by KA Hobbs
I step out of the lift and walk the few steps to his door. Doug’s apartment occupies the top two floors of the Pan Peninsula West. It is a stunning apartment that is Doug to a tee. He unlocks the door and I step in stepping into the huge open lounge. I feel comfortable here, I feel safe. Doug switches on some lights and the view of Canary Wharf and the London skyline stretches out before me. It is beautiful, a view I will never get tired of.
“Can I get you anything?” Doug asks, walking across the lounge and to the kitchen.
“No, I’m fine.”
My voice comes out in a whisper, I barely recognise it. I stand, rooted to the spot, just following his progress across the lounge. I snap myself out of it and reach down to remove my shoes; the wooden floor is cool on my feet. Doug walks back around the corner carrying two glasses of water. He meets my eyes and smiles.
“I’m so glad to have you here.” He places the glasses on the coffee table and sits down to remove his shoes.
“Do you mind if I go on up?” I ask, I just want to get into bed, I am so tired, and the whole day has taken its toll on me.
“Of course, I’ll be up in a second.”
I make my way up the stairs to the second floor, turning left into the main bedroom where I am so used to sleeping; it suddenly occurs to me, I’m not sure if I’m sleeping there tonight. I’m not even sure I want to or if I should. I walk across the bedroom, the plush carpet feeling soft under my stockinged feet and into the en-suite. Opening the cupboard by the sink I take out my facial wipes and begin removing all of my makeup. Wipe by wipe, my face slowly starts to become more my own. I finish up, apply my night-time moisturiser and brush my teeth. I see Doug come into the bedroom, removing his jacket and tie as he does. I rinse my mouth and make my way back into the bedroom.
“I wasn’t sure if I was sleeping in here tonight or not, I can go next door if you’d rather...” I make a move to go past him into the spare bedroom when he reaches out to clasp my wrist.
“I want you in here, this is our room Sophie.” His fingers are making small circles on the inside of my wrist; it takes all my concentration not to melt into a heap on the carpet in front of him.
“I’ll just get changed…”
“Sophie, I said I wanted to just hold you tonight, and I do, but spending the evening with you looking like that, knowing what you have on under there... it’s been driving me crazy. Don’t run away from me. Please.”
He reaches for me and pulls me closer to him. I can feel him against my tummy, thick, hot, ready. Just the feel of him makes my sex clench. He lowers his head and kisses me, heat floods my body and I whimper. I feel his hands reach behind me and unzip the back of my dress. Leaning into him, I press myself against every part I can touch. His hands run down my back, caressing the skin of my shoulders, then tracing the lacing that runs down the length of my spine. He gasps when he finds the suspenders stretching over my behind, grasping one between his thumb and finger; he lifts it, snapping it against me. He growls into my neck, running his tongue down, tasting my skin.
“You smell sensational.” he murmurs against my skin.
I groan, reaching up to run my fingers in his hair. How does he keep it so soft? He releases my dress, letting it fall to the floor, gathering in a pool by my feet. Doug steps back, leaving me standing alone in just my underwear.
“Oh, Sophie....”
Doug’s eyes roam over my body hungrily, taking in the exposed flesh at the tops of my thighs. I want to move forward, pull him in by his shirt collar and forget that this afternoon ever happened. Keeping his eyes on mine, he slowly drops to his knees in front of me, he leans forward, and presses feather light kisses across the exposed couple of inches of skin at the bottom of my corset. My eyes roll into the back of my head.
Doug’s mouth continues its quest lower down, stopping when he finds the thin strap of the suspender on my left thigh. Taking it between his teeth, his tongue sneaks out and traces the line lower until he reaches the top of my stocking. Grabbing my hips, he leans in and inhales the apex of my thighs. Slowly, he rises and looks at me with a heated gaze.
“I think we should stop, I just want to hold you.” His face looks torn, he doesn’t want to stop, my gaze lowers to the front of his trousers, there is a clear bulge, I know he doesn’t want to stop. And after that, I don’t either.
“We don’t have to stop; I want you Doug, please.”
I don’t know if its lust or the champagne talking, maybe a bit of both, but I want him. His face is torn, doubt and concern flash across his face.
“Sophie, you have no idea how much I want this. “I cut him off, taking a step closer and cupping the front of his trousers, his breath hisses through his teeth and I see the fire in his eyes. He places his hand over mine and shakes his head.
“I do want this, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.” He raises my hand and kisses it, trying to soften the blow.
“I’ll leave you to get changed; I’ll be back in a minute.
With that, he walks into the bathroom closing the door. I close my eyes hearing the door snap shut, rejection washing over me. After this afternoon, I need him to tell me he wants me, I need him to show me. I look down at myself, standing here, in my underwear, openly offering myself to him, what more does he want? I hear the shower go on and decide to get changed. I walk over the walk in wardrobe and remove everything I am wearing, searching for something to sleep in, I find the purple chemise he bought for me, slipping it over my head I return to the bedroom, slipping under the covers and turning off my light.
