. . . to use the bathroom, but not the garage
Can you figure out why Gross Garret likes the things he does?
Stinky Stuff
Do you want to hear some fart jokes?
No, they really stink.
What’s invisible and smells like bananas?
Monkey farts.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Inna
Inna who?
Inna minute there’s going to
be a bad smell in here.
Mother: You have been burping all day!
Daughter: It’s your fault, you gave me those belchin’ waffles for breakfast.
What kind of book does a skunk like to read?
A best smeller.
Why did the car smell so bad?
It was full of gas.
Totally Twisted
To become an expert farter, start eating fart-inducing foods. Cheese, broccoli, onions, milk, beans, and carbonated beverages are all fart fuel. Another fart tip: If you drink through a straw you’ll swallow more air, and chances are you’ll get some nice smelly toots.
What smells like a human but isn’t a human?
A cannibal fart.
What do burps and kitchens have in common?
They both smell like dinner.
Chapter 29
The Gross-ery Store
Why did the crackers turn green?
They felt crumby.
What kind of meal has both pig parts and human parts?
Pork and beings.
Why did the ham go to the doctor?
It wanted to be cured.
What am I?
I am considered a delicacy by many people around the world. I am made up of cow cheeks or perhaps a pig’s nose. Just wrap me up and throw me in a pot for a couple of hours, chill, and then serve on a great big sandwich.
What am I?
Totally Twisted
Make a halitosis sandwich. Start with strong cheese like Gorgonzola. Put it on bread, add fresh garlic, and top with lots of onions. For an extra foul smell add tuna. Other stinky foods include hot pepper, Tabasco sauce, and scallions. Enjoy your lunch and then go breathe on someone you don’t want to be friends with anymore.
Customer: Waiter, why is my pie smushed?
Waiter: Because you said “A slice of cherry pie, and step on it!”
What’s sugary on the outside and green on the inside?
A snot-filled donut.
Why did the coffee smell like dirt?
It was just ground.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you eat on your crackers when you’re stuck in traffic?
Traffic jam.
Why is food in a monastery so greasy?
It’s cooked by friars.
What happens to babies that eat Rice Krispies?
They go snap, crackle, poop.
How did the beans affect Johnny’s intestines?
They rectum.
What am I?
I have tentacles that ooze poisonous slippery mucus. I eat nonstop and poop all the time. When I’m frightened I will push my own guts right out of my rear end to ensnare my attacker. If I get really upset I’ll shoot thread out of my rear end and lasso my attacker!
What am I?
What happened to the man who ate too much blue cheese?
He blew chunks.
What happened to the grocery store owner who sat on the meat slicer?
He got behind in his deliveries.
What do you get if you cross a skeleton with peanut butter?
Bones that stick to the roof of your mouth.
Who Foofed?
Someone in this room has accidentally passed some gas. Can you find the path that STARTs at the nose and ENDs at the smelly fellow who needs to say “Excuse me!”
Why are franks and beans good fuel?
Because they provide an endless supply of natural gas.
Is it okay to eat potato chips with your fingers?
No, it’s a bad combination.
How do you make a casserole?
Put it on roller blades.
Seriously Sick
The praying mantis has a pretty sickening diet. Once it chooses its prey, it stabs it with a sharp needle-like appendage. It eats lizards, small birds, and its own babies! Oh, and after the female praying mantis mates, she sometimes likes to eat her partner.
What’s red and green and quivers?
Rotten Jell-O.
What’s the most annoying thing about eating pigs-in-a-blanket?
The pigs squeal really loudly when you take a bite.
What’s worse than eating fresh vomit pie?
Eating two-day-old vomit pie.
What do you get when you cross your dog with an omelet?
Pooched eggs.
Rita: This gravy is awful.
Leah: I made it in my pajamas.
Rita: No wonder it’s so bad.
What am I?
You can hold me in your hand and I will slip and slide around. I am made up of water and protein, but I feel like slimy goo. When you think about me, you don’t realize how gross I can be until you actually drop me on the floor. It’s only when you can’t clean me up because I’m so sticky and drippy that you realize how nasty I am. But the truth is, I could have been a baby!
What am I?
What’s lumpy and green and comes in small containers?
Yogurt gone bad.
What do foot doctors eat for breakfast?
Corn flakes.
What happened to the grape when the ogre sat on it?
It let out a little wine.
How do you make a banana shake?
Sneak up on it and scream.
What do you get if you mix onions and beans?
Tear gas.
What happened to the toddler who ate too much?
He tossed his cookies.
