Return of the Thin Man: Two never-before-published novellas featuring Nick & Nora Charles

by Dashiell Hammett

  Nick looks from Church to the woman.

  She smiles reassuringly at Nick and says: “He’s nuts, and, if you listen to him, he’ll have you nuts, too.”

  Nick asks her: “Do you know what this is all about?”

  Church says: “It’s all simple enough. Some years ago the Colonel and I got in a jam and I took the fall for him on his promise that he’d see I didn’t lose by it. But he ran out on me and when I got out of prison last month I went to see him to give him a chance to make good in a financial way, which is the only way that means anything to me. He said no soap, so I went on down to Cuba, knowing sooner or later I’d figure out some way to collect from him. My first night there I had a dream about him being killed. You can laugh if you want, and Smitty will laugh with you, but I don’t laugh at my dreams. So I came on back, hoping to make the Colonel listen to reason before it was too late. And on the way back I had the dream again. I went to see the old boy and told him about the dreams, hoping to shake him loose from a few dollars, but you know how pig-headed he is, so there was nothing else for me to do but hang around on the off-chance that something would happen to loosen him up before I had the third dream, because the third one’s the end on my schedule.” He takes a deep breath. “Well, last night I had the third dream.”

  Nick: “How does he die in those dreams?”

  Church: “Oh, he’s all battered up, throat cut from ear to ear—it’s all very messy—just the kind of death you’d expect the slob to have.”

  Nick: “It would be funny if it happened that way.”

  Church: “It’s funnier that it didn’t, though I’m glad enough to know I don’t have to say goodbye yet to my chances of getting money out of him. Listen, are you sure he was all right this morning?”

  Nick: “He wasn’t up when I left.”

  Church, somewhat excitedly: “Had anybody else seen him?”

  Nick: “Not that I know of.”

  Church jumps up, exclaiming: “That’s it, then!” He puts his hands in his pockets and walks the length of the room, scowling thoughtfully at the floor.

  Smitty smiles at Nick, putting a forefinger up to her temple and making little circular movements with it.

  Nick: “You’ve got a lot of faith in your dreams.”

  Church, absent-mindedly: “Why not?” He sits down again, studying Nick. “Well, that’s the end of him as a possible gold mine. Now we’ve got to think about you.”

  Nick: “Me?”

  Church, still thoughtfully: “He was a hard man to do business with and I’ve got a hunch you’re going to be even harder.”

  Nick: “Then why bother with me? I can introduce you to a lot of rich people.”

  Church, ignoring this suggestion: “On the other hand, you look like a reasonable chap. Do you think we could talk business?”

  Nick: “You’d have to show me why we should first.”

  Church: “Don’t kid me. Your wife’s father was MacFay’s partner back in the days when my foot slipped.”

  Nick: “He was MacFay’s partner in some deals, not in others. Prove to me that he had anything to do with this deal, and I’ll give you a check right now for whatever you think is reasonable pay for your time in the pen.”

  Church sighs. “Yes, that’s always the catch in it—proof. Nobody but me was putting anything on paper, Charles. That’s why nobody but me went over. I expected this. I knew you were going to be tough to deal with. And I can’t honestly tell you I’ve ever dreamed about you”—a pause—“or about your wife”—another pause—“or about your baby”—a longer pause—“yet.”

  Nick, starting his punch before he leaves his chair, jumps up and hits Church in the eye, knocking Church and his chair over backwards. Dum-Dum whips a wooden-handled knife from his waistband (the same one seen sticking from his chest when he lay in the road the previous night) and throws it at Nick. The knife slits Nick’s coat in passing and sticks in a wall.

  Church, on the floor, says sharply: “Stop it, Dum-Dum!”

  Smitty, shaking her head in disapproval, says: “Men are such rowdies,” and raises her skirt to return her pistol to its holster on her thigh.

  Asta, always a great help, charges across the room after the knife, jumps up, pulls it from the wall, takes it to Dum-Dum, and then backs away from him, barking happily, tail wagging, waiting for him to throw it again.

  Church stands up patting his eye. His face is calm.

  Nick: “That’s to remind you not to dream about my family.”

