“I’ll be fine.”
“You’re so damn stubborn,” I huff. Ollie looks into my eyes, and he slides his hand up my thigh and doesn’t say a word. I think maybe we both feel a little bit relieved that everyone knows now, and if every single person doesn’t know in the MC – they will soon. We’d been doing this for so damn long, it feels good to not have to hide. He woulda never touched my leg like this before, giving me a good squeeze.
“You wearing anything under there?” His eyes go from mine to my cleavage. Anyone with two eyes can tell I’m not wearin’ a damn bra. I shake my head, and the big oaf growls. He pulls his shirt off over his head, and before I know, it I have his shirt on me.
Ollie presses his lips against mine, leaving them there for a second, quietly saying, “Stop your crying, I’m fine.” He wraps his arms around my body and pulls me close to him, rubbing my back in a soothing way.
“Jesus Christ, get the fuck off my woman!” Kyle roars. I can hear his steps closer towards us. I don’t do anything; I just stay limp against my boyfriend. I can’t help but think, I wish that Kyle woulda fought for me back then as much as he’s fighting now, but the past is the past, and we can’t change it now.
It infuriates me to tell ya the truth. How dare he come back and claim me like nothing’s happened, like I wasn’t tortured and raped, like I don’t have nightmares that haunt my dreams, like I haven’t experienced the worst type of loss in the entire world.
He doesn’t even know the half of it.
“Show me your fuckin’ thigh,” Kyle snaps at me. Ollie starts to speak, but I cover his mouth with my hand, slowly sliding off of him to face Kyle. I know what he wants to see, and he won’t be pleased. I waited a year before I had it covered up. I gave him a year to come back to me, and he didn’t. So, it was simple, I moved on.
I lift Ollie’s shirt and the silk kimono, exposing my upper thigh. He’s looking for the ‘Property Of’ brand that I had tattooed on my thigh. It was beautiful once upon a time. It was a detailed tattoo of the Skulls Renegade MC emblem, at the top read “Property Of” and at the bottom it read “Kyle”. It was much more than a tattoo, it was symbolic, kind of like an engagement ring. Every single person knew I was his, they could see the tat sticking out from the bottom of the shorts.
I had it covered up with a gun, roses surrounding it with pearls. Now that, was symbolic. The roses represent new beginnings, the pearls represent many things, yet I resonate more with loyalty. The gun? I suppose that doesn’t represent shit. It’s for me, to remind myself that I am strong enough to withstand anything – that I can fight, that I have survived the unimaginable, and that I’m tough cookie.
I’m a member of Skulls Renegade MC. I’m not some little pussy.
“Doesn’t matter, you’ll just get it put somewhere else,” Kyle threatens, his eyes locked with mine. I can see the rage and the hurt lying behind them. Here’s the thing - I don’t care.
He doesn’t get to be hurt, or even pissed at me for what he did. He made his decision, and after a year of him being gone, I made mine.
Before I can even speak, Ollie is roaring at him. “The fuck she is. If she’s gettin’ anyone’s brand is sure as fuck is not gonna be yours. She’s my girl. She’s gettin’ my fuckin’ tat.”
“It’s about damn time,” Jenna laughs. I don’t know when she popped in here. She’s always been good at that, standing in the shadows, observing. “How did none of you see that?” She points to Ollie and me. “It was so fuckin’ obvious, it wasn’t even funny. He ogles over her, and she’s always within ten feet of the man. Damn, you’re a bunch of idiots.” She chuckles, giving me a wink. I shake my head at her, causing me to smile a little bit. Everyone here thinks I’m a riot – Jenna’s the real deal.
The door to the clubhouse opens, in it pours a bunch of members. Butch, Pain, and Chaos are leading the pack, there are even a few Nomads still hangin’ around. Ollie turns to them, “Since you all have missed the fuckin’ show, let me just fill you in. Daisy is my girl, she’s my woman, she’s my fuckin’ Ol’Lady, and none of ya better be coming near her. I’m puttin’ my foot down and layin’ claim.” Ollie goes on and on as he’s telling the guys what’s happened since they left.
