He sighed, and rested his head on the back of the chair as if it had grown too heavy to hold up. Through half-closed eyes he watched the Healer pale and grow agitated.
“We can't - I mean, King Randale's needs come first, of course,” the man stammered. “I'll speak to - I'll see that you aren't disturbed any more today, Bard Stefen -”
“I don't know,” Stefen said weakly. “I hope that will be enough, but I'm so tired -”
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Medren with his fist shoved into his mouth, strangling on his own laughter.
“Never mind, Bard,” the Healer said, strangling on his own words. “We'll do something about all this - I -”
And with that, he turned and fled. Medren doubled up in silent laughter, and Stefen preened, feeling enormously .pleased with himself.
“I really am tired, you know,” he said with a grin, when Medren began to wheeze. “I honestly am.”
“Lord and Lady!” the Journeyman gasped. “I know but - good gods, you should go on the stage!” He clasped the back of his hand to his forehead, and swooned theatrically across the back of his chair. “Oh la, good sir, I do believe I shall fai - ”
The pillow caught Medren squarely in the face.
All right, Stefen thought, carefully putting his gittern back in its case. I've left you alone except for simple politeness for three days, Herald Vanyel. Let's see if you respond to being ignored. He began tightening the buckles holding the case closed. I've never known anyone yet who could deal with that.
He suppressed a smile as he caught Vanyel making his way through the crowd, obviously coming in Stefs direction. Looks like you won't be the first to be the exception to the rule.
“Bard Stefen?” Vanyel's voice was very low, with a note of hesitancy in it.
Stefen looked up, and smiled. He didn't have to feign the hint of shyness that crept into the smile; Vanyel still affected him that way. “I can't get used to that,” he confessed, surprising himself with the words. “People calling me Bard Stefen, I mean. I keep looking around to see who you're talking to.”
Vanyel smiled, and Stefen's throat tightened. “I know what you mean,” he said. “If it hadn't been that I spent the winter with the Hawkbrothers and had gotten used to wearing white, I would have spent half every morning for the first couple of months trying to figure out whose Whites had gotten into my wardrobe.”
Do I - no, I don't think so. Every time I've tried to touch him, he's started to respond, then pulled back. Let's keep things casual, and see if that works.
“I sometimes wish I'd never gotten Scarlets,” Stef said, instead of trying to touch Vanyel's hand. “I never have any time for myself anymore. And I don't recognize myself anymore when I look in the mirror. I used to know how to have fun. . . .”
Vanyel relaxed just the tiniest bit, and Stefen felt a surge of satisfaction. Finally, finally, I'm reading him right.
The crowd was almost gone now, and Stefen wondered fleetingly what business had been transacted this time. He wouldn't know unless someone told him.
“You did a good day's work, Bard Stefen,” Vanyel said, as if reading his mind. “Randi was able to judge three inter-family disputes that have been getting worse for the past year or more. I'll make you an offer, Stefen - if you promise not to get so intoxicated you can't navigate across the grounds.” Vanyel smiled, teasingly. “We'll have dinner in my quarters, and you can show me those bar-chords you promised to demonstrate the night you played your fingers to bits.”
I did? I don't remember promising that. For a moment Stefen was startled, because he thought he remembered everything about that evening. Then he suppressed a smile.
Clever, Herald Vanyel. A nice, innocent excuse. And you might even believe it. Well, I'll take it.
“I don't make a habit of getting falling-down drunk, Herald,” he replied, with a grin to take the sting out of the words. “And since the food is much better at the Palace, I'll accept that offer.”
“You mean you're only interested in the food?” Vanyel laughed. “I suppose my conversation hasn't much impressed you.”
He's a lot more relaxed. I think Medren's right, I'm either going to have to coax him or ambush him, and in either case I'm going to have to keep things very casual or I'll scare him off again. Damn. Stefen stood up and slung his gittern case over one shoulder before replying.
