by Jami Wagner
“So what if it was cheesy? It was the truth.”
He pulls me in for another kiss. This time, I cut it off quickly.
“Tripp, I still think we should talk about this. We go from never getting along to living together to somewhat getting along to civil to make-out buddies. Isn’t that weird to you? How do I know you’re not kissing me only for the fact that I was here for you when you needed someone and maybe you have confused gratitude with something else?”
He shakes his head. “How did you just process all of that right now? That’s a lot to think about.”
“Well …”
“Are you making out with me because you feel sorry for me?” he asks.
“No.”
“See. Easy answer. Just like mine. And, Lennox, I know the difference between gratitude and attraction, trust me.”
His eyes narrow, and it’s so seductive.
“Can we not make this into anything right away?” I ask. “I’m not in a place for a relationship, but I’ve read enough romance novels to know that if I use that as an excuse to stay away from you, I’ll only stress myself out more. So accepting it is the smartest move to make.”
Tripp chuckles. “How have you thought so much about this?”
“It’s all just coming to me.”
He nods slowly. “So, to sum it up, you want to take this day by day.”
“Yes, basically.”
“Okay, so what are we doing today? Do you want to go grab lunch at Plum’s?”
I shakes my head. “Actually, I can’t. I’m meeting Winston.”
“That’s fine. He won’t mind if I come.”
“We can’t go together,” I blurt out.
“Why not? We’ve done it before.”
“Yeah, but that was before”—I point between us—“this.”
“Yeah, Winston might not be thrilled about it, so I’ll tell him later.”
“What? No.”
Confusion takes over his face.
“I think it’s best we don’t say anything to anyone about this.”
“Why not?”
“I just …” Because you might change your mind. I might change my mind. What if we’re wrong? We live together. We share friends. Sometimes I think Winston wants to be more than friends. Holy crap. It makes sense. Although, I’d never admit it, because what if I am wrong and he doesn’t like me as more than a friend and then I ruin our friendship? What if he does like me and I tell him I like Tripp and that ruins our friendship?
Yes. Okay. Not telling anyone right now is a good choice to make.
But Tripp is waiting for an answer.
“I just think that this affects more than us, you know. Until we know exactly what this is or is going to be, let’s just keep it between us.”
He begins to laugh, and my heart leaps up my throat.
“What?” I’m not actually sure I want to hear his answer.
“You’re the first girl who’s ever wanted to keep me a secret. I’m both disturbed and extremely turned on by the thought.” He pulls me to his chest and backs me up against the wall.
He starts the kiss slow, his hands lingering gently at my side, only tightening their grip when I meet my tongue to his.
“If I’d have known kissing you was this great, I’d have done it a long time ago,” he says. He leans in again, but I push on his chest till he steps back. “What?” he asks.
“If we keep kissing like this, there will be nothing left to look forward to.”
“I think there will be plenty of things to look forward to, Lennox,” Tripp says, winking at me.
He might think that, but not me. Not when he looks at me like he could eat me, and he keeps hanging out topless.
“I have to get ready.” I step around him. “I’ll see you when I get back?”
“I’ll be here,” he says. He steals one more quick kiss and goes back into his room.
I pause to stare at his door.
How freaked out do you think he’ll be when he finds out that kissing is the only thing I’ve ever done with a guy? Well, there was that one time at one of the parties I went to with Winston and this kid touched my boob, but I don’t think that counts.
I head back to my room, shower, and am out the door in record time. I debate stopping to give Tripp a kiss goodbye but decide not to. I’ve got to leave him wanting more. Sharing a little at a time is the best way to do that.
Winston is already at the restaurant when I get there. He looks up when I walk through the door, and the glint in his eyes slows my steps. Does he know about me and Tripp? Damn it Tripp, did you call Winston?
“What is it?” I ask.
“You should probably sit down for this.”
I do as he says, sliding my purse into my lap as I wait.
I’m not going to deny it if he asks.
“Well, I was at Barnes and Noble on Thursday, and when I was standing in line at checkout, this girl walked up behind me. She was holding a bunch of books on … pregnancy.”
“Who was it?” I lean forward, ready for the gossip. Obviously, we know her if he’s telling me about it. Thank God it isn’t about me and Tripp.
He cringes.
Holy shit. Is he talking about Kass?
“I don’t know the specifics, but her bloodshot eyes were a dead giveaway she’d been crying, and the moment she saw me she tried to hide the books so I think it’s safe to assume—”
“Just tell me, Winston,” I say and roll my eyes.
“Sydney.”
The oh shit! face I’d prepared to hear Kass’s name fades quickly, and the same heart that was earlier jumping up my throat plummets down to my stomach.
“Tripp’s Sydney?” Maybe I didn’t hear him right.
“Yeah. He’s going to freak,” Winston says. “I’ve wanted to tell him for two days now, but I keep hoping she’ll come clean before I have to.”
“How do you know it’s his?” I ask.
“Who else’s kid could it be?”
I don’t have an answer. All I know is, if Tripp is going to be a dad then he needs to be there for Sydney, and whatever happened between us last night can’t be a thing. Ever.
