by Z. Allora
Styx wished his newfound bliss would last forever… but nothing this wonderful could.
It was a regular Monday afternoon. Sebe had negotiated for them to have Monday and Tuesday nights off. Today was their weekend. That morning Styx had left Jin well satisfied and snoring adorably when he went out for a quick trip to the organic vegetable market. It was his turn to go shopping, and he’d never admit this to Indigo, but he really tasted the difference in the vegetables at the Japanese market. Not to mention the celery didn’t have blue dye injected into the stalks so the color would appear greener.
When he returned, he found Jin sitting on the couch clutching Styx’s phone to his chest and staring off into space.
“You okay?” Styx rushed over to Jin. “What’s wrong?”
“You left your phone here,” Jin said as if that should explain why he frowned like someone had killed his dog for a family feast.
Styx dropped to his knees in front of Jin. The bags he carried landed on either side of him. He touched his lover’s knee.
Jin jerked away and stood. “Your family called.”
The tears in his eyes told the story Styx didn’t want to hear. Jin angrily blinked them back and paced across the room.
Styx’s heart jumped into his throat. Their time was up. His heart began to break even before Jin said the words he’d always known were coming. Styx needed to unearth his Jun Tai persona.
“They made it clear to me they want you home….” Jin caught his sob before it came all the way out of his mouth. “Your mother wanted me to help convince you to move back as soon as possible.”
Styx dropped his head.
Jin paced farther away from him.
Glancing at his reason for living, Styx racked his brain to try to find an answer, another way. It was too late. Jun Tai was already clawing at the wall that had imprisoned him. Styx was being walled away, but this time instead of just hiding, he needed to disappear forever.
Jin shrugged as if the situation didn’t matter. “We knew this would happen. It’s not a surprise.”
Styx lifted his head and watched his dreams crash.
Jin hurt and Styx was without a clue on what to do. He stayed on his knees in the living room trying to….
What? Figure out what to do?
His conscience was no longer silent. There was nothing to figure out. He couldn’t deny his parents’ demands and make his own way in the world. The only thing he could do was to go home. His selfishness had gone on for far too long. His life as Styx was at an end.
Styx forced his chin up, struggling to swallow past the lump in his throat. Ice formed in his veins, and unease squirmed though his stomach. He stayed on his knees because to stand was to begin leaving everything he loved.
What about the band? Made in China had a following. He made decent money, and he sent most of it home. Maybe he’d send all of it home. Could that buy him some more time?
Why couldn’t he—no! Jun Tai broke down the rest of the wall containing him. He needed to go home and do the right thing.
“Your mother told me I should plan to come back for your wedding.” Jin’s voice broke around the hurt and pain-filled words.
“What?” This was news to Styx. There was no date set. He’d never even officially asked Bi Yu to marry him.
Jin shook his head, wrapped his arms around himself. “Yeah, she told me to expect it would be in the spring.” His lover sucked down another sob and fled, slamming the door to their bedroom.
Styx fell forward onto the sofa. He couldn’t move; all the strength in his body had vanished. To buy Styx a few months would only prolong the unavoidable. Jun Tai would follow the summons home like a good son. Whether it was now or in a few months….
Tian Di sauntered in and found Styx kneeling at the sofa. “What’s up, man? You saying your prayers or waiting to go down on Jin?”
Styx turned toward Tian Di and shook his head. He inhaled and swallowed. “Family wants me home.”
“For how long?” Tian Di’s words held a note of concern.
Shocked at the pain the admission cost him, Styx exhaled. “For good. They want me to move back.”
“You can’t. What about Made in China? And Jin?” Tian Di said it as if Styx didn’t understand what his absence would do to the band. They’d find a replacement; until then they’d use Indigo’s old synthesizer.
Styx studied the closed bedroom door and didn’t have a clue on what to do. Should he call home? Go talk to Jin? Jump off a bridge? He needed time. “I’ll be back.”
He left Tian Di standing there as he dragged himself out the door. Without much thought, he headed to the boardwalk to try to clear his head.
The weather was sunny, mocking his inner turmoil. He trudged around the lake until his feet hurt, before ambling to the pavilion where Jin did his qigong. It was pathetic, but being there gave him the false perception of being close to Jin. Styx stared at the apartment building and counted the floors to find their window, desperate for a connection. Was Jin staring out their bedroom window?
What the hell was he supposed to do? His family wanted him home. The responsible Chinese boy had to go. Jun Tai replaced Styx and all the freedom he enjoyed with responsibility. There was no real decision. But the idea of solidifying the ties between the neighbors next door, after all he had done with Jin, had become much worse than the original nightmare.
Now he understood exactly what he denied himself. The loss of what he would never have again overwhelmed him.
He should go talk to Jin. Maybe there was something they could do to prevent this from all falling apart. Or maybe he’d beg his family. Or… or he’d go home and do what he was supposed to do. Jun Tai would live up to his responsibilities by following the expectations put upon him by his family. He’d go do what a good son was supposed to do.