I’m in a trance. He just called me his ‘Ol’Lady’ – he’s never done that, ever. Being called his girl, his woman? That’s not so serious, or at least to me it isn’t. But one of these men lay claim, announce to the club and call you their Ol’Lady?
That’s a
Big.
Fuckin’.
Deal.
“I can’t fuckin’ believe you did this to me.” I can’t tell if Kyle is talking to me or Ollie. Either way, I don’t like it.
“This is a twisted, fucked up joke, right?” I grumble. I don’t even realize that I’m cursing at Kyle until Ollie tells me to ‘shut the fuck up’. He’s never talked to me that way, or in that tone. But I listen.
Ollie gets up, takes a couple steps towards me, and walks until he’s a foot away from Kyle if that. “Daisy was the epitome of a loyal woman. She grieved the loss of your relationship for a year before she moved on. She waited, and waited, until she was tired of waiting – tired of being disappointed by you.”
“You were never a true brother, you jumped into Daisy’s bed the first damn minute you could!” Kyle growls, looking at Ollie.
Ollie ignores his previous statement “I was the best brother you could’ve ever asked for. Where were you when she needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold her hand? Where were you when she woke up from nightmares screaming, waking the whole club up? Where were you when she was barely holding it together? Oh. That’s right, you fuckin’ left her. I was there. I was the one holdin’ her hand, making sure she was okay. I was the one who stayed in that damn room with her for months, keeping her company. I was the one who rushed to her every time she broke down. I was the one helpin’ hold her together. It wasn’t you, so don’t tell me about how I wasn’t loyal when you just left. I took care of your girl when it should’ve been you. It wasn’t supposed to be me. It was supposed to be you. But you left. I helped her pick up the pieces, and your girl became mine.”
“You were doing more than holding her damn hand!”
“Stop being disrespectful to her!” Ollie roars, and almost everyone in the room jumps from the lethality in his voice. “You don’t even know what kinds of things she had to go through. You think it was easy for her? The things she went through, the type of loss she felt? I never fuckin’ asked to be the one there for her, that decision was made for me when you left! She needed someone.”
I grab onto Ollie’s arm, making him look down at me. I love him. I love him so damn much that it terrifies me. I don’t know what I’d do without the giant Ox. If anything, ever happened, I’d be ruined. My heart would be destroyed. That’s how strong my love is for him. The kind of strength that terrifies the living hell out of you.
“It didn’t have to be you,” Kyle says, staring at Ollie. Kyle and Ollie were very close once upon a time. They were practically best friends. “Where was your loyalty? You took my girl!”
“I didn’t take her; she wasn’t yours. She was broken, Kyle. The girl you knew before she was taken, that girl is gone. She’s dead. You need to drop the fuckin’ attitude cause I’m sick of it. You weren’t here, I was. You didn’t help her get through everything she went through, that was me. I was the one supporting her when she was at her worst. I was the one holding her hand when she lost your daughter. That was me, so don’t bring up loyalty to me. I was loyal, to her.” Ollie snaps.
I don’t hear what is happening. I feel like it is on replay in my head a good couple times before it really sinks in what is happening, and just like that, I am back at that day.
***
“Ollie….” It happened suddenly, I felt sharp pain shooting down my side. It felt like someone had hit me with a truck. I looked around the room for Ollie, and he wasn’t there. Dammit, where was he?
Then, I r
emembered, he went on a run with the boys.
My greatest fear consumed me, losing her. I couldn’t remember how many scenarios enveloped my mind, because it all went black, I lost consciousness.
When I woke up, I was in the hospital with Ollie staring at me. He told me that he came into my room and found me there late that night, how it was a miracle that I didn’t die. I remember the look on his face, how it was stale, but somehow full of…thanks? I didn’t realize it then but, now I think he was in love with me that long ago. He was thankful I didn’t die; I can see that now.
“Harley,” I said her name, noticing the way his expression froze over when I spoke it out loud.
“Dais….”
“Tell me,” I instructed him, knowing in my heart what happened.
“I’m sorry, Babygirl, I’m so fuckin’ sorry.” He took my hand in his, bringing the back of my hand to his lips and pressing a soft kiss before the tears started to fall. I’d never, ever seen him cry except for that day.
