Drackie gulped. ‘It can’t be that dangerous on the mainland!’
‘If Auntie Chook can do it, we can too,’ said Cousin Snot. ‘Anyway,’ she added, pulling her black velvet cloak closer around her, ‘How will anyone guess that we’re vampires.’ She grinned at him.
Cousin Snot had a nice smile, Drackie thought. He liked the way her fangs glinted in the moonlight. ‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘No one will ever know we’re vampires at all!’
It was just plain night without a storm or even a little flash of lightning, as Drackie stood in the middle of the crowds by the pier and stared. He’d never seen so many people! Or vampires either!
People on the mainland were weird, thought Drackie. They wore all sorts of colours, as if they were birds! Instead of plain black velvet with a bit of red! And not one of them even wore a cloak!
And their hair! Red hair, blond hair…
And they were staring at him too!
‘What are they looking at?’ he whispered to Cousin Snot. ‘They’re the weird-looking ones!’
Cousin Snot nodded. ‘Their mouths look so empty without fangs!’
‘The air’s empty too!’ complained Drackie. ‘There aren’t any bats anywhere! How do people get from place to place if they can’t turn into bats and fly?’
‘Remember, we read about that in school,’ said Cousin Snot. ‘They ride on cars instead. You know, like horses but with wheels. I think those are cars over there,’ she added.
‘You kids OK?’
Drackie gazed at the woman in front of him. She was the strangest person he’d ever seen! She was wearing dark blue pants—instead of a black velvet dress! The badge on her shoulder said POLICE.
‘We’re fine!’ said Cousin Snot brightly.
‘On your way to a fancy dress party?’
Drackie blinked. What was a fancy dress party? Vampires only ever had one sort of dress—or, rather, evening clothes if they were boys. ‘Um, we’re trying to find an Auntie Chook,’ he said. ‘Do you know her?’
‘What’s her address?’
Cousin Snot held out the tatty envelope. The policewoman looked at it. ‘Not far from here,’ she said ‘How about I put you kids into a taxi. You got any money?’
At last! thought Drackie, a word he understood. ‘Yes, we have money,’ he said. ‘But not $100,000,’ he added.
The policewoman smiled. ‘Shouldn’t be that much,’ she said. She waved her hand and suddenly one of the cars screeched to a halt next to them.
‘Off you go, kids,’ said the policewoman. ‘You’ll be there in five minutes.’
‘Thanks,’ said Drackie. He waited politely for Cousin Snot to climb onto the car first.
‘Hey, what are you doing!’ yelled the taxi driver.
‘Just trying to climb onto your car,’ said Cousin Snot. ‘But it’s all slippery.’
‘Stop playing about!’ said the policewoman. ‘In you go!’
‘Inside? Hey, just like a coffin!’ said Cousin Snot.
‘Are you calling my car a coffin?’ demanded the taxi driver.
‘Yes…um…no,’ said Drackie. What was the driver getting all upset about? ‘It’s bigger than a coffin,’ he offered. ‘But just as nice.’
‘Smart alec kids,’ muttered the driver.
Drackie followed Cousin Snot into the taxi. The policewoman shut the door behind them. ‘Just give me a call if they’re any trouble,’ she said to the driver.
‘Oh, we won’t be any trouble,’ said Drackie. ‘We never vampirise anyone these days!’
CHAPTER 7
Auntie Chook
It still wasn’t a dark and stormy night as they arrived at the address on the envelope. Just one moon floated over the city. The sky was clear but the bright city lights made it hard to see the stars. It looked better that way, decided Drackie. All those stars had made the night sky look as if it had zits.
Drackie and Cousin Snot stood on the footpath as the taxi drove away. The castles on the mainland were tiny, thought Drackie. How did people manage to live without ballrooms and turrets?
Maybe they all had giant cellars, he decided, big enough to keep their coffins in and have parties for hundreds of people.
He gulped. ‘This is the address,’ he said.
‘Yes.’ Cousin Snot didn’t sound too happy either. ‘Auntie Chook can’t be too bad.’ Cousin Snot sounded as if she was reassuring herself as much as Drackie. ‘After all, she is a vampire! It’ll…’ she gulped. ‘It’ll be easy! We’ll just tell her we know she did it and demand that she gives us back Fang.’
