by Connie Mason
If you only knew, Dawn mused silently. “I’m fine, really. I could not join with Stands Alone … not now.”
Before Sun In The Face could question her, the signal was given to move out. Dawn had no idea what this journey held for her, or what she’d find at the end. Only time would tell.
Chapter Thirteen
The first days of the journey north to the Little Big Horn were tedious and uneventful. Dawn joined the women and children, who trudged along on foot. The men hunted game to supplement their diet of pemmican and other dried food that had been prepared in advance of their journey. The weather remained unsettled and capricious. One day dawned cold and dry and the next warm and wet with the promise of spring. They band of travelers awoke to frost and newly fallen snow on more than one occasion.
They reached the Powder River four weeks after they had left the Red Cloud Agency. Because the horses were weary, Running Elk called a two-day halt, and they raised their tipis on the bank of the river. Dawn was so travel-weary she was incapable of moving. She stared at the dismantled tipi and wondered how she was going to manage. Knowing that Spring Rain and Sun In The Face were as tired as she, she didn’t have the heart to ask for help.
Shadow Walker appeared at her side, his voice rough with concern. “Are you all right?”
“I’m tired, but so is everyone else.”
“They’re used to this, you’re not. I’ll help you.”
“I thought you’d gone hunting with the men.”
“I changed my mind.” What he didn’t say was that he was worried about Dawn. Her complexion was pasty and she appeared weary unto death. The march had been difficult for her, and they still had a long way to go.
“This is woman’s work,” Dawn said as Shadow Walker set the lodge poles into place.
“I choose to make it my work today. You’re tired. I’ll build a fire as soon as the tipi is erected. Rest while you can; the remainder of the journey won’t get any easier.”
“I didn’t realize Indians led such hard lives. Women in particular.”
“You’re not cut out for this kind of life. I should have realized that before I brought you here. Do you intend to remain with Running Elk after I leave?”
“Perhaps.”
“Are you still thinking of marrying one of your suitors?”
“Perhaps.”
“Dammit, Dawn, you’re the most aggravating female I’ve ever known! Don’t you realizing marrying me would have solved all your problems?”
“Marrying you would present more problems than I could handle.”
“Do you want to explain that statement?”
Beneath her robe, Dawn touched her stomach. The slight bulge still wasn’t large enough to give away her condition, but she knew her babe rested beneath her heart and was comforted. Shadow Walker must not know. If he did he would insist on marrying her even though he didn’t want a wife. “You don’t want a wife, and I want all or nothing from a husband. Thank you for your help. I couldn’t have put up my lodge on my own.”
He stepped inside, holding the flap open for Dawn to follow. “I’ll build a fire. You’ll be cozy and warm in no time. I’ll see that food is brought to you so you won’t have to trouble yourself.”
She watched him leave to gather firewood, thinking his body had grown harder and more honed, his features sharper during these months spent with the People. While he was gone she spread out her mat and sat down, pulling the blanket around her shoulders. She felt suddenly drained. A nagging pain in the middle of her back had bothered her off and on during the day, and she stretched, trying to ease the pressure.
Shadow Walker ducked through the entrance, carrying a load of wood. “This should be enough to last until we resume our march.” In no time he had a cheery fire going, then he directed his gaze at Dawn, frowning when he noted her pinched features. “Are you sure you’re all right?”
“Very sure. I think I’ll take a short nap.”
Shadow Walker was truly concerned. He decided to speak to Spring Rain after he left Dawn and have her look in on Dawn later. He blamed himself for placing Dawn in a situation for which she was ill-prepared. If she wasn’t so damn stubborn, they both could have been on their way to Oregon now.
Dawn fell asleep almost immediately. She felt warm for the first time in days. If not for vague pains in her back and low in her stomach, she would have slept into the night without awakening. She awoke with a start as a sharp pain shot across her stomach. A moan slipped past her lips, and her hands flew to her middle. She was deathly afraid that something was amiss with her baby. Five minutes later another pain struck, more powerful than the first.
