by Z. Allora
Indigo bounced over to the flat-screen and popped the disc into the DVD player. “You’re going to love this show! I’ll put the Chinese subtitles on so you can follow the action.”
Pounding music opened the series. The characters were in an American club, but all the dancers were men. And they were grinding against each other. Styx watched as an attractive American found his friend in the bathroom.
Maybe he was sick or something?
No, he was leaning against the wall. What was he—oh!
Styx realized they were doing what he’d seen Indigo and Li doing their first night in the apartment. Right in the bathroom of the club, the guy was being… pleasured.
Stunned, Styx darted his gaze to Jin to observe his reactions.
Jin appeared riveted; his lips parted, and he licked them. Turning his face toward Styx, their gazes met for a second. The hunger in Jin’s big gray eyes stayed with Styx long after he directed his attention back to the screen.
For the next two hours, the scenes playing on the television reminded Styx of all the things he wanted but tried to avoid. Did the writers discover every dark image and fantasy he’d kept hidden from the rest of the world and put it on display?
Maybe if he’d read the subtitles, he would’ve stayed more involved in the story, but instead he watched the guys’ interactions as if being with another man was the most natural thing in the world.
He’d never seen anything like it. And all the sex…. Well, that was mind-blowing.
STYX SNEAKED onto the balcony while Indigo and Jin made dinner. He reached under the lounge chair and pulled out the hidden pack of cigarettes. He lit one and took a drag.
Ah! That’s satisfying.
He didn’t smoke much anymore—it bothered Jin—but when he got nervous, he wanted a cigarette. Queer as Folk had wrecked him. Watching those guys act exactly the way they wanted… the way he wanted…. Well, it was crazy.
Styx sucked another unhealthy drag of smoke into his lungs. When he heard the door slide open, he half hid the cancer stick and turned to see who was joining him.
Li smiled. “Only me.”
“Oh, hey.”
“Can you spare one?” Li gestured to the poorly hidden cigarette with his chin before glancing at the closed door.
“Sure.” Styx retrieved the pack from its hiding place. “Didn’t know you smoked.”
“I don’t.” Li stuck the end in his mouth and lit it with Styx’s lighter. He took a drag and smiled as he exhaled. “Indi hates when I smoke.”
Styx shared a smirk seen on bad kids across the universe. He nodded as he slid the cigarettes back into their hiding place. “Jin does too. Who ever heard of a Chinese guy not smoking?”
“Indi says smoking gives you wrinkles.” After another deep breath of smoke filling his lungs, Li added, “But sometimes it’s almost as satisfying as sex.”
Styx twisted away and directed his attention across the street to camouflage how uncomfortable the comment made him.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to….” Li placed his hands on the railing and stared out at the lake. “You know, sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere.”
“What do you mean? You always blend in.”
Li took another deep drag and slowly blew smoke out. “In America, when I visited Indigo, I feel like I’m too repressed. Here, I am too sexual.”
Styx didn’t know how to respond, so he kept his mouth shut.
Li studied the smoldering cigarette. “What did you think of the DVD?”
“Is it really like that there?” Styx hoped the question didn’t make him sound like a pervert.
Li bared his perfect teeth in a smile as he faced Styx. “No, not everywhere, but Indigo took me to some places like that. Insane.” He pivoted back to the colorful performing arts center across the street.
The building’s design was based on the Olympic building made of twisted metal, reminding one of a bird’s nest. Every night, the neon lights illuminated the entire area.
“You mean that stuff happens?” Styx asked, unable to help the question.
Li shrugged. “Yeah. I have to say, I was surprised. Some of the back rooms were….” His voice trailed off as if they shouldn’t be described.
Swallowing hard, Styx decided, against his better judgment, to request clarification. “Really? So, it is like that?”
Well, so much for relaxing with a smoke.
“Sometimes they don’t even exchange names,” Li added.
“Complete strangers?” Styx’s hands trembled as he brought the cigarette to his mouth.
“Not for long.” Li laughed at Styx’s expression. “It’s not all like that.”