‘What if she doesn’t?’ asked Drackie.
‘Then we ask that policewoman. She looked nice, even if she was a human! I bet she’d help us. But I think Auntie Chook will give us Fang if we just ask her nicely. After all, she is a vampire!’
Drackie nodded. Suddenly he was longing to see a normal everyday vampire again. Long black cloak, nice normal fangs. A few bottles of blood in the fridge…
Drackie’s tummy rumbled at the thought. He wished they’d thought to bring a picnic.
‘Girls first,’ he said politely to Cousin Snot.
‘Huh!’ said Cousin Snot. But she opened the gate anyway, and walked up the path.
It was a strange-looking path, thought Drackie. No flaming torches. No wild shrubs that looked as if a werewolf might be lurking in the shadows. Just weird-looking yellow flowers all in a row and grass that looked as if it was trying to turn itself into a carpet, but without the dust.
There weren’t even any cobwebs on the doorway!
‘I went first up the path,’ hissed Cousin Snot. ‘So it’s your turn to knock at the door!’
Drackie knocked. Even the knocking sounded strange, he realised—just a rat-a-tat-tat instead of a long hollow castle-type boom.
The door opened, silently, without even a tiny creak or groan.
‘Yes? Who is it?’
Drackie stared. Beside him Cousin Snot’s mouth hung open.
Every person they’d seen on the mainland had been strange. But this woman was the strangest of all!
She was tall—like Dad, thought Drackie—and some of her hair was black like Dad’s too. But the rest of it was striped red and green and purple.
He gulped. At least she had fangs, even though her lipstick was so bright it distracted you from looking at them. And at least she wore a dress, not pants like the policewoman. But this dress was pink! And it was trimmed with pink feathers around the skirt and sleeves and neck.
Pink feathers! he thought. Just like the feather by the note!
‘I’m sorry,’ said the strange woman. ‘Classes are over for the night.’ She started to shut the door…
‘No! Wait!’ cried Drackie.
The door opened again. The woman looked at them more closely. Suddenly she began to laugh. ‘Two little vampires! You kids really are vampires, aren’t you? Not kids dressed up for a party.’
‘Yes, we’re vampires,’ said Drackie quietly. ‘I’m Drackie von Dracula and this is Cousin Snot.’
‘Drackie and Snot…’ The woman shook her head. ‘I haven’t heard names like that in years…’ And then she grinned. Her fangs shone. ‘Come in!’ she cried. ‘I’m your Auntie Chook!’
CHAPTER 8
Auntie Chook’s Story
It was a dark and stormy night in the painting of Vampire Island over Auntie Chook’s piano. But the rest of the room didn’t look like anything Drackie had ever seen in his life.
No cobwebs. No stone walls. No long black velvet curtains with spiders hiding in the folds.
This room was painted bright pink, and the curtains were pink too. The sofa was purple and the pink chairs had purple cushions.
‘Now then, sit down,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘What’s all this about? What are two little vampires doing here on the mainland?’
Drackie took a deep breath. ‘We want Fang back!’
‘Fang?’ asked Auntie Chook. ‘Is he your little brother?’
‘No!’
cried Drackie. ‘He’s my pet toad! And you stole him!’
‘Me?’ asked Auntie Chook in surprise. ‘Why do you think I stole him? What would I want with a toad?’
‘He’s a vampire toad!’ said Drackie. ‘They’re very rare!’
‘Sorry kids,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘I don’t even do vampire toads.’
‘And there was a pink feather by the ransom note!’ said Cousin Snot.
Auntie Chook brushed the feathers on her dress. ‘I see,’ she said slowly. ‘And my kind relatives thought I must be the criminal. Well, I’m sorry, kids, but you’ve got the wrong vampire. I don’t do toad stealing.’
‘Then how did the feather get there?’ demanded Drackie.
Auntie Chook shrugged. ‘Maybe a pink bird dropped it.’
‘Why should we believe you?’ yelled Cousin Snot. ‘No one would tell us what you’ve done that’s so bad, but I bet it’s terrible! I bet you’re a…a bank robber…or a terrorist!’
‘I’m not a bank robber or a terrorist,’ said Auntie Chook quietly.