  Church: “Oh, I’ll remember all right.” He addresses Dum-Dum: “Finish packing. We’ll catch the noon train.”

  Nick: “Still heading for Cuba?”

  Church: “Still Cuba. I need time to think you over, and that’s a good place to think. If you get down that way before I come back to see you, look me up. Sometimes I dream about roulette wheels.”

  Nick: “You’re coming back to see me sometime?”

  Church: “Yep. I think as time goes on you’ll see your way clear to do business with me.”

  Nick, indicating Church’s bruised eye: “You mean continue doing business with you.” He calls Asta and goes to the door, where he turns and bows to Smitty, saying: “Thanks for not shooting me.”

  Smitty smiles good-naturedly, says: “It would’ve only made things worse.”

  The coupe and the hoarse-voiced man are no longer on the hilltop.

  At MacFay’s, Nora—with the baby—Lois, Horn, and Freddie are swimming. They come out of the pool as Nick approaches.

  Nora, looking at the rip in Nick’s coat: “What have you been doing now?”

  Nick: “Asta plays too rough.”

  Nora: “It’s not a tear, it’s been cut.”

  Nick: “Uh-huh. A very peculiar thing happened. We were going down the hill to see Church, walking along, minding our own business, not bothering anybody, when who should we meet but three very old women, all bent over like this, walking along—”

  Nora: “Minding their own business, not bothering anybody. Did you see Church?”

  Nick: “Yes, ma’am.”

  Nora, after waiting a moment for him to go on: “Well, don’t be so coy. Speak up. What did he say and what clever replies did you make?”

  Nick: “You’re a tough audience, Mrs. Charles.”

  Horn: “How did you make out with him?”

  Nick says: “He had his third dream last night and was packing to head for Cuba on the noon train when I left.”

  Horn laughs.

  Lois turns to look up at the house, saying in a frightened voice: “You mean he dreamed Papa was—”

  Nick finishes the sentence for her—“Dead.”

  Horn puts his arm around Lois: “Come, darling, don’t be foolish.” Then he looks uncertainly at Freddie, who clears his throat nervously.

  Lois looks from one to the other and insists: “Has anybody seen Papa this morning?” None of them had. Without another word, she turns and runs toward the house, with the others following.

  They go to Colonel MacFay’s room. He is huddled on the bed in a grotesque position, with the covers in disarray over him. Horn peers down at MacFay’s face while Nick bends over to feel his pulse.

  MacFay sits up in bed and says angrily: “The first decent sleep I’ve had in weeks and you have to come in like a pack of wet Indians and spoil it! What do you want?”

  Leaving Lois to pacify him, the others sneak out sheepishly.

  Nick and Nora are in their room packing when MacFay comes in and asks: “What is this Lois tells me about your going back to the city today?”

  Nora says: “We have to, Colonel MacFay. We—well, this is no place for the baby the way things are.”

  “The baby?” MacFay glares at Nick Jr.—“He’s big enough to—” then breaks off and begins to whine: “Nobody’s doing anything to the baby. It’s me that’s in danger—it’s me you’re deserting.” He turns to Nick. “Besides, I haven’t had a chance to talk to you. There are things you ought to know about the b
usiness—about your investments.”

  Nick, interested: “What things?”

  Horn appears in the doorway and says: “I phoned the village to check up, and they really did leave on the noon train.”

  MacFay says irritably: “What are you talking about?”

  Horn explains: “Church told Charles this morning that he was leaving for Cuba, and he got off all right, with a trunk and a lot of bags, and the Negro and a tall woman.”

  MacFay turns to Nora: “See, my dear, they’ve gone. There’ll be no more trouble.”

  Nora looks undecidedly from MacFay to Nick.

  MacFay pats her on the cheek and says: “There, there, my dear, as a favor to an old man—an old friend of your father’s.”

  He goes out.

  Nora looks at Nick, asks: “What do we do?”

  Nick, staring after MacFay, says: “It’s a shame the way I’m beginning to distrust that old duffer.”

