The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man’s table and says,
“Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!”
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, “Go ahead!”
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your laundry pile gets bigger.
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, “I can’t do this! I have acute angina.”
The old guy said, “God, I hope so, you’ve got the ugliest tits I’ve ever seen.”
A big sister says to her little brother, “Johnny, do you know why mom and dad have been in their bedroom for the last three days?”
Laughing, Johnny replies, “Yeah!!! Dad asked for Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead!”
Q. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
A. They kept trying each other.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to use it.
A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces that his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing twenty pounds. Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of “wow!” are heard.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texan baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren’t you? How much does the baby weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Fifteen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled. “Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.”
The Texan father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, “Had him circumcised.”
One day a single mother was in the supermarket with her four children who were playing around. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves, crying and screaming all over the place. The mother cornered them and said, “I should have swallowed all of you!”
The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals—a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist—were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed—with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned, and a few days later, each of the groom’s buddies received the following note:
Dear friends,
We didn’t mind the bed slats being sawed and the electric shock was only a minor setback, but Jesus, I’m going to kill the guy who put anesthetic in the Vaseline!
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”
“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.”
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”
“Once,” he replied.
“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”
“Don’t stop.”
Q. What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?
A. The way they say ahhhh-men.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the bathroom. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tel la her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the bathroom. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit on bed you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go to checkout and the man at the desk say, “Peace unto you.” I say, “Piss unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy.”
In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he “comes of age” and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, “I’d like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don’t mind, I’d like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up them things!”
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. “Here’s ye kilt, and here’s ye matching underwear, and here’s five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it.”
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend’s house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, “Well, what’d ye think?”
“Ah, but that’s a fine looking kilt,” she exclaimed.
“Aye, and if ye like it, you’ll really like what’s underneath,” he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her.
“Oh, that’s just dandy,” his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn’t have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, “Aye, and if ye like it, I’ve got five more yards of it at home!”
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said, “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems. So without me nothing would happen.”
“I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body. Without me you’d all waste away.”
“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”
“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed tha
t the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge—just an asshole.
A captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy-looking camel tied out in back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”
The sergeant replied, “Well, sir, we’re a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do we have the camel.”
The captain said, “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me.”
After he had been at the fort for about six months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!”
The sergeant shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain’s quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down, satisfied, from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”
The sergeant replied, “Well, sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”
There is a boy and a girl in a religious education class. The girl falls asleep.
The teacher asks a question. “Who created Earth?”
The boy pokes her with a pen and she yells, “God.” She falls back to sleep.
The teacher asks another question. “Who were the Holy family?”
The boy pokes her with a pen and she says, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.” She falls back to sleep.
The teacher asks another question. “What did Mary say to Joseph after their 23rd baby?”
The boy pokes her with a pen and she says, “If you stick that thing in me one more time I swear I will snap it in half!!!”
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”
The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”
“No,” says the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”
A 40-year-old woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m going to need all the room I can get.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
The teen says, “Grandpa, they didn’t have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?”
Grandpa replies, “Nope.”
The teen says, “Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?”
Grandpa replies, “A wedding ring.”
Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.
When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Celeste got a little scared. “It’ll be my first baby,” she confessed with a blush, “and actually, I don’t know the first thing about how babies are delivered.”
“Don’t worry about a thing,” reassured the doctor. “It’s really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place.”
Startled, Celeste exclaimed, “You mean twice around the park with my legs hanging out of the cab?”
A modern Islamic couple preparing for a religious wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man says, “We realize it’s tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we’d like your permission to dance together.”
“Absolutely not,” says the Mullah. “It’s immoral. Men and women always dance separately.”
“So, after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”
“No,” answers the Mullah. “It’s forbidden in Islam.”
“Well, OK,” says the man. “What about sex? Can we finally have sex?”
“Of course!” replies the Mullah. “Alla ho Akber! Sex is OK within a marriage to have children!”
“What about different positions?” asks the man.
“Alla ho Akber! No problem,” says the Mullah.
“Woman on top?” the man asks.
“Sure,” says the Mullah. “Alla ho Akber. Go for it!”
“Doggy style?”
“Sure! Alla ho Akber!”
“On the kitchen table?”
“Yes, yes! Alla ho Akber!”
“Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”
“You may, indeed. Alla ho Akber!”
“Can we do it standing up?”
“No,” says the Mullah.
“Why not?” asks the man.
“Because that could lead to dancing.”
The wives of four presidents and prime ministers are talking together about how to say “penis” in their languages.
The wife of Tony Blair says that in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says that in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says that in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
The wife of Clinton says that in the United States you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.
Every Sunday, the town preacher rode his bike to church. This particular day, a member of the church noticed that the preacher was walking.
He asked, “Where’s your bike?”
The preacher said, “Someone stole it. It may have been one of the members.”
“Well,” the member proceeded to tell him, “for next Sunday’s sermon, preach on the Ten Commandments. When you get to Thou Shalt Not Steal, really stress it and you’ll get your bike back.”
The next week the same member of the church had seen the preacher riding his bike.
“I see you have your bike back? Did you do what I told you about preaching about the Ten Commandments?”
“Yes,” replied the preacher.
“Did you stress Thou Shalt Not Steal?” he asked.
“No,” the preacher answered.
“What happened?” asked the member.
“Well,” said the preacher, “when I got to Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left it.”
A vet is making love to his wife when the phone rings. Being on duty he answers it and the client says, “I’ve got a dog and a bitch humping on my doorstep How can I stop them?”
The vet says, “Put a cell phone next to them and call it.”
The client says, “And will that work?”
The vet says, “It just stopped me!”
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her.
“Pardon me,” he asks, turning on his best charm, “but is this stool taken?”
A ninety-year-old lady is on her way to the gynecologist due to an itchy rash in her vagina. When she g
ets there, the doctor checks her out and asks, “When was the last time you had sex?”
The old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin. He checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady, “I don’t really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt: Your cherry has rotted.”
Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think men care.
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him.”
“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “the hens are around the back.”
A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn, speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says, “My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder.”
Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing. The next guy stands up and says, “My name is Mike and I’m in for armed robbery.”
Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says, “My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for.”
The group leader says, “Now, come on, Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did.”
“OK, then. I’m in for fucking dogs.”
Everyone is disgusted! They all shout, “What??!! How LOW can you get!”
“Well, I did manage to fuck a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little,” Luke replies.
One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach the step.
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Page 34