He didn’t tell me everything then. Slow, soft tears slid from his eyes. His heart was breaking as badly as mine was. He told me that he found me on the floor in my bedroom when he got back from the run. How I had to have two blood transfusions, how no one could’ve expected this. How the doctor told him it didn’t happen this often – how I couldn’t have known, couldn’t have done anything differently.
I thought I was robotic after I was rescued by the boys. I was a robot after I lost my daughter. I was her mother. I was supposed to protect her, and even then, I couldn’t do it.
I had five months of keeping her safe inside of me. Losing my daughter is worse than anything I’ve ever experienced, even worse than being in that hell hole.
***
I don’t know what comes over me. It’s like I am having an out of body experience as my hand flies against Ollie’s cheek. I hardly feel the sting radiating through my hand as I look at him with such disappointment. He promised to never tell anyone about that day, about her. I’d lost so much in such a short amount of time, but losing my daughter was the worst thing that ever happened to me in my entire life.
In a sense, I wanted to forget that it happened. But how could you forget the loss of something that was created from such love? That’s right, Harley was Kyle’s. When the doc told me the potential date of conception, I cried. I cried because I thought that she was conceived through one of the many times that I was raped in that hellhole. I was relieved, relieved because she was Kyle’s, relieved because she somehow survived – but how in the hell did my baby survive all that torture?
Damn, sometimes I don’t know how I survived the things that they did to me.
It shouldn’t have been shocking. It really shouldn’t have. I knew that my body was put under so much stress, the thing I should have expected was to lose her. But instead, I was happy, I was so damned happy. I didn’t have Kyle, so I felt lost in a way, but I had my lil’ girl, so I knew I was going to be okay.
I concealed my pregnancy from everyone except Ollie. He was the one person that I trusted, but now, was it wrong of me to trust him with that? Whenever I walked around the clubhouse after I came back, I had on baggy hoodies three sizes too big for me. When I think back at it now, I looked like a damn bum. I could’ve passed for a homeless person if I was honest.
Remembering her, tears me apart in ways that I would’ve never imagined. I know one thing, and that is that I will never put myself in that type of position ever again. I will never make myself vulnerable enough to get pregnant. I’m taking her loss as a sign, that I wasn’t supposed to be a mother.
I glance at Ollie one last time before I start walking back down the hallway to my room. He knows he fucked up, and he fucked up really fucking bad.
CHAPTER 10
Daisy
I slam the door so hard that I swear I can feel the walls shake. I can’t believe him. Ya think that Kyle would’ve outdone it on the shock factor, but nope, that was all Ollie tonight. He promised me that he’d never tell anyone about that, and he just practically yelled it to forty plus people in the damn club.
“Dais?” I hear a knock at my door. I recognize the voice as Jenna’s and walk on over, opening it so I can look at her. I see Elena, Michelle, and Maria all tucked in behind her, solemn looks all over their faces.
“Well, c’mon in, didn’t know we had a therapy session scheduled,” I try to joke. Elena gives me a half smirk, and the others follow her in, shutting the door securely behind them.
“He’s a dumb culo,” Maria fires out. I don’t know what the hell she just said. It must be something in Spanish. She spits it out so much, and none of us speak Spanish at all, or at least I don’t think any of us do.
She’s come a long way since she’s been here. Don’t get me wrong, she still has a shit ton of attitude, but I think that’s just her fiery Latina spirit, it’ll never go away. Now, she’s one of the girls. We’d never let her get around the club sluts, club whores, sugar butts, whatever the hell you wanna call ‘em. They have many names, but the term is simple: whores. The type of girls that would steal your man with absolutely no care in the damn world. We weren’t gonna let our little broken bird get mixed in with those bitches.
Fuck, I can’t believe I just called Maria a broken bird…. the worst damn comparison ever. She’s more like a psychotic rattlesnake.
“Dumb culo, ugh!” She turns to me, her dark, raven locks flowing as she makes her movement “Are you okay, Margarita? We are familia, it is important to me that you are okay.” Mar has been calling me Margarita for ages, apparently it translates to flower in Spanish. I don’t know if I believe her. All I seem to think about is that amazing damn drink.
