I cringe at the mention of my birth name. He knows not to pull this shit with me and, yet he is. “C’mon over and have a drink. We’ve got a few things to discuss.” I walk down the few barstools until I’m next to Darius. I know one thing for sure, and it’s that I won’t be eating or drinking anything out of this place. I’d rather eat a french fry off of a bathroom floor in a truck stop that hasn’t been cleaned in a year. It would definitely be a safer bet than anything these fuckers make for you.
“You know not to call me that, and you’re almost two fuckin’ hours late,” I snap as I slide onto the barstool that’s open beside him.
“I wasn’t late, not my fault you didn’t pay attention. I’ve been over here since you came in; my ass has been sittin’ pretty up here. Not my fault your eyes don’t work as well as that pretty brain of yours.”
“Let me get this straight. You knew I was here, saw me sitting over there in that booth, and decided to not say a damn word?”
“Sounds about right.”
“You’re an ass.”
“Sounds about right,” he repeats, a smirk slipping past his lips. I chuckle to myself quietly before I say anything to him.
“You know, I really hate you.” I shake my head, trying to hide my smile.
“If you hated me, you wouldn’t have trusted me with any of the shit you have. You don’t trust many people, T, never have.” I’d known Darius for years. I met him when I was young and doing some not so legal things to make money. He found me in downtown Nashville, he was quite a bit older than me. I was trying to pick up a few johns that night. Out of nowhere, he came out of an alley and yanked me by the back of my head, shuffling me into a nearby diner. I remember how terrified I was in that moment, sitting across that table from him and wondering what he was going to do. I knew that day exactly who Darius was. He wasn’t just a random guy. Darius was the head of Purgatory. I’d heard the rumors. I was even warned by some of the girls not to work in certain areas, but did I listen? No.
***
“You got a name, buttercup?” I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve stayed silent the whole way to this diner. Truthfully, I never expected for him to take me to eat. I thought he’d rape me in the back of an alley by now, or kill me for being a so called “sinner”. Everyone loves sex, how is that a sin? Or maybe it isn’t the sex part, maybe it’s the men fucking underage girls for money part.
I grab the coke he graciously ordered for me and take a long sip, savoring the strong flavor, appreciating the bubbles that fill my empty stomach. I don’t know when I’ll get another bite to eat or drink again, so I make sure to eat as much as I can.
“Crystal,” I lie.
He chuckles at me. “Well Crystal, I’m Lt. Dan. Nice to meet you.” I want to laugh at his Forrest Gump reference. I almost do, but hold myself back. Instead, I slam him with the facts.
“That’s not your name. I’m not an idiot” I strongly state.
“Neither am I sweetheart, so let’s try this again. What’s your name?”
“Jenna,” I tell him this, unsure why I’m doing so. It’s not a lie – Jenna is my name now. It’s the name I’ll go by until the end of time. Or maybe just until the day I finally don’t have to pretend anymore.
“Lie.” He calls my bluff immediately.
I take another nervous sip of the coke sitting in front of me, all the while thinking about what I must look like. A young, barely legal girl sitting across the table from a guy who looks like he’s in a gang, wearing his jacket. I’m sure everyone around us must know what I am. They must be judging me for what I do, for my work. They don’t know that I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t have to.
Hell, if they all knew what I had to go through they’d probably encourage me for doing this. For moving forward to right the wrongs of the past. The thing is, I’m not just righting the wrongs of the past. I’m engulfing my past in flames. I’m incinerating every memory until it’s nothing but ash.
“Tegan. My name is Tegan.” I don’t lie this time. I look him straight in the eyes and before he tries to speak I cut him off. “I know what you’re trying to do, or at least I think I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to butter me up so I’ll fuck you for free. Isn’t that right?”
“Tegan, you couldn’t be more wrong. I’m not here to fuck you. I’m here to get you off this path. You seem like a levelheaded girl, and it fucking kills me when I see girls whoring it up on these streets. I don’t know you, but mark my words. I will save you from this life.”
