She sucked in a sharp breath, her heart pounding from those simple, telling words, and tried not to let the dark swirl of panic she could feel coiling down in her belly take hold of her. The minutes ticked by, and she knew Sean had finally fallen asleep, while she was still desperately trying to stay calm and not overthink everything.
Needing a little space so that she could breathe, she carefully eased out of his arms, trying not to jar the bed as she moved to her feet, then gathered up her clothes. She’d just finished pulling on her blouse—the process of getting dressed slower than usual, since she kept stealing hungry, longing glances at Sean—when she heard the text alert on her phone go off.
Wondering why she was so relieved the sound hadn’t woken him, Natalie frowned as she made her way into the living room, where she’d left her purse. Taking her phone out, she pulled up her messages, and read the new one from Sophie.
Soph: Hey! Did I hear your voice over at Sean’s?
She blinked down at the screen, and just stood there, frozen, heart pounding as if she were running down on the beach at full tilt. And then another text popped up.
Soph: Hope so! I would be so freaking happy for you. You guys are perfect for each other!
Hand shaking, Natalie stared at the screen until her eyes started to blur, that sick swirl of panic coiling tighter inside her, until it was ready to explode. Like the fucking straw that broke the camel’s back, her earlier courage was decimated. Obliterated. She’d been trying so hard not to freak out, but deep down, hadn’t she known this moment was coming? That she wouldn’t be able to hold it back, no matter how hard she tried?
Maybe it was all the talking…or Sophie’s texts…or… Hell, maybe it was everything. Maybe she was just too fucking broken to try for something beautiful, when for so long she’d looked at relationships as something that had no place in her life…in her heart.
Seriously, what was she doing? Playing make-believe for a weekend? The only sane option was to leave before she had to deal with the fallout. And there would be fallout, no matter how things eventually played out between her and Sean. If they enjoyed some fun times together, and then, despite what he’d told her, he one day said, “Thanks, babe. It was real, but now it’s time for you to go,” she’d be utterly devastated. Fucking ruined.
And if he didn’t… God, if he honestly wanted more from her. Wanted to keep seeing her, laying claim to her, working his way into her heart, it would be even worse. Because then she might have to deal with the shitty possibility that she didn’t have any more to give him. Could be forced to come face-to-face with one of her deepest fears: that any capacity for a healthy, loving relationship had dried up in her a long time ago, because she would always second-guess. Always struggle to believe…to trust.
Shit, shit, shit! Reality was such a fucking bitch! She wanted to scream and rage and cry—just curl up into a pitiful ball on the floor and bawl her fucking eyes out—and she knew that if she had any hope of keeping it together, she had to go. She had to get out of there now.
Please don’t run…
The memory of his husky words slammed into her like a physical punch, and she flinched, her body shaking as she pulled her purse strap over her shoulder, then did the same with her bag.
Don’t run…
God, had he known? Had he suspected something would happen to spook her and she’d react this way? That she’d run like the stupid coward that she was?
Sophie had done the same at the start of things with Chris, but the situations were so different. Soph had been worried Chris was still involved with his psycho ex, while Natalie knew for a fact that Sean didn’t want anything to do with his dumbass ex-wife. So she couldn’t put this on him. It was all her. Her and her stupid, twisted hang-ups that she couldn’t get past.
Disgusted with herself, she quickly tracked down a pen and a pad of paper, and struggled to keep her hand from shaking too badly as she wrote him a short note.
Sean,
You were right. I don’t regret going home with you. I could never regret it. But I’m not brave enough to take the chance. Not with you. If it didn’t work… I don’t think… That just isn’t something I could deal with.
But thank you for what was honestly the best night of my entire life.
Love,
Nat
Finished, Natalie placed the note on his coffee table, not trusting herself to go back into his bedroom. Then she let herself out of the condo as quietly as possible, praying she could make it out of the complex and call for a cab, without Sophie or Chris catching sight of her.
