“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
“Oh, sorry,” says the old man, “how much do I owe you?”
After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class.
“I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?”
The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”
A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, she seemed bored.
“What would you like to do next?” he asked.
“I want to be weighed,” she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
“112,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then asked what else she would like to do.
“I want to be weighed,” she said.
I really latched onto an odd one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked,
“What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”
“Wousy,” said the girl.
The ambitious coach of a girls’ track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win all the events they are entered for and they are favored to easily win the nationals.
Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler, visits her coach and says, “Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.”
“What?” the coach says in a panic. “How far down does it go?”
She replies, “Down to my testicles. That’s something else I want to talk to you about.”
An artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away.
“Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said, “but I’m not that kind!”
“Actually, I’ve never tried to kiss a model before,” he protested.
“Really?” she said, softening. “Well, how many models have there been?”
“Four so far,” he replied, thinking back. “A jug, two apples and a vase.”
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged.
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied his marital rights, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
“How’d you get down here so fast?” he asked. “We were just making love!”
“Oh my God,” his wife gasped. “That’s my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile.” Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. “Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something?”
The mother-in-law huffed, “I haven’t spoken to that bastard for 15 years and I wasn’t about to start now!”
A limousine was taking the beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, “Driver, I don’t have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?”
The driver said, “Sure.” He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn’t get the wheel cover off.
The model saw him struggling and asked, “Do you want a screwd river?”
He said “Sure! But first I have to change this tire.”
Q. Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
One day, Elephant and Camel get talking. During the conversation Elephant says, “Camel, if you don’t mind me asking, how does it feel to spend your life walking around with a huge set of tits on your back?”
Camel replies, “No, I don’t mind at all, but it is a silly question coming from someone with a huge dick on his face!”
A man and a woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they’re both doctors. After an hour the man says, “Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached.”
The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes into the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good ten minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex.
Afterward, the man says, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” says the woman, “how did you know?”
“I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started,” he says.
“That makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anesthetist, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, how did you know?” asks the man.
The woman replies, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”
“Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” a little girl asked.
“No, I don’t think so. Fifi is in heat,” replied the mother.
“What does that mean?” asked the child.
Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, “Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you.”
Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, “Bring Fifi over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s rear end with it. “Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog.
“Where is Fifi?” her father asked.
“She should be here in a minute,” advised the daughter. “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.”
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman says, “I’ll miss you.”
A young, attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, “Major, when was the last time you had sex?”
“1956,” was his reply.
“No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Major, you need to get out more!”
“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch. “It’s only 20:14 now.”
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you. I’m gay.”
His mother made no reply nor gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she’d heard him when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay. Doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”
&nbs
p; The guy said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.”
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said,
“Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!”
Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, the other sperm gathered around and asked him, “Why don’t you just swim around like us?”
Bob replied with a smirk, “Well, when the time comes, I’m going to be the first one there.”
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn’t. It was, according to Bob, survival of the fittest.
So the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along with Bob pulling way ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped, turned around and headed back.
“What’s up, Bob?” the others asked.
To which Bob replied, “False alarm. Back up, boys, it’s a BLOW JOB!”
The pretty student nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.
Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, “How did this happen?”
“Let me put it this way, Doc,” the girl began. “My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight.”
One day Little Susie got her first period ever. Having failed to understand what was going on, and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny, she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny’s face grew serious and he said, “You know, I’m not a doctor but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!”
A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, “I love a woman who does aerobics.”
The woman replies angrily, “I don’t DO aerobics!”
The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, “Then how did you get your leg up so high?”
A guy meets this girl in a bar and asks, “May I buy you a drink?”
Looking unimpressed at the man she replies, “Okay, but it won’t do you any good.”
A little later, he asks, “May I buy you another drink?”
“Okay, but it still won’t do you any good.”
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, “Okay, but it won’t do you any good.”
They get to his apartment and he says, “You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.”
She says, “Oh, that’s different. Send her in.”
A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s ass, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,” he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of short-term relationships. “Isn’t there some way to judge the size of a man’s equipment from the outside?” she asked earnestly.
“The only foolproof way is by the size of his feet,” counseled the therapist.
So the woman went into town and proceeded to cruise the streets until she came across a young man standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of wild sex.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but by the bedside table was $40 and a note that read, “With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.”
Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.
A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator. “And finally,” she said, “I do thank my new parents-in-law for their present—such a beautiful perky copulator.”
The undertaker calls Mrs. Banley and says “Excuse me, Mrs. Banley, but I can’t seem to close the lid to your husband’s coffin because he has a huge erection.”
To which she replies, “Why don’t you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That’s the only hole in town it hasn’t been in.”
I’ve never gone to bed with an ugly man, but I’ve woken up with a few.
A truck driver goes into a brothel and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, “I want your ugliest woman and a cheese sandwich.”
The Madam says, “For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and steak and fries.”
The driver says, “I’m not horny, I’m homesick!”
A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog is for.
The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and gives the man a blow job.
The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again.
So the guy snaps his fingers a second time, the frog jumps down, gives the man a blow job and then hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded and offers the guy $3000 for the frog.
The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender.
The bartender goes home after his shift. He sits in his kitchen, calls his wife over and says he has something to show her.
His wife walks in and the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table and snaps his fingers, and the frog jumps down, gives the bartender a blow job and hops back on the kitchen table.
The wife asks, “Why the hell are you showing me this?”
The bartender says, “Because you’re going to teach him how to cook and then you’re going to get the fuck out of here.”
Mr. Geraldo says to his doctor, “Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row.”
The psychiatrist says, “Now hold on, Mr. Geraldo. That doesn’t sound so terrible.”
Mr. Geraldo says, “Oh, yeah? I was the third girl from the end.”
Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!
Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, “Can you give me one last wish?”
She says, “Anything you want.”
He says, “After I die, will you marry Larry?”
She says, “But I thought you hated Larry.”
With his last breath, he says, “I do.”
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, ‘Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.’”
She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, “Scooby dooby
dooby, I want bigger boobies.”
A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”
“Why yes, I do. How did you know?”
The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, “Hickory dickory dock...”
Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.
Bob says to Charlie, “You know, I think I’m about ready for a vacation, only this year I’m going to do it a little differently. The last few years I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to the Canaries. I went to the Canaries and Mary got pregnant. Then last year you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas and Mary got pregnant again.”
Charlie says, “So what are you going to do differently this year?”
Bob says, “This year I’m taking Mary with me.”
A guy’s eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says, “Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me.”
The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman and says, “Ma’am, this is from the gentleman over there.”
She says to the waiter, “Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he had better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants.”
The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, “Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven’t even met her, so why the fuck would I cut off four inches?”
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 32