Dawn was moaning and writhing on her pallet when Spring Rain called out a greeting and entered with Dawn’s supper. She saw Dawn clutching her stomach and flew to her side.
“What is it, Dawn? Are you in pain?”
“My baby! I think I’m losing my baby,” Dawn cried between pains.
For a moment Spring Rain was too stunned to speak. She had had no idea that Dawn was expecting a child and knew that no one but Shadow Walker could be the father. “I will summon the midwife.”
“Hurry, please hurry.”
It seemed like hours before Spring Rain returned with the midwife, but in truth only a few minutes had passed. But Dawn knew it was already too late to save her child. She had felt a warm gush between her legs and smelled the metallic odor of blood. The tiny, fragile life inside her had been expelled from her body.
The midwife pursed her lips and wagged her head from side to side when she examined Dawn. “It is too late.” She called for water, and Spring Rain hurried to do her bidding. She returned a few minutes later with Shadow Walker.
Shadow Walker dropped to his knees and smoothed the hair away from Dawn’s pale face. “Why didn’t you tell me? Did you think I would be angry?”
“I didn’t want you to feel obligated.”
“Is that why you called off your joining with Stands Alone?”
“Go away, I don’t want you to see me like this.”
Shadow Walker stood abruptly. The least he could do was honor her wish … for now. “I’ll be back later.” He ducked outside and stood there shaking. He would have given his life to prevent this from happening.
Dawn began to cry softly. She had wanted Shadow Walker’s baby, had looked forward to holding his child in her arms. All she felt now was painful emptiness. She had lost both Shadow Walker and his baby.
Spring Rain tried to comfort her while the midwife worked over her. When the water was heated, Spring Rain bathed her and tucked her between clean blankets. “Sleep,” she said, “it is the best medicine. I will return later.”
Dawn was alone. She didn’t feel like sleeping. She felt lonely and bereft. Had her child lived, she would have had one human in this world who would love her unconditionally. Tears dampened her cheeks. She knew she would never have another child. Shadow Walker didn’t want her, and she’d have no other man. She was sobbing quietly when she suddenly realized she wasn’t alone. Assuming that Spring Rain had returned, she said, “There really is no reason to sit with me, Spring Rain. There is nothing anyone can do now.”
“You shouldn’t be alone.” The voice was not that of Spring Rain.
“Shadow Walker!” She turned her face away. “Are you here to rebuke me for not telling you about the baby?”
“No. I feel your loss as keenly as you. Had you seen fit to tell me, I would have tried to make the march easier for you.” He crouched down beside her. “Try to sleep. It is likely we will remain here a day or two longer than Running Elk planned. Sun In The Face went into labor tonight. Her child will be born before morning.”
“Will she be all right?” Dawn asked anxiously. Her own painful loss was still fresh in her mind.
“Spring Rain says all is as it should be.” He slipped off his moccasins, leggings and shirt and slid under the blanket beside her.
“What are you doing?” Dawn cried.
“I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to lie beside you and keep you warm.” He wanted to tell her that it was his child she’d lost, that he grieved along with her, that many women died from childbed fever and he wasn’t going to let it happen to Dawn, but he said none of those things. “Relax, sweetheart. I’m here if you need anything.”
Dawn tried not to attach hidden meaning to Shadow Walker’s words. She knew he was a kind man. But she couldn’t help feeling that she had disappointed him.
“I’m sorry about the baby. I didn’t want this to happen. I wanted your child.”
“We’ll talk about this later, when you’ve recovered from your ordeal.”
Was that a catch in his voice she heard? Dawn wondered as she drifted off to sleep.
Shadow Walker’s anger was tempered by his relief. Had he known that Dawn was pregnant, he could have watched over her. But she had deliberately lied to him, and that made him angry. Yet his relief that she was all right made his anger seem insignificant. He gathered her fragile body in his arms and held her close.
