‘Stop hiding things then! Stop keeping secrets from me! You said there was nothing else, now this. What am I supposed to think?’
‘Yes, I know. I should have told you the whole story straight away but I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting you.’ He held out his arms, a gesture of hopelessness. ‘I seem to have managed that anyway. Look, I’m sorry, OK? What else do you want me to say?’
Gray’s eyes were shiny in the darkness, appealing to her. She couldn’t answer him. No words would come. There was only a great shard of misery peeling away at her heart, revealing the soft, vulnerable core. Fighting back tears, she clutched the top bar of the gate. In the field, the corn swayed as the breath of the night air passed through it. Her thoughts had turned full circle and again she remembered that Gray hadn’t trusted her and, what was more to the point, could she trust him now?
Something else occurred to her. ‘Al mentioned you were having trouble with a woman client, when we went out to dinner. Seemed to think it was funny. Did he mean Tasmin?’ She didn’t wait for an answer. ‘Well, isn’t that just the ticket! Al and Karina know all about it – that’s what Al was hinting at, wasn’t he? Well, thank you, my friends, for not putting me in the picture!’
‘No, no, of course Al didn’t know. No-one knew, until now. Yes, it was Tasmin he was talking about but he was just winding me up because of the number of times she phoned me at the office. You know what Al’s like.’
Juliet hesitated. ‘Yes, I suppose so. Look, I don’t really need to ask this but the phone calls, the calls to the house when no-one spoke – that was her too, wasn’t it?’
Gray nodded. ‘Yes. I’m sorry.’
‘What the hell did you give her our number for?’
‘I didn’t. She must have got hold of it. I did leave her in the office once when I went to get her some water and when I went back she was leafing through my diary.’
Juliet shook her head in amazement. ‘And I suppose she got our address from the same source, did she?’
‘No, I think she must have followed me home one day. There was the card, too, the one that came not addressed to anyone. She sent it. Or rather she put it through the door.’
The card. Of course. And what about the times she’d felt she was being watched, incidents she’d dismissed as products of over-imagination, when all the time… ? A shiver ran through her. She ransacked her brain, trying to make sense of it all, trying to plot Gray’s moods on the contours of the past weeks. He’d cheered up, hadn’t he, after they’d come back from Spain? He’d been a lot better then, but it hadn’t lasted.
‘I knew it couldn’t go on,’ Gray continued. ‘I thought I’d go mad if it didn’t stop and I could see I was making you unhappy. That was when I knew I had to follow the rules and not have any further contact with her, no sessions, no calls, nothing. All I could think of was getting away, right away, which was when I booked our holiday.’
‘Ah.’
Gray looked at her. ‘No, darling, I didn’t mean that was the only reason.’
‘But it was why you went ahead without asking me first.’
‘Yes. I couldn’t risk you saying no. I had to get away.’
Juliet sighed. She understood, of course she did. She just didn’t know how she felt about it.
‘It helped, though, being away?’
‘Yes, I think so. I couldn’t forget about it completely but I managed to put it into perspective. It was all right after we came back, too, for a time, anyway. Then one morning she was waiting at the top of the road by my car. I didn’t speak to her, I just got in but she called out to me and then I saw Dilys coming towards us on her bike so I couldn’t just roar off in case she’d seen us.’
It went through Juliet’s mind that Gray could so easily have been giving Rachel a lift that morning – the consequences were unthinkable. ‘So you did what, exactly?’
‘I spoke to her, tried to calm her down. She kept saying she loved me and I kept telling her it was all in her imagination – which it was, of course – that it was all to do with her and nothing to do with me. That was when she threatened to drive off Beachy Head if I didn’t agree to meet her.’
‘So you did.’
‘She said it would be the last time, she just wanted to talk to me once more and that would be it.’
‘And you believed her?’
‘No, not really, but I thought there was a slight chance she meant it. I reasoned that there had to be an end to it somewhere, eventually. Juliet, I’m so, so sorry. I’ve been weak and I’ve been a total prat. I can’t believe what I’ve done to you. To us.’
