Beyond Angel Avenue

by Sarah Michelle Lynch

  Ruby is still wearing the frown.

  “You’re more than welcome to join us but I didn’t come here tonight to be interrogated or for you to make assumptions, Ruby. All you need to know is that things aren’t simple but we love each other dearly and if you can be happy for us, great, if not I don’t know what I can do except wish you well on your way because Warrick is everything to me and he comes first. He always will.”

  She doesn’t seem appeased and Vernon adds, “We’re just greedy and selfish. We’ve just missed you so much, Jules. We can’t tell you how much difference a teacher like you makes. It’s been so difficult without you. You know if Jack were here tonight, he’d be down on his knees begging, literally, he wouldn’t even care if there were gum on the floor… he’d be knelt in it, begging to have you back!”

  I snicker and Warrick shakes his head while Ruby finally takes her coat off and gives Vernon a kiss on the cheek.

  I rub my finger around a warp in the wooden table and explain, “I gave so much and took nothing for me. Is that fair? Hmm? Is it?”

  Vernon and Ruby stare at me strangely and all our curries are delivered at the same time. Ruby sees Vernon ordered her a madras and smiles. Everyone starts tucking in while I sit, stock-still, trying to defend myself for what reason – I don’t know.

  “I’ll get back and I’ll work and I’ll work, like a dog, and what? Who thanks me?”

  Vernon mutters over his naan bread, “Hundreds of kids? Us? Their parents? The world you send them out into?”

  I gulp. “I hate that I left but I don’t know if I can go back. But you guys just don’t understand what happened to me in my life and I don’t want to tell you and do you know why?”

  Ruby shakes her head, sucking on a poppadom. “Why?”

  “None of you could survive what I have. None of you round this table would survive what I did. I don’t tell people what happened to me because there’s enough shittiness in the world and you don’t need my rotten childhood on your heads. All I want you to know is that I went abroad for my mother. I went to honour her.”

  “So why aren’t you still out there, dancing?” Vernon demands.

  I finally pick up my fork and tuck into my meal. “It was her love, not mine. Warrick’s my love and now’s our time. Yes, we’re together. We might fuck this up. I don’t know, none of us do, but we’re finally feeling brave enough to give it a go.”

  Vernon raises his glass, but Ruby still doesn’t look convinced as he toasts, “To Jules and Warrick, especially Warrick, who’s going to have to watch his step because we got her back.”

  Warrick raises his glass. “To Jules, my fighter, my dancer, my wanderer, my baby. My forever. Nothing’s standing in our way now, sweetheart.”

  He puts his glass down and I wrap my arms around him, kissing him proudly, in front of everyone. Staring at one another as we kiss, we smile with our eyes and Ruby finally relents, “Aww, you guys. I didn’t wear waterproof!”

  “Now can you please help me with all this sodding wedding crap, I’m going out of my fucking head here!”

  Ruby chokes on her beer, trying to console herself. Pointing at Vernon, she says, “Him not me. He knows what’s what. I hate that stuff as well. It’s why we did Vegas otherwise my head would’ve exploded.”

  “Best man of honour?” I ask him.

  “Honoured friend to a great woman.” He holds a hand at his heart and asks, “So, where are we with the save the dates?”

  I look at Warrick, but he shrugs, so does Ruby. “What the fuck are those?”

  “When’s the date?” Vern asks.

  “Valentine’s,” I reply quickly.

  “Okay. Sod that then. What about flowers? A dress?”

  “I don’t know… I don’t know!!”

  He holds his hands up. “No more stress. Uncle Vernon has you covered. I have three sisters, I’ve done this already.”

  I eat some food and realise Warrick’s quiet and has already finished his, which is unusual. It’s normally me shovelling. I guess I’m a little on edge.

  “You okay?” he asks me.

  I nod. “Yeah. Are you?”

  “I’m more than okay.”

  “Good.”

  He smiles and Vernon starts telling me he’ll write down all the good ‘weddingy’ places he knows on the back of a napkin. Ruby tells him off and produces a Post-It stack from her bag. I taught her well.