  Nora: “Stop being so silly. He was Father’s partner. He wouldn’t—”

  Nick: “Maybe it wasn’t so smart leaving him in control of the businesses our money is invested in all these years. He might’ve come to look on our money as practically his own.”

  Nora: “Stop it!”

  Nick: “I don’t care about myself. I can always make a good living as a detective. But what are you and Nicky going to live on? That’s what I worry about at night.”

  Nora kicks him.

  MacFay and Horn go into a room furnished as an office, where Freddie is sitting at a typewriter.

  Freddie jumps up on his feet and says: “Good morning, Colonel MacFay.”

  MacFay walks past Freddie and fishes a discarded piece of carbon paper from the wastebasket. “You could have used this a time or two more.”

  Freddie says: “I’m sorry, I—”

  MacFay cuts him short. “Being sorry doesn’t bring back money that’s wasted.” He sits down at his desk. “Tell Lois I want to see her.”

  Freddie goes out.

  MacFay starts to look at his mail, complaining: “That boy’s not worth the room he takes up. Do you know what I found him doing yesterday? Practicing a kind of tap-dance with the typewriter keys.”

  Horn, standing at the window, says casually: “I think Freddie’s mind is more on Lois than it is on his work.”

  MacFay says: “Lois? Ridiculous! I’ll kick him out so fast it’ll make his head swim.”

  Horn, still casually, says: “I’ve got a young cousin that might suit you if you are going to make a change—a smart boy just out of law school.”

  MacFay looks suspiciously at Horn and whines: “I’ve had enough of people’s relations. None of them are ever any good.” He returns his attention to his mail.

  Horn shrugs and looks out of the window at Lois crossing the lawn with Freddie.

  She is asking: “Is Papa in a very bad humor this afternoon?”

  Freddie answers: “You won’t like me to say it, but not much worse than usual.”

  She pats his arm and says: “Be a little patient, Freddie. He’s not well, and he hasn’t had an easy life, and now that he’s getting old I know that he is difficult sometimes. But if you knew him as well as I do, you’d know he doesn’t mean one-tenth of the things he says.”

  Freddie exclaims: “Be a little patient? Good lord! When I think of the things I’ve had to put up with. If it hadn’t been for you—”

  She puts her hand on his arm and says: “I know, I know, and I’m grateful.”

  They go into the house.

  When they come into the room where MacFay and Horn are, MacFay looks up from his correspondence and asks point-blank: “See here, Lois, has this young nitwit been making googoo eyes at you?”

  Lois and Freddie look at him dumbfounded.

  Horn says good-naturedly: “Come, come, Colonel MacFay, if there was anything like that, it seems to me I ought to be the one to ask questions.”

  MacFay, ignoring Horn, says to Lois: “Answer me. Has he been making love to you?”

  Horn, scowling at MacFay, says bluntly: “This is pretty damned insulting to all three of us.”

  Lois cries: “Papa—how can you say things like that?”

  Freddie, the last to recover his speech, says, half in tears: “This is too much. I’m through—I’m leaving!” He starts out the door, then turns back and yells: “I know Lois is engaged to Dudley, but my feelings for her are my own business!”

  MacFay, thus outnumbered, whines: “How am I going to know what’s going on if I don’t ask? Everybody hides everything from me. You all think I’m just a useless old fool.”

  Lois goes over to him, runs her hand over his head, and says: “No we don’t, but sometimes you are a problem. Won’t you ever learn not to say these terrible things to people?”

  Horn goes out after Freddie, who has left the room, and catches him at the head of the stairs, saying: “You’re not going to be foolish, are you?”

  Freddie says: “I’m going away.”

  Horn says: “Don’t do it, kid. Lois is going to feel that it’s partly her fault. You ought to know what to expect from the old man by now.”

  Freddie says: “But I couldn’t stay—I feel too ashamed.”

  Horn says: “So do Lois and I, and so does the old man if he’d admit it. Try it a little longer, kid. We don’t want you going like this.”

  While Freddie hesitates, MacFay’s voice comes through the open doorway. “Freddie!”

  Freddie looks at Horn, nods, and starts back to the office. Horn puts his arm around Freddie’s shoulder. They go into the office.