Juliet heard the catch in Gray’s voice. He put his hand over hers on the gate. She didn’t move it away. She wasn’t sure how much more of this she could take but there were still things she needed to know.
‘When did you arrange to meet her? What date?’
‘I can’t remember the exact date. It was about three weeks ago.’
Juliet pulled her hand away. ‘The day you said you were going to London, to South Bank University?’
Gray hesitated. Juliet could almost hear the thought processes whirring around in his head. He swallowed. ‘That was the day, yes. I had an idea I wouldn’t be able to get rid of her too fast so I kind of booked the whole day. As it happened, we went for a walk and then we had lunch...’
‘Lunch?’
‘In a pub, yes, and then she left. I spent the rest of the day back at the office. Sorry.’
So Gray had subjected her to one of the worst days in her entire life, a day when she’d been out of her mind with worry, thinking he’d been burned alive in the tube, when all the time he was with her!
‘Sorry? Sorry?’
‘Juliet, don’t shout...’
Don’t shout? She was trying to be reasonable, she really was, and Gray looked so miserable but she wasn’t exactly turning cartwheels either, couldn’t he see that?
‘Gray, look,’ she said, hauling her voice back to normal level. ‘I think I can understand that what happened wasn’t entirely your fault. For a start you couldn’t have known that besides being barking – sorry, unbalanced – the woman must be a bit of a trumpet otherwise she wouldn’t have come on to you the way she did…’
‘Strumpet.’
‘Good. At least we agree on one thing. If she didn’t have the morals of an alley-cat she wouldn’t have pounced on you like that so perhaps you didn’t stand much of a chance.’
‘That’s very generous, Juliet. I don’t deserve it.’
No, you don’t, Juliet thought, as a vision of Gray and Tasmin embracing on the park bench sent a shudder through her, but if they were to reach a resolution at all, some kind of concession on her part was clearly called for.
Gray put his arm round her shoulders. It felt warm and comforting – she hadn’t realised how cold she was. She slipped her arm round his waist. She loved him. She loved this man with all her heart, despite what he’d done, and probably always would. They could ride this out, couldn’t they? After all, nothing truly awful had happened.
She shivered, and Gray held her closer but she felt his body tense, faintly but unmissably, bringing her back sharply to the present. Instinctively, she loosened her hold on him. They weren’t over this yet, not by a long way. There was still that seed of doubt, miniscule yet firmly planted. Much as she wished she could be, she wasn’t totally convinced of Gray’s truthfulness. Had it been just one kiss, or had there been more, a lot more? He was hardly likely to own up to it, considering what was at stake. She didn’t want to draw parallels with Declan but she couldn’t stop herself. She’d had Andrea’s husband down as a lot of things but never a womaniser, not at the beginning, anyway. People changed. Perhaps Gray had, too.
Gray broke into her thoughts. ‘You don’t think Tasmin would actually do it, do you? Drive off Beachy Head, I mean?’
‘She can launch herself into space from bloody Cape Canaveral for all I care!’
‘You don’t mean that.’
Juliet thought for a moment. No, of course she didn’t wish the plainly unhappy Tasmin any harm, despite the trouble she’d caused. She just wanted her out of Gray’s life, and hers.
‘No, I don’t, but I don’t think she’ll do anything silly either so stop worrying about her because she isn’t your responsibility. Never was.’
Juliet shuffled her feet in the grass. She felt so tired and her chest ached with the sheer effort of breathing. So what happened now? Did they go back to the barn, carry on with the weekend as best they could, but what about afterwards?
‘I’m not sure what we do next,’ Gray said, as if he’d read her mind.
‘What do you want to do?’
‘Turn the clock back, obviously, wipe it all away, but since we can’t, I think it might be best if we put some space between us. Give ourselves time to think.’
‘But I don’t want time to think! I just want you. You still love me, don’t you?’ Juliet’s heart hammered.
