kisses.
The laugh that filled the room seemed to wash over and through me.
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