But fifteen minutes later, she didn’t feel any sense of relief when she closed the door to the back of the cab and gave the driver her address.
She’d shut down so completely by that point, Natalie didn’t feel anything at all.
Chapter Nine
The weekend spent with Sean had been…decadent. There was no other word to describe it, unless you were using decadent as an adverb. Decadently beautiful. Decadently perfect. Decadently orgasmic.
And then Natalie had gone home, and everything had gone back to the way it was before. Dull as shit. Bitter. Oh, she eventually tried to put on a brave face and smile her way through the days, but every morning her eyes were puffy and red from crying into her pillow the entire night before. If she wasn’t careful, people were going to start thinking she was strung out on something.
But it wasn’t an illegal substance that had her jonesing like an addict. What she craved was one hot, alpha-as-hell, mouthwateringly sexy sportswriter who made her feel like the most important, beautiful woman in the world.
At least, he’d made her feel that way before she’d bailed on him. And since then, he hadn’t done a damn thing.
It was stupid, and incredibly unfair, but she was hurt that he hadn’t tried to contact her. No calls. No texts. And then Sophie had stopped by, and told her how hurt and angry Sean was over the way she’d handled things. According to Soph, he’d punched a hole in his wall, after waking up to find the note she’d left him. Chris had helped Sean patch the wall up Sunday night, and shared some beers with him.
Chris, it seemed, understood exactly where Sean was coming from.
Poor Sophie. Completely caught in the middle between her man and her bestie. The situation only piled more guilt on Natalie’s shoulders, until she was surprised she could even get up out of bed in the mornings.
Monday had been hard, but she’d been kind of numb still, walking around in a haze, refusing to feel anything, only nodding when anyone in her classes had tried to talk to her. The sniffling and tears had started on Tuesday, taking her by surprise, since she wasn’t a crier.
After all the tears she’d watched her mom shed over her dad, Natalie had done everything she could to shut down her own crying mechanism. And until now, she’d done a damn good job of it.
So, yeah, Tuesday had hit her like a ton of bricks. When she wasn’t crying, she’d spent the day walking around like a zombie and rubbing her fingertips over her lips, marvelling at how soft and swollen they’d still felt, after all the hours of kissing she and Sean had done. His kisses were—like the rest of him—completely addictive; each one deep and drugging and scalding with pleasure. And she missed those kisses so badly she fucking ached with it.
Not surprisingly, after Tuesday, the week had gotten increasingly crappy. Sadly, the highlight had been running into Matt before their class together, and telling him what a cheating loser he was. He’d tried to bluster his way through a bullshit excuse, but she’d just turned and walked away.
At least that time she’d been walking away for the right reasons.
Now it was late Thursday afternoon, and she was dreading the idea of heading home soon, after working a rare lunchtime shift, knowing damn well that she would spend the night pacing the floor in her tiny apartment. When the crowd started to clear out, and she caught sight of the beautiful brunette sitting at a table by one of the sunlit windows, on the far side of the restaurant, Nat
alie did a double take, surprised to see that the woman was Chris’s cousin and next-door neighbor, Karin.
Tossing aside the cloth she’d been using to polish glasses, she went around the end of the massive mahogany bar and walked over to the table. “Hey Karin. Did you enjoy your lunch?”
The pretty divorcee looked up from her phone and smiled at her. “It was great, thanks. I don’t do this often, but some of the mom’s from Jase’s soccer team asked if I would meet up with them to brainstorm about fundraising.”
“Come up with any brilliant ideas?”
Karin gave her a rueful smile. “Not even close. But Jase is with his grandmother today, so it was fun to get out for a while and act like a grown-up.”
Natalie tried to give her an understanding smile, but the expression felt so foreign on her grief-ravaged face, she was afraid it probably came across more like a grimace. Then she saw something from the corner of her eye that wiped her attempt at a smile completely away, her breath sucking in on a sharp gasp, just before she whispered, “Shit.”
Karin gave her a worried look. “What’s wrong?”
