by Alisa Adams
She was not a learned person – no farm people were – but she was intuitive, and somehow, she understood how he felt without feeling it herself. And now she was not angry – she felt desperately, desperately sorry for him.
She went about her duties as usual, but at the back of her mind, at all times, was what she could do to help him. She knew that he was immensely frustrated by his lack of ability to recall anything, and thought she might be too under the same circumstances. She resolved not to hold his former fierceness against him.
On the next Sunday, when they went to afternoon service in the village church, they took him with them since his ankle had improved enough for him to limp along on it. He was wearing his own fine clothes again since they were the only ones that would fit him. Shona felt his embarrassment as he tried to be courteous to the friendly people around him. They were curious, but he could tell them nothing.
Shona held his arm and took him outside where they could look over the loch. Suddenly he gripped her hand, and his eyes took on a fixed, glazed look. Shona's heart leaped.
"Ye remember somethin'?" she asked urgently.
He shook his head wildly. "No – NO!" He almost screamed it. "I almost had it, and it – went…"
She locked her arms around him to keep him from hurting himself by pulling his hair out again. Eventually, he stopped and looked down at her, then he did the last thing either of them expected. He kissed her; a hard, bruising kiss that almost made her lips bleed. It was not an expression of affection. If anything, it was an explosive gesture of anger.
It took all her strength to push him away, but she did it. His weak leg gave way, and he landed on the ground and cried out with pain. She wiped her lips on her sleeve, then stood, looking down at him, eyes blazing.
"Dinna' ever speak to me again!" she hissed out. "Unless 'tis to ask for food. I want ye tae ignore me. Dinna' even look at me, ye—" She could not find a word hateful enough for him, so she turned on her heel and went back into the church.
When they were going back home on the ox cart, Shona was so quiet that her mother remarked on it.
"A' right, lass?" She put her hand on Shona's.
She smiled back at her mother. "Jist a wee bit headache, Ma," she said, passing a hand over her forehead. It was true. Just as she had thought she was getting to know Lachlan, he had done something utterly incomprehensible and unforgivable.
Lachlan was feeling wretched. What had possessed him? It must have been the memory that he had seen but not quite grasped. Had it been a face? Whatever it had been, he should never have kissed Shona, and especially not in that demeaning and disrespectful way.
He stared into the distance as the memory of a face came back to him. It was a beautiful woman's face, with deep dark eyes and high arched brows, hair as dark as the night sky and a slender white neck like a swan. Her English, when she spoke, was softly accented and dripped off her tongue like honey. He was gently undressing her and unveiling all the mysteries hidden from him till now, like her softly rounded breasts with their dark aureoles, the curve of her belly, the pit of her navel that made her laugh when he tickled it. She was all he wanted in a woman, and they had been promised to each other for such a long time that neither could wait a moment longer.
Their parents had betrothed them when they were children, and now she was twenty, and he was twenty-five. They had both matured into handsome and beautiful adults, and Pilar – her name was Pilar – was ready and eager to bear him a child. And now here she was, his wife and in his bed at last. He had been gentle with her when he undressed her, but she was not gentle with him. She was in such haste that she ripped his tunic and tore it off him. He laughed. He had bedded a few women in his bachelor days, but none as ferocious as this, and he hoped it was a good omen for their future married life. He would take it as one. He let her carry on frantically divesting him of his clothes till they were both naked, then she studied him from head to foot, running a hand over the dusting of hair on his chest.
"We are not the same," she whispered, astonished.
Lachlan laughed, took her hand, and rubbed it against his rough cheek. "Feel," he said gently. "Look, of course we're not the same. I am—" He searched for the Spanish word. "El hombre." Then he pointed to her. "La mujer. We are different. Like Adam and Eve."
She shook her head mutely. It had never occurred to her that, although they wore different clothes and had different shapes, somehow, they would be quite as different as this!
Lachlan felt desperately sorry for her, and so angry that they had let her go to her wedding night so unprepared, so sheltered that she knew nothing of life.