“I’m fine,” I tell her, lying straight through my teeth.
The first thing I planned on doing after coming back into my bedroom was to cry my damn eyes out, and I can’t even do that because the emotional stability committee is standing here, staring at me. They want me to say I’m A-OK, well newsflash ladies, I’m not. I’m the farthest possible thing from being okay right now because my boyfriend just went back on his word, and I feel betrayed.
"Look, Dais," Jenna says, her and Elena both coming to it on the bed with me like some high school pow-wow. "You don’t have to talk about all that shit if you don’t want to. We can find something else to focus on, I am sure. But we are here to talk about it if you do want to."
I look around at my girls, and I realize something, something I didn't know during those dark days. Yes, Sea had picked me up off the damn floor, literally and figuratively, but these MC girls, especially the ones we had now, could build me back up. I am not alone anymore, not if I don’t want to be.
I don’t know if blabbing my whole sob story is going to do anything for me at all, but if they are eager to hear it, I am eager to try. "I don't know if I want to, but now that it's all put in the open, maybe I need to," I tell them all, looking down at the bed sheet that is all wrinkled because Sea is such a slob. I let him still be one sometimes, like with not making this stupid bed.
"We're here, we're listening," Elena says softly, making me look up at her. Sure, Michelle and Jenna are awesome, but Elena is connected to me at the core. If anyone can take my secrets, it is her.
I nod, trying to think of where to start. "It was the worst thing, the worst feeling, after I endured the worst a group of men could do to an honest woman, having someone that wasn't Kyle carry me out of there. Sea carried me out and tried to hide what I could already tell even in that horrible state I was in; that Kyle was fuckin' gone. Some days, I wanted to be gone too. As the days dragged on, my worst fears about that time I spent away came to fruition. I was bent over, worshipping the porcelain God, praying that I wasn’t carrying the devil's spawn inside of me. I had Sea take me to the doc to get checked out, and when I heard the due date, I was stunned and relieved. Kyle was gone, but I still had a part of him with me. I had his daughter growing inside me; Harley. That’s what I decided to call her. I think we had me
ntioned it a few times, when we were shitting around about the future, naming her after the damn motorcycle." I shake my head and scoff, not sure if laughter or tears are more appropriate.
Elena's hand touches my shoulder, and I wipe at my eyes. I don’t think these girls will think any less of me in this situation for bawling like a fuckin' baby, but it just isn’t what I want to do anymore. "I am so sorry," Elena whispers, almost inaudibly. If she wasn’t sitting right next to me, I would not know what the hell she said.
I realize, this is as far as I can go. Sea has told everyone else enough. They know it was a girl. They know I lost her. They don’t need to know how it happened. I don’t need pity. I don’t find any comfort in relaying the damn events that led up to the worst fuckin tragedy of my life, but it does help knowing that my friends are here right when I need them. That’s worth more than any damn piece of gold in the fuckin’ world. I don’t care who you are.
There is a silence, a sad one, that overtakes the room for a moment. The girls get the idea quick, though, that I am done talking, at least about this. I just need their presence. That’s all.
Jenna turns to Michelle, who has been admiring her nails and possibly hiding a tear or two. "How do you feel now that Max is gone?" Jenna asks, moving onto another piece of drama yet to be touched on. Max was the VP of Skulls Renegade MC until Kyle replaced him a few days ago. He just up and left, going Nomad on us. Michelle and he had a thing, and it can’t be easy, knowing he had announced he was leaving to taste all the pussies he could, basically. Michelle seems to be holding up well, though.
Michelle shrugs. "I am used to people leaving me." The statement is simple, but all of us look at each other. I feel eerie at that. Michelle is another one I don’t think I know it all about. Who else had left her in her life?
I can see that the conversation and gossip are running out, so I know where to take it to. I know how to keep the conversation off me and be in a room that feels more energized to help me through this pain I am feeling; the pain of reliving that loss along with the pain of Ollie’s fuckin' mouth, letting everyone know that pain.
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