‘Then what are you!’ yelled Cousin Snot.
‘I’m a chicken,’ said Auntie Chook.
‘It all began when I was your age,’ Auntie Chook explained. ‘All the other kids were changing into bats…But bats are boring—all that brown and black,’ Auntie Chook shuddered. ‘Brown! I like bright colours, like pink and purple, or silver spangles perhaps. So I decided I was going to be something else!’
‘What?’ breathed Cousin Snot.
‘A chicken of course!’ said Auntie Chook. ‘A bright one, with pink feathers.’ She shrugged, and lifted her arms.
PVART! Somehow it was the most musical PVART! Drackie had ever heard. What was that music again, he wondered. A tango, that was it. The PVART! was tango flavoured!
Suddenly a chicken perched on the sofa where Auntie Chook had sat a moment before. It was normal chicken size, with a beak and wings. But it was as pink as Auntie Chook’s dress, and sort of ruffled too, thought Drackie.
‘See?’ said the chicken.
Drackie stared and gulped.
Auntie Chook had been pretty fantastic before. But with feathers and wings she was fabulously…bright…he decided. The brightest thing he’d ever seen!
‘But…but vampires always change into bats!’ Drackie insisted.
‘No, they don’t,’ said the chicken. She lifted up her pink-feathered wings.
PVART! The tango sound filled the room again.
Suddenly Auntie Chook was back in human form. ‘You can turn into anything you want to be,’ she said. ‘It’s just tradition that vampires change into bats, just like it’s tradition that vampires all wear black and red.’
Auntie Chook shuddered. ‘OK, black and red don’t show the bloodstains if you’re a messy eater. But black and red all the time is so boring! No feathers! No spangles…anyway, it makes sense to turn into something that has wings. That way you don’t spend your life having to walk around. I had to be a bird of some sort.
‘So I decided I was going to be a chicken! And not just any chicken,’ she added proudly. ‘But the brightest most colourful chicken in the world!’
‘You mean…you mean when I learn to change I can choose?’ exclaimed Drackie.
‘Me, too?’ squeaked Cousin Snot. ‘How cool is that!’
Auntie Chook’s face lost its smile. ‘Yes, you can choose,’ she said quietly. ‘But if you choose to be something different—well, vampires are conservative—and you can pay a heavy price for not being like everyone else. In the end, the choice was simply change into a bat, or leave the island.
‘So I left,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘I flew over to the mainland. I give people dancing lessons at night time, and hope no one finds out I sleep in a coffin during the day. And I’ve never been back to Vampire Island since.’
‘Oh,’ said Drackie.
No one said anything for a minute. Then Drackie said, ‘Don’t you miss the island?’
‘Every night,’ said Auntie Chook quietly. ‘Every time I look outside and see the moon instead of a flash of lightning. Every time I have to remember not to grin in case someone sees my fangs. But I can’t go home again.’
‘It’s not fair!’ said Cousin Snot hotly. ‘Why can’t you be anything you want to be? Just because you like feathers…and colour…’
‘And dancing,’ said Auntie Chook with the ghost of a smile.
‘Well, when we go home we’re going to tell everyone they’re wrong! Aren’t we Drackie?’ said Cousin Snot.
‘I promise,’ said Drackie.
Auntie Chook smiled. ‘Thanks, kids,’ she said. ‘But first things first. We have to find your toad!’
‘But you said you hadn’t taken him!’ cried Drackie.
‘No, I didn’t take him,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘But I’m going to help you find out who did!’
CHAPTER 9
The Plan
If only it was a dark and stormy night, thought Drackie as he sat on the sofa in Auntie Chook’s pink living room, and tried to think. But the night outside was still calm and moonlit. Somehow it was hard to plan without the rain and lightning!
‘Do you mind if I change into something more comfortable again, kids?’ asked Auntie Chook.
‘Not at all,’ said Drackie politely.
PVART! This PVART! sounded more like disco music.
Suddenly the pink chicken—with fangs—was perched on the sofa in front of them again.
‘That’s better!’ said Auntie Chook. ‘I do like being in feathers. I can’t change into a chicken when there are any humans about. Humans just don’t understand things like that. I don’t think they’d want to take lessons from a dancing vampire chicken.’ Auntie Chook fluffed her feathers. ‘But they are pretty, aren’t they?’ she added.
