They spent several hours enjoying the sun, Millie stared at the ducks and swans in amazement, Josh the only one brave enough to hold out bread towards the large beaks encouraged by squeals of delight from Millie and then they found some shade under a tree and ate their way through the selection of goodies Josh had brought with him, including jelly and bananas for Millie and cold meat, quiche and salad for himself and Kate. They talked of everything, except Alex. Josh told Kate about his dream to build his own home in the country. He had already bought a plot of land in a small Cotswold village although his day job as an architect meant he had no time to do anything other than sketch out his forever house. But one day, he told her with determination in his eyes, he would find the time and space to take it all to the next level. Kate told Josh of her singular lack of ambition when it came to work, how she had been happy to take any job that appealed and work until it had lost its appeal, only settling down to an office job when she and Alex were saving for their own forever house.
He told her how distraught he had been when Tanya decided that life with Josh was not giving her the satisfaction she needed. Kate said nothing about Alex wanting to come back, but needing more from Kate than polished pans. Josh spoke of how hard it had been to let go of Tanya and accept that maybe they hadn’t been right for each other. Kate failed to mention that her mother had accused Kate of losing herself in her desire to be what Alex wanted rather than who she was.
And throughout the whole afternoon Kate found her eyes constantly returning to the dimpled chin and those lips that had met her own on Friday evening. She had watched him talk and gazed at his mouth, knowing exactly how it would feel if he bent forwards and kissed her. She had told herself sternly that there would be no kissing today. She was with Josh because it was a lovely day and Millie would enjoy the ducks but she was on the verge of a reconciliation and there would be no kissing of any kind. But as the afternoon had worn on she couldn’t help feeling slightly aggrieved that she hadn’t had to explain this to Josh. That she hadn’t found the need to push him gently away and say that they couldn’t kiss anymore, that they were friends only and kissing was not on the friendship charter. He behaved perfectly, he entertained Millie and chatted to Kate and although the electricity between them could have contributed to the national grid he kept to his side of the picnic blanket and there was no kiss in sight, even though Kate now found herself thinking almost obsessively about how good it would be to feel those lips on hers again.
Eventually they walked back to the car and Josh drove them home. Kate took Millie into the house and Josh brought her bag to the doorway and just as she was about to reluctantly admit that it was for the best all round that Josh had not kissed Kate and that Kate had not needed to push Josh away, he leant forward and caught in the doorway she felt his lips land on hers. And although Kate raised a hand, the one meant to push him gently back and explain that she must prepare for Alex to come home, she actually wound the hand round his neck and found herself kissing him back and all Kate could think was how very pleasant the afternoon had been and how she hadn’t really missed the restaurant, roast chicken or Alex very much at all.
Chapter 27
Kate decided they had been right to make the most of the unexpected sun when the next day brought grey skies and drizzling rain. Millie was unaccountably grouchy, the washing machine wouldn’t turn on and everything seemed so much effort. Wiping porridge from her shoulder, Kate scooped Millie in her arms and took her upstairs for a bath. She took a deep breath and coaxed the bad mood away until Millie was fresh and clean and smiling once more, her eyes drooping with weariness. As she laid her daughter down for her morning nap, Kate heard her phone ringing downstairs. But she decided to take a long hot bath herself and see if her own mood improved and as she lay in the scented bubbles she heard her phone ring again.
Dressed and a little more relaxed, Kate headed downstairs just as her phone started to ring once more. She looked at the screen. It was Alex and for some unaccountable reason Kate decided she was just too tired to take the call. Not physically tired. The fresh air of the previous day, the pleasant company, a day free of stress and tears had led to a good night’s sleep. Kate just felt weary. She looked at Alex’s name flashing on the screen and decided that she really didn’t need another round of explanations, excuses and hints of a return home. She was tired of being so forgiving and patient and she was very tired of having to bite her tongue as Alex accused her of pushing him to the side line while she looked after their daughter.
Instead she ignored the strident ringing, made herself a cup of tea and sat at the kitchen table until he finally stopped calling. She glanced at her phone, five missed calls. She remembered those first few days after Alex had left and she had been so lost, so totally alone as she tried to make sense of what had happened to her perfect husband and her perfect marriage. She had longed for the sound of her phone to ring, she had prayed that Alex would call and tell her what was happening and she went to bed desperate to hear the sound of his voice.
She pushed the phone away, well it wouldn’t hurt Alex to feel a little of that abandonment himself.
By lunchtime he had called twelve times. In the afternoon the messages started.
Kate, been trying to ring you. Would like to meet and talk
Kate, can’t get hold of you, would love to get together, think we need to make some plans.
Darling, you’re not answering your phone, everything okay? I really want to meet.
Kate, please answer your phone. Are you out? Please let me know you’re alright.
Kate I want to come and see you tonight, there’s something very important I need to ask you
When Fiona called round on her way to collect the children from school, Kate wordlessly handed over her phone and watched as Fiona read the messages with widening eyes.
‘Well! He sounds desperate.’
Kate shrugged. Fiona was right. Kate knew desperate, she had spent several weeks there and she could see it written in every word of Alex’s messages.