“That guy over there,” Natalie murmured, nodding her head toward the tall, dark-haired hunk who was talking to a group of men only a few tables over. “That’s Sean Cartwright’s brother, Paul. He’s a detective.” On Sunday, Sean had mentioned that he’d met Chris’s cousin, so she assumed Karin knew who she was talking about.
Dark eyes still locked on Paul, Karin looked a bit dazed. “That’s Sean’s brother? I’ve never seen him at the condos.”
“I’m sure he’s been there,” she murmured, noticing for the first time that Paul had some kind of sexy Celtic tattoo crawling up the right side of his neck. “I, um, got the feeling they spend a lot of time togeth—Oh, shit, he’s coming over here!”
Karin looked speechless. Not to mention like she might make a run for it, her brown eyes darting toward the exit. But then Paul was there, holding out his hand to Natalie, as he said, “Natalie, right? We didn’t get a chance to meet last Saturday, but I’m Paul.”
She nodded, and found herself shaking his hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”
Handshake over, he pushed his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and gave her a sexy smirk that reminded her entirely too much of Sean. “Don’t look so worried,” he murmured, studying her expression with blue eyes that were a shade darker than his brother’s. “I’m not here to find out what’s put Sean in such a lethal mood all week.”
Thinking she probably looked as dazed as Karin, she said, “You’re not?”
He lifted his broad shoulders in one of those effortless, masculine shrugs that only a guy could pull off. “Naw. I figure the jackass must have acted like an asshole, so he’s getting what he deserves.”
Her eyes narrowed on the grinning jerk. “That’s not very brotherly.”
He gave her a knowing look. “Are you saying I’m wrong?”
She sucked in a sharp breath, suddenly understanding exactly what he was doing. Sneaky bastard.
Apparently finished giving her a hard time, since it was clear he knew damn well that she’d been a bitch to his brother, he turned his attention to Karin. The poor woman was staring up at him like she couldn’t decide between licking the tattoo on the side of his corded neck…or hiding under the table, and Natalie almost winced in sympathy.
Of course, it didn’t help that Paul wasn’t saying anything to her. He just stood there, freaking eating Karin up with those intense blue eyes, looking as if he’d been stunned by what he found when he finally shifted his attention to the woman sitting at the table.
And in Nat’s opinion, he looked a hell of a lot like he’d suddenly decided he’d much rather have Chris’s cousin for dinner, than anything they were serving on the menu that night.
A few more heated seconds passed by, and then he finally held out his hand, the interest in his deep voice impossible to miss. “Hi. I’m Paul Cartwright.”
“I’m, um, Karin,” she murmured, her beautiful face flushed with color as she put her hand in his.
It was obvious that Karin was more than a little skittish about having a gorgeous stud of a detective flirting with her, but she was also clearly as affected by Paul as he was by her. The freaking heat between the two of them was so intense, Natalie damn near felt the need to fan herself.
She didn’t know a lot about Karin, except that she worked at home, was completely devoted to her son, and had been through an extremely ugly divorce a few years ago. She was also tall, and beautiful in a really natural kind of way, with thick, glossy brown hair and big brown eyes that were lined by some of the longest, thickest lashes that Natalie had ever seen. And even though she was in her early thirties, she looked like she could easily be in her twenties.
“Are you meeting anyone?” Paul asked her, still holding her hand.
Karin’s eyes went wide. “What?”
This time, he took a more direct approach. “Are you here on a date?”
“Um…no,” she murmured, quickly pulling her hand back from his, then nervously tucking her hair behind her ear. “I was just having a late lunch with a fundraising group, but it’s over now.”
“Want to grab something to drink with me?”
Karin caught her lower lip in her teeth, the color in her cheeks deepening until she looked like she’d been burned by the sun.
As if he sensed exactly how conflicted she was, Paul flashed her an easy smile. “Just a drink, I promise. I won’t even ask you to have dinner with me.”
