by Zari Reede
The next thing I know, the chief tackled me, throwing me under his metal desk.
The room lit up like a Molotov cocktail.
“Sure, Nichols! Absolutely harmless.” His words dripped with sarcasm, lacerating my ears, as I turned to see a woman whose beauty rivaled the mythical Aphrodite.
Flaming hot.
Jim would have giggled at the double entendre.
The chief drew his gun.
“Wait!”
He paused at my plea.
I peeped over the table. “Let me at least see if I can talk to her.”
“You!” The woman’s hair drifted and waved as she pointed at me. “What is this place my sister has sent me?”
I slowly stood with my arms held out displaying my weaponless hands. “I know nothing about your sister.”
Her hair wound around her waist and hung over her shoulders until it resembled a strange golden cloak. She kicked the trashcan out of her way and explored the room as she spoke. “So, not Phrysia’s doing. Have I fallen foul to the Blink as so many others have of late?” A lock of hair slid up her cheek and rubbed her chin. She whirled around to face us and clapped her hands. “Well then, you think to send back another corpse? I, Rapunzel Carvinalee, Princess of Rhineguard, can assure you that you will find great difficulty in doing so. I am quite capable of defending myself.”
Rapunzel started to glow. As she rubbed her hands together, a ball of fire blazed between her palms. The chief didn’t hesitate. He braced his arm on the desk top and fired. The halo of light encompassing Rapunzel stopped the bullet. With a flick of her fingers, it sped back toward us hitting the chief’s gun and flinging it from his grasp.
“That was a warning. Do not oppose me again. What is this place?”
“Don’t answer her, Agent.” The chief’s glare found me, then the woman.
Rapunzel met his stare. “You task me, sir.”
I maneuvered between them. “See, Chief? She can communicate and, while she did attack, she only did so when you provoked her.” I turned to Rapunzel. “You are on planet Earth.” I sounded like something out of a low-budget sci-fi flick. I looked down to check for a gold glitter mini skirt. I could use the teleporter and laser gun, I mused. “Some type of travel is occurring between our planets and living beings are trading places. Question is, who changed places with you?” I queried more to myself than the golden, fiery goddess before me. The doorways encompassed a small radius, so someone near must of Blinked. The chief and I were still very much still here. I felt his accusing stare as I started warily engaging the ORB.
“I’m Mindy and this is the chief of ISMAT. It’s our council on Earth that deals with the Blink exchanges. I’m trying to work with the chief right now on our foreign exchange policies.” I winked at her and gave her the universal nod, as if to say, play along with me here until we get out of this. I glanced at the chief and saw him making a subtle play for the revolver in his desk drawer. I knew this was going to end badly if I didn’t get Lady Phoenix out of ISMAT ASAP.
“Chief, can you give us a few? I mean, can you ease your way out into the hall and hold your thoughts for ten minutes? I’ve got this.” I was confident that I could negotiate, if I could just cool the ambiance a little. He battled his better judgment, but since Lady Phoenix dusted him, he was thinking about how to get out of there alive and I had just given him the ticket. He wouldn’t worry about a puny agent like me, so I wasn’t surprised when he started edging his way to the door. Phoenix stared him down until his hand grazed the doorknob.
“Who told you, you could leave?” Phoenix bellowed, her eyes glowing in a terrific, melting gaze.
I wasn’t sure how much more heat I could stand. The chief quickly squeezed through the door slamming it behind him. Blondie chortled. “Mindy, what other useful information do you have before I dispose of you?” Phoenix’s look of boredom and disdain had me a little worried. Winnalea told me of the princess she served and the evil blonde sibling who waged war over Rhineguard with her fire-blessed beauty.
I was aware of the treaty signed with the Cyclopean queen and I knew I had two pawns in my court, the princess’s prized brownie and the queen’s son. I wouldn’t dare expose them to the fire goddess, but having something to dangle in front of her might keep me alive. Another thought occurred to me.
“I have the Cyclops king,” I confessed.
Phoenix made a purring sound of pleasure, then sent blazing daggers my way. I hopped over chief’s desk, but the flames fell short. Blondie was toying with me.
