The next day the grandmother died. Oh Christ, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, “God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day. You’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch.”
A man was concerned about his failing eyesight and went to an optician. The optician said the man should stop masturbating.
The man asked, “Will I go blind?’
The optician said, “No, but you are upsetting all the people in the waiting room.”
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re great. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men, men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Little Johnny and his mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked his mother, “Mommy, how old are you?”
The mother responded, “Women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”
Little Johnny then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
His mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this too, as you grow up.”
Little Johnny, still wanting to know about his mother, then fired off another question, “Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Johnny, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”
Then Little Johnny, frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend’s house to play. He consulted with his friend about his conversation with his mother.
His friend said, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s driving license. It’s just like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”
Later, Little Johnny and his mother were out and about again. Little Johnny began with, “Mommy, mommy, I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”
The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”
Little Johnny shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”
“Where did you learn that?” asked the mother again.
Little Johnny said, “I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”
The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys. I promised my wife that I would be home by midnight!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit,’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”
A country doctor went to a very remote area to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the mother in labor and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
“Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“Tell all of your sins, my daughter.”
“Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,” she says.
The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, “Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.”
“Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?”
“No,” the priest says, “but it’ll wipe that smile off your face!”
Q. Why do tits have nipples?
A. Because without them they would be pointless.
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died.
While consoling the wife, one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, “Well, we were in bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”
A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist, “I need some condoms with pesticide on them.”
The pharmacist says, “They don’t make them with pesticide on them. You mean spermicide.”
The man says, “No, I need them with pesticide.”
The pharmacist says, “Why do you need them with pesticide?”
The man says, “Well, my old lady’s got a bug up her ass and I’m going in after it.”
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they won’t hump female legs at cocktail parties.
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book! It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Italian men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
“Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you.”
In a small town the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
“Heavens no, we bought it,” said the old ladies.
“Then why don’t you drive it away?”
“We can’t drive.”
“Then why did you buy it?”
“We were told that if we bought a car here we’d get screwed, so we’re just waiting.”
The train was crowded and the U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed
middle-aged French woman’s poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?”
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. “Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.”
She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant.”
This time the Marine didn’t say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place.”
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, “Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”
A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate lovemaking.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “Quick my husband just got home—go hide in the bathroom!”
So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked?” he asks.
“Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you.”
“Okay,” the man replies, “I’ll go get ready.”
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
“Who the fuck are you?” the man asks.
“I am from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.”
The husband exclaims, “But you are naked!”
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
“Those little bastards!”
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job still sucks.
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man’s penis off.
Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his six-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windscreen, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, “Daddy, what the heck was that?”
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, “It... it was only a bug, honey.”
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, “Sure had a big dick, didn’t it?”
One day a scientist goes to a school where he is trying to do an experiment on children to see how good their taste buds are. He goes into a random classroom and explains to the class what he will be doing with them today. The class is excited and agrees to help him.
The scientist first blindfolds the children. Then he tells them that he will put a certain flavor of candy in front of them. He then tells them to eat it and tell him what flavor they think it is.
The first candy all the children get right: It is cherry. The second as well: It is orange. But the last one is the hardest. None of the children can get it, so the scientist gives them a clue. He says, “It’s what your mom might call your dad.”
A girl in surprise yells out, “I know, I know.”
Then the scientist says, “Well, what is it?”
Then she says, “The flavor is asshole!”
The children in horror spit it out. The real flavor was honey!!
Marge was in bed with her lover. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.
“Oh my God, your husband is home!” the man said. “What am I going to do?”
“Just stay in bed with me. He’s probably so drunk, he isn’t going to notice you here with me.”
The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge’s husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
“Honey!” he yelled. “What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!”
“Dear, you’re so drunk, you can’t count. If you don’t believe me, count them again.”
The husband got out of bed, and counted. “One, two, three, four... By God, you’re right, dear!”
There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are so sour) and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday.”
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop. With them are their eight children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the blind man’s stick and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy!!”
The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we’d be sitting in the bus.”
“Won’t you kiss me, Doctor?” asks a beautiful woman.
“No, it would be against my code of ethics,” says the doctor.
“Please, just one kiss,” begs the woman.
“It’s completely out of the question,” he goes on. “I shouldn’t even be having sex with you.”
A mother cleaning her son’s room finds an S&M magazine under the bed. Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
“Well?” his wife asks. “What do you think we should do?”
“I’m not sure,” the father replies. “But we certainly shouldn’t spank him.”
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his pants to his new bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your pants,” she said.
“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the one who wears the pants in this relationship.”
With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said, “I can’t get into your panties!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.”
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
“What the hell do you think you are doing?” she asks.
One of the Japanese men replies, “We are all very hungry.”
The waitress asks, “So how is jerking off in this restaurant going to help the situation?”
A second businessman replies, “Because menu says, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED.”
James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive wo
man. He gives the woman a quick glance and then casually takes a look at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies. “Q’s just given me a state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it out.”
Intrigued, the woman asks, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
Bond coolly explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk telepathically.”
The lady says, “So what’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties,” says Bond.
The woman giggles and replies, “Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
Bond shakes his head, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”
Pinocchio bumps into his old pal Gepetto, the carpenter who made him.
Gepetto asks how he is doing with his girlfriend.
“Not bad,” Pinocchio says, “but when we have sex she keeps complaining about the splinters.”
“Don’t worry,” says Gepetto, “I’ll give you a sheet of fine sandpaper. That should fix the problem.”
A few weeks later, they meet again. “How are things with your girlfriend now?” asks Gepetto.
“Who needs a girlfriend?” Pinocchio replies.
Homer Simpson on getting women hot:
“Well, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.”
Two guys are camping. They are having a little conversation, when all of a sudden one guy yells, “I just got bitten by a snake on the tip of my penis.”
The other guy says, “Don’t worry, I’ll go into town and ask a doctor what to do.” So the guy goes to the nearest town and after 30 minutes he finds a doctor. He asks the doctor, “Doctor, my friend just got bitten by a snake. What can I do?”
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 19