When he got back to the apartment, Li and Indigo sat on the couch talking with Tian Di. They paused their conversation as he entered. He assumed his departure was the topic of discussion.
He didn’t say anything to them before shuffling to his bedroom. His heart skipped a beat. Jin had opened the door. Maybe he was ready to talk.
He tiptoed in to find the room vacant and his bags sitting off to the side, packed. His side of the closet was filled with empty hangers and all of his things were gone. He opened some drawers to find them bare. All of his toiletries were out of the bathroom. It was as if he had never lived here. Jin had erased Styx completely from his room… and his life.
“Oh,” he said out loud to the empty room. Pain stabbed him in the heart.
On their bed, now Jin’s bed, the key to his belt with a simple note: “This doesn’t belong to me anymore.”
Styx swallowed down all the hurt and heartbreak that threatened to shatter him.
He grabbed the necklace with his key and put it around his neck, trying not to think about all he’d miss. He was Jun Tai. Styx was gone except for the memories.
All the acceptance he’d gained of who he was had no place where he was headed. The independence to be who he was and who he wanted to become didn’t matter. He’d be who his family expected and commanded him to be.
Li’s uncle had been right. He was careless. Styx broke both Jin’s heart and his own in the process. He shouldn’t have permitted himself this kind of liberty. He didn’t have the luxury the other band members had.
Styx had a family. He choked back the devastation, and he grabbed his suitcases.
All eyes turned to him as he trudged out of the bedroom. “Um, guys. I have to, um….” He didn’t have the words.
Styx stared at his former bandmates. Broken. He desperately tried to hold together because if he let the shattered parts of him hit the ground he’d never fit back together again. “I’m sorry.”
When they didn’t say anything, he gestured toward the door. “Is Jin…?”
Li gave him a look of sympathy and shook his head. “No. He left.”
Of course he did. He wouldn’t want to make it an
y harder on Styx… on Jun Tai.
Indigo stood. “I rented a car. I’ll drive you.”
“What? You don’t have to do that.” Styx didn’t know what else to say. He planned on the long train ride home to come to terms with his life, but with a ride he’d get there and get on with it.
“It’s no problem. I’m happy to help you out.” Indigo leaned down and kissed Li.
He couldn’t watch, but he did manage a “Thank you.”
Tian Di and Li both gave him quick backslapping hugs.
“Come back soon,” Li whispered in his ear. “Made in China needs you, and so does Jin.”
Styx opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. He snatched his stuff and dragged himself out the door for the final time.
HE’D NEVER been in such a fancy car before. Indigo had rented a shiny black Lamborghini. Styx was positive he’d never gone this fast before in his life. They must be well over the speed limit. He stared out the window until Indigo broke the silence.
“You didn’t like me when we first met, huh?” Indigo stared at him through the window’s reflection.
“What? I never said that.” Styx tried to deny it. It was more being uncomfortable about who Indigo was and how much he wished he could be like him.
“Nah, you didn’t have to. I’m not stupid. I have this way about me; I guess it pisses people off.” Indigo laughed a bit self-consciously. “Plus, I bet I was the first person you met who was openly gay.”
“You were. I mean, I thought Jin’s uncle was different, but I didn’t quite put it together.”
Indigo turned his head in surprise. “I still don’t get how you could not know you were gay.”
“Don’t know. Coming from my hometown, I’d never seen it as a possibility.” He mused because he was still trying to understand it himself.
“Want a Coke Light?” Indigo picked an unopened bottle out of the cup holder. Usually he guarded his stash of diet soda jealously. “I brought plenty for the trip.”
“No.” Styx stared out the window some more, hoping the conversation was over.
Indigo cleared his throat before asking, “Were you, like, in the closet before Li and I moved in or what?”
“Huh?” Styx turned to Indigo hoping a visual would help him out of his total confusion. What was the guy talking about now?
“You know, gay but keeping it on the DL.”
“DL?”
Indigo laughed. “We need Li here to translate. It’s funny… even though I speak Mandarin, you never know what the hell I’m talking about most of the time.”
Styx snorted and nodded in agreement. “I really don’t. Are you saying something important?” He asked with a teasing smile until he realized he might never see Indigo after today. Somehow this irritating guy had become a friend—a good one.
Indigo grinned. “DL means on the down-low.” Taking his eyes off the road once again, he figured out Styx still didn’t get what he was talking about. “Keeping it a secret.”
“Keeping what a secret?” he asked, being purposefully dense to piss Indigo off. Tian Di was right—it was a fun pastime. A bit of regret rolled through Styx. He’d miss their lead singer too.
Indigo rolled his eyes. “Being gay.”
Focusing on the scenery as it whizzed by, Styx glanced over at the dashboard. “Hey, you’re going one hundred and fifty!”
Indigo glanced down and shrugged. “You said you wanted to get there fast.”
“Not so fast.” Styx wanted it to be over, but he wished the ride would never end.
“This is less than a hundred miles an hour, right?” Indigo asked, still not getting the whole kilometer thing.
Styx did the math quickly. “Yeah.”
