by Marta Perry
She had to concentrate on that, because if she let herself think about Brendan, she just might fall apart entirely.
She opened the door and stepped inside. Her breath caught. Everything looked the way it should.
Stacy and Amy were adjusting the final ribbons on the pews. Several of the boys wielded brooms and dust-pans with more energy than skill.
“Wow.” She glanced from one concerned young face to another. “You’ve put it all back. How on earth did you manage?”
“Rick called me, so Amy and I came right over.” Stacy sent a scathing glance toward the boys. “I knew we couldn’t count on them to fix things the way they should be.”
“Well, you did a wonderful job. All of you.” To her embarrassment, tears stung her eyes. She absolutely couldn’t let herself start crying again. “I’m so grateful.”
“It does look pretty good.” Stacy’s proprietary tone made Claire smile. “Okay, guys, you can put those things back where you got them. Make sure everything’s put away.”
The boys, apparently thoroughly cowed, hurried out.
Claire, watching them, noticed that someone was missing. “What happened to Rick? Did he run out on you?”
Stacy gathered up the last fragments of ribbon. “No, he had something to do. He went to see that Mr. Gray. He’s going to make things right for the Rev.”
Rick Romero, bearding Harvey Gray in his den. Rick would probably never get in to see him, but she could only shudder to think of Gray’s reaction if he did. Not that there was anything at all that she could do about it.
“We’re gonna get out of here.” Stacy paused by the door. “Are you okay?”
She nodded, sinking down on the closest pew. “I’m fine. You go ahead. I’ll turn off the lights and take a last look around before I go. And Stacy? Thanks.”
Stacy gave her a confident grin and followed Amy out of the sanctuary.
When had Stacy gained so much confidence in her own abilities?
She and Stacy seemed to have switched places. She’d lost confidence that she could do anything about anything.
It was true. She leaned back against the pew, too tired to move. She couldn’t do anything about the situation between Rick and Gray. And she couldn’t do anything about the pain Brendan was suffering.
She tilted her head back, looking up at the stained-glass window above her, lit from outside by the slanting rays of the setting sun. Jesus walking on the water, reaching out toward Peter, sinking in the waves.
It was funny that the stories from her childhood came so readily to mind, as if they’d been waiting all these years for her to need them again. She remembered how that story went.
Peter had climbed out of the boat, trying to walk toward Jesus on the water. But when he’d stopped trusting, he’d begun to sink.
She was sinking, too—sinking under the weight of all the things she wanted to control and couldn’t. She blinked as tears filled her eyes. How had she gotten to this place? She’d built her life around controlling every aspect of her world.
She didn’t really need to ask the question. She knew how she’d come here. Brendan.
Her heart twisted. Brendan.
He’s Your servant, isn’t he? Why aren’t You helping him when he needs You most?
The tears slid down her face, appalling her. She never cried. She never lost control of her life.
She tried to wipe the tears away, but they wouldn’t stop flowing. Her throat caught in a painful sob. The tears poured down, as if washing away a lifetime of regret, pain and mistakes.
She looked up at the stained-glass face, which shimmered through her tears.
I believed in You once, a long time ago. Why did I stop? Do You care?
The silence in the sanctuary seemed to shiver, as if the very walls would speak to her. And then she felt the wordless Voice in her heart. She knew she’d heard the same Voice in her heart, a long time ago.
Come unto Me, all ye who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
It had been her mother’s favorite verse, repeated over and over during the last months of her life.
She didn’t have to worry about being strong any longer. The tears spilled down, and she didn’t bother to wipe them away. She could be weak. She could depend upon His strength, not her own.
Chapter Fifteen
Brendan stood at the top of the chancel steps, watching as Claire came down the center aisle. The dress Nolie had chosen for her maid of honor was jade green, and against it Claire’s skin looked like cream. If a faint unhappiness shadowed her eyes, probably no one noticed but him.
She was beautiful, inside and out, he saw that now. But she wasn’t for him.
Any remaining doubts in his mind had been erased by what happened the previous day with the teens. The darkness he feared did lurk inside him, and if he weren’t constantly on guard, it would engulf him.
That was bad enough for him as a man and as a minister. It would be far worse if he married. He’d already known he couldn’t take that risk. He hadn’t even realized that deep inside he’d been thinking of Claire in that way. Dreaming that somehow they might have a life together.
Now he knew that was impossible.
Nothing is impossible with God.
The echo in his mind seemed to mock him. Of course, nothing was impossible for God, but he’d begged again and again for God to take the anger away, and the answer had been no.
Claire’s slow progress down the aisle came to a halt as she turned to face Gabe and Seth, Gabe’s best man. Now she was in profile to him. He couldn’t continue staring at her. People would notice.
He forced his gaze across the congregation. It looked as if nearly everyone who’d been invited had come. Nolie didn’t have any family, but the Flanagan clan more than made up for that lack with friends, relatives and firefighters who cheerfully overflowed to the bride’s side of the church.