  On the walk home from the pub, I mention, “You were quiet tonight?”

  He smiles, his eyes twinkling. “They’re your friends. I just wanted to let you catch up. I enjoyed watching you interact with them. It’s like you never left in some respects… you lived on through them and the kids you taught.”

  I absorb his words and ask, “Did she piss you off? I guess she’s a little overprotective.” I’m not going to tell him about the benders I went on four years ago, that time we broke up. Ruby was the one holding my hair back as I puked in toilets, on street corners and behind pubs.

  “She didn’t piss me off. It takes more than a gobby, red-haired southerner to piss me off.”

  “Well, she pissed me off… but only because she’s right.”

  He stops walking and turns to me. “What?”

  I take a deep breath. “Since I’ve been back, I’ve been asking myself why did I go, why did I come back, what was the point of it all?”

  “I thought you’d gone to find yourself? I thought you went because you needed to cool off after what happened with Anna?” He shrugs, hands in his pockets.

  I feel frustrated and walk on, hands in my pockets, mirroring him. He follows slightly behind me and on the wide, leafy boulevard leading to our house, I walk backwards to look at him as I say, “If you have a backpack abroad it’s a conversation starter wherever you go. And I mean wherever. It’s all, ‘So, where have you been… where are you going? Where are you from? What are your stories? What’s the best thing you’ve seen? Where can you recommend?’ Never does anyone ask you what makes you, you. It’s like I went… to escape. To be a stranger, a voyager… to vacate. Soon as I come back, that’s it… I’m me again, unable to evade who and what I am.”

  He nods fast. “Why do you think they were angry with you and missed you so much?”

  I shrug. “Haven’t got a fucking clue.”

  He purses his lips. “Then three years have done bugger all for you, Jules.”

  I turn and walk forwards again, desperate to avoid his eyes. “Thanks a bunch.”

  He catches up and puts his arm around me. “You’ve still got no idea of your capabilities, have you?”

  “I thought I was the one who talked in riddles–”

  “Baby, Vernon’s right… if you spent three years away, why aren’t you dancing still? You gave it three years’ commitment, why end it now?”

  I huff. “I want to start a family with you. It’s all I want.”

  “When you were abroad, why did you turn down all those offers to dance properly?”

  I rub my neck and shake my head. This man is always on at me. “I danced for her, not for me. Words are my heroin, not dancing. I thought you would’ve realised that about me already.”

  I turn my face the other way so he can’t see my profile. I’m beginning to feel upset and I’m not sure why.

  “Jules. There’s so much mystery to you, I reckon that’s why I can’t stop loving you. I just want to know everything. I’ll get there one day.”

  He twirls me into his arms, pulls me close and kisses me hard. I gasp and wobble on my feet, a tear escaping my eye. He wipes it away with his thumb and searches my face.

  I gulp and pull my hands through his curls. “I went abroad to try and fix myself so I can be the woman you need but instead, I come home… and she’s here. She’s still here.”

  “What?” His frown deepens.

  I swallow hard. “Mum haunts me. I see her… everywhere. I never told you before because I didn’t want you to think I’m crazy but it’s like… three years… and I’m
back… poof! Nothing has changed and inside, beyond the papered over cracks, I’m still irrevocably broken and yearning for her. Yearning so hard, it burns my soul just thinking about her. And yet, I followed in her footsteps. I stepped into dance companies and found a community but I didn’t belong in any of them. I just…” I throw my head back, frustrated. “To say I have all these words at my disposal, this is just something I cannot explain.”

  “Where do you see her?” he asks calmly.

  “At bus stops, in shops, on corners. Around, just… there. I chase her and then, she’s gone.”

  “Did you tell your shrink this when you had counselling that time?”

  I laugh. “What? No! They’d have thought I was barking mad.”

  He twists his lips as if to avoid agreeing.

  “What do you think? Am I insane?”