I lay there, listening to the sound of the shower, wondering, where we go from here. I am woken, I don’t know how long after, by the feeling of arms wrapping around me, pulling me into his chest. Doug kisses the top of my head and inhales.
“You have no idea what this is doing to me Sophie, I’ll tell you, I will, in the morning. I just hope you want to be with me after you know what it is....”
I close my eyes, forcing myself not to cry. I fall into a fitful sleep, filled with a little girl with piercing blue eyes.
Chapter Fourteen
I wake the next morning, alone. Doug’s side of the bed is cold; he’s been up for a while. I lay there, listening to the sounds of the flat. There is faint music playing downstairs, I strain my ears but I can’t make out what it is. I push off the duvet and plod to the bathroom, my hair is a mess. I try to calm it down, pulling it into a messy bun on the top of my head. I wash my face, and grab my robe off the back of the door.
Making my way downstairs, I can hear better what the music is, Cannonball. I love this song. A feeling of warmth floods my body, memories come flooding back to me. Happy times. I ready myself to face what this morning is going to bring and walk to the kitchen. Doug sits at the breakfast bar, coffee sitting next to him, papers spread around him. He’s still wearing his pyjamas and looks positively gorgeous. He senses my presence and looks up, smiling when he sees me.
“Good morning, how did you sleep?” He slips down from the stool and walks over, wrapping me in his arms.
“I’ve slept better. “ I answer, snuggling into him.
“You were so restless, I almost woke you.” He sighs. There is silence, the elephant in the room more obvious now than last night.
“Can I get you some coffee?” He says, letting me go.
“Yes, please.”
He makes his way over to the coffee machine and begins the process of making me a coffee. I walk into the great lounge and sit in the corner of the sofa, looking out at the London skyline. It’s raining and the huge windows are splattered with raindrops. I have a sinking feeling, deep down in my stomach. Everything is about to change. Doug places my coffee on the table and takes a seat next to me.
“Tell me.” I look up into his eyes “I need to know what this is Doug, its eating away at me; I’m imagining all kinds of things.... Just tell me, please.”
He looks at me, as if he has no idea where to start. Running his hands through his hai
r, he takes a deep breath, and then nothing. I wait, and wait, and wait. I’m beginning to lose patience when he whispers the words.
“I have a daughter.”
His words hang there, suspended as if from nothing. I don’t know what to say. Doug sighs and turns to look at me.
“Her name is Abigail. She is four years old.”
I sit there, staring out of the window; feet tucked up under me, not sure what he expects me to say.
“Her mother died four months ago, she lives in New York with her grandparents.” he continues.
“What? She lives, where?” I almost yell. Doug flinches and looks at me, searching my face.
“She lives in New York, her mother was raised there, she went back after...” It suddenly dawns on me.
“So these last few times, you weren't in New York on business? You went there to see... your... “ I can’t even say it.
“I was in New York for business Sophie, but yes, I did meet Abigail too.”
Silence stretches out before us, neither of us looking at each other, neither of us saying anything. There are so many questions racing through my mind.
“When did you find out about this? Have you always known? Have you kept it a secret from me this whole time?”
A sob breaks out and I put my hand over my mouth trying to stop any more escaping, hot tears run down my cheeks, splashing onto my dressing gown. Doug turns to face me; his face is full of pain and regret.
“I only found out last month. Abigail’s mother, she told me she lost the baby; she told me there was nothing I could have done. She moved back to America to be with her parents...I had no idea.”
I’m lost for words, wiping the tears that are quickly falling I try to take a deep breath but a sob breaks free. Doug wraps me in his arms, rocking me.
“Sophie, no, don’t cry. I hate it when you cry. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I should have told you, I should have told you.” his voice breaks and he holds me tighter.
“I wanted to tell you, but there was so much I needed to know, so much I needed to get straight in my head before I told you.” I sob harder into his chest. I can’t stop the tears, they just keep falling hot and wet on to us both.
“Talk to me, tell me what you’re thinking...” His mouth is at my ear , “Tell me Sophie.” he pleads running his hands up and down my back.
“You’re a daddy...” I whisper “You have a daughter...” He pulls back to look at my face, unsure how he should react. Wiping away the tears, he leans in and kisses my forehead.
“Yes. She’s perfect Sophie. She has my eyes...” There is awe and pride in his voice.
“She’s the little girl in your wallet.” It isn’t a question.
“Yes, Abigail and Lauren, her mother, a few months before she died.”