“It’s not?” Styx grabbed the lifeline Li had thrown him with both hands. It might be hot, but he wasn’t the type to do that sort of thing.
“No. Two men can have a very loving, long-term, till-death-do-us-part, monogamous relationship.”
“Really?” Hopeful surprise flooded Styx’s voice despite his efforts.
Li took another drag, leaned toward Styx, and lowered his voice. “There are places where two men or two women can get married.”
“No! Come on! Really?” Li must be playing a trick on him.
“Seriously. They only did a small article on it in the Shanghai Times, but yeah. Indi told me all about it and even brought some of the newspaper clippings with him. In America, it’s legal for two men to get married.”
Styx shook his head, feeling like it might explode. “I don’t understand anything. I mean, guys aren’t supposed to like guys.”
“Doesn’t seem to matter. I always have.” Li shrugged and dropped the cigarette butt. He ground the smoldering end out with his heel, picked it up, and broke the remnants before casting them over the side of the balcony.
After another minute or two, Li asked, “You and Jin?”
“What? Oh God.” Did Li see inside him?
“It’s okay.”
“Well, um….” Styx didn’t want to lie, but he was relieved when Li held out a hand to stop him.
“You don’t have to say. I get it. Your head is probably all over the place. Before my uncle took me to live with him, I was confused about everything too.”
Styx drew in another breath of smoke. “Yeah. I mean, I never thought I could—we could—I’m from Yintang!”
He ran out of words and stared down at the traffic. A truck zoomed through the red light with only a honking of a vehicle’s magical horn. The wizardry worked, because the bicyclist pedaled fast enough to escape the wheels.
Li cleared his throat. “Does it bother you? Indi and me?”
Styx wasn’t sure about the answer to that one. Seeing them together had bewildered him, and Indigo’s perspective shook things Styx took as universal truths. However, they made the things he wanted appear within the realm of possibility.
“Does it?”
Styx snapped out of his trance. “No. It just, um, isn’t something I would’ve expected.”
“You know, Indi enjoyed you guys watching us the day we moved in.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
“It’s fine. As I said, Indigo liked it.” Li let out a bitter laugh. “Did that bother you?”
“No.” Styx’s voice cracked. He couldn’t believe they were having this conversation. He busied himself with destroying his cigarette and focused all of his attention on raining the remains over the railing.
Indigo tapped on the sliding glass door. “Dinner is served!”
STYX SIGHED as he ended the emotionally draining call with his family. Jin was in the room, watching him with worried eyes. When had he come in?
Jin didn’t say anything, but the inevitability of what was to come was written all over his face.
Styx’s parents wanted him home.
Only his grandfather wanted him to stay in Suzhou, and for now, his vote as the homeowner counted the most. Styx would remain until his family summoned him. The time frame wasn’t defined; it might be i
n six months or a year, but possibly as early as next week.
The call resurrected his—Jun Tai’s—worried inner voice, reminding him of his duty and responsibility to his family. Styx wanted to stay with Jin, but Jun Tai would do what it took to secure his family’s future. Recently his focus had been on spending time with Jin, and that was selfish.
Guilt overwhelmed him. He had to change his ways.
He couldn’t live the way he wanted; people depended on him. However enticing it was to live here, protected from the realities of the world, a relationship with Jin wasn’t a long-term possibility. They couldn’t be like Li and Indigo, even if Jin wanted a relationship with him, which was doubtful.
Styx didn’t have the luxury of freedom. He couldn’t be a character in Indigo’s American television show. This was China, and his family’s fate rested on his shoulders. Even if the weight of that burden crushed Styx’s soul, he had to put their needs first.
In that moment, it became clear. He needed to stop what he was doing with Jin. Whatever was going on could only end in heartache. If they continued down this path, how would he face the desolation of a lifetime without Jin? Maybe if they stopped now, Jin wouldn’t hate him. They’d remain friends, leaving Styx a fragment of what they’d shared here in Suzhou to see him through the empty years.
