by R. J. Lewis
He stood in the doorway, tired and expressionless. I glimpsed at him from head to toe. He looked…different somehow. They were subtle changes. He was bigger around the shoulders and his hair was tied back in a messy bun (some things never changed). His skin was the palest I’d ever seen, making his green eyes – god, they were beautiful – leap out of his face.
We stared at each other for some time, and I felt a myriad of emotions all battling with one another inside of me. Joy and excitement were the first to flood me. Then, as it tapered out, reservedness and anger took its place. It lingered longer as I recalled our last words and him leaving me. But then, as that too left, I felt sadness most of all.
“Take care, Elise,” I heard Hayden say quietly.
I nodded vaguely as he walked out, pushing past Aston. Aston didn’t even acknowledge him. He was too concentrated on me.
When we were completely alone, he finally moved into the room. His pace was slow and cautious. He stared at me like I was a wild animal. I didn’t blame him. I felt like I wanted to both flee and attack him for my own safety. I did neither, of course. I wasn’t that far gone from normalcy.
He took a seat by the bed, and it was too close for comfort. My eyes remained wide as I gawked at him, waiting for him to break the silence, because it wasn’t going to be me, no way.
“How are you feeling?” he asked me, his voice soft and cautious.
I eyed him dubiously. How was I feeling? Really? I clenched my jaw and narrowed my eyes at him.
His lips pursed. “Not going to talk?”
No, because I couldn’t.
“Adrian is coming. He’s going to talk to you about…about last night.” His face flashed with something dark. He sniffed gruffly and looked away. I recognized this expression. He was angry.
“Deck was arrested,” he added. “They’re going to charge him with intent to rape. You were…partly unclothed and people heard your screams. Not sure how his rich daddy’s going to get him out of this one.”
I didn’t respond, though I was relieved Deck wasn’t going to get away with this. I turned away, feeling shame over my actions, my intoxication, my vulnerability and poor decision making skills. My head still swam and I processed my environment slowly. I leaned back into the bed and turned my back to Aston, though every inch of me wanted to bend in his direction. I just couldn’t allow that to happen. Like a knife, he had cut me so deeply, and I wasn’t going to forget about it just because my heart was overdosing on his presence right now.
I heard him sigh long and slow. His defeated sigh. Yeah, well, I sighed that same damn sigh so many times since his absence. I didn’t care for it now. That was what my anger was telling me anyway.
I shut my eyes and dozed to sleep. I felt his presence every time I stirred awake. He didn’t leave me once.
*
Adrian showed up an hour later. Aston reluctantly left the room to give us space to talk. By then my head was a lot clearer. Like usual, Adrian was supportive. He held my hand and patted my back. He did things Dad would have done, and for a moment, I pretended it was my dad.
After he took my statement about the attack, he put away his things and said, “Your mother couldn’t make it. She’s stuck at work.”
I barely missed a beat. “Of course she is.”
My resentment toward her had escalated to a boiling point, and I wasn’t surprised in the slightest.
Adrian let out a long breath. “She loves you, Elise. She’s just not what she once was, but we’ll bring her back again. It just takes time.”
I eyed him tiredly. Adrian was always so eager to defend her. It didn’t make sense to me before, but now it was sort of obvious. “You’re in love with my mother, aren’t you?” I asked him in disbelief.
He just looked at me, and his silence spoke a thousand words. Yes, he loved her. He loved my absent mother and I pitied him. She’d never look in his direction, not when she was swimming in her own despair.
“Aston said he’s taking you home after you’re discharged,” he quietly said. “Get some sleep, alright?”
I nodded and he patted me softly on the shoulder before leaving.
*
It took forever for someone to come around, and the silence between Aston and me had become unbearable. When they finally told me I could go, it was afternoon and my head was aching with the need for sleep.
I walked with Aston to the parking lot. The last time I’d been here was when Dad died. I hated the feeling that gave me. I was exhausted and wobbly on my feet, but I refused his help when he leaned close to my side to keep me steady.
In my still half-drunken mind, I hated him. I didn’t want him near me. The sooner we got home, the better. I’d close my door on his face and pray he went back to his precious school and leave me alone. And then at the same time, the thought of him leaving me again killed me.
When I saw his beat up car, I nearly tripped over my feet. So many emotions flooded me at the sight of its crappiness. I couldn’t believe it was still alive. I glanced in Aston’s direction, but he was already unlocking the doors, keeping his face fixedly solemn. The deja-vu was strong as I then opened the passenger door and climbed inside. The smell of Aston’s cologne hit me, along with panic at the thought of everything that had transpired between us.
I was shaking when he slid into his side and started the car. I kept my face turned so he couldn’t see it, and stared out the window as he peeled out of the parking lot. God, the car was loud. I’d almost forgotten its shocking sounds, choking down the road. I couldn’t help but study the worn out dashboard and at the marks I’d made with my feet kicked high over it.
I’d danced in this car, sang bad songs and smiled at the guy next to me like he was my world, and now…now it was a hollow memory; a lifetime ago even though it had really been only seven months.