Gray sighed, rubbing his hand over his head. ‘Of course I still love you but I need time, even if you don’t. This whole thing with Tasmin, it’s brought up so many questions, in here –‘ he tapped his temple – ‘and it’s made me want to re-examine where my life’s going. Do you see?’
No, she didn’t see. She didn’t see at all. Surely Gray wasn’t going to let one half-batty client destroy his career? That would be total madness. He’d resurrected dying businesses, motivated managers to, well, manage, and sorted out all kinds of lost souls as he honed his life coaching skills. Looking at the set of his mouth now, though, she could see there was no point in trying to convince him. Unless, of course, he wasn’t talking about his career at all, unless he meant the way his life was going with her. If she pressed him now he might just say the very thing she didn’t want to hear. She would have to go along with him, be grown up, put aside her feelings and be practical.
She took a deep breath. ‘Right then, I’ll go home in the morning. That will give you the rest of the weekend to yourself, apart from Lizzie and Martin of course but at least you’ll be apart from me for a bit.’
She tried to smile but it wasn’t quite there.
‘I didn’t mean… of course you don’t have to go home. That would be silly.’
Juliet’s hackles rose. She wished he’d make up his mind. ‘Why would it? You just said you wanted to put some space between us. It has to be me who goes – they’re your parents, not mine.’
There was a brief silence while Gray seemed to be contemplating this.
‘I’m sorry, darling,’ he said, eventually. ‘I didn’t just mean the weekend, I meant afterwards. It’s nothing against you, it’s me. I need to be on my own for a while, to sort myself out, and I don’t think I can do it with you there. I’m so sorry.’
15
The sunlight woke Juliet in the morning, which was just as well since she hadn’t picked up the alarm clock when she’d hastily gathered up her things last night and moved in here, the little bedroom that Rachel used. It had been decorated to her requirements – yellow walls, yellow-and-white checked curtains, yellow duvet cover – and Martin had joked that it would be like waking up in a bowl of custard but if a yellow room was Rachel’s desire, a yellow room she should have.
That was typical of Martin and Lizzie’s kindness. That was the kind of people they were, kind, sweet and generous, and Gray could possibly be about to break their hearts as well as hers. Triple whammy, Gray. Well done.
‘So you’re leaving me then,’ she’d said last night, and he had insisted he was doing no such thing, it was only temporary and the decision was a conscious, considered one – it wasn’t merely a petulant knee-jerk reaction to a difficult situation.
She had tried to understand, because it was important for Gray, and for her too, that she did, but she’d found it impossible. When she asked how long he would be away he said he didn’t know exactly, but it wouldn’t be for long and he loved her very much.
The best thing she could do now, the kindest thing for both of them, was to get out of here as quickly as possible. She hadn’t promised Gray she would see the rest of the weekend out and it wasn’t fair of him to expect her to. She had already written him a brief note last night, nothing too emotional – she’d simply asked him to apologise to Lizzie and Martin for her and said she would see him at home whenever he wanted to call for his things, then she’d signed it with her love and one kiss. She would leave it in here and he would find it after she’d gone.
Slipping out of the narrow bed, she looked for her robe but she’d left that in the other room too, along with her pyjamas. The house was silent and a dewy mistiness hung over the fields so it must still be early. It wasn’t likely that anyone else was about yet so she could probably risk the dash to the bathroom in her knickers. Easing up the door latch, she tip-toed on to the landing and ran slap-bang into Gray, who was fully dressed.
Damn! She crossed her arms over her chest, then realised she had no free hand with which to open the bathroom door. Gray opened it for her and as she was about to mutter a thank-you and scuttle inside, he said: ‘I couldn’t sleep. I’m going for a walk. Do you want to come?’
She turned round, forgetting to keep herself covered, and Gray’s eyes immediately took their accustomed route downwards.
‘I’m going home, back to Brighton.’
‘Well, if that’s what you want.’ He sounded relieved.
