"Shit, sorry, Ruby." Devon slowed down to a reasonable speed. He looked at me in the rear vision mirror and gave an apologetic smile. His anger at Tex had gotten the most of him. I think he'd even forgotten I was in the back.
But Tex glared at me. What had I done? Was I supposed to sit in the back with my mouth shut until we ended up dead? That was not how I wanted to spend my afternoon. Devon was always really polite to me. Just polite, nothing more after that one time he'd asked me out. Still, Tex tried to keep us apart as much as possible. He got stupid if I even tried to make conversation with Devon.
I leaned back against the door, my leg folded up on the seat. Tex hunched over in his seat and Devon kept all his attention on the road. There was no music in that car. Nothing at all but simmering emotion. Screw the pair of them. They could have their angst. I got my phone out of my bag and put the headphones on. I'd be in my own little world if they wanted me.
Chapter 10 Tex
We got to the venue and unloaded. There were a couple of roadies around but they mainly did set up. I got my stuff and went straight to the stage. I knew I should’ve stayed with Ruby until she’d gotten settled in the band room but I didn’t want to talk.
There was something in the way she said that. “Devon, please, can you slow down? You're scaring me."
It ripped the insides out of me, like a savage beast trying to escape capture. All claws and snarls shredding my flesh from the inside out. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t even look at her. I could never voice the feelings that hit me at that moment.
Devon didn’t even notice. I’d glanced at him and there’d been no reaction. He’d forgotten like the shithead he was. That guy had a whole bucket filled with fucks he didn’t give.
Those words, those exact words. Julie had said them. To him.
That’d been one of those nights when everything had fallen to shit really fast. Julie hated dangerous driving. Well, after what happened to our parents, who could blame her. She’d asked him politely and the more polite Julie was, the more pissed off you knew she was.
In most ways, Ruby was nothing like Julie. Julie had been wild. She could walk into a room and turn every head. There was something about her, a charisma and charm that got her exactly what she wanted. Everything she did, she did with a flair and passion that flamed. And often burnt out just as fast.
Not Ruby. Ruby was the most hidden of gems. She built up a camouflage to protect herself and to remain unseen by most of the world. You had to be incredibly lucky to see behind her walls. Every day I thanked the powers that be that I was one of those lucky few.
But when she’d said those words, in that same carefully modulated tone that Julie had used, it scared the crap out of me. And it dug up all the old angers. I had let Devon in far enough that I would play music with him but I had not forgiven him. I would never forgive him.
And none of that was anything to do with Ruby. I turned to apologise but she had zoned out. She could shut a man out faster than he could blink. She had on those headphones and had that look in her eyes that made you think that she’d left this planet for worlds unknown.
Normally, that enthralled me but, on top of my anger with Devon, it made me pissier. Like she’d left me alone when I needed her.
I’d have killed a man for a cigarette but I’d made a promise with myself not to smoke any more. I’d cut back when we moved into the studio then decided that, if I wanted to be with Ruby, I should quit altogether. She’d never said she wanted me to quit and I didn’t want to tell her I was trying in case I failed.
Even after sound check, I didn’t go back to her. She was an adult, I told myself, I didn’t need to babysit her. But that didn’t sit right. She’d only come along to support me. Still, I swept those thoughts to the back of my mind.
My fingers twitched and I saw a couple of the roadies heading out the back for a smoke break. If I asked them, they’d be more than happy for me to join them but if I had one when I was drinking, I’d end up smoking half a pack before the night was out. I tried to distract myself.
I talked to the techs for a while and made sure everything was perfect for our performance. I wanted to keep busy and forget every stupid thought in my head. I did not want to say anything I’d regret. I could feel myself slipping back into that dark place and I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t know how to fight it though.
While I was checking out the merchandise stall, and signing some shirts for the girls working there, Lizzie and Ruby came out.
“Hey, we’re going to get some burgers,” Ruby said. “Do you want one?”
I shrugged. Of course I wanted a burger. Did she even need to ask? This stupid, unreasonable anger built up inside me, likely to explode in a vomit of rage if I opened my mouth. I didn’t want to snap at Ruby. She didn’t deserve to have my anger directed at her. It was easier to just say nothing.
“Hey, wait up a minute, I’ll come with you.” Devon came slinking over from out of nowhere. “I’ll just grab my wallet.”
As he left, I gave Ruby a look to let her know I didn’t want her going with him. She turned away.
“Maybe you should stick around here,” I finally said. I shouldn’t have needed to say that. She should’ve known how I felt.
She shrugged. “There’s nothing for me to do here and I’m hungry.”
“You know how I feel about Devon.”
“We’re just getting a burger.”
It might be just a burger to her but who knew what Devon had in mind. I didn’t trust him, would never trust him. He’d seem like he was being friendly but his words would twist things and he’d plant seeds of discontent in her mind. If Ruby really considered my feelings, she’d stay here with me.
The three of them went off together.
When they got back, they hadn’t even got me a burger. They’d gotten them for everyone else.
“You said you didn’t want one,” Ruby said.