“Actually, I am much more interested in someone who'll talk to me,” he said. “I'm not exactly the most popular Bard in the Collegium right now.”
Vanyel grimaced. “Because of being advanced so quickly?”
Stefen nodded, and picked up his music carrier. “I had only just made Journeyman, and a lot of Bards resent my being jumped up like I was. A lot of the apprentices and Journeymen do, too. I can't say as I blame them too much, but I'm getting tired of being treated like a leper.”
He fell into step beside Vanyel, and the two of them left through the side door.
“At least the Council's put it about that the whole promotion was at Herald Shavri's request,” he continued. “That makes it a little more palatable, at least to some of the older ones. And the younger Bards can't claim I earned it in bed - that's one blessing, however small.”
Vanyel raised one eyebrow at that last statement, but didn't comment. “I got something of the same treatment, though not for too long,” the Herald told him. “Since it was Savil that gave me my Whites, there was an awful lot of suspicion of nepotism, or sympathy because of 'Lendel. ...”
The Herald's expression grew remote and saddened for a moment, then he shook his head. “Well, fortunately, Heralds being what they are, that didn't last too long. Especially not after Savil got herself hurt, and I cleaned out that nest of hedge-wizards up north. I pretty much proved then and there that I'd earned my Whites.”
“I'm afraid I won't be able to do anything that spectacular,” Stef replied, lightly. “It's not in the nature of the job for a Bard to do anything particularly constructive.”
Instead of laughing, the Herald gave Stefen a peculiar, sideways look. “I think you underestimate both yourself and the potential power of your office, Stefen,” he said.
Stefen laughed. “Oh, come now! You don't really expect me to agree with that old cliche that music can change the world, do you?”
“Things usually become cliched precisely because there's a grain of truth in them,” was the surprising answer. “And - well, never mind. I expect you're right.”
They had reached the Herald's Wing, that bright, wood-paneled extension of the Old Palace. Vanyel's room was one of the first beyond the double doors that separated the wing from the rest of the Palace. Vanyel held one of the doors open for Stef, then stepped gracefully around him and got the door to his own room open.
Stefen put his burdens down just inside the door, and arched his back in a stretch. “Brightest Havens -” he groaned. “- I feel as stiff as an old bellows. I bet I even creak.”
“You're too young to creak,” Vanyel chuckled, and pulled the bell-rope to summon a servant. “I don't suppose you play hinds and hounds, do you?”
Stefen widened his eyes, and assumed a patently false expression of naivete. “Why, no, Herald Vanyel - but I'd love to learn.”
Vanyel laughed out loud. “Oh, no - you don't fool me with that old trick! You've probably been playing for years.”
“Since I could talk,” Stef admitted. “Can't blame me for trying.”
“Since I might have done the same to you, I suppose I can't.” Vanyel gestured at the board set up on the table. “Red or white?”
“Red,” Stef replied happily. “And since you're the strategist, you can spot me a courser.”
Stefen moved his gaze-hound into what he thought was a secure position, and watched with dismay as Vanyel captured it with a lowly courser. Then, to add insult to injury, the Herald maneuvered that same courser into the promotion square and exchanged it for a year-stag.
“Damn!” he exclaimed, seeing his pack in imminent da
nger of being driven off, and taking steps to retrench his forces. The “hind” side of hounds and hinds was supposed to be the weaker, which was why the better player took it. It was usually considered a good game if the play ended in stalemate.
Vanyel beat him about half the time.
It looked as though this game was going to end in defeat too. Three moves later, and Stef surveyed the board in amazement, unable to see any way out. Vanyel's herd had trapped his pack, and there was no way out.
“I yield,” he conceded. “I don't know how you do it. You always take the hinds, and I can count the number of times I've won on one hand.”
Vanyel replaced the carved pieces in their box with thoughtful care. “I have a distinct advantage,” he said, after a long pause. “Until Randi got so sick that Shavri was spending all her time keeping him going, I helped guard the Karsite Border. I have a lot of experience in taking on situations with unfavorable odds.”