Seriously Sick
Bacteria loves to live on sponges. It loves the grease from your dishes and the wet moistness that the sponge provides. Sponges are the perfect breeding ground for more bacteria. Think about that the next time you’re washing dishes with an old sponge.
What’s the difference between boogers and Brussels sprouts?
Kids don’t eat Brussels sprouts.
What do you call someone who poisons your breakfast?
A cereal killer.
Doctor: Why is your son crying?
Mother: He has baked beans stuck up his nose.
Doctor: Well, why is your daughter crying?
Mother: She wants her lunch back.
Why do people who harvest vegetables have noses?
So they have something to pick during the cold season.
Mrs. Jones: We’re having Mother for dinner tomorrow night.
Mr. Jones: Can’t we just have hamburgers?
Knock Knock Who’s there?
Eyeball.
Eyeball who?
Eyeball every time I have to eat your food!
What do you call a millionaire with really bad body odor?
To find the answer to this riddle, color in the letters that appear more than two times. Read the remaining letters from left to right and top to bottom.
Customer: I can’t eat this food, it’s horrible.
Call the chef.
Waiter: It’s a waste of time, he can’t eat it either.
What do you get if you eat prune pizza?
Pizzeria.
Waiter: I have boiled liver, cow brains, and chicken feet.
Customer: I don’t want to hear your medical problems, I just want some lunch.
Customer: Waiter, waiter!
My dinner is talking to me.
Well, you asked for a tongue sandwich.
What did the pig name his supermarket?
Stop in slop.
Totally Twisted
Quench your thirst with sludge water. You’ll need melted chocolate ice cream and somethin
g carbonated such as seltzer or cola. Add bits of chocolate or raisins. Prepare this for your friends on a hot day. If they hesitate, offer to try it first.
Seriously Sick
Around the world insects of all kinds are considered tasty treats. In parts of China, people eat de-winged, fried grasshoppers. In parts of South America, biting the head off a live giant ant is the perfect snack. And in the West Indies, roasted grubs make an excellent lunch. Yum!
Why did the blueberry need a lawyer?
It was in a jam.
What’s worse than finding a maggot in your cereal?
Finding half a maggot in your cereal.
What’s green, brown, and slimy and comes out of your nose?
Chocolate milk after a good joke.
Totally Twisted
Blood pudding is made of real cow or pig blood, so it definitely meets gross factor requirements. To make your own blood pudding, you will need a cup of milk, a teaspoon of sugar, a cup of rice, four cups of cow blood, and a cup of bread crumbs. With an adult’s help, mix it all up and bake it for two hours. Mmm.
If a nut on the wall is a walnut, what do you call a nut in the toilet bowl?
A pee can.
What’s the difference between roast pork and pea soup?
Anyone can roast pork.
What’s red and gooey and found in a shark’s mouth?
Slow swimmers.
How do you know when a dumpster is full of toadstools?
There isn’t mushroom inside.
What do you call a guy who sells vegetables and throws up all day?
A green grocer.
How can you tell if there are rat pieces in your cookies?
Read the ingredients.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Pudding.
Pudding who?
Pudding all that chili on your hotdog is
going to make you puke.
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Fajita.
Fajita who?
Fajita ’nother bite, I’ll be sick.
Totally Twisted
Make edible acne with cherry tomatoes and cream cheese. Have an adult core out the center of the cherry tomatoes and then fill with cream cheese. Once the tomatoes (pimples) are filled, make sure to give them a good squeeze so the pus starts oozing out. Even if you don’t have zits on your face, you can still pop these—and then eat them!
Foul Language
Curdle
Did you ever pour some milk in your cereal that had been sitting around a little too long? Not only is there a horrible smell, but the milk isn’t even milk anymore, it’s just clumps of goop. When something like milk or yogurt goes bad, it’s considered curdled.
George: I just saw a man eating shark!
Ted: Where?
George: In a restaurant.
What do you get when you eat a lollipop that has a mosquito on it?
A bloodsucker.
What kind of sandwich do kids hate to take for lunch?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
Why did the chef put exactly
239 beans in his pot of chili?
To find the answer to this riddle, drop the letters from each column into the squares directly below them. Careful—the letters won’t always be in the same order! Black squares are the spaces between words.
Chapter 30
Gooey Games and Sickening Sports
What position did the pig play in football?
Swinebacker.
What happens when a football player kicks a duck?
He foots the bill.
What is an insect’s favorite game?
Cricket.
Why don’t centipedes play football?
By the time they get their shoes on, the game is over.
