“Thank you, Sir,” I said, and saluted.
I wouldn’t bother trying to argue the point. Shepherd had made up his mind – I wouldn’t be allowed to remain here. I’d lost his trust and I didn’t blame him. Maybe it was all the fucking years of pent up anger over what’d happened in the desert. Or maybe, meeting Chanel had changed everything for me.
It was over. I had to leave and find a place for myself on the base in Hawaii. Hopefully, I’d be called out into combat one day and I could put all this behind me. Not that I lusted after death or glory, but there was no time to worry about emotions when life was precious and orders came from the top to be obeyed.
I walked toward the officer’s section, boots clicking on the floor that Chanel had kept. The walls were a different color, the lights had been changed on the ceiling above. She’d worked her magic in very little time, and would probably finish up here before the month was out.
In fact, she worked with military precision and efficiency. I admired that. I loved that.
Shut up. It’s over. This part of your life is over.
I strode toward the officer’s mess hall and the buzz of lunchtime activity. Three men appeared at the end of the hall, two flanking the one in the middle.
Whitmore.
The criminal spotted me and narrowed his eyes. The bravado he’d been touting for the last few weeks was gone, and had been replaced by outright hatred. “There you are,” he said. “I hoped I’d get to see you before you left.”
I ignored him, and one of the officers guiding him nudged him. “Quiet.”
“You’ll end up regretting this, Baker. I won’t lose, understand? You might think you’re better than me. You might see this as a victory. I won’t lose. Not again. You’re going to –”
The words trailed off as he turned the corner, but the grumbling continued. Perhaps, this had pushed him over the edge. He’d probably expected Timothy Meller to die in that hospital. He thought that he’d get away with this.
It showed how he’d lost touch with reality. I placed my palm against the wall and exhaled. “Christ, what’s happening to me? What’s happening to everything?” None of it felt right. I drew my hand away and blinked at the smudge on the wall.
Shit. The paint was still wet. And it was all over my damn palm too. I rushed off to wash up, stomach growling for a meal and for the resolution I knew wouldn’t come. My last day on the base. My last opportunity to see the woman I loved.
Scrubbing couldn’t wash away the sickly feeling that Whitmore had left behind. He achieved his longterm goal, technically. He separated me from Chanel and proved that I was fallible. I wasn’t fit to lead. I wasn’t fit to love.
What did that leave behind?
Chapter 33
Chanel
“So? How’s it going up there with all the decorating and shit?” Paula asked. It wasn’t what she really wanted to know, I could tell by the forced tone, higher pitched than usual.
“Everything’s fine,” I said. “I’ll be finished within the month, I think, if everything goes to plan.” I had to put up a brave face now, because Ryan would leave tomorrow and then where would I be? In a deep depression. I didn’t want to put that on Paula or anyone else. This was my mess.
“You heard about Timothy, right?”
“Yeah, my mom sent a message to tell me,” I replied. It hadn’t changed anything, though. I’d cornered Jameson and quizzed her about it, but the woman said nothing had changed except that Whitmore had been escorted off base. His part of this was, thankfully, over. I wouldn’t have any more late night visitations or freaky encounters in the mess hall.
“Isn’t that great news? I mean, not only for Timothy but for you as well,” Paula babbled on. “Right? Great news. Right?”
“Paula,” I said, but I couldn’t finish the sentence.
“That means he’s staying, doesn’t it? Your soldier is staying and all’s well that ends well.”
“No,” I replied.
“No?”
“No. He’s not staying. He still has to leave, Paula. He’s been reassigned to that base in Hawaii,” I said. “It’s over. It’s going to stay that way. I’ll be stuck here, and it will be over, and I’m fucking shocked my mother hasn’t closed my bank account by now.”
“She wouldn’t do that to you,” Paula said, but she didn’t sound so sure.
“She would. She helped me open it. She’ll close it and the funds will have to go into her account and I’ll be trapped in Meek Springs for the rest of my natural life.”