“A useless beast with no power. Everyone knows he is just a stud for Queen Fodjes.” Blondie looked at me loathingly. I was a little bit of a mess, with my medium-brown, straight hair pulled into a tight ponytail. The suit I wore wasn’t ISMAT issue, but what I had worn to the supposed law firm. My low-heeled, smart, Mary Jane’s were a comfortable choice, but not the most flattering to my muscular legs in the standard-issue polyester slacks. Slacks, that I wouldn’t be wearing again, because of the slit in the back seam from vaulting over the desk.
“I have the prince, too,” I said meekly.
I knew it was wrong to involve any child in negotiations, but I needed this ORB to talk and work out some sort of deal, so Earth and Ortharos could somehow manage peaceful life between two worlds. And maybe I could find Jim and Sam, alive.
“That appeals to me. Take me to him immediately. I will destroy him.” Phoenix flared.
Unsure of my next move, I needed to buy time. “Sure, Lady Phoenix.”
“Phoenix is a myth, but I am flattered by your compliment. It was my saving hero as I learned to deal with my talents. You can’t imagine how tiresome it is for everyone to think you are an empty-headed beauty.” She stared at my rumpled, makeup-less form. “No, you have no idea what I am talking about.” She sighed and moved on. “Take me to the Cyclops prince. We are wasting time.”
I knew if I opened the door, there would be twenty agents, or more, lining the corridor to take her out. I couldn’t be a part of this senseless killing, and now was not the time to negotiate or plead my case. It would be suicide. A trap door leading to the outside world was hidden inside the chief’s office. If ISMAT was attacked, he could access a safe house from here. There was a tunnel system, and I just needed to find the secret passage.
Chapter 21
The Brownie
The prince ate his fill and was itching to make merry. Grandmum gathered a few playthings of Samantha’s, but they proved too frail for his brawn. Grandmum opened the telivishun and I was captivated, but the wee people dinnae draw the prince’s eye but thirty blinks.
“What is your name, son?” Grandmum asked. Master Cyclops scratched his head. She pondered a minute and then pointed to herself. “Grandma,” she enunciated.
“Granna,” the prince said, beaming with pride.
Grandmum smiled too and poked the prince in the chest. “You?”
“Grrlecc,” he said, pounding his chest and trying not to wince when he beat a might too hard.
“Garlic, will you be good if I take you someplace to play?”
Prince Grrlecc puzzled her question. Grandmum gestured toward the window.
“Outside? You’ll be good?” she asked.
“Out!” Prince Grrlecc leapt up and ran circles. He picked me up and swung me around ’til I was giddied to addleness.
“Garlic, put Winni down!” Grandmum admonished.
The prince perched me on the sofa and tried to look contrite as he patted my head so hard I staggered.
“Winni, I am depending on you to help me. This boy needs to run off some energy, so I’m taking him to the school where I teach. Classes are out, the academy is isolated, and a dear friend of mine may still be working. He’s considered eccentric, but now it appears that his unique predictions are holding true. He will be interested in meeting Garlic.”
I winced at the horrible pronunciation of the prince’s name but sketched a curtsey and nodded my head in assurance. We left the apartment
and started down the stairs, but the prince was so excited he rushed ahead. Grandmum scolded him for outpacing us, so instead of slowing, he swept both of us into his arms and raced until we were both white-faced. Quite scared I was. I dinnae do well with spinning down from heights.
The ride was just as exciting as the last. Grandmum’s driving of the steed was odd. We sat in its belly, and as before, it dinnae bother it at all as she poked it until it took off at a rollicking pace. Eventually, the steed slowed to a stop behind a dwelling. It was very large, but not as tall as the towers of the palace. Two wings stretched from the main building forming a courtyard in between. Odd contraptions occupied each side.
Grandmum had to help the prince with the door, but he needed no goading to hie when she pointed out what she called a playground. Grandmum wrung her hands with worry. “I hope he’ll enjoy this and play. I’m at the end of my rope, Winnalea.”
“You do well with the youngster, Grandmum.” I patted her hand. “Better than anyone other than a Cyclops.”
“Well, thanks, Winni.”