***
I remember those words almost every day. It’s like they’re burned into my memory. Always for me to remember.
“You gettin’ all sentimental on me or some shit?” Darius sips on his beer, completely content as he stares me down.
“Nah. Just remembering the night you got me that coke. This place kinda reminds me of it.”
“This place is a fucking shit hole buttercup, damn. I didn’t take you to a place like this!” He cocks his head back and laughs hysterically.
“Okay, it wasn’t this bad. It just wasn’t nice either.”
“Damn. You think I was making bank? I was probably making less than you were back then.”
“I highly doubt that,” I growl, rolling my eyes at the idiot.
He takes a long sip of his beer and turns towards me. “You remember what I said to you that night?”
“Yes.” I’ll never forget what he said to me, ever.
“I think I kept good on my promise.”
“You did,” I agree. I look at him now, not staring him down with intensity. I just look at him. Darius was the first man I trusted after that horrible day. He was the only person on this planet that knew everything about me, from being the Enforcer’s doting little girl to being raped out in the woods in front of her father while his best friend watched and did nothing. He knew every gruesome detail of my past. The day I told him everything, he didn’t even blink. He looked at me and said, “I’ll help you anyway I can”. Since then, I knew I could trust the asshole.
“Are you gonna tell me what you’ve got, or am I paying for another beer or two?”
“I was wondering if you’d ever ask.” He winks at me, and all I can do is shake my head at him. I just really want to know what kind of update he has for me. Darius has been keeping track of Will for a long time. He’s tracked every major movement that he’s made. I’m glad for his friendship, and even for his worries. Neither of us wants for me to be caught off guard. I’ll be ready for Will when he finally decides to show his traitorous face back in the club.
“If you want my opinion, my boys say that they think he’s headed back in this direction.” Purgatory is his gang, he has hundreds of men that work under him – all with one main objective, to pass judgement to those who have sinned. In his own way, he’s some sort of outlaw vigilante. He and all of his followers.
“I’m not getting you mixed up in my shit. We’ve had this discussion too many times.” We had it repeatedly. He won’t just let things go. He wants to be involved in any major move I make, and God love him, but this isn’t his fight. It’s mine. I won’t have anyone taking away what I deserve.
“I’ve been mixed up in your shit since I found you trying to suck that guy’s dick. Don’t you fucking tell me that I’m not. Jesus, Tegan. Have you even fucking looked at yourself? Who the fuck are you? You sure as fuck aren’t Tegan anymore. You wanna know why I don’t call you Jenna? Because you’re sure as fuck not her. You’re letting this consume you… I wonder if any part of you is going to be left after it’s all said and done.” His words burn through me. They’re cold as ice, hurting my heart as he spits them out.
“I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore. I ask myself that every day!” I snap at him, I slide off the barstool, staring him deep in his dark eyes. “You’re angry because you want to fix this for me, just like how you wanted to save me. Darius, you saved me from being a damn prostitute. You can’t save me from this. Stop trying to change what’s neede
d to happen for years. Goodness.” I shake my head, running my hand back through my long strands. “I know you want to take this from me and not because they don’t deserve it. I know what you’d do. You’d do it for me, so I wouldn’t have to bear the weight of that decision for the rest of my life. But you don’t get to make these decisions for me. No one does.”
I place my palm on his shoulder and squeeze softly. “Be safe. I’ll talk to you soon”
“Peace,” he mutters back, and I know how much I’ve upset him. The only thing I can think about when I leave the bar and walk back to my hotel room is how he doesn’t understand and how he never will. My thoughts drift quickly from Darius to Dmitri, what he would think of this whole thing. And then I’m left wondering, why am I even thinking of Dmitri in the first place?
CHAPTER 5
Maybe I’ll become a monster. A heartless creature. A goddess of pain. Maybe then the emptiness of this bullet hole, they left in my chest, will finally make sense. -Veronika Jensen
Jenna
I stay in Nashville for two days. I wasn’t planning on it, but I needed a break from everything.
