But I was now rounding out day two of thinking about Gabe Shaw nonstop, and we were stuck here in Big Sur with no known leave date. I wasn’t sure what to expect from Ray this morning, but he’d been charged up by the storm and the land slide. We’d been behind schedule anyway. So instead of a few days off, where I’d planned to mope around Lucia’s cabin and try not to think about Gabe, we were back on a grueling shoot schedule for the foreseeable future.
And now I sat, perched on the cliffs and watching a furious ocean. The sound of the waves echoed Gabe Gabe Gabe every time they slid across the shore.
I wasn’t really a nature girl. I’d spent every year of my life in a concrete jungle—even when we went back to Mexico, we stayed near the urban sprawl of Guadalajara, where my parents had grown up. I didn’t hike or run or crave the peaceful silence of the woods.
Yet there was something about Big Sur. As I’d driven Lucia and I up from the city on our first day, my eyes hadn’t felt big enough to take it all in. The ocean to the left of me, a beautiful blue expanse. The fields of golden wildflowers, stretching down to the rocky beaches. To my right, a forest of redwoods and pines dotted with orange poppy flowers.
Gabe said he went to nature when his thoughts or anxiety got too strong, and I was starting to see why. A little. I still preferred a night out dancing to clear those thoughts, but now, watching the waves, I felt hypnotized into a kind of calm. An acceptance.
These waves had been here long before I was born. Would continue long after I was gone.
“Hey there, Dreamy Smile,” I heard Lucia, walking up behind me. She held a blanket in her arms and a bottle of red wine.
“I could say the same about you,” I teased, grabbing the blanket and wrapping it around my shoulders. Lucia curled up next to me, a vision against the dark storm clouds.
“Makeup looks good,” I said, taking a swig from the bottle.
“Mm-hmm,” she said, taking her own swig. “I only have the best, you know.” She nudged my shoulder with her own. “Thought you might want to drink this wine and tell me some of your feelings.”
“I like the wine part,” I said. “And feelings about what?”
The waves whispered Gabe’s name.
“Oh… the wild night you spent with Mr. Big Dick and how you might feel about it,” she said.
“Okay, I’m only calling him Mr. Big Dick from now on,” I laughed.
Lucia looked at me, smiling but waiting.
I looked away for a second. “Do you remember the night before the wedding?”
Beside me, Lucia stilled. She was President of the Let’s Kill Clarke Club and despised talking about him.
Not that I ever really did.
“Of course,” she said. “You wanted such a boring bachelorette party, chica.”
I nodded. “You knew then, right? Or before?”
“What?”
I put the wine bottle to my lips. “Did you guess he wasn’t going to show up?” The wine slid down my throat.
“Of course not. I thought you might not want to go through with it. It’s why I tried to… super awkwardly offer to drive you away. From the wedding. From Clarke. I thought you might…”
“Wake up the morning of the wedding and see him for the psychopath he was?”
“He wanted you to be a certain way,” Lu said quietly. “Liked turning you into his submissive little, I don’t know, doll. He made you stop liking the things you liked. Made you stop loving yourself, most of all. I was so worried, I was sick about it actually, that he’d marry you and take you away. That I hadn’t said something in time, and I’d lose my best friend. To, yes… a fucking psychopath.”
She spit the last part of her sentence out, the angriest I’d seen her in a long time. “I regret it. If I’d said something earlier, you wouldn’t have gotten engaged. Wouldn’t have had to experience that bastard leaving you at the altar.”
There was a ragged edge to her voice, and I knew she thought about that moment as much as me. There had been so much confusion that morning—I thought maybe, ultimately, it was just a misunderstanding. He could have gone to the wrong place. Overslept. Gotten the dates mixed up.
It’s funny all the tiny rationalizations your brain can make in the middle of total shock.
But it was Lucia. Lucia who broke the news: he’d left her a message, letting her know in so many words that he wouldn’t be there. And Lucia who held me in my wedding dress as I sobbed for hours—sobbed so hard I ended up being sick, throwing up until there was absolutely nothing left in my stomach.