‘Why haven’t you been answering his calls?’
With a sigh Kate sat down, fiddling with the phone. ‘Oh I don’t know. I just didn’t have the energy. You know, I’ve thought of little else over the last few weeks but getting Alex back. It’s been quite exhausting. And today I just …’ she shrugged her shoulders again. ‘I don’t know, I just couldn’t really be bothered.’
Fiona sat down opposite her friend. ‘You know Kate,’ she said carefully. ‘I can’t help feeling that some of your determination to get Alex back seems to have disappeared. It started to disappear the minute he hinted he wanted to come back.’
Kate didn’t answer and Fiona continued. ‘I know you still make all the right noises, you want Alex back, you love him, you want Millie to have her father in her life,’ Fiona paused, ‘It’s just that you don’t seem to – believe it all in quite the same way. I can’t help getting the feeling that now you think the moment has arrived, the one where he says he wants to come home, you’re avoiding it.’
Kate thought for a moment. Was that the problem, that she didn’t believe any more? They had been happy and she’d thought that if Alex came home they could be happy once more. The problem was that Alex hadn’t come home and Kate had been left with a great deal of time to think about their lives together. And the more she had thought, the less perfect the memories had become.
Another problem, one she wasn’t sure she was ready to share with Fiona, was the thought of her life suddenly switching back to how it had been. Kate loved her Friday evenings of salsa. It may only be a few hours but for that short space of time she was the Kate she remembered doing something she enjoyed with people she now thought of as friends. And then there was Josh. Because whilst Kate was trying desperately hard to pop Josh in the compartment labelled friends, he had an annoying habit of escaping and finding his way into her thoughts in a way that no-one but Alex ever had.
She lifted trouble eyes to Fiona. ‘I stil
l love Alex,’ she stated.
Fiona nodded her head.
‘I believe he still loves me.’
Fiona nodded again.
‘He says he made a mistake and - well mistakes happen, don’t they?’
‘Yes.’
‘I want Millie to grow up with her father in her life.’
‘Because you didn’t have yours?’
Kate’s head shot up. She had never really thought about it before but Fiona was right. Kate had felt the loss of her father’s absence in the house from the moment he had left. And although she had known, quite instinctively even as a young child that it was for the best, it had never stopped hurting.
‘I suppose so. But all children are better off with both parents aren’t they?’
It was Fiona’s turn to shrug. ‘Well in a perfect world yes, but we all know the world isn’t perfect. The big question Kate, is do you still want Alex back in your life?’
‘Oh yes.’ Kate tried to sound confident and assured but she wasn’t convinced she had managed. ‘Of course I do.’
Fiona’s forehead was crinkled with concern. ‘Really Kate? Really and truly? Because it looks as though you’re about to get your wish and if you’ve changed your mind in any way, if you’ve decided that maybe you and Alex are not meant for each other, I think now is the time you need to say something.’
Eventually Kate gave in and answered the phone to Alex’s relieved gasp as he heard her voice. He obviously hadn’t researched Google quite as much as she had. It was absolutely not the done thing to let your other half know just how desperate you were. And the amount of times he had called, well the forums would be humming with disapproval!
‘Kate, thank goodness. I was so worried, I haven’t been able to speak to you all day.’
Kate decided not to point out his lack of concern during the previous few weeks when there had been no communication between them at all as he lost himself in the delights of Sandra Maddison.
‘I couldn’t find my phone,’ she lied. ‘Just come across it now, behind the cushions.’
She could hear Alex’s thoughts turning round inside his head. He knew that Kate plumped the cushions up every morning without fail and the chances of a phone lying unnoticed in their immaculate depths was highly unlikely.
‘Oh I see,’ he lied back, ‘that explains it!’
‘I was wondering if I could come round tonight?’
Kate clutched the phone harder. She knew what would happen.
‘Oh Alex, I really can’t do tonight.’
She closed her eyes, was she completely mad. Google had said don’t draw it out, when they stop wriggling it’s time to pull in the line.
‘I’m really sorry but I just can’t.’
‘Right,’ Alex gave a little half laugh. ‘You do seem busy these days!’
Well, thought Kate, Google had assured her that if she went out and enjoyed herself and met new people it would make Alex want to come home so of course she was busy. Shame he hadn’t wanted to be part of her life before she started going to salsa and taking long walks in the park with handsome young men. At the thought of Josh her stomach contracted. Stop this contrariness, she told herself firmly. You know what to do, let him come round, let him ask, let him come home.
‘Yes, well you know how it is,’ she trilled instead. ‘Just seem to have a lot on at the moment.’
‘Yes, I understand but Kate this is quite important. I want to ask you something, something that’s very – well important.’
‘Yes, I’m sorry I just can’t, not tonight.’
Kate wondered what response she would get if she posted a message on the ‘why husbands leave and how to get them back’ website. A message that said ‘yes I followed all the advice and had my husband fairly begging to come home but I said I was busy because you know what, I was suddenly rather tired of the whole messy business.’ The lines would fizzle with criticism.
‘Okay, how about tomorrow night?’