I had not said that at all but, if I said it now, I’d look like a stupid kid. I just wanted to play this gig and get home. Everyone thought that, after playing the festival, the spell had been broken and I could just get up on that stage with no issues but it wasn’t that easy.
I sat in the corner of the band room, my stomach rumbling and my fingers twitching for a cigarette. Instead of making me feel better, Ruby said something to Devon and the two of them laughed. It cut through me like a sword.
Chapter 11
Ruby
Watching the guys play in a smaller venue was totally different to the festival.
“Let’s go out the front,” said Lizzie. “It’ll be more fun than sitting back here.”
I wasn’t convinced. The band room was safe. And there were a lot of people out there but I didn’t want ruin Lizzie’s fun so I said I’d go with her.
Even though it was crowded, Lizzie and I pushed our way to the front. Well, Lizzie pushed and dragged me with her. I thought it'd be awful being around that many people but I’d had a few drinks and it wasn't so bad. I was so focussed on the thought of watching Tex that I didn't pay that much attention to the people around me anyway.
About halfway through the concert, someone spilt a drink down my back. The cold, sticky sensation drew me right out of watching the band. I'd taken my jacket off and left it backstage and the wet t-shirt fabric stuck to my back. There was nothing I could do about it and no way could I get backstage without pushing back through that thick forest of people. I did try to get the fabric away from my skin. While I tried to sort out my t-shirt, I felt a sharp prick on my neck, like a mosquito bite. That seemed strange but I was more worried about the gross sensation.
In the break between songs, Lizzie leaned over to me.
"Don't worry about it. You'll soon dry off in here."
She wasn't wrong. So many people crowded into the space meant that it was pretty damn hot and steamy. I smiled to let Lizzie know I was okay. She smiled back and Tex started playing the intro to the next song, so I forgot about it. The two of us
danced as much as a person could dance with so little personal space. The movement of the crowd swelled around me so that I was pushed away from Lizzie. A mass of people pushed from behind me and I tried to move with them to avoid getting hurt when a hand thumped on my back, taking the air out of my lungs. I stumbled forward, flailing through the crowd. Someone pulled my hair and, when they let go, I spun around. Of course, I couldn't see who'd grabbed my hair but one of the faces looked kinda familiar.
Finally, the crowd settled down and I found my way back to Lizzie.
"Are you okay?" she mouthed.
I nodded.
I must've looked distressed through because she moved the two of us further back down the floor so we could lean against a balustrade to the side. I could breathe easier there.
At the end of the show, I looked at the surge of people leaving. We'd have to fight through them all to get backstage.
"Let's wait," I said.
"Good idea. Want a drink?"
We were close to the bar, so Lizzie grabbed us a drink each. I hadn't told her what I wanted so she'd got me a bourbon and Coke, the same as her. I took a sip and it was way too sweet for me.
I hadn't realised how many people had been in the place until I watched them leave. It seemed to take forever for them to file out. Tex had said it was a sold out show of 5,000 people but I'd had no concept of what that meant. I’d seen the crowd at the festival but hadn’t really registered the level of fame we’d been talking about there. But actually having been part of the crowd, it totally became real to me. Some of these people seemed absolutely fervent about the band. They’d had looks of ecstasy on their faces while Tex played.
"Does it worry you?" I asked Lizzie. "I mean, do you ever worry about what all this fame means for your relationship with Brownie?"
Lizzie shrugged then screwed up her face like she'd never thought about it before.
"Not really. Brownie is Brownie. He'd be the same no matter what. Sure, he'll have to be away from home a bit but it means we can get the things we want faster. We'd be paying off the house forever if he was just doing his old job."
Funnily enough, Brownie hadn't given up his job as a bricklayer. The two guys, Tex and Brownie, were fundamentally different. Lizzie had fallen in love with a guy who'd stay the same no matter what but the guy I'd fallen in love with, I wasn't sure if he'd ever been the real Tex or just a temporary version. I didn't want to tell her about my fears and insecurities though. She was the type of person who'd tell me to not worry but that was only because she saw the good in people.
"Maybe we should head back now," I said.
When we got to the security, they asked to see our passes. I'd completely forgotten about the pass and reached for it.
"It's gone."
Lizzie had flashed hers and was through the barrier. She turned back.
"Gone?"
I felt around my neck for the lanyard, hoping it was misplaced although where it could've gone, I had no idea.
"She's with me, with the band," Lizzie said.
The hulking great guard shook his head though.
"Normally I'd let you through but we've had very strict instructions from their management. No one without a pass. I'll lose my job if I let you through."
Yikes, where had the damn pass gone? There's no way it'd just fallen off. Maybe it'd gotten yanked off when I'd fallen. What could I do?
"I'll get Tex," Lizzie said and walked off to the back stage area.
I sat beside the barrier and waited. Most of the people had left except for bunches of people around the bar. The floor was a mess of plastic cups and litter. I thought for a moment about looking through it for my pass but I could be sifting through that trash all night. I went back to the bar but no one had handed one in. Not to worry. Tex wouldn’t be long.
The stage looked so barren without the band up there playing, like all the magic had gone. No more glitter and sparkle.
It seemed to take forever for Tex to come out. What was taking him so long?