And I’d never seen or heard from Clarke again.
I reached forward, holding her hand. “You know, and I mean this, that absolutely nothing about that time in my life is your fault.” My voice caught a little at the end. “Nothing. It’s Clarke’s fault. He’s the emotional abuser. He’s the asshole that bailed on our marriage. You remember what I was like during that time—like I’d been drugged or something. The…” I grimaced, “love I thought I had for him was like a sickness. Captured my every waking thought. In some strange ways, I’m happy he didn’t show.” I paused, looking out across the ocean. “If he had, I think you’re right. I would have never woken up and seen the light. Would have lost myself entirely.”
We were quiet for a long time. “Give me that fucking wine, mija,” I said.
“What does this have to do with Gabe though?” she asked. Ever the best friend, never forgetting the original point.
I shifted uncomfortably on the rock, not sure if I wanted to say my thoughts out loud.
Because I didn’t trust them.
“I’m not going to judge anything you say,” Lu said softly.
“You know, everything with Clarke was so… intense. Not on the surface. On the surface, he was easy-going. But in the reality of our relationship, behind closed doors, everything was cranked up as high as it could go. Our dates went by so fast, and then we moved in together before I knew it. Even the engagement—that was something we’d never talked about. He sprang that engagement on me, and it was a total fucking surprise. I remember saying yes and feeling what I thought was exhilaration. The penultimate romantic gesture—your boyfriend loving you so much that he just had to buy the ring. Had to make sure you would be his forever.”
“All things I’m assuming he said to you when you brought it up later,” Lu said.
I nodded. “But now I recognize that… feeling in your stomach, the weightless one? It was fucking dread. And fear. And the final straw. I was no longer in control of my life. Even as I loved Clarke madly and desperately, I knew—he would make all of the decisions for me, moving forward. There was like a war inside of me.” I held my hands over my stomach, twisting them. “Rational and irrational thoughts. Love and fear. Pain and pleasure. I didn’t know which thoughts to trust. I didn’t know… and of course when I brought those fears up to Clarke…”
I trailed off, swallowing at a memory.
“I love you so much I spent a shit-ton of money on a fucking ring for you,” he’d said, in that tone I’d come to recognize. “And no, I’m not afraid to spend the rest of my life with you, even if you think it might be too fast. If our love is too fast for you…” he looked away, hurt. “If you have fears about our relationship, then that’s not right.”
“Having fears?” I’d pressed back, too aware of the giant diamond on my left hand. I actually hated diamonds, but we’d never talked about what I wanted. “Everyone has fears, mijo. It’s marriage. It’s a… it’s a lifelong commitment. There’s nothing wrong with having fears about that.”
I’d looked away because we were suddenly locked back in a battle that had dominated our short time together: me expressing a feeling. Clarke telling me it was the wrong feeling.
“People in love don’t have fears, Jo,” he’d said. “So you either need to get on board and stop being afraid or…”
“Or what?” I said, hating the layer of desperation that coated my voice. I needed Clarke like I needed air to breathe.
“I don’t know,” he said dismissively. “I really don’t.”
“When I brought those fears up to Clarke, he basically told me I was the one to blame,” I said, voice firm, hating how memories of him could still seep into my conscious mind like a poison. How was that possible? How did he still have so much control?
Lucia squeezed my hand. “I’m going to take a big leap here. What is it about Gabe that reminds you of Clarke?”
I sighed, dropping my head onto my knees. “I don’t even know why we’re talking about this. I mean, I know we’re stuck here for a few more days, but it’s not like I’m going to see him again. Ever.”
“Shit, you sound so sad,” Lu teased. “Who says you’ll never see him again? Or… I don’t know, who says you can’t have a wild, totally passionate fling for a week with a sexy bartender? I bet Mr. Big Dick could keep you very entertained while we’re all stuck in this storm.”
She waggled her eyebrows suggestively. I laughed, the humor briefly clearing the tight feeling that was closing around my throat. I watched the waves for a moment, trying to make the jumbled mess of my thoughts into some sort of logical sense.