“No, you won’t. I’ll figure something out. I’ll help you,” Paula said. “You can sleep on my floor until you’ve got a place to stay. Hell, you can sleep in my bed with me. We’ll work something out okay?”
I shook my head. At least, the tears didn’t come this time. I’d cried myself out in the past week. My first true love just happened to be this absolutely untouchable guy who thought I wouldn’t be able to handle life as the girlfriend of a soldier.
As if my life in Meek Springs would be any better. What a joke.
“Chanel,” Paula said, and her voice quavered.
“What?”
“Honey, are you sure that you’re going to give up on this guy? Are you sure you’re ready to do that?”
“What other choice do I have? He’s leaving. He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“I can’t believe that’s true,” Paula said. “I’m sorry, I just can’t. The guy has clearly fallen for you. You’ve told me the details minus the nasty one, and it really seems that way.”
“Well, he’s just good at pretending, I guess.”
“Bullshit. The guy is in love with you. Why would he give that up?”
“Because duty is more important than love,” I replied, firmly. “He has a duty and I’m just here. I’m just –”
“So? Why can’t you go with him? I mean, once this whole interior decorating contract is done, what’s to stop you from going to Hawaii and living with him on the base.”
We hadn’t known each other long enough. No, that’s not it. “I don’t know. He thinks I don’t understand the sacrifice it would take to be with him.”
“Wow,” Paula laughed. “Well, what did he say when you told him about your dad?”
“I didn’t tell him,” I said.
“Are you kidding? You’re telling me that your dad didn’t come up once this entire time?”
“There have been a few things that have gotten in the way, Paula,” I said, hackles rising.
“Oh yeah? Like what.”
“Oh, I don’t know, like a guy attacking a civilian and pinning it on him, then threatening me. Or, wait, there’s the fact that I have to redo an entire base. Or the fact that we hardly got any time to talk and when we did we were, well, we were otherwise occupied.”
“Uh huh.”
“Look, don’t judge me. I’ve had a lot going on and so has he. This has been super confusing. I thought we weren’t anything but physical for a really long time okay?” I bit my lip and worked this over. Would it really make a difference to Ryan that I’d had a father in the military? Would it help him see that I understood duty, that I could handle periods with him being away or working long hours if necessary?
My heart fluttered.
“You’re making one huge fuck up if you don’t tell him about your dad. It seems to me like he’s worried about you getting hurt. If he realizes that he can’t hurt you by bringing you along, then… Hello?”
“I’m here,” I said, but I gripped the back of my office chair for support. “I – It’s getting late. Maybe I should go eat. It’s dinner time.”
“Chanel, listen to me for a second here. Listen to me. Ryan is obviously trying to protect you. He’s probably scared himself. This is your one chance at true love, girl, you can’t just let it go. You can’t let him walk away without fighting for it.”
“Fighting for it,” I said. What would my father have done? He wouldn’t have backed down, that was for sure
. He would’ve done whatever it took to succeed as he always had. “You’re right. Paula, you’re right. I’ll speak to him. I’ll find him.”
“You go, girl.”
“I’ve gotta go.” I hung up and slipped the phone into my jacket pocket. It was his last day. His last day. I couldn’t let him go without a fight. If Ryan thought things would be easier for me without him, he was wrong.
And he had to know that it wouldn’t be easier for him either.
I rushed out of my office and down the hall, the sound of officer’s talking, then a bout of laughter, broke my focus. I peeked in at the folks eating their meals, lasagna this evening, then did a double take.
Ryan was right there. Right in the middle of them, seated at the table and talking with Jameson and a couple of the other officers. God, he made my insides ache.
A fresh batch of nerves cropped up and I pressed my hands to my stomach. I had to do this. If I didn’t I’d regret it for the rest of my life. And my father had raised me to live without regrets, to take the chances I was given.