I couldn’t help but glance at Aston. A tingle journeyed down my spine when I caught his eyes already on me. He looked wretched, like he knew what I was thinking. I quickly turned away, unwilling to get drawn in by those green irises.
*
Aston followed me out of the car and to the house. He followed me inside and up the stairs. And when he followed me to my bedroom, I turned to him and shook my head firmly. He looked down at me for a solid two seconds before he said, “I’m not going anywhere, El. Not after what happened to you last night.”
I frowned and stomped inside my room. I quickly made to shut the door, but he was already pushing past me. I watched him sit down on my reading chair, which was a shitty old rocking chair I’d snatched for five dollars at a garage sale some time ago. It creaked under his weight and I half-expected it to break in half.
We locked eyes and I saw the determination in him. He wasn’t going anywhere, and the scary part was I hoped he wouldn’t. I kept my shaking lips sealed tightly in fear of confessing that.
A form slithered past my legs. I looked down at Tuck as he came to inspect the intruder. He circled around Aston, assessing him and sniffing him. I hoped he attacked him. Aston watched my bodyguard approach, and he extended his hand out to him, offering him his palm. Tuck stared at the palm for a long moment, almost bored, before he approached and sniffed again. Then…he nudged his nose against it. What.The.Fuck? Traitor! He probably recognized the scent of Aston still lingering in the house. Yeah, that was all. He didn’t like him or anything.
Aston smirked at me, and I rolled my eyes. I turned and disappeared inside the bathroom, not wanting to watch my cat cheat on me with someone else. Unreal! I slammed the door shut and rested my forehead against it. Shit, he was here for five minutes and he was already getting under my skin. Already finding passage to that spot reserved specifically for him.
I undressed and avoided the mirror. I slipped into the shower stall and turned on the water. I washed myself slowly, all the while listening in on any sounds outside that door. I purposely took a very long time under the water. Part of me hoped he would be gone by the time I finished. Things felt awkward, and
I didn’t want to confront that awkwardness because it meant sorting through what happened and why he left me the way he did.
I hated him for it. I reminded myself of that over and over again. You hate him, you hate him, you hate him. Don’t fall for his bullshit. If he cared at all for you, he’d never have abandoned you like that.
I finished a long while later. I tiptoed to the door with the towel wrapped firmly around me. I opened it a tiny bit and peeked out. Aston was still there, his arms crossed, his chin settled on his chest. His eyes were closed and he breathed deeply and steadily. He was fast asleep, and as I opened the door and quietly changed into my pj’s, I felt my heart tug deep inside my chest. He looked so peaceful with his scruffy short beard and hair over his forehead. He must not have slept at all last night.
I found Tuck sleeping against his legs. On a huff, I picked the traitorous ass up and settled him outside my bedroom. “You can sleep on the couch tonight,” I grouchily said. Tuck turned away without another blink and scurried across the house, destroying shit. I closed my bedroom door and crawled under the covers of my bed. The air had a chill to it. I buried my face in the pillow and closed my eyes. I had that many more hours of drunkenness to burn off. I fell asleep before I could even think of anything else.
25.
Elise
“Happy Birthday.” The voice was in my ear, and it came out in a husky whisper. “I never got to say it ‘til now.”
I felt fingers brushing the hair from my face and the warmth of a large body stretched beside me. Confused, I opened my eyes, my heart rate already accelerating as I focused on the body spooning me from behind.
“Aston?” My voice sounded strained. Tears already threatened to spill.
I could smell him all over me. I knew I hated him but…god, I couldn’t push him away if I tried.
“Yeah,” he replied, running a finger down my nose and across the crease of my lips. It was like the past day hadn’t happened, like I hadn’t just ignored him and loathed him so vehemently. I didn’t understand what he was doing here in the first place. What had prompted him to come back all of a sudden?
“What…Why are you here?” I asked him.
“You thought I’d miss your birthday?”
My lips quivered as tears fell from my eyes. “I didn’t think you’d remember,” I admitted.
He sighed, brushing his lips against my ear. “How could I forget? I came back last night hoping to find you here, and you weren’t.”
“Then how’d you find me?”
“I called Cindy and she cursed at me but then said you were acting out so it was best I come get you. By the time I got there, that fuck was over top of you.”
“You were really there?”
He wiped my tears as I lay there, still in a sleep-induced fog. “Yeah, I was. You thought he was howling in pain over nothing. I hit him and I’m fighting my anger real hard right now, El. I’m scared of how much he touched you because I want nothing more than to rip him to pieces.”
“Don’t. He’s been arrested, Aston, and he didn’t touch me like that.”
“But he tried to, right?”
“He did, but…I fought him in the end. He didn’t get anything out of it.”
“You promise?”
“Yeah.”
He let out a long breath. “Okay.”
He continued wiping the tears from under my eyes, and I both ached for his touch and wanted to push it away.
“What are you thinking?” he asked me gently.
I shut my eyes tightly, fighting back all those suppressed emotions since he’d gone, but…I couldn’t.
“I’m so angry at you,” I told him hastily, my voice cracking. “You hurt me so much, Aston. All I wanted was for you to be there, and you weren’t. You left me.”