“That first night with Gabe, I was so fucking attracted to him. But then, instead of fucking, we… talked. And laughed. And he actually listened. And he gave me…” I held my palms out. “He gave me a fantasy I’d dreamed about for years. And none of this was expected. But it’s been… what, forty-eight hours? And I feel completely turned inside out by him.”
Lucia stroked my hair. “I get it, chica. You said something similar after your first date with Clarke.”
Tears filled my eyes, and I wiped them away quickly.
“How can something so intense ever be healthy?” I asked in a quiet voice. I wasn’t interested in another relationship with a person who was just going to burn me to the ground.
Lucia let out a long sigh, watching the waves with me. “Good question. And I’m not sure I can answer that. You’ve got to listen.” She tapped the space above my collarbone. “It’s in here somewhere.”
“What?”
“The answer,” she said firmly, wrapping us tighter in the blanket. “And for what it’s worth, I think Clarke’s goal… no, not think. I know Clarke’s goal was to continually undermine you. Get you to doubt yourself.”
A task in which he’d succeeded mightily.
“But he’s not here. He doesn’t have the privilege of being in your life any longer. And he’s definitely not Gabe. And it’s true that you don’t know him that well but—” She turned, looking at me. “You could always get to know Gabe better. Of all the things in this world, happiness isn’t something you should have to earn.”
I swallowed back more tears, leaning against my best friend.
She hugged me. “Happiness is what you deserve. And I think you should reach out and take it.”
Chapter 23
Gabe
The next morning I filled my pack with sandwiches, laced up my hiking shoes, and headed out for the location of the first rockslide, about a mile from The Bar. As I hiked, leaves and pine needles crunched under my feet, releasing a unique blend of scents: Christmas morning and campfire nights. I looked up, craning my neck to see the tops of the redwood trees, and felt the power of standing under a living thing so old it defied imagination. Felt that same tug, right above my heart, towards this magical and beautiful place.
I’d gone to college in Monterey, less than an hour away, and not a single friend understood why I wanted to come back here. To waste the heady days of my twenties in a small town with almost no young people, no job prospects, and nothing to do.
But there’d never been another option for me. I couldn’t explain it, the same way I couldn’t explain my fantasy to be dominated. It just existed. Unending and unyielding. A piece of my DNA.
Despite my thoughts of Josie, the hike was peaceful. The scenery beautiful. But when I turned the corner, coming out from the woods and onto the highway, the full impact of the rock slide—of the destruction and the terror—was a swift kick to the gut.
My home.
Boulders the size of cars lined the highway, having cascaded down the mountain, bringing smaller rocks, trees, branches and a river of mud with them. An ugly, jagged scar on the landscape—a landscape I knew had been slowly changing for a hundred years. Slowly being eroded by human beings, wildfires started by campers, global warming, and construction. I swallowed roughly, almost overwhelmed with my sense of anger and helplessness. The crew looked tiny against the immensity of the boulders.
I waved, suddenly feeling like my gift of sandwiches was inadequate. But then I saw Scott, an old buddy from high school.
“Gabe Shaw,” he said with a grin, wiping dirt across his face. He whistled, indicating a break, and one by one the weary road crew began untangling themselves from the various pieces of equipment set up around the slide.
“I brought you a present.” I slid the pack off my back, opening it up to reveal about 40 sandwiches I’d made and hand-wrapped in tinfoil this morning.
“I know it’s not much, but we thought you guys might—” I trailed off, holding up a sandwich. Scott grabbed it from my hand before I could even finish.
“There is a God,” Scott said, unwrapping it and devouring half of it in less than a minute. I laughed, greeting the crew members warmly and handing them as many sandwiches as they could hold.
“Listen,” I said to Scott, indicating the massive boulders behind him. “I wanted to thank you for being out here. I know it’s not easy. Or even that safe.” I looked uneasily at the rocks balanced precariously above our heads. “But you’re out here, doing the hard work that the community needs.”