“Ah,” Stef replied, unable to think of anything else to say. He watched Vanyel's hands, admiring their strength and grace, and tried not to think about how much he wanted those hands to be touching something other than game pieces.
Ever since he'd stopped pursuing Van and started keeping things strictly on the level of “friendship,” he'd found himself spending most evenings with the Herald. He was learning an enormous amount, and not just about hinds and hounds. Economics, politics, the things Vanyel had experienced over the years - it was fascinating, if frustrating. Being so near Vanyel, and yet not daring to court him, overtly or otherwise - Stef had never dreamed he possessed such patience.
This was an entirely new experience; wanting someone and being unable to gratify that desire.
It was a nerve-wracking experience, yet it was not completely unpleasant. He was coming to know Vanyel, the real Vanyel, far better than anyone else except Herald Savil. That was not a suspicion; he'd had the fact confirmed more than once, by letting some tidbit of information slip in conversations with Medren. And Medren would give him a startied look that told Stefen that once again, he'd been told something Vanyel had never confided to anyone else.
He knew Van better than he'd ever known any lover. And for all this knowledge, the Herald was still a mystery. He was no closer to grasping what music Vanyel moved to than he had been when this all began.
Which made him think of something else to say after all.
“Van?” he ventured. “You hated it out there - but you sound as if you wish you were back on the Border.”
Vanyel turned those silver eyes on him and stared at him for a moment. “I suppose I did,” he said, finally. “I suppose in a way I do. Partially because it would mean that Randi was in good enough health that Shavri could take her own duties up again -”
Stef shook his head. “There was more to it than that. It sounded like you wanted to be out there.”
Vanyel looked away, and put the last of the pieces in their padded niches. “Well, it's rather hard to explain. It's miserable out there on the lines, you're constantly hungry, wet, cold, afraid, in danger - but I was doing some good.”
“You're doing good here,” Stefen pointed out.
Vanyel shook his head. “It's not the same. Any reasonably adept diplomat could do what I'm doing now. Any combination of Heralds could supply the same talents and Gifts. The only reason it's me is Randi's need and Randi's whims. I keep having the feeling that I could be doing a lot more good if I was elsewhere.”
Stefen sprawled back in his chair, studying the Herald carefully. “I don't understand it,” he said at last. “I don't understand you Heralds at all. You're constantly putting yourselves in danger, and for what? For the sake of people who don't even know you're doing it, much less that you're doing it for them, and who couldn't point you out in a crowd if their lives depended on it. Why, Van?”
That earned him another strange stare from the Herald, one that went on so long that Stef began to think he'd really said something wrong this time. “Van - what's the matter? Did I -”
Vanyel seemed to come out of a kind of trance, and blinked at him. “No, it's quite all right, Stef. It's just - this is like an echo from the past. I remember having exactly this same conversation with 'Lendel - except it was me asking 'Why?' and him trying to tell me the reasons.” Vanyel looked off at some vague point over Stefen's head. “I didn't understand his reasons then, and you probably won't understand mine now, but I'll try to explain. It has to do with a duty to myself as much as anything else. I have these abilities. Most other people don't. I have a duty to use them, because I have a duty to myself to be the kind of person I would want to have as a - a friend. If I don't use my abilities, I'm not only failing people who depend on me, I'm failing myself. Am I making sense?”
“Not really,” Stefen confessed.
Vanyel sighed. “Just say that it's a need to help - could you not sing and play? Well, I can't not help. Not anymore, anyway. And it doesn't matter if anyone knows what I'm doing or not; I know, and I know I'm doing my best. And because of what I'm doing, things are better for other people. Sometimes a great many other people.”
“This is loyalty, right?” Stefen hazarded.
“Only in being loyal to people in general, and not any one land. I could no more have let those farmers in Hardorn be enslaved than I could have our own people.” Vanyel leaned forward earnestly. “Don't you see, Stef? It's not that I'm serving Valdemar, it's that I'm helping to preserve the kind of people who leave the world better than they found it, and trying to stop the ones who take instead of giving.”