I won’t lie. Hearing Darius’s words the other night ripped me up inside a bit. It’s hard doing this, being alone. It’s what I am – alone. No one else is doing this with me. Darius is just privy to certain information, to information that I told him in good faith when I was young. He was the only person I could trust, and he’s become a valuable source.
I could say that I was just using him for his knowledge, for his contacts, for the fact he was in Purgatory – that he ran the fucking show. It would all be a lie.
He is my friend. I’d admit that even though he makes me want to rip my hair out of my damn head most of the time. He’s like a brother to me. A very annoying, overbearing brother that won’t let me do anything I want to do. The kind of brother that would’ve ratted me out to my parents for throwing a party when I was sixteen while they were away. Yep. That’s the kind of brother Darius would have been.
I make my way out of the hotel room and into the blazing Tennessee sun. It is a hot one today, I’ve been outside for maybe a minute and beads of sweat are already sliding down my face. Tennessee is home, though, and I am damned used to it.
I pull the cigarette from the back of my daisy duke cutoffs and light it with my zippo.
“Well, I’ll be damned! What the hell are you doin’ in this shithole, babe?” I turn back around, feigning a fake smile to none other than Slash. Short for Slasher, the Nomad who’s found a home and won’t admit it. This guy here, he’s been at the Skulls Renegade MC more than any other club over the past few weeks. I don’t understand him. He loves the freedom of the road but also wants a place to call home.
“I was just taking a couple day break, thought I’d come to Nashie for a bit, let my hair down and party.” The only thing I’ve been doing is relaxing it my shitty hotel room, catching up on old episodes of Dexter. Fits the bill, right? A woman who plans on killing at least two men in cold blood, watching a TV show about a serial killer.
“If I woulda known you were coming down here I could’ve given you a ride, you know.”
“Mhm. I needed some time on my own.” I bring the cigarette to my lips and take a soft drag, staring up at the man in front of me. Slash is handsome, or at least he’s handsome for the type of man he is. He’s rugged, sporting that 5’o clock shadow that never seems to go away. His muscles get bigger and bigger every time I see him. Most women would love to run their hands over him.
His name is specific. Slash. Slasher. He never told any of us why that name was chosen, or the story behind it. I can guess, though, and what I can tell is that his name is from the deep cut, or slash that goes across the left side of his face. It starts above his eyebrow, goes over his eye, just below his nose and cuts into his lip.
In his own way, he’s beautiful.
“A woman like you shouldn’t be out here all alone anyways, babe. It’s dangerous parts around here, think a smartie like you would know that.”
“You know I love playing with danger, Slash,” I laugh out, taking another drag of the cigarette. I take a moment to appreciate the surroundings. He’s right. The hotel I picked is where murders would happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if I saw Dexter rolling out of one of these hotel rooms with nothing, but a jolly old smile dragged across his face.
“You like playing with fire too, don’t you?” he asks, stalking towards me.
“Depends on how hot.”
“Blistering,” he firmly states, waggling his eyebrows. Slash wraps an arm around me, palming my ass and giving it a good squeeze. I can feel his erection when he brings his hips against my stomach.
“Put out my fire, babe. It’s been weeks since I’ve had you.” His voice is feral, growling into my ear. I love the raspy voice that men get when they want a woman. It makes me feel empowered. Important even.
My head floats back to Dmitri. It always floats back to him. How much I want him. How much I shouldn’t want him. Wondering what his voice would sound like when he wanted me. If he wanted me.
Then, I remember – the horrible truth that shoots down everything I’m thinking. You can’t have Dmitri, even if you wanted him. Having Dmitri would mean losing everything. It would mean opening myself up to him in ways that I couldn’t. I would have to show every dark piece of me, everything, and I don’t know that I could do that. That I could lose everything that I’ve worked so hard for.