Ryan, his ushering duties completed, slipped into the front pew with his mother, sisters and assorted children. Nolie had said that if they were going to have this wedding, it would be the wedding they wanted, not the one the etiquette books said they should have. So there were only two attendants instead of four or five, and the ushering crew came from Gabe’s old squad at the firehouse and wore uniforms instead of tuxes. The bride was being escorted down the aisle by her new father-in-law, which suited her just fine.
The organ music swelled and changed. Every person in the church turned to look back the center aisle.
Joe Flanagan stepped carefully into the aisle, and a murmur of appreciation swept across the sanctuary at the sight of the woman on his arm. Nolie was radiant, her pale gold hair swept up and then cascading down over the ivory lace of her gown. But it wasn’t her appearance that caused that wave of happiness at the sight of her.
It was the triumphant love that shimmered like a golden bond from Nolie to Gabe and back again, seeming to encompass every person within reach. No one who saw them could doubt that they were destined by God to be together. No one could watch Nolie move down the aisle toward her waiting groom and fail to be touched by the sight.
Mary Kate was clasping Kenny’s hand, and Terry wiped her eyes with a lacy handkerchief, which she then passed to Stacy, equally tearful, beside her. In spite of his own unhappiness, Brendan was swept with joy.
Nolie and Gabe’s wedding wasn’t just for the two of them. It was a reaffirmation of God’s love, acted out through them for every person here.
Nolie came to a halt in front of him. Joe, looking as proud as if she were really one of his children, put her hand in Gabe’s and then bent to kiss her cheek. As he moved back to join Siobhan in the pew, Claire arranged Nolie’s train, her movements swift and graceful. He could see the tears that shimmered in her eyes.
He hoped they were tears of pride and happiness. She deserved to feel proud of all she’d accomplished in putting this wedding together. No one could have worked harder or cared more.
And she’d done it while
dealing with a host of emotionally wrenching events in her own life. Because of him. If it had not been for his blundering intrusion into her life, she’d have been spared a lot of pain.
So would he.
He opened the worship book and smiled at Gabe and Nolie across it. This was not going to be easy.
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God and these witnesses…”
The words carried him along. This was right, and he could take joy in that in spite of his own pain.
His glance intersected with Claire’s. He read the truth there. Claire was thinking the same thing he was. That this could have been them. Could still be, if he could conquer his weakness.
Please, Lord.
His voice was steady as he went on with the service. Only God could hear the anguished cry of his soul.
Help me. Please. Help me.
Claire didn’t know how she’d gotten through the ceremony. To stand so close to Brendan, to see Nolie and Gabe’s happiness, to know she and Brendan would never have that—
Well, she’d managed. She moved through the crowd of people in Fellowship Hall. The happy buzz of conversation and snippets she heard here and there told her everyone was surprised and pleased at the transformation she and Stacy had managed to achieve in the utilitarian room.
Her gaze automatically assessed the caterer’s people and the teens who’d volunteered to work at the reception. They were circulating with trays of hot and cold appetizers, just as they should be.
She’d survived the service, and no one would know that the smile she wore felt stiff and artificial on her lips. She’d thought her feelings would ease once the reception started. After all, Brendan was clear across the room, with close to a hundred people between them.
That didn’t seem to matter. Apparently she didn’t have to be near Brendan to feel his presence. She was aware of his every expression and movement no matter where he was, as if they were connected at an unseen level.
This is so painful. Why did You bring me close to You, only to lose Brendan?
There didn’t seem to be an answer to that, but she still felt the loving warmth of God’s presence. He wouldn’t let her down the way her earthly father had.
“Everything looks wonderful.” Siobhan paused to give her a quick hug. Siobhan’s silver lace dress brought out her slender elegance, but it was the happiness on her face that people would remember.
“Thanks to lots of help from you.” She’d never been much for hugging, but it felt good to have Siobhan’s arm around her. “Do you think the appetizers are making it all the way through the crowd?”
“I think you should relax and enjoy this,” Siobhan said. “You’ve earned it, and everyone is having a wonderful time.” She laughed. “People can’t believe this old hall can look so good.”
“Amazing what you can do with some fabric netting and a few dozen strings of lights, isn’t it?” She looked around. “You know, I think I’m taking more pride in this than in any professional accomplishment.”
“Of course.” Siobhan’s voice was warm. “You did this for love. That makes all the difference.”
Love. The word set up a bittersweet echo in her heart.
She loved Brendan. She thought he loved her, but she knew he’d never admit to his feelings as long as he held on to the fear that he’d inherited his father’s rage.
Her throat closed. She squeezed Siobhan’s hand. “I’m going to check on things in the kitchen. I’ll catch up with you later.”
She moved through the crowd, her radar informing her that Brendan was talking with some of his cousins. His face had relaxed, and a peal of laughter rang out from the group.
For an instant she felt a pang of envy. The Flanagan family never needed to question the bond they had with each other.
The kitchen door swung sharply open as she approached. Amy, a tray of shrimp puffs balanced on one hand, hurried through. In a simple black skirt and white shirt and her hair pulled back, the girl looked totally different.
“Amy, you look so pretty. Is everything going all right?”