“You sound like one of those Tayledras -”
“I am. Moondance himself has said so more than once. Their priority is for the land, and mine is for the people - but that's at least in part because the land is so damaged where they live.” Vanyel smiled a little. “I wish you could see them, Stef. You'd want to write a thousand songs about them.”
“If they're so wonderful, why are people afraid of them?” Stefen asked. “And why aren't you and Savil?”
Vanyel laughed at that. “Let me tell you about the first time I ever worked with Moondance -”
The story was almost enough to make Stefen forget his frustration.
Six
Damn!” Medren swore, pounding the arm of his chair. “This is stupid! I swear to you, my uncle is about to drive me mad!”
The windows to Stefen's room were open to the summer evening, and Medren was trying to keep his voice down to prevent everybody in the neighborhood from being privy to their plight. Stef evidently didn't care who overheard them. “About to drive you mad?” Stefen's voice cracked, and Medren winced in sympathy. Stef was pulling at his hair, totally unaware that he was doing so, and looked about ready to climb the walls. He shifted position so often that his chair was doing a little dance around the room, a thumblength at a time.
“I know, I know, it's a lot worse for you. I'm just frustrated. You're -” Medren paused, unable to think of a delicate way to put it.”
“I'm celibate, that's what I am!” Stefen growled, lurching to his feet and beginning to pace restlessly. “I'm worse than celibate. I'm fixated. It's not just that Vanyel isn't cooperating, it's that I don't want anyone else anymore, and the better I know him, the worse it gets!” He stopped dead in his tracks, suddenly, and stared out the window for a moment. “I'm never happier than when I'm around him. I sometimes wonder how long I'm going to be able to stand this. There are times when I can't think of anything but him.”
Medren stared at his friend, wondering if Stefen had really listened to himself just now. Because what he'd just described was the classic reaction of a lifebonded. . . .
Stef and Uncle Van? No. Not possible; not when Van has already been lifebonded once... Or is it? Is there a rule somewhere that lifebondings can only happen once in a lifetime, even if you lose your bondmate?
A lifebonding would certainly explain a great deal of Stef's behavior. Medren had long ago given up on trying to second-guess his uncle. Vanyel was
far too adept at hiding what he felt, even from himself.
“So, what have we tried so far?” Medren said aloud. Stef at least stopped pacing long enough to push his hair out of his eyes and count up all the schemes they'd concocted on his fingers.
“We tried getting him drunk again. He didn't cooperate. We tried that trip to the hot springs. That almost worked, except that we got company right when it looked like he was going to break down and do something. We tried every variation on my hurting myself and him having to help me, and all I got were bruises in some fascinating places.” Stefen gritted his teeth. “We tried my asking him for a massage for my shoulder muscles. He referred me to a Healer. The only thing we haven't tried is catching him asleep and tying him up.”
“Don't even think about that!” Medren said hastily. “Listen, first of all, you won't catch him asleep, and secondly, even if you did - you wouldn't want to be standing there if he mistook you for an enemy.”
Like the last time he was home, when that idiot with the petition tried to tackle him in the bath. Medren shuddered. I know Grandfather said he needed to replace the bathhouse - but that wasn't the best way to get it torn down.
“He wouldn't hurt me,” Stefen said with absolute certainty.
“Don't bet on that,” Medren replied, grimly. “Especially if he doesn't know it's you. I've seen what he can do, and you wouldn't want to stand in the way of it. If he wants to level something or someone, he will, and anything in between him and what he wants to flatten is going to wind up just as flat as his target.”
“No,” Stef denied vehemently. “No - I swear to you, I know it. No matter what, he wouldn't hurt me.”
Medren just shook his head and hoped Stef would never have to test that particular faith. “All right,” he said after a moment's thought. “What about this -”
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