  He shakes his head. “No, but I think you have unresolved issues.”

  I sigh and rub my tired eyes. Jetlag seems to take weeks to get over. “I blocked out a load of stuff about her, Rick. However, there’s this gaping hole right here,” I point at my chest, “where I know something went horribly wrong for her and I’ve no idea what it was. I can’t let go until I know.”

  “You could spend a lifetime chasing ghosts and wasting your life.”

  I nod quickly. “I know. I know. That’s why I try to avoid talking about all this because deep down, I know living in the past gets people nowhere. However, there’s just some part of me that doesn’t want to believe she would ever leave me. I went on this retreat in Japan and took a vow of silence for ten days and during that time, all I could think about was her. She’s just so intrinsic to who I am and at the same time, I feel in the dark about a lot of things that connect us. Unless my mind is trying to play tricks on me, I remember her as loving and caring, beautiful and sad but willing to sacrifice herself for me. I remember this tobacco tin she kept under the floor and I remember she’d written Julie’s Dance Fund on it in permanent marker. I just… sometimes… it’s like I’m watching a fucking Disney film when I see my memories back. But they seem so real to me… so perfect. I can’t accept that the love we had wasn’t perfect. It’s either my mind playing tricks or my gut telling me there was more to her death than we know.”

  He holds my hand and walks me on. “That time we visited his farm for answers… I looked up your mum’s death after that to see if he was telling the truth. He was. Your mother died of an overdose. It was written on her death certificate.”

  I cover my eyes and gasp. A burning anguish roils in my chest, a physical pain that just never seems to go away. “I just… it still hurts so much, Rick. I don’t think I will ever get over what happened.”

  He grasps my hand tight. “I know how you feel. I know exactly how you feel.”

  I smile and hold his hand at my chest as we walk, arm in arm. “What me and you have still scares me. Maybe I overanalyse or maybe you and me are just so alike, and so meant to be, I mistrust it because it’s so pure and everything else in my life has been so messed up.”

  “I fear all those same things,” he admits in a strangled voice, “but we’ll face the future together.”

  “I just want to marry you and be happy. Say we can be, Rick?”

  He cuddles me tight against his side as we near our house, the dull light of streetlamps marking our way in the freezing night.

  “I’ll do everything I possibly can to make all your dreams come true.”

  I sigh and swoon, seeking confirmation I’m not dreaming by sucking on the cold night air as hard as I can. It’s real alright. “I love you so much, Rick.”

  We get inside our front door and I decide it’s a night for it…

  “Don’t take your coat off yet,” I ask him.

  “Why not?”

  “Come on,” I beckon.

  I show him to the back door and out into the back garden. It’s such a cold, clear night, you can see plenty of stars tonight.

  “I never told you about the dance I did at school, did I? It was years ago when we’d broken up and I was heartbroken and trying to figure out how to win you back… I thought the kids might like to see me dance and they all loved it. I was inspired… I’m still inspired. You inspire me everyday, Warrick.”

  He shakes his head. “You never said a thing.”

  I place my phone down and let Evanescence’s Bring Me To Life croon from it around the garden. I dance the same dance I danced all those years ago, except now I’m trained to reach on tiptoes without it hurting. Sweat, blood and tears have firmed up my feet. I dance for him, showing him the love me and my mother shared. I show him what I can do and how it makes me feel. I demonstrate my physical and mental strength to prove to him just how tested I was – to be pushed down into the ground for so many years – even knowing I had this gift.

  He whispers at the end, astonishment in his eyes, “You have something very special.”

  “I know. I wouldn’t have danced again if it weren’t for you.”

  We’re in the shower in no time, making frantic love against the tiled wall.

  Chapter Six

  Warrick

  Valentine’s Day

  Dad’s driving me to the venue. It’s quarter past five and the wedding is at six. We have plenty of time and the traffic isn’t even that bad for a Friday night. Besides I know Jules – she’ll definitely be late, taking ages to get ready like she normally does. It’s as we’re heading into the car park of The Deep, I turn to Dad and ask, “Do I look alright for her? I mean, will I do? Did I get the tie right? Does my hair look a mess? I might just start shaving it like Joe does.” God though, Jules would hate it if I shaved my head because she adores my hair (even though I hate it).