"There is nothing to be frightened of," he whispered.
He lay down on the bed and pulled her with him, then she lay with her head on his shoulder for a while, and he stroked her hair. He kissed her, then gently let his hand trail over her body. She was trembling as his mouth followed the path of his hand. He kissed her softly all over and came back to her lips, then looked into the dark depths of her eyes.
"I'm a man, and you're a woman," he whispered, "and this is how we make children. You will grow to love it, and me, I hope."
"Yes, Lachlan," she answered trustingly, "show me – I am yours."
As gently as he could, he pushed past the resistance inside her. She gave a gasp and a moan of pain, then her body jerked, just once. But when they were moving together there were moans of pleasure, and just after he had spilled his seed into her, he heard her give a deep, satisfied sigh.
She pulled his head down for a kiss. "Oh, mi carino." She smiled into his eyes. "Am I your wife now?"
He laughed softly. "Yes, sweetheart, you truly are."
Consequences
"Lachlan!" Campbell's voice jerked him out of his reverie. He started, then scrambled out of the cart. Another few days and his leg would be able to bear weight without the splint, then he could go – where?
Shona went into the house, and his eyes followed her. He felt embarrassed, regretful, and most of all angry with himself. Why had he done it? What on earth had possessed him to attack her like that – because, yes, it had been an attack. He groaned as he thought of it.
After they had eaten their Sunday mutton stew that night, Shona went out for a walk, as was her custom occasionally. Lachlan looked after her thoughtfully as she walked down the path to the lake. He should speak to her, he knew, but he could not yet navigate the path on his own. Angus came up behind him so quietly that it gave him a fright, then laughed. Lachlan decided to keep the memory to himself. It was too precious to share.
"Sorry," Angus said, "I am told I have very quiet footsteps. My sister is very bonny, is she not?" His eyes were twinkling.
"She is indeed," Lachlan replied, smiling.
"Ye could dae much worse." Angus gave him a teasing look, and Lachlan sighed.
"Let me remember a few things first," he said grimly. "I may be married already for all I know. Anyway, she doesn’t favor me."
Angus laughed. "Pfft! Our Shona doesna' favor any lad," he said airily. "Says she will never get married, but you watch, Lachlan, she'll be wantin' bairns like any other lass, an' she wilna get them withoot a man!" He paused for a moment. "There are dozens of upright young men oot there wantin' her hand, and she turns doon every one of them. Thinks she's something special, does our Shona."
Lachlan looked moodily out at the loch as Angus left. Something about it troubled him today. It looked much the same as any other day but there was a hint of sun peeking out from behind a cloud, and a perfect rainbow was making a marvelous arch over the water. On the shore, he could see that Shona was standing still watching it, as immobile as a statue. He sighed. There was something waiting under the surface of his mind, just like the mythical monster under the water. He had dreamt of that, and it was terrifying, and he hoped that his memories – if they came back – would not be equally so.
The days were very short now, and the evenings very long. After the goats had been milked and the eggs bro
ught in it was the family's custom to sit and sing, talk and tell stories. It was a happy time, and Shona's face in the candlelight was full of the joy of being with the ones she loved. She was sitting on a wooden settle, and she and her father had their arms around each other, her head on his shoulder. She was laughing at the ridiculous story he was telling, and her glance suddenly fell on Lachlan. She gave him a look of pure venom and turned her head away.
He struggled to his feet and lay down on his mattress, feigning discomfort. He told himself he despised her oversensitivity, despised her scorn, but the truth was that it hurt him. It hurt him very, very much.
He was drifting off to sleep, lulled by the voices and laughter of the family, when another one of the strange dreams came to visit him again.
There was a horse, a magnificent gray stallion with a dark velvet muzzle, and it was standing blowing out its nostrils and stamping its feet in impatience. The horse's name was Jamie, and he had acquired him as a birthday present. He had been small and insubstantial as a foal, but in his prime, at seven years old, he was no longer wraithlike, but at least a ton of prime horseflesh, every ounce of it devoted to Lachlan. I must be rich, he thought excitedly, to own a horse like this.