“Forgive me,” he replied tightly, his voice in distress. “I didn’t mean to be away, El. I just…after everything, I’ve been hurting. The thought of coming back to this place where he was…it kills me.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I can’t…I can’t stay away. I couldn’t be at my place and know you were here, thinking I forgot your birthday or didn’t care.”
More tears fell. “But this is worse.”
“I know.”
“This hurts more.”
He exhaled. “I know.”
“How am I meant to handle this?”
“Just…try,” he pleaded. “Please, try.”
He turned my face to him. In the dim light cast by the lamp on my night table, my eyes adjusted to him. From up close, he really did look older somehow. His face had filled out so much. There wasn’t a single boyish feature in him anymore.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized contritely. “I’m so sorry for leaving you like that. It was the biggest mistake of my life, and I’m so sorry for hurting you.”
I stared at him for a long time. This was real, wasn’t it? He wasn’t a figment of my sleepy imagination. He was actually apologizing to me and touching me and staring at me in that goddamn way I yearned for.
I raised my hand and touched his face. He shut his eyes as I ran my finger down his cheek and across his jawline. My heart hurt and exploded at the same time. This was misery and happiness twisted together as one. He leaned into my touch, until he was inches from my face. I felt his breaths against my mouth. He opened his eyes slowly and looked into mine. His breathing picked up and his thumb drew circles on my cheek as we gazed at one another.
“How have you been?” he asked me, his voice still wretched.
“Terrible,” I answered quietly.
“I’m here now, okay?”
I nodded, circling his lips with my thumb. They were so soft. God, I missed the feel of them.
He inhaled sharply at my touch, and his jaw tensed. He looked conflicted for a moment, and then he asked, “Has there been anyone since I left?”
I shook my head slowly, still staring at his lips. “No.”
He let out a breath and dropped his forehead to mine. His hand drifted from my cheek to my hair. I felt him grip a chunk as he looked down at me. Minutes passed with him inching closer, until we were practically breathing each other’s breaths. My hand drifted down the side of his body and I urged him to get closer. His body began at my side and ended with him over me, a position that was all too familiar – all too missed.
There were so many unresolved issues between us, yet we still gravitated to one another. All of that weight faded into the background as we locked eyes. This man was my need, my love, my obsession. Right from the beginning, the boundaries between us were made to be broken.
“Has there been anyone since you left?” I asked him back.
He shook his head solemnly. “You know there hasn’t been, El. There never will be.”
I couldn’t feel emptiness anymore. Couldn’t even remember what it was like when he was touching me like this.
He studied me fixedly as he slid his hand down the side of my body. He was seeking permission, and when I didn’t react, he continued.
“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he told me. “It’s fucked up, El. I have to force you out of my head and think about numbers just to make it through the day.”
“Then stop forcing me out of your head,” I muttered back.
He lifted my shirt up and stroked the bottom of my stomach. I shivered beneath him, feeling blood rush straight to the spot between my legs. He continued watching me, his breathing picking up as he inched beneath the hem of my pants.
“Can I feel you?” he asked in a whisper.
I bit my lip, hesitating. “Just a little bit.”
His lips quirked up. “Just a little bit?”
I nodded. “Little bit.”
His fingers slid further down the hem of my pants, brushing against my tender skin, and I shivered at the feeling.
“Is that a little bit, El?”
“No,” I lightly moaned. “A little more.”
“A little more?”
His fingertips brushed against that sensitive spot again, harder this time. I opened my mouth to gasp when he kissed me.
His kiss was deep, thorough. His tongue tangled with mine and I felt sparks from head to toe. Why was this man so different than all the rest? Why did he turn me inside-out and leave me utterly defenceless?
I didn’t know. I didn’t care.
He rubbed me as he kissed me, stealing my breath as I moaned and writhed.
“A little more,” I panted, flushed from head to toe. “More, Aston.”
He slipped my pants down my legs, until there was nothing separating him from me. Then he pulled back and moved down my body, spreading my legs apart as he settled his head between them.
His tongue slid across the most private part of me, and then he sucked at my clit, the suction rhythmic and constant. The room spun, or maybe it was a combination of the grogginess and pleasure. My feet dug into the mattress as he tasted me, using that tongue in ways that left me breathless and needy. I buckled and moaned. God, I was so sensitive, I was going to come in an instant.
He hadn’t forgotten my triggers, the way to lick me and how hard to press his tongue along that bundle of nerves. I buried my fingers into his hair, grinding myself against his mouth until I exploded. I shook, blown apart by the intensity of pleasure that swept me.
Wow, wow, wow!
“Was that a little more?” he asked me, humour alive in his voice.
“No,” I groaned. “A little more.”
Fingers still in his hair, I pulled him back up to me. He went willingly, kissing me hard on the mouth. We fumbled, hungrily tearing apart our clothes. He undressed me quickly, until every inch of me was bare. Then he was kissing at my chin and sucking at my throat hard enough to leave marks behind.
“I missed this,” he groaned, licking feverishly at my lips. “Just kissing you, tasting you. I never had it enough.”
My hands ran down his hard back, over the indentations of muscles I’d never felt before – new ones, I realized – before my palms settled on his ass. I urged him to me, raising my hips to graze against his hard cock.