I take a hard look at the man standing in front of me, knowing that I wouldn’t develop a single shred of a feeling for Slash. Slash is safe. Slash is secure. Slash tosses me aside as soon as he’s done fucking me. He treats me like a damn whore – how I need to be treated.
“Where’s your room?” I ask him, threading my fingers in between his. Praying to whatever God there may be that I won’t be thinking of the one I want.
The one that I can’t have.
CHAPTER 6
There’s always a glimmer in those who have been through the dark. -Atticus
Dmitri
Days have passed since our chat at the diner. Jenna is nosy. Too nosy, I will give her that. It’s Friday night, and the clubhouse is packed with members. The parties have just been getting bigger and bigger with the remaining Vipers who merged with the Skulls. The Nomads have been staying here more than usual, and a few Reapers from Montana are here.
I sit at the bar, watching, assessing as I normally do. I like to collect information, to understand what everyone has been doing – to find things to use against them in the event I have to be that person.
I’m always that person. I do the dirty work, the stuff that no one else wants to do because it means that most of the brothers hate me. They respect me, but they hate me as well. I’ll do everything to protect my club, even if that means watching my brothers like a strict parent. If it comes down to it, I’ll rat out their cheating asses to their Ol’Lady if it means we live to see another day.
“Jesus, Ollie, I’m not handicapped! Let me hang out,” Daisy growls at Seamus. She’s maybe half the size of him and is picking a fight like she knows she’s going to win.
“Get your pregnant ass in bed. My son needs to rest, and so do you woman,” he tells her. Ever since she announced she was pregnant all he’s been doing is being over protective. I don’t blame him. If I were him I’d be worried about the possibility of another miscarriage. We found out she had a previous miscarriage before I ended up here. Long story short, she was abducted a couple years ago and was pregnant with Kyle’s baby who was her Ol’Man at that time. After she was back for a couple months she had a miscarriage. Only Seamus and she knew about it until he blasted it out to the whole club when he and Kyle were fighting a couple months ago.
“I’m. Not. Listening. To. You,” She huffs out slowly, making sure he hears every word. I can’t help but smile at her spirit. You’d swear she was Russian with how hot headed and stubborn she is. But no, the girl was born and raised in Baltimore. Seamus s
coops her up in his arms, walking her down the hallway. She’s yelling at him, and I hear multiple brother’s yelling “night” to her.
“I would kill my man if he ever did something like that to me,” Jenna says, sliding up beside me. She wraps her arm around my back and moves her head to my shoulder. I take a moment to look down at the girl, and she’s made up like usual. Long black hair, dark eye makeup with deep red lips. A look I’ve come to adore.
“You would, would you?” I inquire, teasing her.
“Uh, yes. That is not hot. That is annoying. She’s pregnant, she can still walk and hang out. It’s not like we’re making her run around with weights strapped to her,” Jenna grumbles. I sling my arm around her, subtly marking what’s mine to the other men here. She may not know it yet, but she’s mine and she will know soon.
I take what’s mine.
I’ve wanted this woman for a long time, and I’ve held myself back. I had told myself it was for her, out of respect. That’s all shit, and I know it. I won’t be playing any more games with her. She will know very soon who she belongs to.
Jenna shifts her body closer, now kneeling next to me on the couch. I love that she’s becoming more and more comfortable with me as the days pass. I still don’t know much about her, but I have learned more today than I have in months. I didn’t inquire about her past, about her Enforcer of a father, or her mother. One day I will. Today is not that day.
“He’s just trying to watch out for her,” I tell Jenna, thinking that if she was ever with my child I’d be doing the same thing. Fuck, I’d be carrying her around, not wanting her precious feet to be touching the ground. Not with my son inside her.
Fuck.
Why the fuck am I thinking about Jenna pregnant right now?
“Dmitri?” I snap out of it as she says my name. “You kinda zoned out there for a sec,” she giggles, brushing her hand through her hair and taking it back. “I told you that he can still watch out for her but calm the hell down. She isn’t broken, she’s pregnant. She’s going to drive herself insane with him treating her like a porcelain doll.”
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