They resumed the march to the Little Big Horn three days later. Dawn was still weak, and Shadow Walker refused to let her walk with the others. He placed her on a travois behind his horse and tucked a blanket around her. Despite the care she received, she did indeed develop a fever, which drained her of what little strength she had left.
Sun In The Face had delivered a healthy baby boy and by the time the march resumed, she was ready to trudge along with the other women, carrying the newborn babe in a cradleboard. Dawn envied the sturdy Indian woman, and when she mentioned her own lack of stamina to Shadow Walker, he told her she had been frail to begin with, whereas Sun In The Face hadn’t had to suffer through years of beatings and deprivation.
After a week, Dawn’s fever abated and she felt strong enough to join the other women, but Shadow Walker only allowed her to walk for short periods each day. The rest of the time she rode Wally. Shadow Walker insisted that her meager weight would place no extra stress on the sturdy horse, who already pulled a heavy travois.
Three weeks passed and Shadow Walker made no effort to leave Dawn’s tipi. When he slid beside her each night and held her in his arms, she felt happy and content. As the days sped by, Dawn knew it would soon be time for Shadow Walker to leave, and she wondered how she would bear it. Just thinking about life without him made her exceedingly sad. One night she confronted Shadow Walker about his sharing her bed.
“Why are you still here? I am well now, I don’t need your help or your pity.”
“I’m the cause of your illness. Caring for you is my way of making amends. Once we reach the Little Big Horn we will be joined according to Indian rites.”
Dawn’s chin tilted stubbornly. “I won’t marry you.” She paused, daring to ask a question she knew was far too bold. “Do you love me?”
A subtle turbulence moved across his features, was visible in the depths of his eyes. “Love? Love comes but once in a lifetime. I care for you. Isn’t that enough? I will see that your needs are met.”
“It isn’t enough, Shadow Walker.” Dawn’s distrust of men was so deeply ingrained she feared that Shadow Walker would abandon her after he tired of her. She was astute enough to realize that only love would bind Shadow Walker to her, and since his heart rejected love, she couldn’t trust him to keep his word. Besides, an Indian marriage would not be legal in White society. Once he grew tired of her, he would surely leave her.
Shadow Walker’s temper exploded. “Dammit, Dawn! Stands Alone can’t have you. You belong to me! You carried my child. I was your first man and I’m damn well going to be the last.”
He roughly turned her to face him. The fire inside the tipi had burned to embers, but she could still see his face. His expression was fiercely possessive. His intent gaze probed deeply into her very soul. She lowered her eyes lest he discover the love she guarded so fiercely. She had to be strong, she told herself. Shadow Walker’s lust for her was frightening. His possessiveness was overwhelming and irrational. His sole reason for marrying her was to keep another man from having her.
“I don’t belong to you! I don’t want to belong to any man ever again. I learned my lesson the hard way. Billy taught me that possessiveness can be cruel and hurtful.”
He gave her a little shake. “I’m not a cruel man. You have nothing to fear from me. I know you enjoy our lovemaking. We have that in common.”
To prove his point, he brought her against him and kissed her. Kissed her until her head spun and she grew dizzy. Unlike Indian women, she could not bring herself to sleep naked so she usually donned one of her shifts before going to bed. Shadow Walker’s hands slid under the hem of the flimsy garment, slowly lifting it as he lightly skimmed her legs and hips with his palms. Her shift was whisked up and off before she could utter a protest.
“What are you doing?”
“I want to make love to you. Are you healed enough to take a man inside you?”
A miscarriage so early in pregnancy wasn’t like giving birth to a full-term child. She had healed a long time ago. But making love now might result in another pregnancy. Shadow Walker admitted he didn’t love her; she should put a stop to this now. Unfortunately she wanted him. A woman in love wasn’t always rational.
“I am healed enough to take a man, but I fear another pregnancy.”
Shadow Walker searched her face. She had said she’d wanted his child. Had she been lying? “I know what to do to prevent conception. Your body isn’t strong enough yet to carry another child. Relax; if I hurt you, let me know.”