GROSS-O-METER
In 1998, thousands of black money spiders gathered on a ball field in England and created the largest spider web ever reported. It covered over eleven acres. Showing up to soccer practice and getting caught in a humongous sticky, nasty spider web ranks a solid eight on the Gross-o-meter scale.
Totally Twisted
To have a relay race with egg yolks, separate a group of friends into teams of three. Make sure each team member is standing a good distance away. The first person on each team gets a nice gooey egg yolk on a spoon. The goal is to pass the egg yolk to your teammates without breaking it. Whichever team gets to the finish line with the most yolk wins.
Why is it so hard to get a job as a sword fighter?
The competition is very cutthroat.
How do you know if a fly is a great American football player?
He’s in the sugar bowl.
What kind of competition do mosquitoes like?
Skin diving.
Why did the fans bring toilet paper to the baseball game?
The bases were loaded.
Where’s Walmo?
Can you find Walmo by using this description?
• Food in teeth
• White shirt with dark stain
• Dark jeans with light stain
• 3 zits
Totally Twisted
To put together a gross scavenger hunt, make a list of the nasty things that lurk around your house and garden. For example, rotting fruit from the garbage, spider webs, slugs, worms, and dustballs. Gather your friends and start the hunt. The winner is the first to find all the items on the list.
What do you call the head roach of a football team?
The roach coach.
What game do zombies play in the schoolyard?
Swallow the leader.
Do you remember when you lost your first tooth?
Yeah, I couldn’t believe my brother could kick a football so well.
What do vampires eat at a baseball game?
Fangfurters.
What was everybody’s favorite game show at the leper colony?
Leperdy.
Totally Twisted
Drink a lot of carbonated beverages through a straw so you get real gassy. Your mission is to burp the entire alphabet—backwards. You’ll have to practice a lot. Don’t be discouraged if you only get up to S the first time around. Just try again, no matter how annoying people tell you you’re being.
Name That Poop
Phantom Poop
This is when you think you have to poop, and you try really hard to poop, but no poop comes out.
The No Evidence Poop
This is when you poop a huge poop and you see it, but there’s nothing on the toilet paper to prove it.
Sloppy Poop
This is when you wipe and wipe and the poop just won’t go away. So, you have to either take a shower or just keep toilet paper in your pants till it dries up.
I’d Give My Kingdom for a Poop
This is when you have to go so badly that you throw your sister to the floor to stop her from going into the bathroom before you.
But once you’re seated, you just can’t poop!
This is probably the worst kind of poop there is.
The Fake-Out Poop
This is when you think you’re done pooping so you wipe and flush, but then you realize you still have more poop in you. Only now, your whole family is waiting by the door to get into the bathroom, so you have to hurry.
The Fart Poop
This is when you poop and fart at the same time, and it stinks so bad you can’t even breathe. Everyone can hear you poop, too.
The Turtle Poop
This is when you’re trying to poop and it comes out a little and then goes right back inside. It takes a couple of tries to finally get it out.
The Watermelon Poop
This poop doesn’t smell like watermelon, but rather it feels like one! It feels like the biggest poop of your life and you wonder how in the world it’s going to come out of your body. When it finally comes out, you’re ready for a nap.
The Dump Truck Poop
This is when you’ve been holding it fo
r so long that when it finally comes out, your whole rear end gets a giant splash from the force of the poop.
The Curly Poop
This poop is so long that it actually coils up inside the toilet bowl. If it weren’t so gross, you’d want to show your friends just how long this poop really is.
Why do frogs join baseball teams?
They catch all the pop flies.
What kind of ball should you never play baseball with?
An eyeball.
What do you call a snowman with a suntan?
A puddle.
How did the ghosts win their football game?
They kicked a field ghoul.
How are shoes similar to a losing football team?
They hate to suffer defeat.
Totally Twisted
Play the putrid picnic game! Gather a group of friends and go around the circle naming gross things you might bring to a putrid picnic in alphabetical order. For example, if your letter is M, you can say, “I’m bringing moldy mushrooms.” Keep going around the circle until you’ve completed the whole alphabet.
What’s the best puzzle for someone with zits?
To find the answer to this riddle, think of a word that best fits each of the descriptions. Write the words on the numbered lines, and then transfer each letter into the numbered grid.
Totally Twisted
You can make your own edible barf. All you’ll need is a cup of oatmeal, chocolate cocoa powder, and applesauce. Mix together in a pot until it bubbles, but don’t let it burn. If you want vomit with chunks, throw in some dried pineapple. Then show your friends how you eat your own “vomit.”
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Jamaica.
Jamaica who?
Jamaica mud pie today?
Hide the Gross Stuff
Jumbo Jokes and Riddles Book Page 20