The girl’s smile would have lit the room. “Great. The caterer told me I was the best helper he’d had in a long time, and if I ever wanted a job, I should come to him.”
“That is great.” It had taken so little to give the girl a sense of accomplishment. “Have you seen Stacy? I haven’t talked to her since before the ceremony.”
“Not in a while.” Amy proffered the tray. “Want to try one? I should get these out while they’re still hot.”
Claire slid one of the steaming puffs onto a napkin and then watched as Amy worked her way through the crowd, as smiling and gracious as if she were the hostess. If the other kids were working out as well as Amy, that would be amazing.
Her gaze swept the room, identifying her workers. Everyone seemed to be concentrating on the task at hand. Odd, that she still didn’t see Stacy anywhere. She’d have expected her to be reveling in this experience. The girl had been so excited about the wedding.
A tiny figure hurtled out of the crowd, and Claire stooped to catch Seth’s little boy before he could crash into the kitchen door.
“Thanks, Claire.” Terry, following the child, sounded breathless. “I’m supposed to be watching Davy while Seth attends to his best man duties. Are all two-year-olds this fast?” She scooped up the toddler, kissing him until he squealed.
Terry moved off with the child, who giggled and twisted in her arms. Little Davy didn’t have a mother, but the rest of the Flanagans managed to shower him with love to spare.
“Claire.”
Her worry jagged upward as she turned to find Harvey Gray standing next to her.
“Mr. Gray. Are you enjoying the celebration?”
He nodded, seemed to realize he had a cracker piled with pâté in his hand, and popped it into his mouth. “Very nice.” He swallowed. “Are you responsible for these teenagers who are working for the caterer?”
She could feel her anxiety start to increase and then suddenly deflated as if punctured. She didn’t have to react that way to Gray’s every whim any longer. Her future was in God’s hands, not her employer’s.
“Yes, I’ve been helping the pastor with them.” She wasn’t going to hide her involvement. “I thought this might be good work experience.”
Gray frowned, but before he could respond, Brendan strode up to join them. Her heart gave that familiar little jolt at his presence.
“How is everything going?” The wariness in Brendan’s eyes told a story. He’d joined them because he feared Gray was blaming her for the kids’ involvement. He wanted to protect her.
She smiled, feeling ridiculously warmed at the evidence of his caring. “So far, so good. I won’t really relax until the last slice of cake has been served, though.”
Gray sent a lowering glance from her to Brendan. “I suppose you know that one of your teens came to see me yesterday.”
Brendan’s tension was evident in the tightening of his jaw and the fine lines that formed around his mouth. “One of my kids? No, I didn’t know that. Which one?”
“Rick Romero.”
She could almost feel Brendan wince. “Why did he come to see you?”
To make things right for the Rev. How much worse had Rick made things by his well-meant act?
“He wanted to talk to me about you.” Gray frowned.
Brendan’s eyes found hers. “Did you know about this?”
“The other kids told me he’d gone.”
“Why didn’t you tell—” He stopped. If he thought about it, he’d know why she hadn’t come back to tell him.
Gray cleared his throat. “I’m not sure why I agreed to see him, but I was impressed.”
“Impressed?” Brendan sounded as shocked as she felt.
“Kid was smarter than I’d expected.” Gray had the tone of someone determined to be fair. “He made some sense, actually. Explained what you were trying to do with those kids.”
“Rick
made sense.” Brendan sounded as if he had trouble accepting that.
Gray nodded. “Thing is, Pastor, you’re going about it all wrong.”
“I am?”
“If you want to make those street kids employable, you’ve got to involve some of the business people. We’re the ones who know what it takes. You shouldn’t be trying to do it by yourself.”
Gray could not have had a bigger effect if he’d used a two-by-four. “You mean you’d be willing to help?”
He put his hand on Brendan’s shoulder. “I have some ideas for how we can go about it. We need to get a few other businessmen on board. And women, too, to give the girls some good role models. Claire can help us there.”
“Of course I will.”
Claire took a step back, letting the conversation flow between them. It was going to be all right. In another half hour, Harvey Gray would be convinced that the whole project had been his idea to begin with.
Brendan caught her eye over Gray’s shoulder, and she found she could smile at him without pain. This was going to be all right. Brendan’s job and his ministry were safe.
As for her—she looked at the sudden change in her feelings in astonishment. She was going to be all right, too. Even if she couldn’t have the love she wanted, she had friends, people who were as close as family. She had satisfying work to do and people she could help.
God had a good life ahead for her, even if that life didn’t include Brendan.
Tears stung her eyes, but her heart felt whole. “Thank You,” she whispered. Thank You.
Brendan wove his way through the chattering crowd, intent on finding Claire again. She’d slipped away from his conversation with her boss, and he had to tell her what had happened.
His steps slowed. That strong need to share things— good and bad—with Claire hit him out of the blue. He shouldn’t burden Claire with those confidences when he couldn’t offer her anything more, but she had to know about this.
He spotted her then. She stood near the kitchen door, seeming to scan the room. He worked his way toward her.