There is sadness in his voice. He gets up, returning a few seconds later with the photo I saw in the café. I wipe my eyes of tears so I can see the photo properly. She is beautiful and she absolutely has Doug’s eyes. She is smiling, showing all her perfect tiny white teeth, clinging to her mother who is beaming at the camera too. They are both beautiful. I hand it back to him, unable to look at it any more.
“You never mentioned Lauren.” it’s the only thing I can think of.
“It didn’t seem important, we were only together for a couple of months, no, not even really together. It wasn’t serious and the baby wasn’t planned. When she lost it — well she didn’t — I know that now. She left England and went back to America to be with her parents. We didn’t speak or see each other again.”
“So, what happens now? Are you moving there? Is she moving here?” I have so many questions but these two are the ones my lips ask.
“We haven’t thought that far ahead yet. She’s still trying to get used to having me in her life... I don’t even know how it would work…” he rubs his eyes, stress radiating from him, “We all need some time to think this through, whatever happens; it will be a huge change, for everyone.You included.”
It will be a huge change, for everyone.You included.
The words keep going round in my head. My whole life is about to change for reasons I had no part in. How is a child going to fit into our life? My life? I need to think. I need to not be sitting right next to the one person who I love beyond measure who is the only person who can change my life, for good or bad in a matter of minutes. The man who has just told me he has a daughter with a woman who told him she had lost the baby and who died four months ago leaving their child without a mother and a father she didn’t even know about until recently. I go to get up and Doug rises to his feet.
“Sophie, don’t run away please, I need you now, more than I ever have. Please....stay.” I look up into the eyes of the man who is my world and know our life together is changed forever.
“I just need a little time Doug, okay? This is such a shock, I don’t know what you want me to say, I don’t even know what I feel about this right now. I just know I need to be on my own, think this all through. Can you give me a little time, to figure out what this means for me, for us….”
“Us...?” he gasps. “What do you mean us? Sophie, you can’t leave me. I need you. I need you to be brave, I need you to be brave for me, I need you to be brave for you.”
“Let me go Doug, please, don’t make this more difficult.”
I manage to pull out of his reach and run up the stairs. Grabbing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt from the wardrobe, I get dressed quickly, knowing he could be close behind. I grab a sweatshirt and some socks, slipping my feet into my converse. I collect my phone, keys and money from my clutch and head back downstairs. Doug hasn’t moved from the sofa, his head in his hands. I stop, I cannot face saying goodbye to him, I know I am being a coward, but I just can’t. I put my hood up and head out the door. I’m standing waiting for the lift when he appears.
“You’re really going to go? Without saying goodbye or anything?” his face is heartbreaking.
“I have to Doug; I just need some time okay?”
He grabs my face, holding it between his hands and looks into my eyes.
“I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone Sophie Rose Bennett, don’t let this change what we have. We can work through this, together. I promise you that. I promise.”
I have to close my eyes. I can’t look into those eyes any longer. He leans in, resting his forehead against mine. The lift pings, I open my eyes and step into the open lift. The last thing I see before the doors close is a pair of the bluest eyes, full of emotion and staring straight at me.
“Fortes fortuna iuvat, Sophie.” he whispers to me “Be brave, for me. Please...”
Chapter Fifteen
I start walking, I don’t know where I am going. I just know I need to walk, I need to get away from Doug. I feel like everything is changing, nothing is ever going to be the same again. He is a father. He has a daughter. I don’t know how I feel about that, how am I supposed to feel? How will she fit into our lives? Does Doug expect me to be her mother? What will she think of me?
There are so many things I don’t know the answer to. It has just been dumped on me. No warning. Nothing. A little voice at the back of my head softly whispers he didn’t know about it either, he had it dumped on him too. How do you think he feels? I wrap my arms tighter around myself; I need to keep myself together. I need to decide where this leaves us, is there even an us anymore?
I pull my phone out of my pocket and divert all calls to voicemail. I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. I put my headphones in and press shuffle on my music. Within seconds my ears are filled with the sound of a beautiful piano, the tempo fitting my mood. I keep walking, head down not caring where my feet take me, as long as it is far away from all this shit that has just been thrown at my feet.
Adele’s soothing voice fills my ears I ain't lost, just wandering... But I am lost, I feel totally lost. Like the path I thought I was going to take no longer exists, the life I thought I was going to have isn’t the one I can
have any more. I don’t know where I stand with Doug. Can I still be with him? I love him, more than anything in the world, but am I strong enough to deal with this?
I find myself at Starbucks. Not feeling hungry, I get a smoothie and flag down the next taxi I see to take me home. It starts to rain on the drive to my flat, rain sliding down the windows as we drive along. Doug’s voice echoes in my head, Be brave, for me. Please. How can I be brave when my heart is breaking? The taxi pulls up outside my flat and I pay him without saying a word. I let myself in and the silence hits me like a bus. I push the door closed, barely making it to the sofa, before I am gasping for breath, the pain taking over.