I entered the mess hall and walked over to him.
Jameson spotted me first, and nudged him. Ryan lifted his head, saw me and kinda twitched. He hadn’t seen me since the last time we’d hooked up in his quarters.
I halted beside the table, and an uneasy quiet fell, apart from some rowdy chatter from a table further back. There weren’t that many men and women in there. Everyone would likely end up hearing what I had to say.
“Hi,” I said.
“Miss Scott.” He nodded.
“I hear you’re shipping out tomorrow. Or flying out. Whatever it is you need to do, ha.” Lame. What a weak excuse for opening banter.
“That’s correct, ma’am.”
“I need to speak with you,” I said. “Now.”
Ryan glanced at the other soldiers. His shoulders sagged. “Chanel, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Fine,” I said, “you don’t want to talk in private? We’ll talk right here.” I didn’t care whether the others finding out meant I’d lose the contract here. I didn’t care about anything but Ryan and the possibility of finally convincing him that we were meant to be together.
I grabbed an available seat and dragged it over, then sat down beside him. All eyes on me. Ryan shaking his head. “We can talk later.”
“Later? There’s no time for later. You’re leaving tomorrow. We’re going to talk now.”
“Chanel –”
“I’m in love with you,” I said.
None of the other officers reacted, just watched. There wasn’t even a glimmer of surprise. They’d likely seen this coming from the start, since our liaisons were the worst kept secret around here.
“Chanel.”
“I’m in love with you and I know you’ve fallen for me too,” I said. “Honestly, I don’t care who hears about it. I know you think you’re saving me from a fate worse than death or whatever, but you’re not.”
“What do you mean?”
Shit, that had come out all wrong. Garbled because I couldn’t get my nerves under control.
“I want to be with you,” I said, after a second of working my jaw soundlessly. “I want to be your girlfriend and I want to come with you when you leave. Or after. I’ll follow after.”
Awkward quiet had crept past our table now, and through the cafeteria in general. Soldiers sat with their forks halfway to their mouths, staring.
“Ryan, I’m serious.”
He looked around, then took a deep breath. “I told you, you won’t be able to handle it, Chanel. And I can’t condemn you to a life of moving around.”
“I’d take a life moving around over a life in Meek Springs any day.”
“You have a stable life here.”
“I don’t,” I said. “Or I didn’t until my father died. You think I don’t understand what it’s like to move around but you’re wrong. I was a navy brat. I moved from base to base with my mother and father.”
Ryan blinked. Oh yeah, he hadn’t expected that.
I flushed bright red again. God, there should’ve been a limit to how many times that could happen to a person in one day. No, in one hour. “I should’ve told you before this, but there was never a chance, and I didn’t think it would make that much of a difference. But Ryan, my father was Commander Scott.”
Soldiers all through the room perked up. Those who held forks put them down and stared. A murmur in the background.
“Commander Scott,” Ryan said.
“Yes.”
“The most decorated navy SEAL in history?”
“Yes,” I replied. “I don’t talk about him often because it hurts like hell that he’s gone. But yes, he was my father, and I know what life will be like if I’m with you. I’m prepared for it. In fact, it’s all I want.”
“Chanel, don’t you understand? If I hurt you by allowing that I couldn’t forgive myself.”
“Allowing it?” I squared my shoulders. “Who do you think you are? Allowing it? Ryan, I’m in control of my own life and my own choices. You can’t micromanage my emotions for me. Did you ever consider that you leaving now would hurt me more than anything else could?”
“No, but –”
“Did you consider that I’m trapped here without you? I’m trapped in this town. Not only do I hate Meek Springs, but I hate sitting still here. I’ve dreamed of traveling for years and instead, I’ve been stuck here in the damn mountains like a hermit.”
He opened his mouth and I raised a hand to forestall him.