“That’s…nice. Really, thank you,” Karin rambled, looking as flustered as she sounded, with her pink cheeks and her bright eyes. “But I have to pick up my son.”
Natalie watched as Paul cast a swift glance at Karin’s slender hand, obviously checking to see if she was wearing a wedding ring. Then he locked that dark blue gaze back on Karin’s startled brown one. “What’s your son’s name?”
“Jase. He’s…seven.”
Suddenly clueing in that these two really didn’t need her standing there gawking at them, Natalie took a step back, saying, “I hate to run, but I…” Her voice trailed off into an awkward silence when both Paul and Karin shot her amused looks.
Great, just great. Did everyone know she’d run like a freaking coward? Forcing a tight smile onto her lips, she added, “But I need to get back to work. Paul, it was nice to meet you. Karin, I’m sure I’ll see you at Chris and Sophie’s.”
“Chris Riley?” Paul asked, looking surprised.
Natalie nodded her head toward Karin. “He’s her cousin, and her neighbor,” she explained, before giving them both a lame wave and getting the hell out of there. Being close to Paul, who reminded her so much of Sean, was more than she could take, and she knew it was time to head back home, where she could lick her wounds in the privacy of her little apartment.
She barely remembered the drive through rush hour traffic, or if she passed by any of her neighbors as she made her way to her front door. And once inside, she just curled up on her couch, clutching one of the throw pillows to her chest, and squeezed her eyes shut. The pain of loss and regret was so intense she felt raw, like a nerve that kept getting plucked at, over and over. She felt so much of both that she was sick with it—and yet, she was so fucking afraid to let go of her fear. To just let go and do something that would make a difference.
An hour went by, and then another, the shadows on the wall shifting, as the world moved on outside her pathetic cocoon.
And then, as if he could sense just how desperately she missed him, and needed him, and regretted leaving him, he sent her a text.
Sean: I wanted to do this sooner, but didn’t trust what I might say. Can we talk? Just talk. I’m not going to push for anything. You have my word. ~S
The message made her break down and cry like a baby, which wasn’t far off from how she’d spent the majority of the week. Only this time, she couldn’t stop. The tears just kept coming, burning in her throat and eyes, until her nose was run
ning and her eyelids were puffy. And even then, she just kept bawling, until she slowly came to realize that the pounding in her head wasn’t a headache, but was actually someone knocking on her front door.
For a wild, terrifying, painfully wonderful moment, she thought it might be Sean. But a quick peek through the peephole showed her beautiful mother waiting on her doorstep.
“Mom, is everything okay?” she asked, wiping at the tears on her cheeks as she pulled the door open.
Her mom took one look at her, and quickly pulled her into her arms. “Natalie, you’ve been crying. What’s wrong?”
“Everything,” she sniffled, taking comfort in her mother’s soft embrace, before worry had her taking a step back. “But why are you here? Are you okay? We didn’t have plans tonight, did we?”
“I’m fine,” her mom replied, shutting the door, and then putting her arm around Natalie’s shoulders as she led her over to the couch. “Can’t a mother just drop by to check in on her baby girl?”
“Yes, but I’m not a b-baby,” she blubbered, which only made her flush with embarrassment, since that’s exactly how she was acting, as she sank into the cushions. Pulling her feet up, she wrapped her arms around her knees and turned her head to the side, watching her mother give her a concerned look as she sat down beside her.
“Natalie, talk to me. What’s happened?”
“I’m a mess,” she said miserably, her breath hitching in her throat as she thought about Sean’s text. “And now…now I don’t know what to do.”
Tucking one leg underneath her, her mom asked, “Will you start at the beginning?”
Resting the side of her face on her knees, she sniffed back a fresh wave of tears. “There’s this guy. This…this man. He lives across from Sophie and Chris, and he’s…” Her breath got all stuck in her throat, and she had to shake her head a little before she could continue. “God, he’s so amazing. Gorgeous, smart, funny.”
Keeping His Promise: A When It Happens Novella, Book 2 Page 12