His mouth came down on hers. His kiss was tender, yet fraught with a ravening hunger that startled Dawn. If he’d been bedding Laughing Brook all these months, he shouldn’t be this eager. His need was so urgent his body was shaking from it.
A low moan escaped Shadow Walker’s throat. It seemed like forever since he’d loved Dawn. He’d pretended to court Laughing Brook merely to make Dawn jealous. When Dawn had called off her joining with Stands Alone, he’d been jubilant, thinking his ploy had worked. He wondered why he couldn’t utter the words that Dawn wanted to hear. He should have accepted Morning Mist’s death by now and moved on with his life. Why did loving another woman make him feel as if he were betraying Morning Mist’s memory?
Dawn’s body grew flushed beneath Shadow Walker’s hands and mouth. Her breasts swelled and her nipples pebbled into tight buds as he licked and sucked them. His fingers stroked and teased, working their magic from below. Parting the swollen petals of her sex, he found the sweet entrance and probed deeply. Dawn moaned, arching into the pressure of his searching fingers. She gritted her teeth, teetering on the brink of climax, but it was too soon. She wanted to give Shadow Walker the same kind of pleasure he was giving her. When he made as if to raise himself above her, she pushed him down and slid her body on top of him. He looked at her askance.
“I want to know your body in the same way you know mine.”
She lowered her mouth to his flat male nipples, mimicking the way he licked and sucked hers. Her mouth moved lower, across the rigid muscles of his belly, lower still. His breath caught in his throat.
The crisp thatch of hair tickled her nose as her mouth slid past his groin to more enticing territory.
“Oh God!” Bolstered by his hoarse cry, she closed her hand over his erection. Starting at the base, she ran her tongue over its entire length, ending at the engorged tip, where a tiny drop of liquid hung like a precious pearl. She touched it with her tongue, and Shadow Walker bucked violently.
“Stop! You’re killing me.” He dragged her up the length of his body until she straddled his hips. “Ride me, love. Take me inside you and ride me.”
Grasping his sex, Dawn raised her hips up and slowly lowered herself, taking all of him inside her. She gasped, not in pain, but from the sheer rapture of being penetrated so deeply.
Shadow Walker went still, thinking he had hurt her. “Should I stop?”
“No! Don’t stop. It feels … wo
nderful.”
“You’re so tight and hot. I could stay inside you forever.”
He began to move. Slowly at first, grasping her hips and bringing her down to meet his upward thrust. Then the wildness seized him. He raised his head and sucked a nipple into his mouth as he thrust violently into her soft center. The pull on her nipple and the friction below drove her into a frenzy.
Shadow Walker didn’t know how much longer he could hold on. His body was drawn as taut as a bowstring. He was so close to the edge, a tiny nudge would send him hurtling into oblivion. “Come to me, love. Come …”
Dawn needed no prodding. Her body was his to do with as he pleased. She felt the vibrations begin from somewhere deep inside her, radiating to every part of her body. She matched him thrust for thrust, throwing her head back and crying out her pleasure. She exploded violently, overcome by raw sensations so intense they defied definition. Shadow Walker continued thrusting until the last tremor left her body, then he gave a hoarse shout and lifted her off him, spewing his seed onto the ground.
“That was … incredible,” he gasped as he struggled for breath. Of course, it would have been even more incredible had he spent himself inside her. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
“No, you didn’t hurt me.” She nestled against him, already half asleep.
Dawn awakened a short time later to a clamoring inside her body. Her skin burned and her nerve endings tingled with awareness. Soft lips covered hers in a gentle kiss.
Shadow Walker.
She smiled and kissed him back, bringing her arms around his neck.
“I want you again,” he whispered against her lips. “I can’t seem to get enough of you.”
“Didn’t Laughing Brook satisfy you?”
“I haven’t had another woman since meeting you. Lord knows I tried to make myself desire Laughing Brook, but my body refused to obey. A blue-eyed waif with magnificent breasts kept interfering.”
