On Day Ten I got home from school to find my own letter lying on the doormat. I took it up to my bedroom so that I could really enjoy it and maybe feel, for just a few minutes, that Alex was here chatting to me like old times.
Dear Izzy,
I can’t believe I’m here in this awesome place – you really have never seen anything like it in your life! Hardly anyone speaks English, but I’m working really hard on my French and Charlie translates for me – when he’s around that is! His Uncle Rob has him working really hard. I hardly get to see him at the moment. It’s all worth it though, to be here together. Anyway, it’s going to have to be a choice of learning French or stopping talking, so which do you think I’ll choose?!
Our little chalet is the best place ever. It’s all made out of wood and it smells amazing. We’ve got our own teeny bathroom with just enough room for a sink, toilet and shower. No bath, which is a shame, because the baby suddenly seems to have grown massive overnight and my back gets quite achy by the end of the day after lugging it around! I miss soaking in a long, deep bubble bath while you chat to me.
There are some shelves on one wall in our room and today I picked some flowers and put them in a jam jar. I have no idea what they are, but they make the place look really cosy. The walls are a bit bare, but I might have a go at drawing the view so that we’ve got a picture to put up.
It would be so fantastic if you and Mum could come here one day – I know you’d love it. There’s a gorgeous little church in the village. I joked with Charlie the other day that it’d be an amazing place to get married. He didn’t say a lot, but he did give me a big grin, so you never know! Never say never! Watch this space!!!
We’re so happy to be here that it hardly seems like real life! And you should see what Charlie has bought for the baby – a totally gorgeous (and a bit funny-looking, but don’t tell him I said that!) stuffed toy zebra called Stripy!
The weather is completely different to back home (writing that sentence makes me feel totally British!). When it’s sunny, it is BOILING HOT, but when it rains it’s like standing under a shower. It feels like everything is MORE here – not grey and bleak like at home.
There’s so much I want to tell you and I’m sure I haven’t said half of it. It’s brilliant that it’s all working out so well and that Charlie and I are so happy together. I wish I could share all of this with you and Mum as well though. I’m having all the good things while you’re both probably a bit worried about me.
Don’t worry and try not to miss me too much. I’m really, really happy here!
Love you forever,
Alex xxx
I read her letter over and over again, but in the end I gave up. I couldn’t find it, no matter how hard I tried. Alex’s letter told me all about the great weather and the growing baby and how happy she is – but nowhere can I find the bit that makes me think she’s missing me. Or that she’s sorry for what has happened. And the weather isn’t THAT bad here actually. It’s quite nice, the best summer we’ve had for years apparently, so it’s just bad luck for Alex that she’s missing it.
Izzy
Mum won’t stop
crying.
She has so many tears that I imagine
the kitchen
flooding
and me having to row across to the kettle
in a rubber dinghy,
just to make her
a cup of tea.
Mum won’t stop
talking.
So many words that they fill the air,
skirmishing and jostling and clogging up
my head.
Angry is a strong word.
He elbows his way to the
top spot a lot.
‘How could she do this to me?’
‘What have I done to deserve this?’
‘What was she thinking?’
Angry likes to ask a lot of
questions,
but isn’t really interested in the
answers.
Sometimes
Guilty
sneaks
her
way
in.
Guilty is sly and she doesn’t come
alone.
Sometimes she brings
Sad
with her.
Sometimes Confused likes to join
the party.
And Guilty has a twin sister.
Her name is
Memories.
‘If only I hadn’t behaved that way.’
‘Do you remember the day I said that?’
‘I should have been better.’
‘It’s all my fault.’
Guilty turns happy memories into
nightmares.
She rewrites the story so that times you
thought were
good times
suddenly have their skin peeled back and a
rotten core
stares back at you.
I
hate
Guilty
most of all.
True Colours
It’s the last week of term and everyone is excited. Nobody is getting any work done and even the teachers seem to have given up. Most of our lessons involve watching a film or having a discussion. This suits Hannah and me: we just hide in a quiet corner and chat about the summer holidays.
I’ve told her about Alex – it seemed silly not to when the news was spreading round school like a fire. Most of the sixth form came and asked me if it was true in those first few days. I suppose it gave them something else to think about instead of stressing over their exams. And it’s not every day that the sixth form heart-throb runs away with the popular, dramatic, pretty girl. The worst part was the whole-school assembly we had a week after they’d gone. Our head teacher managed to avoid saying Alex or Charlie’s names, but he didn’t need to bother trying to be subtle: everyone knew why we were suddenly being lectured on keeping ourselves safe and making the right choices, and him going on and on about where we could get confidential advice if there was anything worrying us.
I spent the entire assembly looking at the floor and avoiding eye contact with anyone. I could feel people looking at me and nudging each other; it reminded me of the basketball incident, but about fifty times worse.
Now, though, it’s starting to become old news at school. I wonder how Alex would feel about this if she knew. I know that she wrote in her letters that she didn’t want people talking about her, but part of me thinks she’d be a lot more upset to think that people had stopped talking about her. Moved on.
