by Mia Ford
Rebecca was right, I thought. Who would have possibly known that I just needed sex to feel confident for the first time?
“Mol? Is that you?”
“Yeah,” I called back. “I just got home.”
Rebecca came into the living room with her hands on her hips. “You were gone for a long time,” she said.
“Yeah.” I flushed, feeling guilty. “I was with Alex.”
Rebecca rolled her eyes. “I know,” she said. “I gave you his number, remember?”
I nodded. “Sorry,” I said. I swallowed. The tension between us was as thick as my thighs. “I don’t want this to be awkward for you.”
“Because you’re sleeping with my brother?” Rebecca shrugged. “It’s fine.”
That stung a little bit. “It was your idea in the first place,” I said, still determined not to let Rebecca know how long I’d lusted over Alex.
“Well, yeah, but I didn’t think you’d hook up more than once,” Rebecca said sourly.
I didn’t reply. Biting my lip, I looked down at the ground.
“I’m going to take a shower, and then go to campus for a while,” I said. “I have a lot of work to catch up on.”
Rebecca nodded. “Okay. Will you be home for dinner?”
“Yeah, what are you making?”
“Do tacos sound good?”
“Yeah,” I said. My stomach rumbled. I was still full from the ice cream, but something about eating massive amounts of sugar at once always made me hungrier than usual.
Rebecca looked relaxed for the first time since I’d gotten home. “Okay,” she said. “Oh, and could you check my mailbox? I’m expecting something for a class, some dumb book for a group project.”
“Yeah, no problem,” I said. “Anything else?”
Rebecca shook her head. As soon as she was back in the kitchen, a smile spread across my face. I gave my first blowjob, I thought, closing my eyes and remembering how it felt to have Alex’s cock and balls in my mouth. It hadn’t been all fun – my jaw had ached like heck after the first few minutes – but having a sense of power over Alex, holding him in the palm of my hand…that had made everything worth it. I’d never understood before why some women enjoyed giving blowjobs so much, but I was really starting to get it.
And the way he’d fingered my butt! I couldn’t even think of it without blushing, but it hadn’t been gross or weird at all. It had been amazing and sexy, and more than a little risqué.
Locking myself in the bathroom, I smirked at my reflection. I didn’t look great – I’d gotten a little pink from the sun and my hair was still a sweaty mess, but I did feel different. You’re a real woman now, I thought, mugging at my reflection. And real women know just how to enjoy themselves in bed.
I stayed under the spray of water for so long that it turned tepid and cool. Getting out, I towel-dried my hair, then changed into a fresh pair of jeans and a flowy top that I liked to wear when it was unbearably hot outside. Putting my hair in a bun, I packed my things into a backpack and went to wait for the bus.
I frowned, remembering the girl from outside Alex’s apartment. Who was she, and why had she laughed like that? I wanted to believe Alex that he was with me because he wanted to be…but what if this was all some kind of joke? What if Alex was only sleeping with me because he wanted to laugh behind my back?
I shuddered. I didn’t want to think that was the case, especially now that I’d really started to develop serious feelings for him. And what was I supposed to make of that? What was I supposed to do when I couldn’t hold it in anymore?
By the time I got to campus, I was a complete mess. I checked Rebecca’s mailbox for her – sure enough, there were a few books bound together with a rubber band. As I was moving to tuck them inside my purse, I stumbled and dropped the books on the floor.
I frowned as I bent over. Two of the books were library-science related, but the book tucked in the middle looked like a psychology book for young adults.
“What If I’m Not Like Everyone Else?” The title read. Underneath it was a small rainbow flag. Just as I was about to crack it open out of sheer curiosity, someone tapped me on the shoulder. I screamed and dropped the books to the floor.
“Oh my god, Molly, calm down!”
Turning around, I put my hand over my heart and sighed. “Dan! You can’t sneak up on me like that,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m so jumpy!”
“Clearly,” Dan said. He gave me a friendly smirk. “What’s going on? What’re those?”
“I don’t know,” I said, frowning as I stooped to the ground and grabbed the books, shoving them inside my bag before Dan could see the ‘different’ book with the rainbow on the cover. “They’re my roommates, she asked me to check her mailbox. Some stuff she needs for a project.”
“Ah,” Dan said. He nodded. “So, how are you?” He raised an eyebrow. “And how are things going with her brother?”
I flushed. “I don’t know.”
Dan smirked. “Come on,” he said. “I’m here studying for midterms, but I could use a break. Feel like taking a walk?”
I wrinkled my nose. “It’s so hot outside,” I said. “Do we have to?”
Dan laughed. “Okay, or we could get iced tea from the snack stand in the campus union. Feel like that instead?”
I nodded. “That sounds great, I didn’t even realize it until now but I’m so incredibly thirsty.”