“Then we’re fine. No one’s on the road,” Indigo reasoned, but he dropped his speed a bit. “So answer.”
Styx sighed but he answered the original question. “Yeah, I guess I am what you would consider gay on the DL.”
A small weight seemed to lift. He’d never admitted his sexuality out loud, not even to Jin.
Nodding, Indigo asked, “Did you always know?”
“Maybe. I guess. Though I didn’t want to know. I tried to ignore it. Thought my desires would go away. Did you feel like that?”
Indigo shook his head. “No, I was lucky enough to grow up in the gay bubble of LA. My father created a place where gay was the norm.”
“Wow, I didn’t realize your father was gay. What was growing up with a gay dad like?” Styx couldn’t imagine his father liking men. It was so far outside the realm of possibilities it seemed ridiculous.
“I had lots and lots of uncles come through my life, even though my dad is an only child.” He stared at Styx and must have read the question. “The uncles were his boyfriends. Some stayed with us, but usually only for a few months. My dad never stayed with one for long.”
Styx noticed Indigo appeared bothered, but he continued, “So he married to have you?”
Indigo laughed. “Of course not.”
“But how did he have you?”
“Dad decided he wanted a baby, and with the help of a doctor, he quietly hired a womb. I met her a couple of times when I was little, but she had no interest in a child, just the money Dad gave her to carry me.”
Styx wanted to make sure he wasn’t missing something. “So they never married?”
Indigo stared over at Styx, tilting his head one way then the other as if trying to figure something out. Styx was relieved when Indigo’s eyes returned to the road ahead of them. “No. As I said, my dad is gay.”
Styx wanted to change the subject. “China must be really very strange for you.”
“You’re telling me. Seriously, I feel like I’m in one huge closet here. I mean, walking around the lake, my gaydar goes off constantly, and those guys are married or getting married.”
Styx smiled. He liked the word gaydar. It was a fun word. He was never comfortable enough to say gaydar, and would now miss never having the opportunity.
Indigo considered him for a moment before he turned back to the road. “You really have changed in the past few months. You aren’t out, but you’re open in the apartment. And it’s really cool.”
Yeah, cool. Styx headed home to get married to make his family happy and all traces of what he’d allowed himself to become would vanish. It was awesome….
Indigo lowered his window and continued talking. “Li tried to tell me what it was like here, but until I got here—” He glanced over at him and smiled. “—I didn’t realize the closet could be so fucking deep.”
He nodded.
Shaking his perfectly groomed head of hair, Indigo said, “Now back to you. Why are you engaged to a girl? Li said you were engaged to the girl next door and have been for years. What the hell is that about?”
How did Styx explain to someone who’d never allowed pressure to affect any of their decisions let alone alter their future? “I never asked her to marry me, and I never really agreed to be engaged. Our engagement was assumed. My parents and her parents believe it’s an excellent idea.”
“But you’re gay!” Indigo raised his voice and pointed out the obvious as if that information was a piece of the puzzle Styx hadn’t comprehended.
As it was only the two of them in the car, he decided there was no sense denying it. “It doesn’t matter. A child needs to have a child to protect their family, and here a child means marriage.”
“Huh?”
“Li said in America you have programs to take care of the old people.”
Indigo shrugged. “We do right now, but for how long is anyone’s guess.”
“Well, here having a child is like old age insurance.”
“But only one child, right?”
“The one-child law recently changed.”
Indigo nodded. “But before you said you had a sister. Did your parents break the law, were they only children, or are you from one of the minority groups that was encouraged to have more kids?”
&n
bsp; “No. But my grandfather paid the fine for my father to have more children, which is why I have a sister.”
Indigo shook his head, as if doing so would help him to understand. “Okay, whatever. But parents want their children to have children. It ensures they’re taken care of when they are old.”
“Right. Which also explains why, for a long time, parents wanted to have a boy.” When Indigo appeared lost, Styx explained a simple fact. “Men make more money than females.”
Indigo snorted. “In America, you’d get your ass kicked for saying that… even though according to the statistics, it’s still true there too.”
Taking a moment to stare at him before his eyes drifted back to the empty road, Indigo asked a delicate question, “Do they still abort female babies?”
“In some places. Usually out in Western China, but not in the big cities. It’s actually illegal to abort based on the gender, but there are ways around it… as with everything else.”
“Money solves most problems.” Indigo nodded, encouraging Styx to continue.
“Yeah, and now parents are starting to believe girl babies take care of them better than the sons, regardless of income.”
Indigo took a sip of soda and sighed in understanding the bottom line. “Being gay means no social security.” Indigo followed the rationale to the conclusion. “No one to take care of the old people. So by forcing you to marry, they think they’re taking care of you.”
Styx swallowed down the acid those words brought up and nodded. “Some places even have marriage markets where parents with unwed kids meet and exchange résumés and pictures.”
“No way!” Indigo’s head turned abruptly and his mouth was open wide. “And it doesn’t matter if their kids even want to get married?”
He shrugged.
Indigo shook his head as if he were trying to understand; he was quiet until he fairly shouted, “That fucking sucks!”