‘Totally hot!’ said Cousin Snot. ‘Heaps better than black and brown.’
‘Er. Um. Very bright!’ said Drackie.
‘Thanks, kids,’ said Auntie Chook, ruffling her feathers happily. ‘Now, we need a plan.’
Drackie shook his head despondently. ‘The mainland is such a big place!’ he said gloomily. ‘When we were on the island we didn’t realise how big it is over here! How can we find one small toad and a gang of toad thieves?’
Auntie Chook grinned. Her fangs glinted in her beak. ‘We don’t,’ she said. ‘We let them find us!’
Two small vampires and a vampire chicken sat around the table—or at least the vampire kids sat and the chicken perched on the back of a chair.
Drackie hoped Auntie Chook couldn’t hear his tummy rumbling. Sitting at a table reminded it they hadn’t eaten since they left the island.
‘We’ll put an ad in the newspaper,’ said Auntie Chook.
‘What’s a newspaper?’ asked Cousin Snot.
‘It’s…er…black and white and read all over,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘Joke,’ she added. ‘It’s something people read. I take a copy into my coffin to read before I go to sleep. Our local paper comes out before dawn every morning. All I need to do is ring the newspaper office up and put in an ad…I’ll explain all that later,’ she added as Drackie opened his mouth.
‘What will the ad say?’ asked Cousin Snot.
‘Let’s see,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘Wanted: vampire toad. What does your toad look like, Drackie?’
‘Like a toad,’ said Drackie. ‘Um, he’s warty and has fangs,’ he added. ‘And he’s very intelligent!’
Right,’ said Auntie Chook. ‘Wanted: vampire toad. Must be warty and very intelligent. Will pay a million dollars.’
‘But…but…we don’t have a million dollars,’ protested Drackie. ‘If we had a million dollars we could pay the toad thieves the ransom!’
Auntie Chook grinned. ‘But the toad thieves don’t know that!’ she said. ‘And when they bring Fang back we’ll…’ her grin grew wider and her fangs gleamed.
‘We’ll what?’ breathed Cousin Snot, fascinated.
‘We’ll vampirise them!’ said Auntie Chook gleefully.
>
‘But vampires don’t vampirise any more!’ protested Drackie.
Auntie Chook grinned. ‘The toad thieves don’t know that!’
CHAPTER 10
A Good Meal for Vampires
It was a dark and stormy night inside his tummy, Drackie decided, as he listened to Auntie Chook tell the newspaper people what they wanted in the ad, and give her credit card details. His tummy kept going grumble, rumble, rumble, almost as loud as the thunder around the castle every night.
‘Time for a snack!’ said Auntie Chook, putting down the phone. She looked at her watch. ‘The newspaper won’t be out for three hours. Let’s go and get something to eat!’
‘I’m starved,’ admitted Drackie. ‘Do they have camel juice or cat thickshakes on the mainland? But any blood will do,’ he added politely.
‘Oh, we’ll find something,’ said Auntie Chook airily. She lifted up her wings.
PVART! The PVART! was so catchy Drackie almost felt like dancing.
Auntie Chook straightened her pink-feathered dress. ‘Come on!’ she said. ‘Dinner time!’
The three of them sat at the polished wooden table in the café. Outside the cars rumbled in the never-really-dark of the city night. Traffic lights flashed and the lonely moon still glided across the sky.
‘This is called an all-night café,’ instructed Auntie Chook. ‘Most humans sleep at night, so most cafés are shut at night.’
‘Why do humans sleep when it’s all nice and dark?’ asked Cousin Snot.
Auntie Chook shrugged. ‘Don’t ask me! They can’t see very well when it’s not light. But maybe that’s because they just don’t get any practice. They sleep in beds too, not coffins,’ she added.
‘Hey, kinky,’ said Drackie.
‘Can I help you?’ the waitress blinked at them sleepily. She wore a short skirt and a low-cut blouse, Drackie realised, just like the pictures he’d glimpsed in the book Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great Uncle Spung had given him, before Auntie Warts had grabbed it.
Wonderfully Wacky Families Page 14