Tomorrow seemed so soon thought Kate. So very soon.
‘How about Wednesday? she suggested.
‘Wednesday! Well if that’s the earliest you can see me I suppose it will have to do.’
He was miffed, Kate could hear it in his voice. He was very put out.
She ignored his unhappiness. ‘Right Wednesday it is then!’ she said in a deliberately upbeat tone clinging onto the phone as though it were a lifebelt.
‘And you can’t possibly see me sooner? I could come round and …’
‘Sorry! Impossible, really impossible!’
‘Okay then, Wednesday. I can’t wait to see you Kate.’
‘Right, me too. Really can’t wait. Bye!’
Dropping the phone onto the table, Kate clutched at her hair. Alex wanted to come home. Why, oh why didn’t Kate feel happier?
Chapter 28
Kate was waiting in the kitchen when Alex arrived. She had already opened a bottle of wine and was sipping slowly when she heard the doorbell peal. Rubbing her hands on her jeans she went to open the door.
‘Hello Kate.’
Alex was smiling. He looked pale and Kate thought he looked as though he had lost a little weight since the last time she had seen him. But he was smiling, he looked happier than she had seen him look since the morning he had walked out.
‘Hello Alex.’
They walked into the kitchen and Kate sat back at the table, picking up her glass and taking a large drink of wine. She noticed he was holding a large bouquet of flowers. Beautiful flowers, not a petrol station last minute bunch.
‘For you,’ he said noticing the direction of her eyes. ‘I know you like fresh flowers in the house.’
Actually, thought Kate, she wasn’t at all bothered by fresh flowers. It was something that her mother always had, a sweet smelling spray on her sideboard and it was something that Alex had always admired, sniffing the blooms and saying how lovely to see a new display week after week. When Kate had transformed herself into the perfect wife she had of course included fresh flowers on her inventory. Personally, she found the fallen petals a nuisance, she hated cleaning out the vase and she had a habit of forgetting to top up the water and getting far less time from her flowers than Marcia ever had.
‘They’re lovely,’ she said obediently. ‘Thankyou.’
But she stayed at the table and after a moment Alex walked to the sink and sat them in a little cold water.
‘You look – amazing,’ he said, his surprise evident.
Kate frowned. Google had not been consulted for this visit. Kate had been both weary and wary as she waited for Alex’s arrival and although part of her was cheering at the knowledge that she had succeeded, or maybe Google had succeeded, there was another rather more truculent part of her that was tired of all the rules and manipulation. She wanted Alex back but suddenly it seemed quite important that he came back for the right reasons, and those reasons were not that Kate was wearing a short skirt and had spent an hour on her make-up. Tonight Kate was just - Kate. She was wearing a pair of jeans tucked into her brown suede boots. Her top was casual and loose floating past her waist and her hair was caught up in her favourite tortoiseshell clasp with tendrils escaping to touch her cheek and neck.
She raised her eyebrows at Alex.
‘It takes me back to when we first met,’ he explained obligingly. ‘You were so pretty, so happy. You never gave a jot for what anyone else thought of you, it was as though you lived in a slightly different world to the rest of us.’
Kate stared at him in amazement.
‘Kate, you were my idea of heaven. I loved you from the minute I first saw you. And tonight – you look just like the Kate I fell in love with.’
How ironic, thought Kate. How very ironic that every article she had read, every advice column she had searched and every forum she had devoured had said that the key to a returning husband was to remind him of who he had fallen in love with. And Kate seemed to have done that not by dressing like a femme fatale or making new fri
ends or letting Alex see that she could make a new life for herself, but by simply not making any effort at all but just be herself.
Alex had started talking again and she tried to pay attention.
‘I love you Kate, I always have and I always will. I lost my way for a while, I felt – as though you didn’t need me anymore. I think part of the reason for my – for Sandra was to get your attention. To make you look in my direction again.’
Kate shook her head sadly. ‘There are far better ways you could have chosen Alex.’
‘I know, I know and I can never tell you just how sorry I am. But I realise what a complete idiot I was Kate and I can never apologise enough. The fact that you’re prepared to forgive me and let me come home, well it just makes me realise even more how very lucky I am to have you. And how stupid I was to come close to losing you.’
Kate was listening. She could hear the words and she was listening but her mind was racing. She remembered the Kate he had fallen in love with. She remembered being that carefree person who was determined to enjoy life to the full and never become obsessed with fresh flowers every week and tea poured from a pot. She had rebelled against the calm and contained life of her mother and she flitted through her own life like a leaf on the wind. Until she had met Alex.
Kate had loved him with all her heart and soul and she had been so very afraid that he would leave her one day, just like her father left her mother, so she resolved to be perfection itself. She would be everything that Alex wanted. Because then he would love her forever and never, ever leave.
Her mother had been right, Kate had changed. She hadn’t just become a tidier person or learnt how to cook. She had become the person she thought Alex wanted. The carefree spirit had been carefully subdued into her vision of the perfect wife.
She stared at Alex sitting opposite her. He was still taking but she was having trouble concentrating.
‘Kate?’
Google Your Husband Back Page 22
