by Jolene Perry
He leans down.
I hold my breath.
Waiting.
Instead of a kiss, his forehead touches mine. We just stand there for a moment, the world spinning around us.
“So, are you going to come swimming with me this summer?” he asks.
More grape smell. “In the pool.”
“No beach?”
“I’ll come to the beach. My fingers will hover over 911 and I’ll stand by the lifeguard, but I’m not swimming in the ocean.”
“I’m going to make it my goal to get you to swim in the ocean.”
“I’m very sorry that you won’t make your goal.”
He kisses me again. “I think I could fall in love with you, Gabriella.”
“I think I could fall in love with you too…” I narrow my eyes as if deciding, but I know my grin has completely given me away. “But it might take some time.”
He kisses my nose. “I’ve got time.”
I reach out and take his waist, pulling him against me. This is infinitely better. His stomach against my stomach and his mouth against my mouth. Our hands on each other’s backs…
“Okay.” He gives me a little peck. And then another one. “Okay, I have to…” He leans back. “I’m waiting for one of your parents to burst out of your house and attack me with a shovel or something.”
“They don’t use shovels. That’s so last century,” I tease.
“Nice.” He laughs a little. “Call me later?”
I take a step back and then another and then another. Hartman’s still grinning. He tugs a piece of gum from his pocket.
Grape gum. Aha.
I’m so buying like ten packs of that stuff to put next to my bed. Maybe I’ll start dreaming about him if I smell him all night.
He climbs in his car and drives away while I watch. I step inside the lobby. I could for sure get used to this flying feeling.
Bree grabs my shoulders the moment I’m through the house door. “His parents refuse to let us see him before he’s buried, Gabe.”
“I know.”
“I saw their car drive up today, and your parents were so obviously weird…” She shakes her head.
“They do that.”
“Anyway, I knew something was up, so I snuck downstairs and listened to them talking. No open casket. No…nothing. A small, private service. Invitation only. I can’t…” Bree shakes her head, and a couple tears leak down her cheek. “I can’t just listen to someone talk about him and be okay with that being the end. I need to say good-bye. Do you get that? I even tried to go downstairs, but your parents have the place on lockdown. I don’t know if Bryce’s family will let any of his friends in.”
“You need to say good-bye.” I sat in the morgue and chatted with both of my grandparents for hours after they died. They weren’t there. It didn’t matter. I felt better, and that’s what was important. Bree needs that too. I think about how many hours Mr. Nichols just sat with his wife, even knowing she was gone.
“Is it okay if we invite a few other people?” I ask. “Theo’s still stuck in bed, but Jeremy and Jessica and Meghan?”
Bree’s hands tighten on my shoulders, and her eyes fill with hope. “You can do that?”
I nod, only about half sure I can do that.
“Thank you, Gabe.” Bree tugs me into a tight hug. “I need this.”
And I get that she does. I just have to make sure we don’t get caught. I’m about to ask Matthew for maybe the biggest favor ever.
Chapter 30
The whole time Mom and Dad talk, I’m mostly thinking—I’m going to sneak friends into the basement to see Bryce tonight.
“I sat down with Bree and found a counselor today,” Mom says.
“Oh.”
I glance toward the living room, but Mickey seems to be absorbed in her show.
“Bree won’t go back to school this year. I’ve already talked to her teachers so she can finish up from here.”
I’d really love that offer.
Dad rests his elbows on the table. “We’ve talked about possibly offering Bree a home here for senior year. I don’t think her mom’s in a good place to create a stable home for Bree. Her father’s about to have a baby. But we also know that your friendship with Bree has suffered a bit, and I don’t want to add strain to that.”
Bree would live with me? How crazy awesome would that be?
“Living with a friend is hard, Gabe,” Mom warns.
I shake my head. “We’ll be good. It’ll be so, so good.”
Dad releases a breath. “We’ve been pretty lax with you as far as rules and curfews, but considering what Bree’s been through this year—”
“And your behavior over prom,” Mom cuts in.
“We’re going to have to be a little more strict,” Dad adds.
Well, that sucks, but I can deal. “Okay.”
“Don’t say anything to Bree until we talk to her parents,” Mom says.
Fat chance.
“Is that all?”
Dad nods. “Go spend time with Bree. She really needs you right now.”
I sprint from the table and find Bree curled in a ball on her bed. “I don’t think I can do this.”
I sit next to her, the excitement over the possibility of her living with me for senior year deflating. “You don’t have to do it alone.”
“I know.” She turns her head to rest a cheek on her knees. “I can’t explain the panic I feel.”
I’m afraid to speak.
“Running down the stairs after watching them just fall through the floor. It didn’t seem real until we found the guys.” She hiccups. “I thought they were all dead until I heard him wheezing…” Bree shudders and I rub her back. “It was so fast, Gabe. Like everyone was laughing, and the guys were doing this dance. There was a creak, and then total chaos.”
“I can’t imagine.” And I can’t. I’ve heard about accidents. Seen the results of more than I could ever hope to name, but to be there…Just seeing the cop cars after the fact sent me into hyper-overdrive.
She closes her eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget.”