Tripp
My parents cutting me off has its pros and cons. Pro, and it’s a big one, is whatever is happening between me and Lennox. I’ve never looked this forward to something. Even if it’s just waiting for her to come home. The cons would include this part of the piece of paper I’m holding in my hand right now.
A notice for next semester’s tuition fees was not what I was expecting as my first piece of mail since moving in with Lennox, yet here it is.
There is no way I can pay this on my own. I’ll have to work more to even come close. Or … shit, maybe I’ll have to drop and re-enroll when my trust kicks in. It’s doable, but not exactly what I want to do.
“I’ve seen you study before, and that face you’re making doesn’t even come out then, so what’s got you thinking so hard?”
Lennox is leaning in my bedroom doorway. I didn’t hear her come home. I take in her oversized sweater and skinny jeans rolled up at the bottom.
Right now, kissing Lennox last night is about the only thing working out for me.
“Tripp, are you okay?” she asks when I don’t answer her.
“I got a tuition statement for next semester,” I say, holding up the letter.
She sighs and takes a seat next to me.
“This may or may not help. I don’t know where your head is with everything, but the admission office does offer payment plans. That’s how I’ve been paying mine.”
I nod. Guess that’s what I’ll be doing next semester. Shoot, the only reason I was able to turn my cell phone on was because they charge it to your next bill. My first paycheck wasn’t going to cover it. Hopefully, my second one does. If not, I have no idea how I’m going to pay that bill, let alone whatever else Lennox needs: rent, food, fucking laundry soap. That shit’s expensive.
My brain hurts.
&nbs
p; I scoot up and rest my hand over the one Lennox has on my bed and then lean in to kiss her. I’d been looking forward to this since the moment she left.
She shifts out of my reach before our lips touch.
“But, um …” she starts and stops. Biting her lower lip, she focuses on the wall behind me. “Look, I’ve been thinking about last night, and maybe we should just forget about it and keep up this just friends thing. It’s working out really well, and I don’t want to ruin it.”
“What?” I know it sounds harsher than I’d planned. “Did you say something to Winston and he changed your mind?”
She shakes her head. Winston must’ve said something. He’s the only one I know who’d be against this, friend or not.
“Then what happened?” I ask. “Two hours ago you were ready to see where this goes, and I still think we should. I’ve never—”
“It’s not a good idea, Tripp.”
“Lennox, I’m not—”
“Just no,” she says and gets up to leave. I scramble out of my bed behind her.
“I don’t even get an explanation?”
“Tripp, we never even started something. I don’t know why you’re so upset.”
I’m upset because for once … for once I thought I found someone who actually likes me for me.
“I …” I can’t even find the words. I should tell her just that, but it seems she’s made up her mind. I’m about to give up when I hear her sniffle.
“Lennox, turn around.”
She shakes her head.
“Lennox.”
Slowly, she turns. “I shouldn’t tell you, but I can’t imagine what happens if you never find out.”
“Tell me what?” I step for her and she steps back.
“Sydney’s pregnant.”
Everything stops, and not another word is spoken as Lennox disappears down the hall and into her room.
Pregnant.
Sydney.
I can’t.
Fuck.
***
I know the door slammed when I left, and I should have said more to Lennox, but I didn’t know what to say. I need more information, and there’s only person who can tell me everything I need to hear.
I lean against Sydney’s dorm building, waiting for someone to either leave or arrive so I can get in. I’d call her, but I lost all my numbers when I turned my phone on.
Fuck.
I can’t even raise myself. How the hell am I supposed to raise a kid? My parents would give Sydney money, I’m sure of it. They might want to teach me a lesson, but they’d never take away from a grandchild, right?
Fuck.
If this is even true.
The door swings open, and I grab the handle before it can close. The black-haired girl leaving notices my movement, but she doesn’t stop to question me. I skip the steps two at a time until I’m on the third floor. I knock on Sydney’s door. Well, more like pound.
“Jesus, what?” The door opens to reveal Sydney with a scowl on her face. There is an imprint across her left cheek like the kind you get when you sleep on something for a long period of time. “Oh, hey, Tripp, what are you doing here?”
She opens the door as she straightens her clothes.
“Were you asleep?” I ask. I’m not sure of the rules in a situation like this, but I feel as if blurting out are you pregnant? wouldn’t get me very far.
“Yeah, I can’t seem to get caught up on rest these days.”
Shit.
“So, how are things?” she asks. “I heard you moved in with Lennox.”
“I did,” I say, following her inside her room. Sydney takes a seat on the edge of her bed and I take a seat on the desk chair. Something is different about her, aside from possibly being pregnant.
“How have you been?” I ask.
Sydney rolls her eyes and drops back on her bed.
“You talked to Winston, didn’t you? I knew once I saw him that he’d go running off to tell you.”
“You told Winston?” I ask.
“Who told you?”
“So it’s true?”
“Yep. Exciting, huh?” she says, although she doesn’t sound excited and I’m guessing I’m not about to either.