I followed Dan across campus and into the student union. Being a weekend, it was pretty empty. Some undergrads were lounging around, watching stuff on their laptops or snacking on chips right from the bag. My stomach rumbled. I can’t eat now, I have to go home for dinner or Rebecca will be pissed. But something inside of me was irritated with Rebecca – maybe we’d just gotten a little too close for comfort. I knew it wasn’t entirely normal for platonic best friends to be as close as we were…back when we’d been undergrads ourselves, everyone had joked that we were “same sex life partners.”
“So,” Dan said after we settled into a booth. “What’s going on?”
“I wish I had any idea,” I said moodily, slurping my Coke. “We’ve…started seeing each other.”
Dan raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Tell me about that,” he said, leaning over the table and batting his eyelashes. I burst out laughing at his girlish manner – now that I’d spent a little more time with Dan, I was so embarrassed to think that I’d ever thought he was straight.
I shrugged. “It’s…casual.”
“So you’re having sex,” Dan said bluntly. He smirked as he took a long sip of his iced tea. “That’s fine. I do that all the time,” he said. “Although I haven’t done it as much as I should lately. This program is kicking my ass.”
I frowned. “I really should be spending more time on work,” I said. “I know this program is only a year, but it feels like we’ve been doing it forever.”
Dan laughed. “I know,” he said. He glanced over at the undergrads. “Lazy little fucks,” he said. “They act like they have it so hard. I’d kill to be back in undergrad.”
“I wouldn’t,” I said, rolling my eyes. As unhappy as I was with myself now, it had been worse in undergrad. Rebecca and I had been friends with a small group of people who were just like us – bookish, boring, and naïve. A hot night for us had been staying in watching a Jane Austen movie and eating gallons of popcorn. I’d never even had a drink until my twenty-first birthday, and unlike Rebecca, I’d never gone to a party. I’d always been too afraid of people making fun of my weight, and despite multiple attempts to diet, nothing had ever worked.
“Well, I had a lot more sex then,” Dan said. He smirked again and I flushed. “Although some of it, unfortunately, was with women.”
I burst out laughing. “I bet that was very difficult for you,” I said, raising an eyebrow.
Dan laughed. “Molly! Did you just make a joke? I’m scandalized,” he said.
We laughed together. It felt nice to make a friend other than Rebecca – it had been so lon
g, I’d almost forgotten what the sensation was like.
“I guess so,” I said, still laughing. “Maybe I’m loosening up.”
Dan snickered. “Or at least some part of you is,” he said, glancing down at my lap.
I blushed hotly. “Oh my god, Dan!”
Dan laughed. “That’s the second time I’ve gotten that out of you,” he said. “You’re too fun, Molly.”
I smiled. “Glad you’re amused.”
“So this guy…what’s going on? Give me good tea,” Dan said. “I’m so bored of studying that it’s actually killing me.”
I cocked my head to the side. “Tea?”
“Gossip,” Dan said. “Like you know, put tea on, I’ve got stories?”
I laughed. “God, I feel out of the loop. And the guy…I don’t know. I’m so confused. He took me on a real date after last time, though. I mean, I asked him to. But he still did it.”
“Ooh, fancy dinner? Twilight bay cruise?”
“Ice cream.”
“That works, too,” Dan said. “So you think he likes you as more than a friend with benefits?”
I shrugged. “I’m afraid to think about that,” I said, biting my lip. “He’s never…well, he’s never been with anyone like me before, at least, as far as I know. All of the girls hanging around look like supermodels.”
“So you’re self conscious?”
I told Dan what had happened outside of Alex’s apartment complex and he laughed.
“Oh, that doesn’t sound too bad,” he said. “She probably tried to ask him out and he said no and she’s irrationally offended. Don’t be upset, she probably would’ve done the same thing even if you looked exactly like her. Girls like that are used to getting what they want.”
“I hate girls like that,” I muttered. “They make me so mad. They’re so entitled.”
Dan shrugged. “They’re shallow, yeah,” he said. “But they’re probably just as insecure as you.”
I snorted loudly. “I don’t believe it for a second,” I said. “There’s no way anyone could be just as insecure as I am.”
Dan pulled out his phone and showed me a picture of a heartbreakingly pretty girl. She was pale with long dark hair that fell over her shoulders, a perfectly skinny frame, and cool clothes.
“That girl cried herself to sleep every night and starved herself for years because Mom called her fat,” Dan said gravely. “That’s my sister, Eleanor.”
“She’s beautiful,” I said.
Dan nodded. “Yep. She is. But she doesn’t think so.”
I frowned. Maybe Dan was right – maybe I did have a warped understanding of what it felt like to be normal. Still, the image of the blonde girl outside of Alex’s door doubled over with laughter made me feel like crawling under a rock and not coming out for years.
Dan and I chatted for another hour before I realized it was getting to be dinner time. We parted with a hug and I waited for the shuttle bus, sweating in the late afternoon heat. By the time I got home, Rebecca had the table set.