A couple of guys walked out on stage and started winding up cords. A couple of girls approached the stage and called out to them, asking for souvenirs to take home. One of the guys handed them the set list still taped to the ground near Tex's mike stand. They ran away, squealing and laughing.
I didn't even have my phone with me. I'd left everything in my jacket pocket. Even my cash. I sipped at the syrupy drink in my hand and waited some more. My drink had gone watery now that the ice had melted but still tasted far too sweet.
The guys on stage had finished packing up.
"I think your friend's forgotten about you, love," the bouncer said. "They'll be shutting down the place soon. You might want to wait outside or even find your own way home."
But Lizzie wouldn't have forgotten about me. She wasn't the type to forget about people. Something was going on and I had to get back there to find out. I kicked the barricade in frustration.
"It's okay, she can come through."
It wasn't Tex though, it was Hannah come to let me in. What the hell was Tex doing? I hoped he was okay. Maybe he'd thought the show had gone bad and was in a deep funk. He needed me.
That made me nervous. I bit my lip, hoping he wasn't too bad and I could just jolly him out of it. I was so stupid to lose my pass like that. I should've put it inside my t-shirt so it hasn't just dangling freely. If I'd known what that crowd would be like, I'd have done that.
We walked down the blackened corridor until we came to the band room. I steeled myself for some serious talking. Maybe Tex would want to go straight home. That would be best for both of us.
As we walked through the door, I heard laughter. Tex's laughter. Huh? He couldn't be too depressed.
Tex sat at a table with a girl beside him. The two of them were both laughing at something. He hadn't even noticed me enter the room.
A chill went through my body as though I'd stepped into the harshest winter night. I didn't even want to look at them. I sensed Hannah’s arm on mine but I didn't want to look at her either. She'd have pity in her eyes. I did NOT want to see pity in her eyes. I wanted to run and hide. My jacket was on the bench on the other side of the room. Devon sat near it with a girl on his knee. I didn’t recognise her.
I couldn't leave without it but I couldn't move. I’d have go to walk right next to them. A bunch of people were crowded into the room. Hannah went off to talk to them, leaving me alone.
I wrapped my arms around myself. One part of me wanted to walk over and punch Tex in the face but the other part of me realised that this was what I'd been expecting all along. There was a feeling of inevitability about the whole scene.
Tex still hadn't even noticed me. The woman with him was heaping him with praise and he laughed but you could tell he was lapping it up. I never did that. I never gushed over him. Even though I couldn't look at them, from the corner of my eye, I could see her reaching over, touching him. It was like the two of them were in a world of their own and I didn't exist.
Suddenly, Devon was beside me, wrapping my jacket over my shoulders.
"Want to get out of here?" he asked.
He'd been drinking and I wondered how we'd get home then it hit me, would I even be going home? Maybe Tex had other plans.
"Ruby, where have you been?" Tex called.
Devon still had his hands on my shoulders. “You don’t have to deal with him. We can just leave,” he said quietly in my ear.
But Tex jumped out of his seat and grabbed Devon.
"Get your hands off her."
I squirmed away from both of them.
The woman who'd been with him jumped up too. She was definitely familiar. She was the one who'd been behind me in the crowd. And the strange pizza delivery woman. It didn't make sense. What was she doing here?
"Where have you been, Ruby?" Tex said it accusingly, like I'd been the one flirting with someone else. The blood rushed to my head.
"Waiting for you. Didn't Lizzie tell you?"
"She sa
id you'd lost your pass but I figured you'd organise something."
"You didn't think that maybe you should be the one to do that?" My teeth were on edge. I couldn't understand him. He was trying to make this look like I'd done something wrong.
"Whatever," he said and turned away from me.
I grabbed his arm.
"What do you mean ‘whatever’? You figured I wasn't around so you'd just find someone else? Is that the way it's going to be? I only came here to support you."
His face clouded over.
"Maybe that's the problem, Ruby. There are thousands of people who come here because they enjoy my music. They want to see me. But for you, it's like a big imposition to get you away from your bloody laptop."
The unfairness of what he said made me boil inside. Behind him that freaky pizza delivery woman smiled like it was Christmas morning and she'd just unwrapped the greatest gift of all.
“At least my laptop treats me well.”
Tex snorted.
My head pounded. There were things going on here that I just couldn't process. I didn't want to be around him. I didn't want to be around anyone.
"Fine then," I said. "I'll leave you to it."
My voice sounded so cold, even to me. All I wanted was for him to soften a little. To say one word to make me stay. My stomach was going to fall out onto the floor in a violent heave as he stared at me. I stared back, waiting for him to make it right.
But he said nothing.
I turned away and walked out the door. There were footsteps in the hallway behind me. I wouldn't turn around though. He'd had his chance and he'd just made me look like an idiot in front of all those people. I'd never forget the smirk on that woman's face. If he wanted to apologise, he could've done it then instead of in private.
As the footsteps fell in time with mine, I realised it was Devon, not Tex. My heart sank. He really didn't care.
"Do you need a lift somewhere?" he asked.
I shook my head. "You've been drinking. You shouldn't drive."
Cry For You Page 7