She probably won’t. I won’t forget the cop telling me everyone had been taken to the hospital either.
“Mom and Dad are going to talk to your parents about you staying with us through senior year, but I’m not supposed to say anything.” Maybe distracting her would be good.
Bree blinks and sits up. “Are you serious? Your parents would do that?”
I shrug. “They said not to tell you, but…”
A corner of Bree’s mouth twitches. “But they had to know you’d never keep that a secret.”
I cross my legs on the bed.
Bree stares at the blanket. I’ve known her long enough to know that she’s trying to process too many things at once right now. “I could live in this house,” she says quietly.
“Yep.” If Bree wasn’t dealing with so much, we’d be squealing and jumping and dancing. Still, I think if nothing else, it’ll give us something to plan and talk about and work on together. A distraction for her at the very least.
“How do you…” Her body seems to shrink as she watches me. “How do you work in the middle of death and not want to just give up?”
“I…” But my mouth just hangs open. “I…”
Why do I?
“Oh great.” Her brows go up. “Even you can’t answer.”
And then I think about what Hartman said—about spending as many moments together as we can. And about how Mom is always talking about actually living life instead of just walking through it. “Because life is worth it.”
“Are you sure?” Her voice is so hollow that I ache for her. I also wonder what really happened the night she disappeared, but I don’t think I’ll get the full story on that one for a while.
Goose bumps wash over my skin. “Remember that poster in our freshman English class that we used to make fun of? ‘The best things that are going to happen to you in this life are probably
things you haven’t even thought of yet’?”
She clutches her sides. “I sort of remember that.”
“We used to think it was stupid,” I say.
“And then…And then…Or I guess now, it’s not so stupid.”
I nod once, studying her. She’s thinner.
“Do you know what it feels like to be left by so many people?” she asks absently.
I’m not sure she would even care who was here right now, but maybe I’m wrong. I sit silently, like I seem to do a lot around her.
“My dad left me for a promotion. I mean, he offered to take me with him, but that’s hardly…I don’t know. He’s starting a whole new family now, so he won’t even pay for the few things he promised. Mom left me for what I’m guessing is a total craphole apartment in LA, based on the few conversations we’ve had. My grammy, who stepped up to help, is now being carted away. Bryce wanted me, but my best friend didn’t approve, and it just made me feel guilty and angry for feeling guilty because I was finally wanted. The whole time I was with Bryce, I half knew it wasn’t a good idea, but doing the safe thing had gotten me missing parents and a crazy grammy. And then Bryce died…” Her voice is monotone and unflinching.
Just looking at how sad and broken Bree is kills me a little.
“I’m sorry,” I say again because that’s all I know to say right now.
And we sit. In silence. Our shoulders touching and the breeze washing over us through the window. We’ll never be the same Bree and Gabe again, and maybe that’s okay.
Chapter 31
Bree clutches my arm so tightly that my fingers are going numb. “How many bodies are down there? It’s weird when there are a lot.”
“One under a sheet. Matthew placed Bryce in his casket yesterday.”
“And he’s not…” She sniffs. “I mean, I’m not going to see…”
“Bryce’s suit is on. He’s dressed. Promise. You know Matthew does good work.”
“Not as good as us,” she jokes, but her voice quakes on every word. She’s trying to joke though—another sign she’ll be okay.
The basement door kicks open, and Matthew’s hair is a blond halo with the way the light’s shining behind him. “You two coming?”
“Yep,” I call quietly as we take another step down together.
“I can do this,” Bree says quietly.
“You’ll be sorry if you don’t,” I whisper.
Her steps even out as we keep walking down, and once we’re at the bottom, Matthew gives me an Are you sure? look.
“Even if I get in trouble, how bad could it be?” I ask.
“After prom night?” Matthew asks. “It could be bad.”
He has an excellent point.
Bree has stopped two steps into the room.
Bryce is in his suit, the top of the coffin resting open. The other body is gone, but the doors to the embalming room are closed, so my guess is that Matthew tucked the corpse in there. My cousin can be a good guy when he wants to be.
I stand next to Bree, but when I look over at her, her eyes are closed.
“I’ll step out the back door,” Matthew says. “Watch for your people.”
I don’t even acknowledge him. My attention is on Bree.
Her hands loosen and tighten a few times before her eyes open.
Bryce is solid. Still. Cold. Stuffed into a suit.
This thing lying in front of us makes no sense when I think about Bryce in the hallways of school. He was so full of life.
Every part of my body stills. He was so full of life. I’ve always thought of that as the stupidest cliché, and now, even faced with someone I didn’t like, I feel the impossibility of him being gone. But he’s gone just the same.
The shock suddenly makes sense. This is a revelation I should have had with my grandparents, but maybe because they were both so prepared for this phase of their existence, I was too.
I stay back by the door to upstairs. Matthew steps outside one of the double doors behind the house. No way for me to know how creative he’ll be with payback, but I suspect I’ll be his go-getter and errand runner until I’m the one lying still. Stuffed in a dress I hate.
“Hey,” Hartman whispers behind me.
I spin to face him and lean into his chest.
“Gabe?” Bree’s voice shakes a little.