Exams are over and the sixth form has mostly left. I’ve seen Sara a few times and she always smiles and waves at me, but she’s getting ready to go to university and she’s got no reason to talk to me. I didn’t even like her very much when she was Alex’s friend, but I wouldn’t mind a chat with her now and then, just to help me remember what it used to be like.
I’m sort of dreading the holidays. It’ll just be Mum and me for six long weeks and I’m not sure how we’re going to fill our time. Talking about Alex probably. Mum wondered for a while if we could go on holiday to Switzerland and I got really excited. I thought we could show Alex how much we love her and then she’d want to come back with us at the end of the holiday. But it can’t happen; it costs too much money for one thing and we can’t leave Granny and Grandpa for another.
Granny’s getting a carer in to help out with Grandpa. Mum was furious when she found out, but Granny told her she’s putting her foot down and that if Mum doesn’t have a rest soon then she’s going to go mental. Or words to that effect. Granny thought she was doing Mum a favour, but Mum explained to me that the carer will only come for five days and that by the time we got to Switzerland we’d have to come back again. She said she’d spoken to Alex about it and Alex isn’t ready to see us yet anyway. Mum phones about three times a week and speaks to her for ages, but I don’t think they really talk about any of the things that actually matter. I hear Mum t
elling Alex about our week and asking her what she’s up to, but it never sounds like they’re talking properly – not like they used to.
I heard Mum on the phone the other day to Charlie’s mum. She didn’t know I was listening, but I was just walking past and, when I realized who she was talking to, I couldn’t just walk away. So I hid on the top stair where I was out of sight, but could still hear Mum’s side of the conversation. It was a bit hard to piece together what they were saying, but Mum didn’t sound angry with Charlie’s mum, which I thought was surprising because I reckon it’s mostly his fault that this is all happening in the first place. I did manage to work out that they’ve got a plan though. Mum told Charlie’s mum that she’s being firm but fair with Alex. She said that she phones several times a week, but that she isn’t going to force Alex to take her help – that ‘those kids need to take responsibility for their actions’. Then she did a lot of ‘uh-huhing’ and ‘yes, I know’ while Charlie’s mum did the talking.
Mum was really quiet when she came off the phone. I asked her later on when we were peeling potatoes for supper if she hated Alex. She threw down her peeler and looked at me in total horror.
‘I could never hate Alex,’ she told me. ‘Or you. I thought you girls knew that?’
‘So why won’t you help her?’ I asked. I didn’t want to upset her or make the evening horrible, but I couldn’t help feeling that Mum had abandoned Alex.
‘I will help her, but she has to be ready to take my help,’ Mum said. ‘Right now she’s trying on her own and she needs to see how that works out for her. Maybe it’ll all be great and then I’ll be pleased for her, and we can figure out what she needs from us, but maybe she’ll decide that she was a bit quick to strike out alone and that she’d rather have some support. All she has to do is ask.’
I thought about this for a while, peeling more potatoes. I can’t imagine Alex asking for help – that’d be like admitting she was wrong or had failed.
‘What if she doesn’t ask?’ I said to Mum. She stared out of the window and then told me that she had to let Alex make that choice on her own. That Mum would always be there when Alex decided that she wanted her.
This is why I’m not particularly looking forward to the holidays. Endless weeks wondering what Alex is doing, and hoping that she’s OK, and trying not to think about other brilliant summers when we all went on holiday together and had so much fun.
I’m lying in the garden on a rug, trying to relax in the sunshine. Nobody has given us any homework for ages now, which means that I have absolutely nothing to do when I get home from school. I’ve decided that a person does not have to go all the way to Switzerland to enjoy good weather so I’ve dragged a rug on to the lawn and brought my book, and I’m trying to get into the holiday spirit.
Just as I start chapter six a shadow falls across my page. I groan – that is so utterly typical. It took me ages to get all sorted out here and now that I’m just starting to relax the sun has decided to disappear.
‘That’s a nice greeting!’ says a voice and I look up to see Finn standing above me. ‘Here’s me bringing you a delicious ice cream and you just groan!’
I sit up quickly and take the dripping ice cream out of his hands.
‘Yummy – thanks, Finn!’ I say, licking the drips that are running down the cone and threatening to fall on to my hand. ‘What’s this for?’
‘Can I not bring my favourite neighbour an ice cream on a hot day?’ jokes Finn, sitting down next to me on the rug and stretching out his legs. He licks his own ice cream and we sit in silence for a moment, and the only sounds are the slurping noises we make as we try to beat the heat and eat the ice creams before they melt.
‘And I felt a bit bad,’ he says, finishing the last of his cone before I’ve even managed to get halfway. I don’t know how boys manage to eat so quickly: it’s like they don’t want to enjoy their food, they just want it eaten.
‘Why do you feel bad?’ I ask him.
‘Because I’ve not been over lately. Not since Alex – well, you know.’
‘Don’t worry about it,’ I tell him. ‘Everything’s different since she left.’
I watch an ant scurrying across the grass towards a few drops of ice cream that have fallen on to the ground. Some friends quickly join it and I wonder what they’re saying to each other. Maybe stuff like ‘Come over here – there’s an ice-cream mountain!’ and ‘It’s a miracle, sent from heaven – quick, quick, eat it up before it goes for good!’