When Styx failed to speak, Jin did. “Your parents?”
“Yeah.” Without a backward glance, Styx rushed out and left Jin standing there.
STYX DIDN’T even glance over at Jin as they prepared for bed. When they climbed under the blankets, Jin didn’t open the chastity device as he had every night. Instead, he spread his arms, and Styx couldn’t stop himself from rolling into them. He inhaled Jin’s beloved scent: hair products, toothpaste, and rose oil.
He’d miss this so much.
Styx held his breath to keep it together. Jin’s arms locked around him as if to keep him safe from the thoughts that threatened to overwhelm him. Styx settled his head into the cradle of Jin’s shoulder as he exhaled.
“Just breathe,” Jin whispered. “I’ve got you.”
Styx shook as he struggled not to shatter, but it was too much to bear. Frustration, anger, sadness, fear, and confusion poured out of him, and Jin held him until he was spent. He fell asleep wrapped in the arms of the man who was everything to him, Jin’s fingers combing through his hair.
Chapter 7
STYX WOKE from a wonderful dream to find it didn’t end with his sleep. He was completely entwined with Jin. Morning sunshine poured through the window, catching sparkles in Jin’s golden hair.
Jin reminded him of the painting he’d seen when they’d ducked into Suzhou’s only church to get out of the rain. It depicted a serene, golden-haired angel. Jin exuded the same peace, as if he were happy to have slept with Styx clinging to him. How Styx hated to move, but the bathroom called.
Jin went into the bathroom after Styx exited.
Styx collapsed onto the bed. Just for a minute…. Styx’s head hurt as he recalled the conversation with his family. The weight of guilt pressed down on him, and the stab of loss overwhelmed him when he dwelled on stepping off the path he was on with Jin.
Without warning, Jin vaulted onto the bed and lay on top of Styx. He leaned over Styx’s face and demanded, “Kiss me.”
“What? No!” Styx stopped Jin as he advanced with his irresistible mouth. Duty demanded he bury whatever was happening with him and Jin. No matter what he wanted… he couldn’t.
“Kiss me!” Jin bounced on Styx’s stomach.
Styx longed for nothing more than to capture Jin’s lush mouth and kiss it the way he did in his fantasies, but he needed to be strong.
“I said, kiss me,” Jin demanded.
This was not like Jin. Styx pressed his wrist to Jin’s forehead. His skin was warm. Maybe he had a fever. “Are you sick?”
Jin’s pucker changed into a convincing pout. “Yeah, sick of asking for a kiss and not getting one.”
A kiss was the next step toward what Styx could never have, an admission of sorts. Crossing yet another line in the boundaries his society had drawn. If he stepped over it, how could he ever return to being Jun Tai?
Until now, he’d justified the other things they did because his body required the release and Jin had the key. He’d pretended Jin was helping him after his brush with death. But a kiss…. There would be no going back.
Another voice emerged from the chaos in his head. This is it. It was his second chance. Jin wouldn’t be asking if he didn’t want him.
Styx needed to choose. He groaned. “I can’t.”
“Why?” Jin pulled back to study him as if he hadn’t a clue why a simple kiss was too far.
Mmmm. To say Styx enjoyed the lean, muscled body on his was an understatement of massive proportions.
He held Jin at bay with two hands on his chest. “We’re guys.”
“I’m aware of this fact.” Jin smiled angelically as he reached between them to cup Styx through his sleep pants. His fingers petted the shaft and traced around the rings. Jin moaned a little. “You’re definitely a guy.”
“We shouldn’t.” Styx clung to reason. “Bi Yu.”
“What about her? I’m sure the farmer’s son is keeping your fiancée company until you go back to her.” Anger crept into Jin’s voice.
A slash of pain ripped through him at the reminder of where this would end. Unlike most men, he didn’t begrudge Bi Yu companionship, but he didn’t want a loveless marriage with anyone.
He loved Jin and always would.
“You know, I wouldn’t if I didn’t have to….” His words trailed off along with all the things he shouldn’t say about the path he couldn’t take.