She sighs loudly. “It was sarcasm, Tripp.”
“Sydney, think about this. How in the hell can I raise a child? I’ve been cut off.” I start to pace. “I have no money. I barely have enough to pay for classes, and now I probably can’t finish school at all, and I just … I thought we used protection and—”
“Hold up,” she says and sits up. “The baby isn’t yours, Tripp.”
I stop pacing. “It’s not?”
“No,” she deadpans. “Dang. Had I thought that was why you are here, I’d have started with that stress reliever.”
I huff out a laugh. “It has been a stressful three hours.”
Sydney laughs, too, but it’s not real. “Must be rough.”
I retake my seat and lean back.
Thank God. I thought I really fucked up there. Everything would have changed. A kid at twenty-two and with someone I don’t even love—I got lucky.
I brush my hands over my face and study Sydney.
“Are you really okay?” I ask.
She shrugs and crosses her legs as she sits on the bed. “I didn’t exactly think I was cut out for college anyway.”
“You could still finish though, right?” I ask. “I mean, the semester will be over in a few months.”
“Did you just see how much you freaked out? You’re not even the one who has to give birth, Tripp. I’m going to have my hands full for the next eighteen years. A few more months won’t get me anywhere, and I’m going to need all the extra income I can get.”
I nod. I don’t really know what to say. I can barely convince myself to make college work. I’m in no place to give her advice.
“So if I’m not the dad, who is?” I ask. I spent a lot of nights with her, so I’m not sure when she had time to be anywhere else. “He’ll help you out, right?”
“He doesn’t know yet, so I’m not going to tell you who it is. I don’t even know if I’m going to tell him.”
“Why not? That’s insane, Sydney.”
“Because, he’s … I just can’t, okay?”
“Sydney—”
“Drop it.”
I nod again and stand.
“All right, well, I don’t have much, but if I can do anything, I’m here for you.”
She stands, too, and hugs me. “Thanks, Tripp.”
As I jog down the steps and move outside, I can’t stop grinning. I can’t wait to tell Lennox.
I’m about halfway home when it occurs to me. The idea of never being able to start whatever this is with Lennox freaked me out more than when my parents told me I was cut off.
A lot can change in such a short period of time, and I’m about to make sure I don’t waste any more of it.
Chapter Eleven
Lennox
He’s not the father.
That’s the only thing I can focus on in class right now. Tripp is sitting next to me, doodling in his notebook. Professor Turner is going on about the next assignment, and each time he mentions meeting with your partner, Tripp and I glance at each other.
His grin, like always, makes me forget my train of thought. Which should be about my studies and not about him.
When he came back from Sydney’s on Saturday afternoon, I won’t lie and say I wasn’t thrilled to hear the baby wasn’t his, but something still holds me back. That morning showed me how easily your life can change, and I’m not sure I’m ready for a big change like that, even if it’s not a baby. Being in a relationship takes a lot of time and devotion. What if I can’t be in a relationship and keep my grades up? What if I suck at adding more to my plate? What happens if something else from his pre-Lennox days shows up and gets in the way? Will we go back to hating each other? Being mean? Not being friends? I don’t think it’s that easy.
And even though I think I�
��ll suck at being in a relationship, I also don’t not want to try it with Tripp.
I’m doomed.
Tripp taps my arms and points to my cell.
Tripp: Everything ok?
Me: Yep, it’s fine
I flip my phone face down on the desk. I can feel him looking at me before he reaches over to scoot my phone closer to me.
Tripp: “Fine” doesn’t always mean what it’s supposed to mean.
Me: It does for me.
Tripp: That’s not what your eyes tell me.
I put the ringer on silent and stuff the phone in my bag. What does he want me to say? There is no way I could tell him how nervous the idea of us being together makes me.
Turner dismisses us, and I dash out before Tripp has his stuff in his bag. I’ll have to face him sooner or later. Later is my plan.
“Hey,” he says, catching up with me.
“Hey,” I say and keep walking.
“Hold up, Lennox.” He stops me with a hand on my arm. “Something is definitely wrong.”
“I said I was fine,” I repeat. Why does he have to keep pushing it? I just need more time to think.
“I don’t believe you. Now, I don’t know why you don’t want to tell me or why you’ve been acting strange since this weekend, but I will tell you this. I’ve never wanted to know why a woman is upset. I’ve never cared, but with you, I care way more than is probably healthy, and that is the reason I won’t stop asking until I know for sure you’re okay.”
I sigh and try to focus on anything but his eyes.
“I just don’t know if we can make it work,” I say.
“Why not?”
“Because of stuff like Saturday, Tripp. We are two completely different people, and I just don’t want to get excited about this only to have your past pop back up and take that from me.”
“I won’t let that happen,” he says, holding my hand in his and giving a small squeeze.
“You won’t know it’s happening until it’s happening. Just like this last weekend.”
“My past is my past for a reason, Lennox.”
He pulls me closer.
“So?”
“So I want you. I want to give this a try.”
His hand touches my chin as I look up.