Pilar came running into the stable yard, and there was a little black dog trotting after her. She too was dressed expensively, in a silk and lace riding habit with a fine woolen cloak. Her eyes were alight with excitement.
"Am I riding, Jamie?" she asked, batting her eyelids playfully.
"No, you are not, my Lady!" he answered. "He is too big for you."
"Please?" She wound her arms around his neck, then whispered something in his ear.
Lachlan blushed at the memory and boosted her onto the horse's back in all her finery. I was as happy then as a man could ever be, he thought.
He woke to the noise of the heavy storm that was coming in over the loch. It was still dark, but the fire-warmed room was cozy. Today they were going to take the splint off, and he couldn't wait to walk freely again.
Campbell cut it off carefully, and Lachlan stood with his feet on the floor again, then breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't painful at all – just a tiny bit stiff.
"Seems fine," he said, smiling at Campbell."Now I can work, and pull my weight."
Campbell patted him on the back. "Ye're a fine big lad, but ye're not a farmer."
Lachlan frowned. "How can you tell?" he asked, puzzled.
"Yer hands, son." He held his own hands out, palm upward. They were ingrained with old dirt. When he turned them over, the nails were outlined in it. It was under all the fingernails. "Touch them," he ordered. Lachlan did so and found them as rough as sandpaper. "Now yours," Campbell ordered.
Lachlan held up his hands, smooth and white, soft on the palms and with nails which had no dirt anywhere.
"I wid say ye're a gentleman," Campbell went on, "or a priest, but ye dinna' look like any priest I've ever seen.”
No, I'm definitely not a priest, he thought wryly. He sighed.
"Well, whatever I am," he said determinedly, "I aim to work today, so tell me what you want me to do."
Campbell, not wanting to tire him too much, set him to work on cleaning out the ox's stall – taking out the soiled straw and replacing it with new stuff. It was grim, boring work and gave his mind time to wander.
He remembered sitting by a stream, wishing he could climb the trees on the other bank with their tempting branches that were just out of reach. He would have scrambled up as far as he could and picked all the fir cones off to throw in the water. His nanny was with him, and her name was Nanny Ishbel. He always wanted something – a new ball, his own pony, a puppy, but she always said that he'd get them when he grew up.
"When will I be grown up, Nanny Ishbel?" he asked plaintively.
Nanny had kind blue eyes and dark gray hair, and Lachlan saw her far more than he saw his own mother, and indeed, loved her more. She looked at him now with her steady eyes.
"Why, lad." She patted him on the head and drew him close. "Dinna hurry so. Ye'll know when ye get there."
"How?" he demanded.
"Well, ye'll be much taller, yer beard will grow, and ye'll have a deep growly voice." She dropped her voice an octave. "Like this."
Lachlan laughed. "And will I get married?"
"Indeed, ye will, and ye will have lots of wee Lachlans of yer ain."
Lachlan sighed. "It seems like such a long time to wait." He sighed, putting his arms around her waist.
She hugged him tightly. "'Twill fly past before ye know it, my lovely boy." Ishbel looked down at the chestnut-haired child who seemed like her own. His parents were distant, and he came to her for love, yet he was not hers, nor she his.
Lachlan had drifted off into a daydream. He was staring into space, leaning on the hay fork, and when Shona came in, he was startled, not hearing her. She handed him a cup of milk, and he held onto her hand as he took it from her. She tugged and tugged, but he was too strong for her.
"Let go of me or I'll scream," she hissed out furiously.
"Shona, I wanted to apologize," he said, running his fingers back through his hair in agitation. "What I did was shameful. I don't know what came over me. Please forgive me."
He let go of her hand, and she snatched it away, rubbing her wrist as if he had caused her a serious injury. Then she gave him one last poisonous look and ran out.