We walked toward the playground. Prince Grrlecc ran ahead and climbed to the top of one strange device then leapt to the other. “He isn’t exactly playing with them as they were designed, but he seems to be having fun.”
“Indeed, Grandmum.”
We took our time reaching the prince. Grrlecc was happy jumping and climbing. She sat on a slat that hung by chains, bending her legs and thrusting them forth. Prince Grrlecc and I watched in surprise as she swung to and fro.
“It’s a swing!” Grandmum called out and with another thrust of her legs, soared even higher.
The prince tentatively sat on a slat. He was a quick learner and, in no time, was sailing with Grandmum. The prince swung so high I worried he would go topsy-turvy. Instead, at the apex, he let go and soared through the air. We gasped with terror. Grrlecc splatted against the building. Though shaken, he clung onto a window ledge. He pulled himself upright and slung his body through the open window into the school. I dinnae know exactly what “crap” meant, but that is what Grandmum cried out. We ran closer to the building and heard a bellow followed by a crash, then silence. There was a great pause, then Grrlecc hurled himself out the window, landed on one of the strange play things, and ran to Grandmum hiding behind her. A gentleman leaned from the window and scrutinized us.
“Mary Katherine? Mary Katherine Benoit?”
Grandmum smiled up at the rumpled man. “Hi, Harry. It’s me. You just met Garlic. Harry, you were right to question ISMAT policies. Garlic is sentient.”
“Don’t you move, Mary Katherine, I’m coming down.” Harry disappeared.
“Grandmum, who is that?” I asked.
“I was engaged to that man. ISMAT labeled him a crackpot, and I am sorry to say, I believed it to be true. I don’t anymore though.”
I think Grandmum has the lovelings. How sweet.
Chapter 22
Jim
The wave of stale moat water coated us in putrid-smelling fish entrails and strange looking, overlarge bones. Well, hell, there went my last half-clean pair of boxers. I struggled to my feet and swiped the water from my eyes. “Holy cow, Frizzy! Couldn’t you have magicked a fire extinguisher?” Frizzy jumped to her feet and her hands circled fast around another ball of water. In ’Punzel’s place, stood a dude. I gently pushed her hands down. “Hold off, Frizz.”
The guy standing in front of us was buff. He must hit the gym every day. Adorned in black pants and tight shirt, his blue eyes and black hair was magazine perfect. Note to self, get a gym membership.
Mr. Buff rubbed his eyes. “Where am I?”
I decided answering wouldn’t help, so I went with something else. “I am Jim Nichols of Earth. Who are you?”
“Nichols? Mindy’s Jim?” He waited for my nod of confirmation. “Your wife has spoken of you often. I was her trainer, but now partner. Max Arbor’s the name.” Max scanned the room with a scowl. “Where are we? Who are these...beings?”
I thought Mindy’s trainer was a grizzly old guy. She talked about him so much. His divorce, his kids, his amazing abilities--never once did she mention he was a friggin’ body builder.
“I am Princess Phrysia Carvinalee of Rhineguard,” Frizzy interrupted then gestured to Folgers. “This is Queen Fodjes of the Cyclops. From where do you hail?”
“I was at ISMAT leaning against my office wall--then no wall and here I am.”
“Where is your office?” I broke in.
“Between the chief’s and Mindy’s.”
“Oh poop,” I said, laughing at my use of Sam’s favorite expression. “Chief is in for a surprise. Hope Mindy isn’t at work.” I looked at my watch, but it had stopped ticking and the second hand spun like a compass needle over a magnet.
“Eew, Daddy, it does smell like poop. I don’t want to get splashed anymore. Let’s go home. I miss Mommy.” Sammy tugged on my wet, borrowed, pirate shirt. At least it was of quick-dry quality.
Mindy’s partner waved a hand in front of his nose attempting to wave off the odious odor. “Yeah, who died in here?”
“Max? Is it?” He nodded. “You’re on Ortharos, buddy,” I said, waving my hand around at the stark, wet interior. “Believe it or not, you, Sammy and I are the ORBs now.” I gestured to Frizzy, in all her green splendor, and the one-eyed queen. “But hold off on any ISMAT action, because these guys are friendly. What landed in your place--” I paused, remembering Frizzy’s flame-throwing, evil twin. “--not so much.” I scrunched up my face and gave the universal head shake for not-good.