‘It’s not what I want, it’s what’s most sensible.’
‘How are you getting home? I mean, take the car, of course, if you like. I’ll go back by train.’
Since Gray hated her driving his car, this was a generous offer, but no, she’d be perfectly all right on the train, she told him, without adding that she didn’t want to drive all that way in any case, not in her state of mind.
She went into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.
‘Are you sure I can’t get you some breakfast? It’s such a long journey.’ Martin indicated the station cafe. His shirt was buttoned up all wrong and his grey hair stuck up in tufts at the back of his head. He hadn’t had much time to get ready.
Juliet’s heart gave a little squeeze. She smiled. ‘No, really, I’ll be fine, and thanks again for the lift.’
And for not asking any questions on the way. The five mile drive to Crewkerne station had been conducted with impeccable behaviour on both sides, Martin chatting intermittently about nothing in particular, Juliet responding with small-talk of her own, as if they were on the way to the shops or something, the occasional concerned glances he bestowed on her being the only indication that all was not as it should be.
Obviously, Lizzie and Martin had known that there’d been a monumental falling-out but neither had made any mention of it. Instead they had concentrated on practicalities, Martin scouring the internet for train times, Lizzie checking the house for essential items Juliet may have forgotten to pack. The train could be draughty - did she have a sweater handy? Would she like a bottle of mineral water to take with her? Some sandwiches, perhaps? While all this was going on, Gray had kept a low profile, hovering silently in the background.
Earlier, he had assumed he would drive her to the station but she’d easily dissuaded him. The journey would have been awkward – either they would have argued all the way or kept up a forced politeness and Gray knew that as well as she did. It was while they were dithering about that Martin had quickly assessed the lie of the land and got the car out, waving aside Juliet’s assertion that she could easily get a taxi.
‘I’ll ring you,’ Gray had said as the car door closed on her and she had merely nodded and tried not to think too much.
At Crewkerne, Martin insisted on parking the car and carrying her bag as far as the ticket office.
‘See you soon, sunshine,’ he said, giving her a hug, as if it was the end of an ordinary visit.
‘Yes, see you soon.’
She turned away then, taking her place in the queue, so he wouldn’t see the tears i
n her eyes but when she looked round again, Martin had gone.
It was gone half past one by the time Juliet thrust a ten pound note at the taxi driver and lugged her hold-all to the front door. She felt grubby, muddle-headed with exhaustion and emotion and her stomach grumbled acidly, having been treated to nothing all day but a cup of tea and a panini she’d bought, and only eaten half of, when she’d changed trains at Basingstoke.
She hadn’t considered until now how she might explain her untimely return to Rachel and Andrea and, actually, she thought as she unzipped her shoulder bag and took out her key, she didn’t much care. With any luck, Andrea would have taken Rachel out for lunch but even if she hadn’t, all she wanted was a quick shower before falling into bed and they would just have to get on with it.
Before she could insert the key in the lock, the door flew open to reveal Dilys, wild-eyed and puce in the face.
‘Oh, you’re back, Mrs C. I saw you getting out of the taxi.’
What on earth was Dilys doing here on a Saturday? Oh yes. Juliet remembered now – she’d told her she couldn’t make Monday because she was ‘up the hospital with her knee’ and she’d insisted on coming today instead. ‘The secret of a clean house is keeping up with the dirt!’ she’d declared, waiving aside Juliet’s assertion that one missed day wouldn’t make any difference. Honestly, anyone would think they were up to their necks in muck and filth. Still standing on the doorstep, Juliet watched with alarm as Dilys, her cheeks gleaming damply, clutched her ample chest and wheezed as if she’d just smoked twenty Bensons on the trot.
‘Dilys, are you all right?’
Juliet stepped into the hall. Dilys retreated a few inches but remained stalwartly filling the space between Juliet and the bottom of the stairs. Without taking her eyes off Juliet, Dilys cocked her head in the general direction of the stairs.
‘Dyson’s dead,’ she said, gloomily.
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