  He parks and turns the engine off, turning in his seat to look at me. “You’re worried about marrying a girl who loves your shit and then some?”

  I groan, covering my face with my hands.

  I shouldn’t admit it but I want to run from this car and I want to keep going. I don’t want to stop. It might be snowy and minus three outside. The night might be so clear it’s only going to get colder – but I feel like a dash back home might be easier than making promises to the woman I love.

  I’m scared to death of letting her down, of history repeating, of one or both of us fucking this up. Ever since she got back we’ve been honeymooning and we haven’t really talked about why she was gone so long. Not, you know, an in-depth discussion anyway. All we know is that when she got back, we were so happy to see each other, and now we’re besotted all over again. She’s been so caught up in planning our wedding, I haven’t wanted to bring up all my worries and fears. She seems so happy, how am I meant to shatter all that again with my stupid, unreasonable paranoia?

  “Son,” Dad says gently, his hand tapping my cheek lightly before taking his touch away, “why didn’t you marry her the first time you asked?”

  I take a deep breath, fiddling with my buttonhole. Looking straight ahead of me, out at the wide estuary and the twinkling night sky, I admit, “Was shit scared.”

  “Of her?”

  I turn to him, baffled, squinting. “What, no!”

  He holds up his hands. “You’re forgetting she’s a big part of this equation and it’s not all about you. You my boy, need to remember that. If what you told me about her becoming such a popular teacher despite all she went through growing up, don’t you think she’s got something about her?”

  I puff out my chest. “It’s not that!”

  He sniffs, trying to mask his laughter. “You may screw up again, you may not, but at least you’ll have her and she’s a strong, beautiful woman determined to marry you. Don’t you see that?”

  “I wanna be more for her. I still feel like I’m broken and can’t be fixed… I went through too much with Anna and all that… plus, leaving the Force broke my heart. Jules jokes she loves it that I still starch my shirts and wear the funkiest colognes but she must know I can never really leave all that behind.”

&nbs
p; He grips the steering wheel and shakes his curly head at me. “Bloody hell son, you’re a wazzock if ever I met one.”

  “What? I mean, please, make me feel worse than I already do for wanting to run away! Call it cold feet or whatever but I’m just so bloody scared, Dad!” My voice sounds broken, I seem so detached – when this should be the happiest day of my life.

  “She doesn’t love you in spite of all that, she loves you because of that. Julianne isn’t a woman who asks the wool be pulled over her eyes. She wants truth and she gets that with you, don’t you see?”

  I pinch my nose and try to wipe away the tears in the corners of my eyes before he sees. “No, I don’t see.”

  “Well I see. I see. The way she looks at you, not even your mother used to look at me like that. Sure, we were good together, we loved hard and true, but Jules… she sees a hero in you and you know what? Heroes don’t always do good things. She understands that but she’s prepared to love you anyway. You just need to stop running from her love and accept you’ve got it. Don’t lie to her again and stuff everything else. If there’s one thing I learnt over the years, the only thing that matters is how hard you love those that matter. Them ungrateful gits you try to help everyday, most of ’em aren’t willing to help ’emselves and you know it. Jules isn’t asking for you to perform miracles. She just wants you.”

  I panic when I see her white Rolls-Royce pull up a few spaces away from us. Looking at the clock, I spot it’s 5.45. Ruby is glaring out of the window at me. It mustn’t look good we’re still in the car park because she looks ready to unload both barrels in me.

  “Warrick,” my dad demands, his hands on my cheeks, “she’s even early to marry you. Shape up now. Come on.”

  “I can’t.” I shake my head.

  He leaves the car and rounds to my side. I almost muster the courage to move but when he asks, “Come on then, before we ruin her grand entrance!” I freeze.