Max’s fingers twitched around his lower back where I knew his standard issue, concealed carry was strapped. That was where Mindy kept hers.
“Seriously, if you believe I’m Mindy’s husband and this is our daughter Sam, you can at least trust what I’m telling you is true. I’ve been here two days and so far, these ORBs are trying to keep us alive. These are the good guys.” Despite my reassurance, he remained tense. Maybe he couldn’t relax with all those muscles. “Mindy has talked well of me?” I asked, needing reassurance of my wife’s loving loyalty, with Huge Jackman meets young Lou Ferrigno in front of me.
“You are ambassador of high council on Earth? You are in charge of peaceable foreign relations?” Queen Fodjes interjected. Hopefully, she would have better luck since my lame negotiation skills were ineffective.
Max uncomfortably stared up at the massive one-eyed queen before him. “Umm, not exactly. I’m an agent of ISMAT. Standard procedure for agents is to seek and destroy all ORBs.”
He didn’t flinch as her head fell back and she released a guttural sound that pierced the ears of anyone within a three-mile radius.
“Idiots!” she bellowed. “Have they not spoken to our people and tried to make peace? What kind of cave-dwelling civilization is Earth?” Fodjes ripped a wet tapestry from the golden hooks above her and threw it to the flagstone floor.
“With all due respect, ma’am?” Max gave me a quizzical stare, and I discretely nodded. “ISMAT has only encountered beast-like ORBs, intent on destruction. None have been sentient, let alone English-speaking that I’ve ever heard, and I’m an instructor for new agents. I know all the details pertaining to ORB encounters.”
I was impressed with the fearless way Max stood in the center of the wet, horrid-smelling room talking to a Cyclops queen and a green lady without blinking an eye. If he encountered things like what I woke up to on this planet on a regular basis, he must have nads of steel. He held up his hands in the universal, whoa.
“Just so you don’t get out of joint with me again, the chief told me that Mindy, my partner, his wife--” He thumbed my way. “--went MIA and ended up on national TV. The chief is angry because she lied about an ORB termination. She apparently did not terminate the ORB in question. I heard a little chatter through the vent between our offices right before I got plucked.” He surveyed how his words were being received. “I’m telling you what I heard, but if it makes you feel any better, Mind
y is a great agent. She wouldn’t hurt an ORB like you ladies unless her life was threatened.” His eyebrows rose in warning as he pondered his next words. As if on cue, he continued directing the conversation toward me. “The replay, of the Tonight Show in Chief’s office was epic. If things at ISMAT don’t work out, Mindy would be a top-notch comedian.” He laughed. “There was this fuzzy, purple imp on Florence Henderson’s head and a dwarf lady in a cage.”
“Cage!” Frizzy roared with discontent. “Winnalea is being held prisoner?”
I dreaded the wrath. After her last moat wash, I couldn’t imagine what she would do to this guy. She needed to release some pent-up anger. Was Max dating anyone? I laughed out loud. Frizzy sent me a withering stare. Oops, I suppose it was inappropriate timing. Max continued.
“She was unhappy about being caged, but Mindy let her out, so it seemed to be a part of the act. The whole studio roared with laughter. I didn’t know the dwarf was an ORB, but the imp was definitely set for termination according to the chief. I mean, ORBs can be cute and fuzzy, but that’s right before they swallow a family of five and their Volkswagen Beetle. You just never know with monsters...” He trailed off as the two ORBs present stared him down.
“So Winnalea was released?” Frizzy demanded, dogmatically, collecting information.
“Yeah, I guess so.” Max nodded. “That’s what the video showed. Maybe Mindy is protecting her, and that’s what’s got Chief all up in arms.”
“Good, she is still alive. That’s what’s important. You could be useful to us, Agent. You shall remain until we get our people back.” Frizzy was back to dictating what was what, and I caught the weary look that crossed Max’s face.
“Wait a minute there, Green Goddess that you are--I’m nobody’s prisoner!” Max stepped back and pulled out his standard issue from beneath his tailored jacket. He wasn’t pointing it at anyone, but showing a stand of force.