Scott shrugged. “You know I’d do anything for this place. But it’s a big-ass fucking job though.” He whistled softly. “We’re honestly lucky no one was hurt.”
“You’re telling me,” I said, glancing towards the cliff side where the smaller boulders had smashed into the ocean, which was currently angrily swirling in the stormy winds. It was the deadly edge of living here, the hair-raising risk we all took every day.
“The faster we work, the less effect it’ll have,” Scott said, interrupting my thoughts. “You remember the wildfire two years ago?”
I grimaced, nodding. Like all beautiful yet remote towns, Big Sur relied heavily on tourism, and when fires destroyed your picturesque views, people no longer wanted to pay to come here.
“I’ve been thinking the same thing,” I said, unwrapping my own sandwich. “Tourists who are stuck here are going to be pissed, probably. And people who had already booked hotel rooms for this weekend will also probably be pissed.”
It all had an effect; it all poked and prodded at the sustainability of our town.
Scott perched on a rock, taking off his vest for a moment. “I mean, there’s nothing we can do except work as hard as we can, which we’re doing.”
“And the City Council meeting is next week,” I said. “We can start talking about recovery efforts there. If we need to raise money, we can always do a fundraiser at The Bar. We’ve done it before.”
Scott grinned wolfishly. “I don’t remember much about the last fundraiser except I was drunk as fuck. The entire town was there. Gloria and Gladys, I think, danced on top of the bar? Austin wasn’t wearing pants. Kevin puked in the bushes. And you and Sasha had gotten into some argument, right?”
He laughed heartily. I didn’t. I did remember that night. My brother had a tendency to… unburden himself of clothing when he was drinking. And the whole-town fundraisers always turned into ragers.
“Fuck, how long ago was that?” I said, scratching my head. Sasha and I had gotten in a huge fight that night. But I’d just blocked it from my memory. She always felt that I was rushing her into commitment, but at that point, we’d been together more than five years, and I was dying to put a ring on her finger.
“Years, buddy,” he said, chugging from a bottle of water. “Which is good. Town hasn’
t been in need for a while,” he said, cocking his head at the rocks behind him. “But we never truly know.”
“We sure don’t,” I said, staring at the top of the large hill where the slide had originated.
Terrifying.
When other people brought up stories of Sasha and I, they never painted us as the couple I thought we’d been. Like Gloria and Gladys, exchanging looks over my head as I explained the nature of our relationship. But I’d sworn she was The One. Sworn we were soulmates, traveling down a path towards a passionate and happy marriage.
What had they seen that I hadn’t?
“So how’s the Satanist?” Scott asked with a smirk.
“Not a Satanist,” I said, shaking my head and laughing. “And it’s not a thing. She’s not a thing. Plus, they’re only here until this slide gets cleared so… you wouldn’t be willing to uh… slow down a bit? Clear this slide out slowly over a period of years?”
Scott laughed, and I hitched the now-empty pack onto my back. Rain was starting to fall lightly again, smattering against the rocks.
“Ah, I’d heard some things,” he said mysteriously.
“Like what? And was it the twins?”
“You know it,” he laughed. “Anyway, I heard this girl might be different. At least, that’s what the Channel had to say.”
I swore under my breath. “It’s going to be hell the next time I see my parents.”
“Aw, Gabe, it’s only payback, brother. For all those years of gossip. Now you’re the main attraction.”
I clapped him on the back. “Yeah, yeah,” I said, half-turning back towards the trail. “But I’ll tell you now. There isn’t anything there, man. It’s not a thing.”
Scott only nodded, whistling again to the crew lying tired across the rocks. “Whatever you say. And listen, thanks again for the food. Real act of kindness.”
I shrugged with a grin. “Any time. Honestly. I can make a delivery again tomorrow if it would help? I’m supposed to drive some extra water over to Charlie’s house. I can swing by and make sure you guys are fed too.”
Fall in Love Book Bundle: Small Town Romance Box Set Page 209