‘But just because she’s gone doesn’t mean we can’t still hang out, does it?’ asks Finn and I look at him and smile. I know it won’t happen really. Finn’s got work and friends and band practice – he hasn’t got time to hang around with me. But I’ve missed him a lot. I never realized how much time he spent in our house. I think about the fact that, when Alex left, we lost more than just her that day.
‘We can hang out, Finn,’ I tell him. ‘But I need to warn you that I’ve got a crazy social life going on at the moment. I can’t be there for you the way I used to be.’
Finn laughs and ruffles my hair and then stands up.
‘See you around, Izzy,’ he says.
‘Yeah, yeah, whatever,’ I reply, busying myself with smoothing my hair down so that he won’t see me looking sad.
‘You know where I am,’ he tells me and then walks towards the garden gate.
‘Thanks for the ice cream!’ I yell after him and he puts his hand in the air, but keeps walking away. I hope this isn’t going to be a theme for me: people leaving. I wonder when I’ll be old enough to be the one who does the walking away.
Dear Mum,
It’s been a fantastic day today. This morning we packed a picnic of cheese, bread, chocolate biscuits and oranges and went on a walk up a mountain. We followed a little path through the forest that ran alongside a really fast river. We never got to the top because around lunchtime we came out of the forest into a beautiful meadow full of flowers. It looked like something out of The Sound of Music! I was feeling a bit tired and the baby was kicking and it was really hot so we stayed there for hours, eating our picnic and sunbathing and splashing in the water – which is totally freezing by the way! It was an amazing way to spend my birthday. Can you believe it, I’m finally eighteen! Thanks so much for the money you sent – it’ll come in really useful.
Can you believe that I can feel the baby move?! It’s such a strange feeling, like having a stomach full of goldfish. I’m getting really fat now too and I had no idea that I’d feel so tired all the time.
Charlie’s been talking to his Uncle Rob about what we’d have to do to stay out here for good. Uncle Rob is going to make enquiries for us and let us know. I know that you might not want to hear that, but everything’s working out totally perfectly and we’d really like to live here and have the baby grow up in such a beautiful place.
I’ve been doing a bit of ironing for the hotel and have earned some of my own cash, which is great! And guess what I bought with my wages? A real, genuine cuckoo clock! Totally handmade in Switzerland! It works really well most of the time and it looks brilliant on the wall in our room. Charlie said I should have bought something more useful (it cost one whole week’s wages) but I told him that it was a bargain because it’s multi-purpose. It tells the time, makes our room look like a real home and makes me laugh every time the cuckoo pops out! Like three for the price of one, I told Charlie. He’s an old grouch though and made me stop it at bedtime because he said he’s tired enough without being woken up every hour by a stupid bird!
It’s early evening now and Charlie’s at work again. I’m sitting under a tree outside our chalet and it’s still really hot. I’m going to visit the doctor any day now, as soon as Monique sorts out an appointment for me. Everyone is making me feel very looked after.
I hope you’re both OK and getting used to me not being around. I’m still missing you, but it’s all fine here.
Love you forever,
Alex xxx
> PS Have you kept my bedroom the same? You said in your last email that you’ve done a major spring-clean – I hope you’ve not got rid of my stuff??!!
Roses Are Red, But Violets Are Not Actually Blue
Dear Alex,
I thought I’d write to you and tell you about what’s going on at home. School has finished now so we’re all on holiday, which is good. You’re totally wrong about the weather here by the way – it’s really hot and sunny and we’ve been spending most days outside in the garden.
Last week Mum completely surprised me. She said that we should get away and have a proper holiday after all the upset of the last few months. She said we should make the most of Granny and Grandpa having some extra help and that we could go camping for a few days. She dragged our old tent out of the attic and we went shopping in town and got a camping stove and a new sleeping bag for Mum (I used yours – Mum said you wouldn’t mind).
It was SO MUCH FUN! I wasn’t sure whether it’d be any good with just the two of us, but it was the best holiday ever! We drove for ages. Mum said it was a road trip and let me sit in the front with my feet up and the windows down and we put the radio on really loudly and sang along. You’d have loved it! Then we got to a campsite right on the beach – the only things between the sea and us were these amazing sand dunes. When we woke up every morning, we could hear the waves – it was the best sound to wake up to.
Every day was amazingly sunny. We swam in the sea and it wasn’t freezing cold like it usually is. I bought a snorkel with my holiday money and spent ages floating around, looking at all the amazing creatures on the seabed. I’m thinking that I might go to university and study to be a marine biologist when I’m older.
One night we had a campfire and toasted marshmallows and told each other scary ghost stories. I got a bit freaked out when it got really dark, but it was OK because then I could just snuggle up next to Mum, all warm in your sleeping bag, and it felt like nothing could ever scare me again.
We went for a few long walks along the sand and Mum only wanted to talk about me. She asked me all about school and my friends and what I’d like to do with the rest of the holidays, and did I feel like she gave me enough attention. I feel like this holiday has been really good for us – we’ve never had so much time together before, just the two of us.
Violet Ink Page 15