  MacFay says: “Where’s that bill from Nichols and Brackett?”

  Lois says gaily: “I know what’s coming and you needn’t bother. A sports dress for $62.50. I haven’t worn it yet, so I can send it back tomorrow and there’ll be no hard feelings.”

  MacFay says: “That’s not it. I don’t begrudge you the dress, but it’s for your own good—you’re too extravagant.”

  Lois: “I guess you’re right. I guess that’s why I didn’t wear it before you saw the bill—so I wouldn’t have to keep it if you didn’t want me to.”

  MacFay whines: “Oh, you can keep it, but I wish you’d be a little more careful.”

  Nick and Nora come in.

  Nick, briskly: “Shall we have that little business chat now, Colonel?”

  MacFay: “Whenever you’re ready. There’s no particular hurry.”

  Nick: “But you wired us to come straight down as soon as we got to New York. We thought—”

  MacFay: “You’ll forgive an old man’s inconsiderateness, children. There’s really nothing but routine matters.”

  Horn winks at Nick. (Lois and Freddie have left the room.)

  Nick: “I get it. You wanted me down here on account of Church—and used the business angle as bait.”

  MacFay: “Now that it’s over, perhaps I should confess that there may be a little truth in what you say.” He pinches Nora’s cheek. “You’ll forgive the old scoundrel, won’t you?”

  Nick: “I wouldn’t be too sure it’s over.”

  MacFay: “What do you mean?”

  Nick: “My guess is that whatever Church meant to do in the first place, he still means to do.”

  MacFay starts up from his chair, then sinks down with a little laugh and relaxes again. “You’re trying to frighten me as punishment for bringing you down here on the run. You can’t do it, son. As soon as Church found out you were here, he lit out, and that’s all there is to it.”

  Nick: “I hope you’re right, but his talk to me didn’t sound like that.”

  MacFay shakes his head from side to side. “The years it takes young men to learn not to pay any attention to what other young men say!”

  Nick: “He wants to include Nora and me in this shakedown on the grounds that her father was your partner. Was he tied up in this mess?”

  MacFay: “What difference can all that make now?”

  Nora, reproachfully: “Colonel MacFay!”<
br />
  Nick: “If Church went to jail to shield Nora’s father, we want to settle with him.”

  Nora nods vigorously.

  MacFay, angrily: “You want to settle with him! Sure! Neither of you know what it means to have to scrape together your dollars. You don’t have to work for money! People die and leave it to you! What’s a few thousand here, a few thousand there? It grows on trees!”

  Nick: “That’s not answering my question. Was Nora’s father in with you on this deal?”

  MacFay to Horn: “Run along, Dudley.”

  Horn goes out, shutting the door behind him, and stands there listening.

  MacFay, patiently to Nick: “You knew Nora’s father, son. Did you think he was a crook?”

  Nick: “No.”

  MacFay: “Do you think I’m a crook?”

  Nick, hesitantly: “No-o.”

  MacFay: “Can you pretend you think I’m a crook?”

  Nick: “Yes, I can do that all right.”

  MacFay: “I thought you could. Well, Nora’s father knew mines and he knew timber as well as anybody in the world, but he didn’t know the first thing about finance. I did. I built his fortune for him. If it hadn’t been for me, he’d never have had a hundred thousand dollars in his life.”

  Nick, pityingly: “As poor as that!” To Nora: “You’d never have got a first-rate husband that way.”

  MacFay: “So if I’m a crook, and my partner’s an honest man who doesn’t know anything about finance, why should I give him a share in the profits from any crooked deal I put over? I have to do all the work myself, don’t I? Even if I use his money now and then, why should I let him know it? Isn’t it enough to give him his share of the profits from straight deals, where he knows what’s going on and where I need his honest knowledge of mining and timber?”

  Nick, blinking at MacFay: “There’s probably a catch in that somewhere, but you certainly make it sound reasonable.”

  Nora goes over and kisses MacFay on the cheek. She says: “I don’t understand it, but I know you’ve said something nice.”

  MacFay pats Nora’s hand, says: “So you needn’t worry about your father ever having been mixed up in anything like that.”