Jin frowned and his forehead rested on Styx’s for a moment. “I know.”
Swallowing back regret, Styx wanted desperately to grab each moment he had left with Jin. To have a little of what he craved.
Whether Jin read his mind or his face, it didn’t matter. His words pushed reality away. “So, about that kiss.”
“You’re a guy.” Styx said it, but the fact was beginning to matter less to him. The lessons he’d absorbed were dissolving.
Jin chuckled and wiped at his wet eyes. “Glad you noticed.”
Styx blinked up at the most beautiful vision he could ever imagine.
Jin thrust his lust-hardened cock against Styx’s hip, causing him to inhale to keep in a needy moan. “And this guy wants to be kissed.”
He whimpered at the dare, and he rolled his hips, pressing against Jin’s palm. Not even Styx could pretend he didn’t understand the demand was about way more than a kiss.
Jin squeezed him.
Styx repeated it, trying to control his panting. “Can’t.”
“Who are you trying to convince? Me or you?”
Styx shook his head. This whole situation frustrated him. His fantasy lay on top of him, begging for a kiss, and he refused. Maybe he was the sick one if he didn’t take this chance.
“Well then, I can’t release you this morning.” Jin sounded like a haughty prince making a decree, as if Styx should go along and kiss him or he’d suffer the consequences. This wasn’t about missing an orgasm.
“That’s blackmail.” His hips stopped their unconscious roll.
Jin shifted, making Styx not care if he were being pushed into doing what he wanted to do.
Styx tried to bring this whole situation back in control. His physical and emotional desires for Jin were easier to deal with than contemplating throwing off the mantle of his responsibility of being a good son. He teased, “Are you blackmailing me, Jin?”
The flash of disappointment, at Styx choosing to hide behind jokes, was quickly replaced. Jin smirked, gray eyes dancing with mischievous intent. He ran his fingers through Styx’s long hair, making it fan over the pillow. “It’s more like bribery.”
“You can’t do that!” Styx gasped.
It was easier to focus on the physical. If he did, he could ignore the ugly reali
ty of their situation for a little while longer. Then his only worry was that he’d expire if he weren’t allowed release. The rings bit into his cock. Its eagerness was no match for the chastity device.
“Watch me.” Jin slid off Styx and lay next to him. He pushed his sleep pants down to his knees. He wrapped his fist around his perfectly portioned cock and pulled on his shaft right in front of Styx. A clear drop dripped out, rolled over the top, and down the side to ease his fist’s journey.
“No.” Styx tried not to whine, but this wasn’t fair. Jin was free, on all levels, to do as he wished, but Styx was tied to the whims of others.
“Yes,” Jin said, almost daring Styx to break out of the box he was in. His hand stroked the foreskin up and down his cock.
“It’s not fair.”
Jin worked his cock slow as he taunted Styx. “See? I can.”
“Please.” Styx pouted, feeling forced to beg.
“You know, mmmmm, this feels amazing.” Jin put his hand in front of Styx’s mouth. “Lick this, would you?”
“Oh.” Styx’s insides went hot. Jin was every erotic dream Styx ever had, sexy and uninhibited.
Staring deep into Jin’s eyes, he licked the palm of Jin’s hand.
“Mm, yeah. Get it wet for me. Thank you, Styx.” Jin wrapped his wet palm around his cock and moaned with pleasure. “That’s even better.”
Styx panted with need as he watched Jin coat his shaft with Styx’s spit.
Jin’s breath caught as his fist flew over his dick. “You know what to do. You want to. But you’d better hurry. I’m getting close.”
Styx whimpered. To want something for so long and decide not to do it when given the chance was like taking a knife to his heart.
“You want to, though. I can see it in your eyes. You’re dying to kiss me, aren’t you?” Jin’s words came out rusty and low, without a hint of teasing.
Styx swallowed hard and closed his eyes. When he blinked them open, Jin watched him, awaiting his answer.
“Yeah, forever.” His admission freed him. He wanted to do much more than kiss.