He stood, defeated for a moment, then his anger rose to meet her own. He had sinned, yes, but he could not undo what had been done. He had tried to make amends. What more could he do? Damn the woman – why was she so maddening and yet so… desirable?
Some Conclusions
Lachlan, after mucking out the barn, had been sent to get some fish out of the loch for dinner. Lachlan realized that having very few memories rendered him almost bereft of conversation, and yet he found great pleasure in listening. These people never seemed to run out of things to talk about. Sometimes Angus, Brody, and Cameron would walk over to the other farms to trade grain, eggs or salted fish because sharing and bartering were natural to them. They brought back gossip from the village and tales about their neighbors, which caused scandalous faces and much hilarity.
When Lachlan went down to the fish traps he pulled out eight small brown trout – One each and one left over, he thought with satisfaction.
Catriona was delighted with him. "For a toff, you are an awfully useful man to have aroon'!"
Lachlan was intrigued. "Why do you think I'm a toff?" he asked, laughing.
"The way ye speak, for a start," she replied, putting a hand on his shoulder. "An' the delicate way ye dae things. An' ye have good manners – ye havena' learned tae grab for yer food like my lot. Ye may starve roon' here, mind!"
Lachlan wrestled with his decision for a minute and eventually decided to take Catriona into his confidence.
"Mistress Donaldson," he began, but she flapped her hand at him.
"My name is Catriona, an' you are one of the family now," she said firmly. "Call me by my Christian name."
He nodded, then said awkwardly, "Catriona, may I take you into my confidence?"
"Of course, lad. Sit doon." She smiled at him, then took his hands in hers. They were as rough as Campbell's. "Somethin's troublin' ye, lad. Whit is it? I promise it willna leave this room."
He sighed. "I think," he began, "only think so far, that I might be a laird or a person of means. I keep remembering things. I had a nanny and a horse. And I think I may have a wife. She's foreign, Spanish, and very beautiful, but I still don't know where I come from. And I might be just imagining all this. Mayhap I just need to believe it because I am scared not to."
He looked at her with such desperation that her heart went out to him. Like Shona, she had tried to put herself in Lachlan's position, and she too had failed.
"If this is true, ye need tae find oot, lad," she replied. "There may be people who rely on ye. Mayhap ye have children, young though ye are. Ye can stay here with us, get yer strength
back, then go intae Inverness and find oot as much as ye can. If you are a laird, somebody will know ye."
"That's true," Lachlan murmured, "and I have a feeling that there are many more memories in here." He tapped his head. "Still to come out." He sat looking absently out of the window for a while, then went outside to help bring in the animals. Snow was coming, and it was going to be the beginning of a long, brutal winter.
Despite herself, Shona was desperately attracted to Lachlan. She dreamed about him at night, dreams where she lay folded in his arms, resting her head on his shoulder. He would kiss her and – her modesty would not allow her to go any further forward, even though Catriona, unlike most mothers, had prepared her daughter for her wedding night.
Shona was drawn towards him because although he was a big man, his size and strength had not protected him from this sudden twist of fate which was seemingly insurmountable. Part of her wanted to say that he was a ruthless scoundrel, but another part wanted not to judge him so harshly, after all, she had no idea how she would cope in his circumstances. It had been a moment of weakness, perhaps, and he had said sorry.
She was preparing the morning porridge, and he brought in the milk, then set the jug down on the table and left quietly. She looked out of the window and saw him yoking up the ox for plowing. She drew in her breath as she took in the rippling muscles on his arms and chest, and the ridged ones on his stomach. Underneath his linen working hose were the bulges of strong thigh muscles, and a strange tingling sensation she had never felt before came to her in a part of her body that was unused to such things. She wanted him in every way a woman should want a man, even though she really only had the haziest idea what that meant.
God help me, she thought as she gazed at him. Why am I feeling this way?
Catriona came up behind her and caught her gaze, which was now fixated on Lachlan's movements. She smiled. Her daughter was so mesmerized she hadn't even heard her mother coming up behind her.