“I got your books,” I said, taking them from my bag and putting them on the table. “Sorry I’m late.”
Rebecca blushed. “They weren’t in an envelope?”
I shrugged. “Nope. Just had a rubber band around them.”
“Ugh,” Rebecca said. “I’ve told my professor that the people who work in the mailroom are such thieves, but I guess he didn’t care about getting his books stolen.” She stood up and quickly swept the books from the table and into her arms, blushing as she strode out of the room.
When she came back, she looked a little calmer. “Sorry,” Rebecca said. “I’m just hungry.”
“Well, I’m here now. We can eat.”
Rebecca set out the tortillas, ground beer, shredded cheese, sour cream, and lettuce. I loaded my plate and settled into my chair with a beer.
“This looks good,” I said appreciatively. “Thanks for putting all of this together.”
Rebecca nodded. “You’re welcome,” she said. “It’s been days since we ate together.”
“Yeah,” I said. Before I took a bite, I glanced up. “Hey, Rebecca?”
“Yeah?”
“Has Alex ever…has he ever had a girlfriend?”
“Not that I can recall,” Rebecca said. She narrowed her eyes. “You know him – he’s Mr. User. He only likes to sleep with girls. The only people I think he actually enjoys spending time with are the other firemen.”
“Oh.” I hadn’t exactly been expecting to hear different news, but I couldn’t lie – Rebecca’s unsettling words had put a knot in my stomach. I took a taco in my hands and took a bite, but the food tasted like ash in my mouth.
“Why? You want to be his girlfriend?” Rebecca laughed before I could reply. “Don’t get too hopeful, Molly. He’s not that kind of guy.” She shook her head.
“I don’t know what I want,” I said. I bit my lip and frowned. I didn’t like the direction this conversation was veering in, but I felt powerless to stop it.
“Well, if you’re thinking that he’s going to actually date you, you have to get that idea out of your head.” Rebecca stabbed at a pile of refried beans on her plate with such force that the table shook.
I frowned. “I’m sorry, did I make you angry with me? Did I say something?”
Rebecca sighed. She propped her elbow up on the table and rested her chin, looking moody and peevish.
“I don’t know, Molly,” Rebecca said. “Maybe I’m just having PMS or something.”
“Well, if I made you mad, I’d like to know,” I said slowly. I sniffed. “You know I’m not great at reading people.”
Rebecca shrugged. “I don’t really want to talk about this anymore. How was the rest of your day?”
I looked at her. “Rebecca, we talk about everything,” I said. “We’re best friends. That’s what best friends do.”
Rebecca nodded. “I know. I’m sorry. I just…I really don’t want to hurt your feelings, Molly. I know you’re having fun right now and I don’t want to rain on your parade.”
“Well, just say it,” I said crossly. “Because now you’re making me paranoid. Did Alex say something about me? To you? Or did you hear something?”
“Molly, you really need to dial back this…obsession, or crush, or whatever it is that you’ve suddenly developed on my emotionally unavailable brother,” Rebecca said. “I mean, yeah, I’m glad you’re getting out and feeling more confident.”
“If you knew this was going to be a problem, why the hell did you suggest it in the first place?” I asked angrily. “It’s not my fault if he likes hooking up with me!”
“You’re going to get your heart broken,” Rebecca said. She sniffed and tossed her pale hair over one shoulder. “And honestly, I don’t know if I feel up to the job of keeping you in one piece when that happens.”
“You don’t know what’s going to happen,” I said. “You hate your brother! You’ve told me yourself, like a thousand times.”
“I do,” Rebecca said. “And for good reason. Molly, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I just really don’t like this. I don’t like that you’re mooning over him all the time, and spending so much time with him.”
“We’ve hooked up twice,” I said. “And went out for ice cream once. That hardly counts as ‘so much time’!”
Rebecca sighed. “Look, I told you, I really don’t feel like talking about this anymore,” she said. “How was your trip to campus?”
I rolled my eyes and stood up, grabbing my plate. “You know, I think I feel like having dinner in my room tonight,” I said. “Unless you’re going to get mad about that, too.”
Rebecca gave me a wounded, angry look. “I can’t believe you,” she said. “I’ve supported you forever! And now you’re suddenly getting all bitchy and entitled with me because I’m trying to be honest with you?”
I narrowed my eyes. “You’re one to talk,” I snapped, whirling on my heel and stomping down the hall to my room. I knew I was acting li
ke a child, but I couldn’t believe Rebecca! She was acting like she knew everything in the world – when had that started? And what was her problem? Why did she care so much about who I was sleeping with?
“Don’t walk away from me!” Rebecca yelled. “We’re not finished yet!”
“You said you didn’t even want to talk about it anymore!” I snapped loudly before slamming my door.
Behind the door, I heard Rebecca’s muffled response. But I didn’t care.