“I’m not saying you’re my ticket out of here. Just that you leaving without me, denying me, would mean more pain than the dreaded alternative you keep bringing up. So, ugh, yeah, you need to consider that, because I’m not going to let you leave tomorrow without giving me a clear answer.” I got up on shaky legs and walked toward the exit.
I didn’t expect him to answer me on the spot, and I needed a minute to myself to gather what sanity I had left. If he rejected me now, then that would be it. I’d done my best. I’d done what my father would’ve expected. He would’ve been proud, and that mattered.
I wobbled out of the mess hall and as far from it as I could manage before I collapsed against the wall, knees shaking. Boy, putting myself out there wasn’t easy. But I’d done it.
The rest was up to him now. He could come get me and fight for us, or he could leave and break us apart.
Chapter 34
Ryan
The hum of chatter didn’t resume for a good minute after Chanel left the cafeteria. I hovered on the brink of charging after her, but my insides had turned to iron and my legs were just as heavy.
“Commander Scott,” I muttered. He was the man who first inspired me to join the navy. Holy fuck. The man who got me into the damn Navy in the first place was Chanel’s father.
I’d heard tales about the legend. About his sacrifice and duty. I couldn’t wrap my head around this. Not only had I fallen for a woman who was intelligent, beautiful and strong, but she had a military background, as well.
“ – right, Baker?”
I blinked and turned to Jameson. “What was that?”
“I asked if you were okay,” she lowered her voice.
The hum of talk and clink of knives and forks had returned, at least. Thankfully, Commander Shepherd would leave before he caught wind of this. Not that it would make a difference. Chanel’s admission didn’t implicate me in anything illegal.
I was allowed to be in love with a woman, even if she was an independent contractor for the base. After all, it wasn’t some weird form of nepotism that had gotten her the job, rather, it was her talents.
“Baker. Are you with me?” Jameson elbowed me out of my fugue.
“Yeah, I’m with you, sorry.” I looked at her again, finally seeing her for the first time since Chanel had left the mess hall. “Jameson, what is it?”
“Man, this is not really any of my business, but you need to go after that girl.”
�
�What?”
“Go after her and do what you have to do,” she said. “How long have you been doing this, Baker? What are you going to do one day when it’s time to retire and all you’ve got is a uniform and nothing else?”
I didn’t know what to say to that.
“You admired Commander Scott, right?” Jameson asked, her voice low and urgent. “We all did. And he had a wife and family as well as a career. Why can’t you?”
I opened my mouth to argue but nothing came out. She was right. Of course, she was right. Why couldn’t I have everything? I’d held back for so long, I’d forced myself into duty to make up for what happened in the past and where had it gotten me? Here. Demoted because I couldn’t keep focus.
Bottling everything up hadn’t worked. Loving Chanel had opened me to emotion again and now, I’d be hard pressed to shut off that part of my life.
“Baker, I’m not your buddy, I’m your colleague, but I’ve got to step in here and tell you to get your head out of your ass before you lose a woman who truly loves you,” Jameson said. “You dig?”
I nodded once, twice, then scraped my chair back.
The room quieted again. A couple people cleared their throats, but they all stared me down.
“Any of you got something to say to, Baker?” Jameson asked, loudly, and glared around at the men and women in uniform.
One of the men in the back nodded. “Yeah,” he said, and gave me a thumbs up. “Go get her.” A smattering of applause broke out at that, and I tried not to show my surprise.
Damn, if anything I’d expected hisses. Whitmore had made out like the soldiers on this base hated me. I nodded to the man who’d spoken, then marched for the exit, buoyed up by their encouragement.
I hit the empty hall and anxiety clouded in. What if it was too late? What if I reached Chanel and she was fed up with my inability to act when it was crucial? I might’ve missed out on the opportunity to be with the woman I loved because of my own hardheadedness.
And because I’d doubted her. I should never have insinuated that she wasn’t strong enough to handle a life with a partner in the military. That had to have pissed her off.
Lieutenant Commander Stud Page 21