Turning from Hartman, I take three small steps toward Bree and Bryce. I stare down at Bryce’s body. I recognize which foundation Matthew used on his skin, and the signs of his jaw and mouth being shut and the subtle edge of the eye cap under his eyelid.
“This is so…weird,” Bree says. “I’ve sat down here to do other people, but to see him this way…”
“Hey,” Jeremy’s voice echoes a little in the sterile room. “Whoa…”
Pretty soon we’re all standing around Bryce in a strange half circle. Meghan and Jessica have locked arms. Jeremy rests on a sturdy set of crutches, but he looks thinner and paler than I’ve ever seen him. I’m guessing he’s still in a lot of pain. Bree leans into me, and Hartman stands behind me, a hand on my shoulder.
“You’re right,” Jessica whispers. “So weird.”
Meghan says a few things into her phone and then scans the room with it. “Theo is here on FaceTime.”
I glance back at Hartman, and he has a What the…? look on his face. At least I’m not alone in thinking that FaceTime seems super strange in this moment. But maybe we should be glad for Theo that it’s even an option.
“What do you even say?” Meghan asks. “I can’t believe he’s dead, but at the same time, he was insane, so part of me wonders how he lived this long.”
Jeremy smiles a little as his head drops. “Yeah…I…Yeah.”
Meghan’s phone talks, and it takes me a moment to register that it’s Theo’s voice. “I think we should all share a story. Isn’t that something people do? Ask Gabe. Hey, Gabe, isn’t that something people do?”
“Uh…yep.” I really hope I don’t have to share a story because I have no idea what I’d say. Thanks for not stuffing me in a trash can when I apologized to you at school?
Bree and I grasp hands. I lean back against Hartman. People who might start to become my friends are talking about Bryce, but not in a way that makes him sound perfect. In a way that makes him sound real. He was a real person. Now he’s not.
I blink and see him jumping around at school, and the look of shock on his face after I hit him, which was so satisfying.
Jessica says something about how much Bryce would love the attention he’s getting at school right now, and a new thought walks through my brain. Pieces of Bryce’s death will always be around. Some pieces of his life. I see the people in this room, and he gave us all something to bond over. Shaped parts of who we are—some for good, some for not so good. So really, he’s influencing us, even in death. Maybe it’s that our function after we die just changes, whether we live in any kind of afterlife or not. Just like people can be forevers to us, even when they aren’t around anymore, because we remember them.
The elevator sounds, and my stomach rolls over. Everyone in the room stares at the wall as the cranky lift lurches and groans.
No one moves as the elevator door slides open to reveal both my parents. Both wearing robes, pajamas, and scowls.
Dad’s jaw tightens as he takes in the scene. Me, four of my friends, Matthew, and Bryce.
“Gabby!” Dad barks as he steps forward, and Mom reaches an arm out to stop him.
“What is going on here?” Mom asks, her hand still on Dad’s arm.
Hartman moves from the group and pauses in front of Mom and Dad. “Bree needed this. I needed this with my dad and never got it. And your daughter…” He glances over his shoulder, giving me a small smile. “Your daughter risked getting in trouble so we could all get…closure, I guess.”
“But this is…” Dad sputters.
Bree’s lip trembles. “Please?” She sniffs once. “We’re not doing anything bad. We’re not rearranging anything. Just�
�” She glances down at Bryce. “We all needed a few minutes.”
Jeremy readjusts his crutches. “Five more. Maybe less?”
Even he sounds pleading. I can see Mom and Dad deflating as their faces and shoulders relax.
Dad’s glare is on me. “Gabby?”
He points to the floor in front of him.
Nice, Dad.
I walk around Bree and toward my parents. Hartman gives me a small smile before we pass on his way back across the room to the group.
Mom steps backward until the three of us are in the back corner of the large elevator.
“You could have just asked,” Dad says.
“And if you’d said no, this would have been so much worse.”
“Because you’d have done it anyway?” His voice is high-pitched and incredulous.
“Dad…” I plead in a whisper. “I’ve never had…I’ve never had people. Friends. This was something I could do for them. For my best friend. For the girl who has saved me from my awkward self through most of high school. His parents are doing private services. And the viewing is family only. I’d have done it anyway.”
He presses on the bridge of his nose. “Gabriella…”
“I know.” I fold my arms and glance at the floor, trying to look somewhat contrite. “I’ve spent enough time with Hartman to know how much not getting this kind of closure with his dad has hurt him. I didn’t want to see my friends hurt that way.”
Dad lets out a sigh and glances back at the group standing over Bryce.
“Please?” I ask. “Let me back in there, and I promise this was a good thing. And I promise Bryce will be in the exact condition that Matthew wants him in. Just…please.”
Mom sighs. Dad frowns. They whisper for a moment before Dad turns back around. “Five more minutes.”
I give them a nod, and just as promised, I step back out of the elevator door, which is open just long enough for Dad to give everyone a very stern look. The elevator door closes with a thunk and once again groans as it creeps slowly back upstairs. I walk back to my friends.
“All okay?” Hartman asks.
“Not so much,” I say. “But okay for now.”
“We should finish up,” Jessica adds.
